My sister asked me this

[lovedogsandcats]

My sister 1 has been on her own for years . Seemingly happily so but did have 2 difficult long term relationships. She has 2 grown up daughters both in loving stable and happy relationships.
Just been away on holiday with sister 1 and sister 2 ( sister 2 is married ) along with my husband and sister 2s husband .
I lost one my daughters to suicide 5 years ago . She was 19 .
Over wine ( plenty of it ) sister 1 was talking about how lucky we were to have loving partners and so are her daughters. I agreed but pointed out that she still has both her beautiful girls and how lucky she was too . She then said ' but you'd rather have what you have with your DH than have your daughter. Wouldn't you?'
AIBU to be dwelling on the fact that she asked me this ?It was in front of all of us (inc DH) . I replied that I would have my daughter back in a heartbeat.
DH went to bed shortly after this and next morning suggested I should not have made my comment in the first place .
Im not sure whether to talk to her about it .
There is a hit of a backstory about our relationship- I've always felt a bit bullied by her .
What are your thoughts?

I can't imagine anything worse than the loss you live with.

I agree with your DH's take on the conversation though.

Believe me, I've done it, my dc died 26 years ago, and 17 years ago so I'm pretty far into this.

People would be whinging about insignificant things and I would just think "well why the fuck are you moaning because you're skint/your bf dumped you/your phone broke my literal children died ffs, I wish I had your problem".

I must admit, even 5 years in I said some pretty uncalled for things, cut people out to protect myself, and, quite honestly became quite bitter and pretty selfish in order to protect myself, and I still struggle a lot with the aftermath of the choices I made, and I really wouldn't recommend it.

Do you think your sister would be receptive to a conversation?

Your sister's comment was incredibly insensitive and your prior comment completely understandable given your situation. You are in no way to blame for her crassness. There were any number of other responses she could have made such as, "yes you must miss her so much". No need to try and sweep it under the carpet and imply you must be happy now despite your loss..

Thank you for your* comments in the shallows.* So sorry for your pain and loss.
I have tried to live a life where I have kept everyone close - it's not always easy .
My sister and I didn't mention the incident the day after and just carried on as if nothing had been said . I'm not sure if I should broach it or even apologise for diminishing her feelings.
It's like a minefield, isn't it ? Our loss is always at the forefront of our minds and sometimes not for people for people around us .

I'm not sure if I should broach it or even apologise for diminishing her feelings.

If anyone should apologise its her.
She diminished a terrible loss & tragedy which has no comparison.

Wearing my reasonable hat: she owes you the apology. For the sake of harmonious relations, I might respond by saying 'thank you and I'm sorry if it seemed I was dismissing your feelings'.

But don't be a doormat. She's in the wrong here, not you.

What? This is fucking deranged and in no way helpful. What the fuck is wrong with you, and why would you want to hurt the OP even more?

I can't compute that you are being given a hard time @lovedogsandcats for saying your sister has things to be grateful and happy about as she still has all her children and as for your dh comment. Bloody hell. Is he the father of your late daughter?

But why shouldn't she?

Tbh it sounds like you wanted to get a dig in.
And because you two have issues, she doubled down.

You owe her an apology. And she owes you one.

We do have a 'walking on eggshells" relationship.
I possibly feel a bit sad that she said it cross at myself a bit too .
The holiday we were on was to visit the place we are moving to ( outside of the UK) and I expect I will see more of her and for longer spells of time in the future.
Spending time with sisters is so much trickier than being with my friends. That makes me sad 😞

I agree with this and @TarantinoIsAMisogynist
What she said was very odd, and I don't think many people, whether they'd actually experienced a loss like yours, or even hypothetically, would ever agree with her. It's completely understandable you are upset.

But I think it is likely that from her POV she felt you were bringing something completely irrelevant into the conversation, as @MolkosTeenageAngst said, like a 'top trumps' of sadness. As you've explained, your intention was completely the opposite. But think of it if it was the other way around - in a scenario where you were getting upset talking about how much you missed your daughter, and, in a misguided attempt at cheering you up she said 'but at least you have your dh, I'm alone all the time,' or similar. You very well might have been like 'WTF, that's not relevant, why are you turning the conversation to yourself and your issues when I'm clearly upset?'

