To ask him to take less responsibility

[QueenOfMyOwnWorld]

Me and husband have been together for about 15 years, married for 10. 2 children 8 and 6. Long story short since having kids I have chosen to be a stay at home mum. I briefly returned to work for about a year a couple of years ago and we shared childcare responsibilities.

Last year husband got offered a promotion. He wasn't sure whether to take it but I decided if he took it I would leave work again. We wouldn't need the money and the understanding was that I'd take responsibility of the childcare again.

Anyway things have come to a head recently. He keeps trying to take over my responsibilities. Every night he tries to wash the dishes and tidy up, but this is a job I like to do in the morning. At the weekend I caught him cleaning the bathroom. I've told him it's undermining me and he's only doing it to make me look bad for not doing it while he's at work. He says he's just trying to help.

Also he keeps questioning my decisions about the kids under the pretence that we need to act as a team. Since I quit my job the kids are all I have and I've done everything to help in his career, so the childcare is all I have left. He won't listen and accept that I've made sacrifices for him so he has to take a backseat with the parenting.

His response is always that he never asked or wanted me to leave work and that the most importantly thing in our marriage is working together. But this leaves me with nothing for me. Am I being unreasonable?

His response is always that he never asked or wanted me to leave work and that the most importantly thing in our marriage is working together. But this leaves me with nothing for me.

This is all bonkers. Reading between the lines, you may well not be married for too much longer. I would suggest you go back to work!

If you can't find time to clean a single family bathroom when you're a SAHM it sounds like you're struggling. Maybe he thinks you are.

Personally if I was out all week a grubby bathroom would not go down well.

So is the game plan that you're the SAHM, he's a high earner so you can divorce him, get the kids other than EOW and a hearty share of the assets and high maintenance? Cos that's how it reads.

Come Friday, when your husband comes home, your house should be spotless.

You really need to get a job.

No. I want him to recognize my feelings and what I've done to help him and for him to support me in my decisions.

Feel like noone is really getting my situation and just accusing me of being selfish. I can't get a job around the school runs and that is term time o lying so I'm taking responsibility for the childcare.

Husband is great with the kids and I enjoy the time we have as a family. He does his share of ferrying them around to clubs and party's and they adore him. He just doesn't get me.

His response is always that he never asked or wanted me to leave work and that the most importantly thing in our marriage is working together. But this leaves me with nothing for me. Am I being unreasonable?

Yes. So you made unilateral decision to leave work, and be a sahm, but this can't include actual household tasks, because you're too busy with friends and your classes? But he's the dick for cleaning the bathroom?

The issue is the things you decided are "yours" are also his. Like the house and the children.

Yours can be the lunches, friends, hobbies,volunteering etc. That's plenty left for you and you only.

You sound very controlling in this post. You can’t dictate what he’s not allowed to do in the home and how he parents your children. You chose to make a home and have a family with this man, you have to respect he will have a view about his contribution to this. You also sound insecure. I wonder if your insecurity about your position is making you feel threatened by what sounds like a man who is genuinely trying to help and wants to contribute. Sadly I think this is a case where you need to reflect on what’s going on for you emotionally to respond this way and to try and address it.

OP, obviously we don’t get you either.

Would you try again? In what fundamental sense is DH undermining you?

Feel like noone is really getting my situation and just accusing me of being selfish. I can't get a job around the school runs and that is term time o lying

You don’t have to. There is such thing as wraparound care! What job have you just given up?

You sound like you want to not work and stay at home seeing your mates and avoiding housework!

If you'd said I chose to be a SAHM and work really hard to keep a spotless tidy house, cook from scratch, grow veg in the garden, use my six free hours a day as my "housework" work time but DH is complaining it's not good enough for his standards then you'd be ok, but you're complaining that he dares to pick up your slack. Of course you are BU if you expect him to just hand it all over to you and then have zero input on his home and kids, especially if you're not covering your side of the bargain.

What a selfish bastard he is, to dare to do some housework.

You don't get him either it seems.

