DH doesn't understand why this is rude, AIBU?

[Pony67]

Me and DH are out all day today (not together but both working all day).

My parent was coming over to ours to look after our young child.

I have just found out that my husband has told his ex its fine to drop his son off at our house so she can go out (he is 12). He has also told SS that he can have a friend over too.

Aibu to think this is so SO rude when he knows my parent is at home (and is likely the reason he said it was fine to drop him off).

My parent doesn't really know SS well at all, they aren't close, not like a grandparent / grandchild relationship at all.

SS is a good kid but pretty immature in some ways I.e. I imagine there will be lots of asking for food instead of just getting it himself or drinks or asking if he and friend can go to the park or wherever. All of which I don't feel my parent should need to deal with and is unfair to expect them to especially with things like asking to go out. It shouldn't be on my parent to check they are back in time, check where they are going etc etc...

DH doesn't think it's a problem because he's old enough not to need "loads of care". I disagree and think if he knew my parent was there to care for our DC he should have asked.

My parent hasn't said anything other than to tell me SS and friend had turned up and did I know. But they wouldn't do because they are too nice. I feel like husband has taken advantage a bit.

Interesting isn’t it ? In these types of threads, the OP’s nearly always inadvertently reveal at least one of the contributing factors to the break up of the previous relationship !!

DH should have let your parents know, but a 12yo should feel free to go to his father's home anytime, regardless of who else might be there IMO. Presumably 12yo would have been OK to go to the empty house.

OP has already said he’s not left alone in their home all day - and clearly not when he’s with DM either, so the issue is not whether or not it’s his home, it’s whether he’s trusted to be alone in it. And it would appear not.

Not according to the OP’s update. She and DH don’t leave him alone at home, and clearly his DM doesn’t either, or there would have been no need for her to drop him off in the first place.

Oh my god this is exactly the sort of thing my DH would do when my youngest DSD was that age. And her older really obnoxious sisters too.

I could be spending the day with my mum, going to a girls' boozy brunch or heading to yoga and I'd hear him shouting up 'the plans' to them in their rooms.

Any arrangements taking place with my extended family were suggested to his kids even when I wasn't there. He would have 100 percent done this.

And no he wasn't an idle Disney dad. He couldn't get enough time with them and if he had to be parted for whatever reason (eg was at work) honestly thought the whole world would be nothing short of thrilled to get some time with his girls. They in turn assumed the same which really didn't make the prospect anymore attractive.

In one way (theoretically only tbh) it was sweet of him but in another it was really problematic. He'd gush about how good they were, how funny, how they were no bother. In reality my siblings or parents sometimes didn't want a teenager they barely knew coming out for the day with them and their own kids especially if I wasn't even there. And given I'd been childfree up till meeting him my social engagements often involved alcohol and unsuitable adult conversation.

Sorry but your DH needs to be told loud and clear that (it's not a reflection of his son but)any minding falls under his remit.

This place can be a hoot. We have many threads saying "grandparents shouldn't have to provide childcare" ...except if they are step kids without much of a relationship. Then is the fault of the step parent because it's also the child's home.

Got to love AIBU 😁

Your poor parent, I'd be absolutely furious to have that level of responsibility dumped on me without notice. I'm a grandparent with a step grandchild and I would want to be ASKED to look after him and have the responsibility of a friend as well, knowing how difficult his mother is.

He needs to get his arse home and relieve them, pronto. And grovel. What entitled behaviour.

Regardless of whether full siblings or step siblings GP should still be given a heads up who they are having/expecting.

My own parents are informed if one child or both will need looking after/will be sleeping etc as regardless of whether they are hard work or not it's courteous

Instead of saying to his ex, "Sorry, I'm not at home to take care of him", he thought it'd be perfect for your parent to give free childcare.

That sounds about right doesn't it?

Otherwise there's no need to ask about dropping SS off as he would have a key & come & go as he pleased.

Depending on where his friend is it might also have been more convenient to stay at his Mum's.

Presumably his Mum knows that his dad won't be there?

Ah, another classic step child thread.
Your husbands child.
Should be accepted into your household regardless.
Like your DH said, he is 12 and going out with a friend, self sufficient for a few hours. I don't see an issue. Yes it would have been polite to make your parent aware he was going to be dropped off, but it's not like your parent needs to watch him.
I would say YABU.

I think your husband is rude. That being said

I’m a strong believer in SDC being created as part of the family, but your H should have checked that your parents were ok with looking after 3 kids not one!! They might have made plans for the younger child eg park trip, but wouldn’t know what to do when the older ones appeared. I wouldn’t want to just leave them in the house on their own. Your Dh should have asked first.

It’s a running theme on Mumsnet that Dads who have their kids part time rope in someone else to care for their kids. Their mum, a new partner, new partner’s parents … and to not even ask!

If your parents were not needed to actually supervise the older two, why couldn’t they stay at the mum’s house? That does not make sense.

@Rosscameasdoody that look says if you remove me from my ladderi will remove some of you skin .

What happened Op, did your parent look after all 3 kids?

Even if were my ACTUAL grandchild I'd bloody expect to be asked!

I have three DC. So if DC1 asked me to look after Matilda in their house I wouldn't expect DC2's Henry to just be dropped off without a by-your-leave or a would-you-mind.

Let alone with a friend in tow

Exactly this
The step child thing is a red herring. It's courtesy and politeness and also ensuring the responsible adult in the house knows what to expect and who to contact in an emergency

Oh, and if I was the GP in question I would be having words with my DD's partner (out of earshot of the children)

So he wouldn't pull that one again

This is incredibly rude and really not OK behaviour on your husband's part. He cannot just volunteer your parents' services without asking permission.

I disagree with this. The parents will feel responsible for them if they're there. If nobody needs to watch them, why didn't they just hang out by themselves at the mum's place?

It's all very well saying 12 year old don't need supervision butt you can guarantee if anything we're to happen the OP's parent(s) would be held responsible by at least some probably including CF DH

OP tell your parent(s) to take the little one to the park/out somewhere and tell your DH that that's what they're doing leaving the two 12 year olds home. See how he reacts.

It's not sad, it's quite obvious to work out.

OP and her husband don't have the stepson full-time, so the OP very likely sees her family on the occasions they don't have her stepson in order to use the time they do to see his family. It's perfect normal.

Ok apologies......I missed that the Dad and the Mum don't want him unsupervised and home alone.
Anyway....... maybe I am a "more the merrier" type person because I (if I were the Grandparent) wouldn't have an issue with this at all.
But it's not my family....so 🤷

That's a very good question.