My sister asked me this

[lovedogsandcats]

My sister 1 has been on her own for years . Seemingly happily so but did have 2 difficult long term relationships. She has 2 grown up daughters both in loving stable and happy relationships.
Just been away on holiday with sister 1 and sister 2 ( sister 2 is married ) along with my husband and sister 2s husband .
I lost one my daughters to suicide 5 years ago . She was 19 .
Over wine ( plenty of it ) sister 1 was talking about how lucky we were to have loving partners and so are her daughters. I agreed but pointed out that she still has both her beautiful girls and how lucky she was too . She then said ' but you'd rather have what you have with your DH than have your daughter. Wouldn't you?'
AIBU to be dwelling on the fact that she asked me this ?It was in front of all of us (inc DH) . I replied that I would have my daughter back in a heartbeat.
DH went to bed shortly after this and next morning suggested I should not have made my comment in the first place .
Im not sure whether to talk to her about it .
There is a hit of a backstory about our relationship- I've always felt a bit bullied by her .
What are your thoughts?

who on earth would keep there partner rather than there child?? stupid question in itself and shows the type of woman she is then

bit vague.

I disagree. Your sister is single. She may not want to be, but it is not one of lifes great tragedies, and while an acknowledgement of her feelings may be in order, she shouldn't be validated in thinking it is. OK, so the conversation wouldn't have happened had you not pointed out she was fortunate in her daughters, but its true, she is, and it would do her good to remember it. Frankly, I'm shocked at a woman who thinks it could be a mother's preference to have a partner rather than for their child not to have died. If it were my sister I'd be concerned that her desire for a relationship had become obsessive and caused her to lose all perspective, because what she said is not healthy.

OP I agreed but pointed out that she still has both her beautiful girls and how lucky she was too . She then said ' but you'd rather have what you have with your DH than have your daughter. Wouldn't you?'

MILTOBE Is was sister 1 who brought up her daughter, not the OP:

"sister 1 was talking about how lucky we were to have loving partners and so are her daughters."

Sister 1 mentioned her own daughters and her other sisters, not the OP's late daughter.

It was the OP who commented that Sister 1 at least had both of her daughters still, the implication being that one loss or absence trumped the other.

Sorry for your loss but I don't think there's much worse than a happily married person telling their upset single sibling how happy and fortunate they are. It's probably really hurt and your sister sniped back with something that would hurt you

Your message was great, and it really gave her the opportunity to apologise for what she said.

She has chosen not to.

I would message again pointing out what she said.

If she doesn't accept it and apologise then I probably would be reconsidering being around her any more than the bare minimum.

If she doesn't even acknowledge what she said then it's going to eat away at you, and (only speaking from my experience) it will start affecting your relationship.

You've done the hard part by starting the conversation now, you should carry it on until you get what you need.

"I don't think there's much worse..."

Oh come on, that's pretty bloody insensitive , considering.

You did nothing wrong.

Agree with PP’s, your comment was invalidating and had nothing to do with the convo or circumstances being discussed. However, her reply in return is abhorrent and extremely unwarranted. I’m so sorry for your loss

I feel I read a different post to most people on here…. Yes maybe it wasn’t necessary to bring up your daughter if she was feeling down as her feelings are also valid but her comment is abhorrent. I’m shocked at her comment and the reaction of most people on here. I would struggle to forgive a comment like that without a heartfelt apology. For those saying you were wrong to compare - your sister was the one to start the comparisons. She could have simply said she feels lonely and is down about it. Sorry for your horrific loss.

Tbh my instant answer to your sister would've been a giant "fuck off/you". You weren't deliberately playing top trumps and ffs, that question is disgusting and your DHs reaction...I mean really. Get a grip man. It's not about him.

I'm very sorry for your loss OP.

Horrible thing to say to you OP. I’m so sorry for your loss.

"My sister 1 has been on her own for years. Seemingly happily so"
Quite obviously, she isn't happy on her own, I'm surprised you would assume so.

You were all drinking, people say things under the influence of alcohol that either they don't mean, or that they do mean but wouldn't say sober.
You shouldn't have said what you said. When your sister commented that you were lucky to have living parters you could have just agreed, because it's true, you are lucky to have that. But you turned it into a contest.

She also shouldn't have said what she said, that was unnecessarily hurtful.

And then you shouldn't have given your follow up comment about your DH, which must have hurt him even if he agreed.

