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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask him to take less responsibility

141 replies

QueenOfMyOwnWorld · 13/04/2024 08:16

Me and husband have been together for about 15 years, married for 10. 2 children 8 and 6. Long story short since having kids I have chosen to be a stay at home mum. I briefly returned to work for about a year a couple of years ago and we shared childcare responsibilities.

Last year husband got offered a promotion. He wasn't sure whether to take it but I decided if he took it I would leave work again. We wouldn't need the money and the understanding was that I'd take responsibility of the childcare again.

Anyway things have come to a head recently. He keeps trying to take over my responsibilities. Every night he tries to wash the dishes and tidy up, but this is a job I like to do in the morning. At the weekend I caught him cleaning the bathroom. I've told him it's undermining me and he's only doing it to make me look bad for not doing it while he's at work. He says he's just trying to help.

Also he keeps questioning my decisions about the kids under the pretence that we need to act as a team. Since I quit my job the kids are all I have and I've done everything to help in his career, so the childcare is all I have left. He won't listen and accept that I've made sacrifices for him so he has to take a backseat with the parenting.

His response is always that he never asked or wanted me to leave work and that the most importantly thing in our marriage is working together. But this leaves me with nothing for me. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Pheeeeebs · 13/04/2024 08:19

Very funny 😄

Devilsmommy · 13/04/2024 08:20

Yeah because your husband doing housework is obviously the end of the world 🙄🙄🙄

PoppingTomorrow · 13/04/2024 08:20

I suspect he might be wanting to start a conversation about you going back to work. It's a lot of pressure to be the sole breadwinner.

You are not going to stop being their mother because he's washed up.
If you feel you have nothing left if he cleans the bathroom then it would be a good thing for your to bring some other elements into your life.

sparkellie · 13/04/2024 08:22

Go back to work. For your own sanity. It sounds very controlling to say you don't want him to help with the kids because they are all you have. Sounds like you need something to get your mind working, and housework/kids isn't cutting it. That's not a criticism BTW, I could never be happy if I didn't work at all. Just look for something part time or volunteer if you don't need the money or want too much responsibility.

BobbyBiscuits · 13/04/2024 08:22

You caught him cleaning the bathroom?
It's time to contact a solicitor obviously.

Devilshands · 13/04/2024 08:22

He won't listen and accept that I've made sacrifices for him so he has to take a backseat with the parenting.

That sounds like you’re telling him he’s not allowed to be a dad to his own kids?! You can’t use kids as chess pieces.

geoger · 13/04/2024 08:24

He’s allowed to parent his children even tho he works.
i think he’s hinting at you to either get a job or keep on top of the housework more - I mean you don’t work but you leave the dinner dishes until the next morning?

Scribblydoo · 13/04/2024 08:25

He can come and undermine me in my house if he likes

AspiringChatBot · 13/04/2024 08:26

Stop undermining his relationship with the children (assuming they are his). He should be taking on 50% of the responsibility and care (minus anything that falls to you logistically because it needs to be done while he is at work, like school drop-offs and pick-ups). If that means you have too much free time, find something else to do; it doesn't have to be a job for pay.

Capmagturk · 13/04/2024 08:27

I'd absolutely hate dishes being left till the morning and sitting making the place look a mess all evening. We both work full time and the dishes get done after we eat, so can't blame him. Also why is he even needing to clean the bathroom at the weekend when you're a stay at home parent with kids in school. I think you should go back to work or improve on your housekeeping and that's what he's trying to tell you. What will you have when the kids move out otherwise?

Is this a reverse?

Desecratedcoconut · 13/04/2024 08:31

Is this real? He took a promotion, he didn't sign a contract to care for his children less or become incapable of tidying his own environment.

It'd set me on edge knowing I would be coming down to a grubby kitchen for my morning coffee, so I can totally see why he does that.

Goldx2 · 13/04/2024 08:49

Go back to work 🤷‍♀️. He sounds like a wonderful husband and father

WarshipRocinante · 13/04/2024 08:51

The things some people write. This is just stupid.

