To ask him to take less responsibility

[QueenOfMyOwnWorld]

Me and husband have been together for about 15 years, married for 10. 2 children 8 and 6. Long story short since having kids I have chosen to be a stay at home mum. I briefly returned to work for about a year a couple of years ago and we shared childcare responsibilities.

Last year husband got offered a promotion. He wasn't sure whether to take it but I decided if he took it I would leave work again. We wouldn't need the money and the understanding was that I'd take responsibility of the childcare again.

Anyway things have come to a head recently. He keeps trying to take over my responsibilities. Every night he tries to wash the dishes and tidy up, but this is a job I like to do in the morning. At the weekend I caught him cleaning the bathroom. I've told him it's undermining me and he's only doing it to make me look bad for not doing it while he's at work. He says he's just trying to help.

Also he keeps questioning my decisions about the kids under the pretence that we need to act as a team. Since I quit my job the kids are all I have and I've done everything to help in his career, so the childcare is all I have left. He won't listen and accept that I've made sacrifices for him so he has to take a backseat with the parenting.

His response is always that he never asked or wanted me to leave work and that the most importantly thing in our marriage is working together. But this leaves me with nothing for me. Am I being unreasonable?

You are being totally unreasonable. It's the 21st century. Its his house to. His kids. Stop being a control freak. Who cares if he wants to do dishes, or have time with the kids during the week. That's what normal families do. Most mums on here complain that their partner does nothing. Get a part time job for your own sanity. But great you are able to not work.

You gave up work to be a SAHM to to kids who are in school all day. And you can’t get round to cleaning the bathroom in the three days you aren’t volunteering because you’re busy with one load of washing a day, meeting your mates and doing hobbies.

Either prioritise your job (cleaning the house) or go back to work.

Very unfair on your husband to be left with this shit at the weekend because you’re too busy swanning around.

I also noted you said ‘I decided to give up work’ when he got the promotion.

I think he wants you back at work.

Perhaps he feels like you are not managing and wants to help you?

Or he just cannot stand to let the kids live in a messy house?

If you can't do the bathroom one week you don't leave it another week!

On the chance this is genuine please get back to work. You can then do 50/50 household and child stuff and stop fussing over it.

In line😆

Don’t do anything that turns you into a martyr harping on about sacrifice.

Most working parents also clean the bathroom and take care of the children - as parents we have dual responsibilities, both to provide hands on care and to pay for our children.

Do what you can during the day and the rest is split, this is normal for working parents.

Come on now. Didn’t have time to clean the bathroom one week so you leave it to the next week’s tasks?! My DH and I both work full time and we manage to get washing machine is on twice a week, the bathroom gets cleaned, and dishes done after tea so we can both relax for the evening without them hanging around. You have time!

Your post reads like you want to be a SAHM without the ‘jobs’ of a SAHM. You want to go out with friends and do your classes as a priority over the housework - you’re a SAHM, not a ‘lady who lunches’.

Go have a wander through Relationships and see how many women have a lazy man-child who doesn’t lift a finger as either a parent or around the house. Your DH is working all day then coming home and doing stuff you could have done during the day. Sounds unfair on him.

if you’d rather he spent the time with the kids at the weekend than catching up on housework (while you do what? Sit and watch him do it?!) then don’t leave housework undone that you had time to do during the day.

To be clear: of course I think both adults are responsible for housework. But if you’ve decided that one has a job and one stays at home, that shifts more of the housework into the time of the person saying at home.

This was hard to read. You are extremely controlling when it comes to having a go at someone for doing dishes. Honestly get a grip, and probably get yourself back to work for some sanity.

All I read from your post is all the decisions are YOURS and YOURS ONLY.

Are the schools still off, slovenly household!

I agree with this.

Also, go back to work. Ours really not fair in your husband to work himself into the ground and then have to clean the bathroom as your Very Busy Schedule means you didn't have time that week so we're just going to skip it.

In short, you are not keeping your side of the bargain and are prioritising seeing friends and doing classes OVER pulling your weight as a stay at home parent in charge of the cleaning. The cleaning is literally YOUR JOB. Yet he is having to bank roll your jollies with friends and these classes AND to scrub the loo.

Do him a favour and just go back to work and let him do half the cleaning. You sound like a selfish nightmare tbh

You know what, your username says it all. This can not possibly be real.

You're at it 🤣

I didn't get round to cleaning the bathroom that week so was going to leave it until the next week. I volunteer 2 days a week at our kids school, also meet up with friends and go the classes during the week. By the time I've done all that and done a load of washing and cleaning kitchen I don't always get chance for other things.

You have unilaterally decided to give up work to ‘support’ your husband’s career yet can’t be arsed to clean the bathroom because you spend too much time volunteering/seeing friends and going to classes. THEN you get cross with your husband for cleaning the bathroom!?

Either stay at home and actually do the housework or go to work and share it with your husband like he’s suggesting!

So enjoying the cleaning and looking after own children is now called “an excuse” rather than a normal modus operandi for a responsible adult. Yeah, ok.
Sounds like you don’t like your husband very much and are looking for reasons to have a go at him. If you think cleaning the bathroom is undermining, it’s your issue not your husband’s. It’s very sad to think that you have so little going on in your life that your entire value system is based on how many household tasks you don’t need help with.

Your husband sounds like a bloody dreamboat!! I think I am in love with him!

Also when you volunteer at a school it's not the whole day generally. Couple hours morning or afternoon usually.

Lots of I decided in your post. When does he get a say, is he just your cash cow for your girls lunches ?

They’re his kids and it’s his house too. So of course he has responsibility and input in these things. Of course it’s not the same the other way round. Also if he said he never asked you to quit work etc then that also puts more responsibility on him whether you realised that then or not.

This all sounds ridiculous and painful for him actually.

It sounds like you’re pushing him away from being a parent, he’s a parent as much as you are. Working FT doesn’t change that. I think you need to go back to work and split child care and house stuff. Perhaps he is starting to resent being the sole income whilst you’re seeing friends in the day.

You caught him cleaning the bathroom? How dare he? LTB.

This is a piss take thread right?

EDIT - Oh my gosh it’s NOT.

OP, you nutter, it’s your husband’s house too, if he likes to potter and clean (I have heard there are such people) then he can.

More seriously, no you bloody can’t tell him to step back from parenting, you have an equal say as parents.

You aren’t a stay at home mum once your kids are at school - you are a housewife. Either enjoy not having much to do, or find something to do.

I think this may be one of those threads where the OP doesn’t like the responses and flounces off to go and be reasonable elsewhere.
The level of unreasonable is so high that I hope she goes out and gets a job! For his sake!

Is this a loss take. He sounds too good to be true.

However if it's real... Go back to work. Never leave your financial security in the hands of someone else if you can possibly help it. Even part time.

If that's not an option, stop volunteering and do the housework you're supposed to be doing yourself. Only after that if you have time can you volunteer.
Charity begins at home as the saying goes.