My sister asked me this

[lovedogsandcats]

My sister 1 has been on her own for years . Seemingly happily so but did have 2 difficult long term relationships. She has 2 grown up daughters both in loving stable and happy relationships.
Just been away on holiday with sister 1 and sister 2 ( sister 2 is married ) along with my husband and sister 2s husband .
I lost one my daughters to suicide 5 years ago . She was 19 .
Over wine ( plenty of it ) sister 1 was talking about how lucky we were to have loving partners and so are her daughters. I agreed but pointed out that she still has both her beautiful girls and how lucky she was too . She then said ' but you'd rather have what you have with your DH than have your daughter. Wouldn't you?'
AIBU to be dwelling on the fact that she asked me this ?It was in front of all of us (inc DH) . I replied that I would have my daughter back in a heartbeat.
DH went to bed shortly after this and next morning suggested I should not have made my comment in the first place .
Im not sure whether to talk to her about it .
There is a hit of a backstory about our relationship- I've always felt a bit bullied by her .
What are your thoughts?

Its an endless pain that you never recover from . My whole family is still reeling. I'm so sorry when ever I hear that someone has suffered the same

I agree.

Your sister was talking about partner/marital
Relationships and it may have seemed like a dig at her when you mentioned the loss of your daughter which is an unrelated subject.

That may have prompted her to make such a horrible comment.

I feel sorry for your husband who dealing with his own loss has to go bear a nasty conversation between his wife and her sister.

It's 50/50 in my opinion and probably alcohol fuelled.

I don’t think that what you said was out of order at all. A reminder that happy relationships don’t always mean that everything is rosy. She should know that!
I don’t know how you haven’t lost it with her!

Of course losing your child is very hard and what your sister said was quite shocking.

However, I agree with PPs that your comment does sound really quite dismissive of what she was saying.

Best put it down to alcohol and move on.

I just wanted to send love from a fellow grieving Mother.

To lose a child to suicide is utterly devastating.

You never 'get over it' and you're never the same.

Nobody understands the impact it has, even close family.

It is a very lonely place.

I'm so sorry for your loss . Thank you for your response. Life will never be the same again but we will find a way through xx

I don't see that OP did anything wrong. Her sister was feeling sorry for herself OP was only telling her sister to count her blessings.
I'm very sorry for your loss OP I can't imagine the pain of losing a child in those circumstances.
No one should have reacted the way your sister did being drunk is no excuse.

I’m sorry but your dh was u here, of course you’d have your daughter back. I’m so sorry that conversation even took place though, your sister was being ridiculous

I am sorry for your loss 💐

Your sister was out of order to say what she did and I'm sorry, but I think it is in poor taste that your DH said you caused it. He should be equally as horrified at her awful comment, not making an excuse for her. While I can see how your comment night have caused a misunderstanding under the influence of a lot of wine, your sister should be apologising. From where I'm sitting, you were trying to make her feel better so her comment was unnecessary and cruel.

Your husband is correct she is lonely and everyone has a loving caring partner, her daughters are settled with their partners. I think bringing up your dd devalued her feelings as much as yours were with her comment.

When someone is upset about their circumstances a dose of empathy will always be more effective than reminding them to count their blessings.

No quicker way to invalidate someone's feelings.

I can take that on board

So sorry OP ~ there’s no easy conversation around losing a child. Suicide also makes people really uncomfortable for all sorts of reasons. They say tactless things around it. I speak from personal experience.

I’d take it as a compliment that your DSis envies your relationship. And move on.

I think your sister was cruel. She's single, but didn't have anyone die and neither has she lost a child. Comparing a partner to losing a child is just not comparable. Given that she has a history of bullying you, she felt that she actually could say something like this to you. I can't think under any circumstances that justifies ever bringing up your daughter. I'm so sorry for your loss op, I have lost so many family members to suicide and it's just a different kind of loss.

I wonder if your sister was playing to the male audience in the room and this made her forget her manners in a very big way.

You weren't buying her victim story and her play to make herself 'Daddy's' favorite girl.

Wine and sibling rivalry made you remind her that maybe you aren't as 'lucky' as she is accusing you of.

I suspect she'd trample a woman any day to get to a man. Therefore her words were more strategic towards making the men feel sorry for her, than they were to belittle your devastating loss.

Sorry to hear about your daughter. Hope you find peace.

Death, religion, politics and relationships do not mix with wine. Also I don’t think any parent who hasn’t lost a child by suicide can remotely imagine the pain- I know I can’t.

But surely not bringing up someone's child who has passed on is not the way to lash out?

I think if I had lost a child under any circumstances anyone single bitching about how sad they were would get my back up tbh so I can understand why you made the comment that she is lucky to have her daughters.
Yes your dh might be hurt by your response but only if its not a parent himself - a parent would get it and shrug it off. My husband would swap me for our kids and I would him. No question.

He has 2 sons and we are a close blended unit . I would never put the question to him but I know what I would expect (and hope) his response to be .

loss is of most significance to the sufferer. I think alcohol makes us more inward looking and in that moment unable to empathise as well as we would otherwise. You were coming at the conversation from totally different angles. Put it down to the drink and don’t go there next time you’ve all been drinking as you end up looking at things from your own perspective/knowledge which can lead to unintend harm.

I think under the circumstances, experiencing a loss like that - your sister was out of line and insensitive. I hear your husband is saying you brought it to that topic - but I honestly think you absolutely deserve a pass for that. Any decent person would think this. There is absolutely no comparison

It's possible that your sister feels that she is entitled to be upset about her situation without it being a competition. It's difficult to know what her thoughts are. You probably know best. Drunken conversations often don't end well when people are upset.

I get where you're coming from op, I am a bereaved parent too 💐

I understand the desire to say "well you've still got your kids so what are you fucking moaning about", I really do, but over the years I've learned that it's a bit shitty.

Other people are allowed to be sad, or have a moan about different areas of their lives too, even if their sadness isn't as great as yours, it's still valid to them.

She was talking about a totally unrelated thing, and you've invalidated her feelings.

This path is a massive learning curve, and we all get it wrong, get pissed off at things, say things that hurt others, and generally struggle while we settle into whatever this shit new normal is for us.
That's no justification for what she said, however, that was abhorrent. If she is otherwise a good, supportive and kind sister, I think I would talk to her about it and forgive her, assuming she's sorry (I know you say you feel a bit bullied by her, but assume the relationship is generally good as you were away together).I would also avoid drinking for a bit as well, and definitely stop drinking around her.

Thank you for good advice. I am sorry 😢 for your loss too .

Your sisters comment was ridiculous! Most people would rather have their child over their partner. It’s a horrible comparison to make though. I don’t think you did anything wrong. She is lucky to have both of her daughters and as lucky as you are to have a partner I know you’d do anything to have your daughter back.