All in all, drink less alcohol and don't get drawn into competitive grief.

That's a bit insensitive

You don't think there's much worse.than a remark about being single.

On a thread inolving a child's suicide?

This thread is batshit.

Utterly tone deaf

Whether you should have made your comment about her having her daughters depends how she said her thing about you being lucky.

If she was making a relatively light comment about it, you were unreasonable to make the daughter comment.

If she was saying it in a way that made it clear she genuinely felt that you all had perfect lives and she was the only one of you who knew suffering, you weren't unreasonable to call her out on it by mentioning your daughter.

You did what you could.
You can do no more. The rest is up to her. And if you hear nothing, well theres your answer.
Its all v well saying tell her f off etc but if you have a sister like that, well she wld just throw a grenade in again. My sister is like that. She wld say anything so long as she got one over on me. Anything.
But then, i am NC with her now, not moving abroad or whatever it is.
I wld avoid drink and sensitive subjects if you cant avoid her at all tbh.

Batshit sums it up. For people to count being single as akin to losing a daughter is just crazy!!

Sister is a complex woman so I doubt she will understand how much her comment hurt me . I have apologised for my part but was really hoping she would do the same . She has a very close relationship with her daughters . I have a close relationship with my second born daughter and my (step ) sons. I would never discuss what was said with any of them . I am seeing a close friend tomorrow and will talk to her about it - but I know she will jump to my defence and I can on here for a bit of a balanced view .
I have not discussed with sister 2 ( who is much closer to me ) but she was never able to have children of her own and her and her husband once split up for a while because he had an affair . I just feel the matter will rumble on and I can't see a way out of it now rather than ignoring it ever happened 😕

I'm so sorry for your loss. That is unimaginable. Her comment was insensitive and offensive and you're clearly hurt and annoyed by it.

It is playing on your mind so you should mention it to her to clear the air a bit, otherwise it will stand between you in your relationship.
It will be just another one of those things that you think about the next time there is any kind of issue between you two, and make you less close when it doesn't necessarily have to if you discuss it now.

I think the comment she made was insensitive and unusual and obviously has negative implications to her own daughters as well. (They didn't hear it, of course, but the implications of her comment that perhaps she'd rather have a good relationship than both living children, or that there's even a comparison to made there, are still pretty bad).

That aside, I think she probably felt shut down and that once you brought your pain into it meant that now she didn't get the right to talk about her pain any more. You made the conversation about you and your loss, which pretty much makes it impossible to complain about anything ever, because your pain is obviously always greater than whatever more minor thing she's upset about. It may well have felt like you were shutting her down, even though that wasn't the intent.

This is naturally upsetting and if you want the people around you not to shut down and not talk to you about what's actually going on in their life and how they feel, and stay close or get closer to you, then it's better not to say things they unintentionally shut them down when they're opening up to you.

Unintentionally upsetting someone is forgivable in my opinion and it seems like you've both done it, and under the influence of a lot of wine so it is understandable that both would upset the other without meaning it.

Clearing the air and both apologising will probably go a long way to make this something you can both just try to forget about and not have this be an ongoing hurt you both hold onto in your relationship.

Sorry just read your update that you texted her and aplogised and hoped she'd do the same.

Don't text her, talk to her. Phone her.
Text is where most problems are made worse instead of better.

We rarely talk in the phone... but you a right , it would be better . It is just not the way our relationship works and I feel she would get defensive and I will be the one who feels worse as a result. ( this is the way things have always gone ) . Her life has not been easy ( 1st husband left her when she was pregnant and her second partner was a a bit difficult) . I wish I could just accept her meanness ( hopefully not intended)and move on . That will probably work out for the best . It's such a complicated relationship with so many elements. She clearly can either not remember it or sees nothing wrong in it .

@lovedogsandcats I'm so sorry you lost your daughter.

You DS1 asked a stupid and crass question. Your comment was to make her realise she should be grateful and she should be. She turned it on you in the horrible way because she's not grateful. Poor her.

Pls don't dwell on it, as others have said I'd keep her at a safe distance.

Sending a hug x

She was talking about how lucky you were with partners and maybe indicating she was unlucky. I think it was unwise to mention the loss of your daughter. I get it was to say that she was lucky in that respect but instead it possibly came across as you one upping her which is how your DH seems to have interpreted it as well.

I think don't bring it up again and let it pass. Trying to explain may make things unintentionally worse.