It's obvious being single is a huge worry and distress for her - maybe she's worrying about how she'll cope financially as she gets older, or she's lonely and depressed and going on holiday with her two sisters and their husbands has really brought it home. It's not the sort of thing you can always talk about. She thought she was in a place where she could confide her worries to people she trusts, who would sympathise with her, but instead (to her mind), got a 'cheer up, what have YOU got to complain about?' response. A bit like on here when posters say 'First world problem/I wish that was all I had to worry about/I imagine people in Gaza would love to have your problems.' You're not wrong - the vast majority of people would prefer to be single with their children alive - but that was not the time to say it.

No, he said OP shouldn’t have said her sister was lucky too because she has her children.

but it was OP who brought her daughter into the conversation, not the sister.

I agree with you husband.
You really shouldn't have said what you said.
She was opening up, it’s fucking hard having to be single, even more so when on holiday with privlidged people who do have partners, and then you wouldn’t even have that moment of vulnerability and had to compare.
Did you at least apologize?

I agree the previous comment was utterly batshit. Who is "daddy" in this scenario ffs? And as for the 'trample a women any day to get a man' element, there is literally nothing to support this - you don't even know if OP's sister is straight, she could be upset about not having a female partner!

What makes you think I am privileged because I have a partner ?. I didn't save up and buy him or win him in a lottery?

She was totally in the wrong, insensitive and tactless. She was moaning that you and others have a partner and asking for your sympathy, you quite naturally pointed out that you don't have your daughter (so sorry for your loss). If she wants, she can get a partner, but you can’t get a replacement daughter. The pain of losing a child must be infinitely worse than the worst relationship break up. She’s a self absorbed idiot.

@lovedogsandcats you could say something like ‘I hope we’re good since the conversation the other day. While I don’t think you should have made the comment about not swapping daughter for what I’ve got now, I should never have said you were lucky you still have yours. Anyway, it’s been niggling me ever since and I wanted to apologise’.

I think I will do this . It will only pray on my mind if I do nothing .

I guess it depends how you said it. Maybe she felt a bit attacked if you said it like - well at least you still have both your daughters. Where as I'm guessing you meant for her to think of the positive of her lovely daughters.

Sorry for your unimaginable loss, it must be incredibly difficult.

Honestly, if you've lost a child I don't think you can be blamed for anything you say, ever.

Also, people are not interchangeable.

It's the kind of conversational mess people get into sometimes. Drink might make it more likely to happen.

If she tells you she's lonely again. Give her a hug and remind her she is very loved. I. Your situation I wouldn't have answered her question. I'd have simply said I wish I had both but nothing can ever bring her back as Nd go to bed. In front of your DH who is very much alive it would make him feel like shit to think you'd swap him for your DD even if you would if you could. Some things are best left unspoken. Too much wine.

What does lottory or ’buying’ has to do with anything?

You found a partner. Someone to share a life with.
That is a huge privilege.

I know on MN we are supposed to hate relationships and they are weights around a neck, but in real life, you are lucky to have someone.

My comments were an attempt to help her appreciate her own situation. I think she was pointing out that she is glad her daughters are happy and settled and loved because she feels she never had that . She has been single (and I thought , content) for many years .
I think I may have played it wrong with my comment but it is the fact that she assumes that I would rather be happy in a relationship than have my daughter back . At the time I remember thinking of asking which of her daughters she would 'sacrifice' for a man . But I was hurt and never for a minute think she had thought her comment through . At the time we just sort of changed the subject and have never revisited yet . All is calm and friendly on the sister "WhatsApp " group but I think she will be reflecting on it as much as I am ........

Your sister was wrong to suggest any relationship could make up for the loss of your child in this way.

Your comment that she was lucky to have her DD is entirely understandable given the conversation. Even it was meant as a ‘stop feeling sorry for yourself’ dig, your sister should not have picked up the baton. Having a dig and jumping on the worst moments of your life are not comparable in sisterly tit for tat.

I think DH was a dick too. He needed to check in on you after the subject was raised. Not go to bed in a strop.

No ifs, no buts, no coconuts.