QueenOfMyOwnWorld · 13/04/2024 08:52

Capmagturk · 13/04/2024 08:27

I'd absolutely hate dishes being left till the morning and sitting making the place look a mess all evening. We both work full time and the dishes get done after we eat, so can't blame him. Also why is he even needing to clean the bathroom at the weekend when you're a stay at home parent with kids in school. I think you should go back to work or improve on your housekeeping and that's what he's trying to tell you. What will you have when the kids move out otherwise?

Is this a reverse?

I didn't get round to cleaning the bathroom that week so was going to leave it until the next week. I volunteer 2 days a week at our kids school, also meet up with friends and go the classes during the week. By the time I've done all that and done a load of washing and cleaning kitchen I don't always get chance for other things.

The point is I'd much rather he spent time with the kids at the weekend than spend an hour catching up on housework. He said if that was the case he'd do things in the evenings when the kids are asleep because he enjoys it and he finds it more calming after work than watching TV or something like thay. Of all the excuses!

OP posts:
DoreenonTill8 · 13/04/2024 08:52

Sounds like you're building a case as you want to ltb and get more than 50% and his pension..
'I SACRIFICED EVERYTHING FOR HIS CAREER!! 😭😭😭"

Hoppinggreen · 13/04/2024 08:53

Assuming this is not a reverse
Lots of use of the word I there and not so much WE.
And why the hell didnt you get around to cleaning the bathroom that week? I am not great at house work type stuff and have a cleaner once a week but I give the bathrooms a once over in between. Must have been grim
Sounds like he is cleaning etc because you arent

TruthorDie · 13/04/2024 08:53

LTB. He’s an animal!

Couldyounot · 13/04/2024 08:56

Come on now

DoreenonTill8 · 13/04/2024 08:57

meet up with friends and go the classes during the week. By the time I've done all that and done a load of washing and cleaning kitchen I don't always get chance for other things. oh the hardship of this reality!!

theleafandnotthetree · 13/04/2024 08:58

He sounds pretty wonderful and you sound disorganised, self absorbed and slightly unhinged. You are angry because he wants to contribute to the household and to parenting his own children? You want to.deny him and your children that, just so you can feel better about not contributing financially? Cop on.

MrsKeats · 13/04/2024 08:58

I will be back when I've found my tiny violin.
There's a lot of 'I decided' in this post.

sparkellie · 13/04/2024 08:58

QueenOfMyOwnWorld · 13/04/2024 08:52

I didn't get round to cleaning the bathroom that week so was going to leave it until the next week. I volunteer 2 days a week at our kids school, also meet up with friends and go the classes during the week. By the time I've done all that and done a load of washing and cleaning kitchen I don't always get chance for other things.

The point is I'd much rather he spent time with the kids at the weekend than spend an hour catching up on housework. He said if that was the case he'd do things in the evenings when the kids are asleep because he enjoys it and he finds it more calming after work than watching TV or something like thay. Of all the excuses!

So why don't you just go back to work and he can share the load at home? He is obviously happy to do so. I don't understand your reasoning here at all. It sounds like you feel you need to prove something, is that because you aren't working? Honestly.. get a job. Any job. You will feel better for it. Or if you're that unhappy that you need to pick at him for helping just leave. Then you can do it all without anyone interfering.

Desecratedcoconut · 13/04/2024 08:58

Okay, is this a sahm bashing thread by stealth? I honestly can't believe anyone would carry on about a man pottering around the house doing a bit of cleaning because he was muscling in on your territory, I expect you've devised the thread to elicit a slew of responses about your sad life and how you should go back to work. Anyway, fair play, it seems to have worked.

dudsville · 13/04/2024 08:59

Every parent should have a key roll in raising a child. Every adult should clean a toilet, etc.

Hoppinggreen · 13/04/2024 08:59

LTB - Lend out the bastard

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