To ask him to take less responsibility

[QueenOfMyOwnWorld]

Me and husband have been together for about 15 years, married for 10. 2 children 8 and 6. Long story short since having kids I have chosen to be a stay at home mum. I briefly returned to work for about a year a couple of years ago and we shared childcare responsibilities.

Last year husband got offered a promotion. He wasn't sure whether to take it but I decided if he took it I would leave work again. We wouldn't need the money and the understanding was that I'd take responsibility of the childcare again.

Anyway things have come to a head recently. He keeps trying to take over my responsibilities. Every night he tries to wash the dishes and tidy up, but this is a job I like to do in the morning. At the weekend I caught him cleaning the bathroom. I've told him it's undermining me and he's only doing it to make me look bad for not doing it while he's at work. He says he's just trying to help.

Also he keeps questioning my decisions about the kids under the pretence that we need to act as a team. Since I quit my job the kids are all I have and I've done everything to help in his career, so the childcare is all I have left. He won't listen and accept that I've made sacrifices for him so he has to take a backseat with the parenting.

His response is always that he never asked or wanted me to leave work and that the most importantly thing in our marriage is working together. But this leaves me with nothing for me. Am I being unreasonable?

I want him to recognize my feelings and what I've done to help him

You chose to give up work so don't try and paint yourself as a martyr who made some massive sacrifice for her husband's career. He never asked you to leave and quite happily did half the childcare when you did work for a couple of years.

He sounds amazing and you sound ridiculous.

He's doing 'your' jobs because you're not, and instead prioritising the gym and friends, that is leisure time.

Be honest with yourself OP, you're having it good and you are worried he is going to throw it back at you one day. You're no sacrificing anything for him.

How about you meet your friends after you've done everything that is needed? And yes, doing dishes at night is reasonable, a bit disgusting to get up readi for work to be faced with the mess.

I think you are being unreasonable and unfair.

If he is doing dishes and cleaning a bathroom - bloody great! Who cares if you 'usually' do it.

Surely he is allowed to take a role in childcare as well? They are his children!

Truthfully, to me, it sounds like you don't want to work, so you don't want him doing things in the home because that may give the impression you could work.

You sound bonkers op, sorry. You chose to give up work for one thing. And complaining he gives you things from his own account, not the joint account? Eh? You don’t work, so where does the joint account money come from - him.. He sounds great and frankly you don’t know how lucky you are…! Wise up and shut up before he realises his wife is Never. Fkn. Happy!

Two kids at school, no work to do, and you can't clean your bathroom?

Don't worry op, there will be more dishes and the bathroom will be used again soon .

You have control issues.

Or this is satire .

I mean, if you’re not prioritising what you claim are your responsibilities and are instead prioritising yourself and your mates then of course you’re being unreasonable. Get your shit done first then there won’t be an issue will there.

This must be a reverse or the op is bonkers.

Oh OP you're making it worse 🤣

So you have a DH who likes to wind down by cleaning and this is causing problems for you because you need to justify yourself ?
It’s definitely a different complaint.

Sounds like there’s no real need for you to be a SAHM, you know it and every time DH picks up a duster you get uncomfortable. He’s telling you to go back to work too in case you hadn’t noticed. I doubt he thinks your heavy schedule of volunteering ,the class and lunches is the giant help you seem to think.
You would be more of a team if you were “ sacrificing” for him by taking some of the financial responsibility off his shoulders by earning.

Of course , I’m leaning towards this being fake because what the hell?

You're having a larf mate.

By sneaking off to do jobs without telling me because he thinks I'll get annoyed if he does them. Which is true because he is undermining my responsibilities at home

But you're not taking responsibility for your responsibilities. You're too busy meeting up with friends and attending classes. As everyone else has said, you sound like the controlling one who is undermining your DH. He sounds great to me. Just because you're a SAHM it doesn't mean you get to make all the decisions. That's not how a family/partnership works.

As for not being able to get a job that works around childcare, that's not true. Granted, they are few and far between but I've just managed to get one.

Serious question OP - he wants a clean bathroom, you're not cleaning it. Even without getting into a debate about duties and who should do what - what alternative does he have?

😂😂😂**

Another one the kids were arguing about something the other day. He was trying to sort it out but got all stroppy with me when I took over because it wasn't the way I would normally deal with the kids. I'm at home with them more so they are used to the way I deal with things like that. By dealing with it differently it's not consistent for them.

and yet you accuse him of undermining you?

I think you really need to have a hard look at yourself. A husband who is actively involved in his kids, does housework without being even asked to (women across the globe dream of this!!) is very conscious of money and not leaving you short for things like food shops ect or anything you may want to do. He never has a go at you for not doing jobs round the house which in all honesty I would expect you to be able to do in a timely manner. You are punching with your husband and you need to start appreciating it rather than complaining about nothing.

Why don't you just clean the bathroom before you go to your class? If you do it a couple of times a week, even with two kids it can't be that dirty. Same with the dishes - haven't you got a dishwasher? Just chuck everything in the dishwasher as you go, and then put it on overnight when you go to bed.

Is there something else going on, here though? It just seems a bit weird to be so emotionally invested in housecleaning when you aren't even doing it!

This can't be genuine surely?!

Fucking hell.

You have absolutely no idea how lucky you are.

This gets worse and worse. It must be a reverse or something surely.

I decided if he took it <the promotion> I would leave work again.

His response is always that he never asked or wanted me to leave work

he didn’t!!!

also all this “the children are all I have!!!” nonsense needs to stop. They’ll be off to uni in a few years.

i honestly think this has to be a reverse from a husband who isn’t giving the full picture.

This is a piss take

Sorry OP but IF this is real, you're lazy and self-absorbed.

Clean the house etc and then see your mates and volunteer.

Your DH having to clean because you couldn't possibly fit it into your busy social life when you're "at home" 7 days a week (compared to his, presumably 2 days) is pretty shit.

Did he actually agree with your decisions to stop work and stay home?

Yabvvu.

You sound like you are determined to justify your not working out of the home by clinging to a "need" for you at home that does not exist. He is just as entitled to participate in the tasks needed to run the household and handle things re the kids as you are - working out of the home doesn't diminish your responsibilities as a parent?! How do you think it works when both parents work?

I actually feel sorry for the husband for once!