To ask him to take less responsibility

[QueenOfMyOwnWorld]

Me and husband have been together for about 15 years, married for 10. 2 children 8 and 6. Long story short since having kids I have chosen to be a stay at home mum. I briefly returned to work for about a year a couple of years ago and we shared childcare responsibilities.

Last year husband got offered a promotion. He wasn't sure whether to take it but I decided if he took it I would leave work again. We wouldn't need the money and the understanding was that I'd take responsibility of the childcare again.

Anyway things have come to a head recently. He keeps trying to take over my responsibilities. Every night he tries to wash the dishes and tidy up, but this is a job I like to do in the morning. At the weekend I caught him cleaning the bathroom. I've told him it's undermining me and he's only doing it to make me look bad for not doing it while he's at work. He says he's just trying to help.

Also he keeps questioning my decisions about the kids under the pretence that we need to act as a team. Since I quit my job the kids are all I have and I've done everything to help in his career, so the childcare is all I have left. He won't listen and accept that I've made sacrifices for him so he has to take a backseat with the parenting.

His response is always that he never asked or wanted me to leave work and that the most importantly thing in our marriage is working together. But this leaves me with nothing for me. Am I being unreasonable?

I am being unreasonable according to the posts on here so I have come to a compromise with husband. I've said that I will try to get things done during the week but if he feels the need to get things done at the weekend or when he's not in work then I won't get annoyed with him. He said that what he was doing anyway but thanked me for accepting it.

I'm still going to do my classes and lunches despite the ridicule on here. After all husband gets to do his football two evenings and go to the pub on a Friday or Saturday. If he gets his social life I think I should as well. My classes aren't in the evening before anyone asks.

He does all those things while still meeting his obligations to the family though.

do classes or don’t that’s up to you. But don’t try to make out you’re in some sort of super stressful busy situation.

realise your in a privileged situation and enjoy it - but at least do the housework!

You are being mean and selfish by not wanting your husband to be involved in childcare. It's not your domain. He is the father and he is playing his role as any good father should. What gives you the right to take away that joy from him and the kids? Why are you saying it as if its a bad thing? You have a weird worldview.
Regarding your schedule, you seem to spend the entire afternoon just eating lunch and presumably chilling. I am sure you are not doing the washing yourself, by which I mean hand washing the clothes. Are you? Or is it a washing machine? So how is that taking up any of your time? You know but you are not ready to admit that you have all the time in the world to go for classes AND wash the dishes once you and kids have eaten. You just don't want to do it.

yes, he socialises and has hobbies but also has a full time job and does family stuff. It’s not just your decision not to work, it’s a joint decision. Most people have jobs that go beyond school hours, there’s plenty of options - after school club, holiday clubs etc. I would never want to put my DH in the position of being the sole income, it’s unfair. And what if he loses his job tomorrow, it’s so precarious

Utterly bonkers OP. If this is real you need to have a word with yourself and start appreciating what you have in life.

This has to be a wind up......you need a cleaner, a job and childcare.

Wind up. I can wash up and put washing out whilst looking after a two year old. The house will be spotless with the toddler in nursery. 😂

I would also be pissed off if I was your husband for you choosing to give up work. You will be in trouble if he decides to end the gravy train.

Its not the going to classes and lunch people are ridiculing..it's you prioritising doing that to excess at the expense of holding up your end of the home front AND THEN COMPLAINING THAT YOUR DH does more! It's so bizarre.

😂😂😂

I'm still going to do my classes and lunches despite the ridicule on here. After all husband gets to do his football two evenings and go to the pub on a Friday or Saturday. If he gets his social life I think I should as well.

Except he does all of those things on top of working a full time job, caring for his children and doing more than his fair share of the housework.

You seem to spend six hours a day doing classes, having lunch and hanging up a load of laundry. It’s hardly the same thing.

more 💩💩 than a stables.

OP, I think you’ve lost perspective. Possibly due to giving up work and trying to use the household jobs to replace that sense of contribution that working previously gave you. And when you don’t get the jobs done, you feel you’re not contributing and when DH fills the gap you feel undermined. And maybe vulnerable?

All valid feelings. But gently, what you’ve outlined is not a busy hectic amount to do. So you have time to hold up your side of the bargain and get the jobs done during the day. Honestly, making yourself feel better is in your gift here.

How about trying one of the housework apps or Instagrams often recommended on here? That will give you a schedule to follow and you’ll tick off different jobs every day - giving you your sense of achievement and contribution, managing your time, AND having a clean house that you and your DH can then relax together in. Sounds like a win to me.

He manages to work full time goes football twice a week and the pub once .....how's that the same as 5 gym (me time stress free session of 3 hours) plus up to 5 lunches a week? Not to mention the stress free hanging out the washing .....you're a lady who lunches, you love it but don't pretend your husband gets more me time than you .....if he's happy with it too that's fine but at least keep up with your part of the job or stop moaning when he does it for you.

Well OP my view as the one being the sole breadwinner and my DH being the SAHD.

I was and am out of the house from 6,30 to 6.30 at that age barring one early finish day.

I did clean bathrooms and help out with whatever needed doing and took a full role in parenting my DDs and if my DH had thought it was his sole responsibility I would have put him straight pretty sharpish.

But in my view while I was at work his priority should have been the girls and the house and if that wasn't taken care of I would not have seen that as fair. Equal leisure time is the only fair way to go and liunches, classes and even unpaid volunteering count as that.

So 99% think I'm being unreasonable. Surprised its not 100% given the comments on here. Maybe its a wake up call so I'll have a chat to husband later so see what he thinks about it all. Maybe even show him this thread!