He doesn't want dishes left overnight and he would rather have a clean bathroom. If he feels he can't relax knowing they are left in that state and you aren't prepared to do them (on the basis you want to) then don't complain when he does so he feels happier in his home space.

In addition to what all the pp have said, you really need to build a life outside of the kids OP, what will you do when they've grown up and left home? Even if they're only young now, the longer you spend in your bubble and outside of real life, the harder you'll find it to join back in.

By doing the jobs around the house that are mine to do. It's just a way of making me feel bad for not doing them.

By sneaking off to do jobs without telling me because he thinks I'll get annoyed if he does them. Which is true because he is undermining my responsibilities at home.

By offering to pay for things for me out of his money not out of the joint account. Its rubbing it in that he gets a wage and I don't.

By making decisions about the kids without consulting me. Prime example 1 kid had a party to go to, the other a football match. We were all going to go together as they were in similar places. After the football finished son would come to the end of the party. The football game got moved because of the pitch being muddy. He decided that he would go to the football and then drive son over to the party so he wouldn't miss out. Didn't discuss it just decided it and told son.

Another one the kids were arguing about something the other day. He was trying to sort it out but got all stroppy with me when I took over because it wasn't the way I would normally deal with the kids. I'm at home with them more so they are used to the way I deal with things like that. By dealing with it differently it's not consistent for them.

You are showing a disturbing lack of inner self here. If you can’t be “Queen of your domain” then is your life not acceptable?

If this is real you sound horribly controlling and like you are the one undermining him, I can’t believe you took over with the kids when he was sorting it because he wasn’t doing it ‘your way.’ They are joint children, you are both parents and have no more claim over them than him just because you have nothing else going on in your life.

I can't believe this is true. Is so mind blowing unreasonable. I think you urgently need to either go back to work, lots of people manage around school runs and holidays, or get something else going on in your life. If your sense of self is so shook by your husband cleaning his own bathroom you really have big problems.

Holy crap this is actually getting worse. You have an involved, active father and what you actually want is one the many many lazy, selfish man children who secretly want a 1950s wife. He's not treating his money as only his, he's offering to buy you things above the household account..what an arse!

As for the kids .yes ideally you are on the same page but realistically most parents have different ways of dealing with things, different levels of patience etc. Kids learn that X is ok with mummy but not daddy. It's a valuable life lesson actually about behaviour in different contexts. You jumping in and changing what he was doing is MASSIVELY undermining to him. I'd watch it op, or you might actually find yourself divorced, having to work and use childcare and only having 50/50..he doesn't sound like the kind of dad who'd be ok with minimal contact.

Literally none of the excuses you have given are showing him doing anything wrong. You sound extremely controlling, they are his kids too, you don't own them.

Highly strung much OP 🙄 your DH sounds lovely, you not so much.

Parenting is a team effort but also doesn’t require consultation on every decision or action. Just because you are the primary parent while your husband is at work doesn’t mean you get to interfere with his parenting when he is around.

Most people would be glad that their partner was actively engaging with parenting their children and doing their fair share at home do you complaining about this is extremely hard for people to relate to or empathise with.

Being the stay at home parent doesn’t mean that the other parent relinquishes all parental, family and household responsibility. The fact you feel undermined by your husband being an active participant in your family life is an issue you need to address. He’s not doing anything wrong and I imagine is very confused by your frustration. Perhaps you need to reframe how you view things at home, if your job is staying home then those hours should match up to your husband’s work hours, anything outside those hours (evenings and weekends) should be shared equally. If you continue as you are you’re going to continue to build resentment towards your husband and he will feel the same towards you. It’s also not healthy modelling for your children to think that mum has to do everything even when dad is present and perfectly capable.

My mum was a traditional homemaker after we were all in school, OP. She volunteered, she lunched and had loads of friends and did hobbies, she had help in the home.

But she also organised myDPs’ extensive joint social life, did a lot of business entertaining for DF, supervised the extensive upkeep of the house, did a reasonable amount of cleaning herself and cooked divinely. She was the chief parent day to day but DF was fairly involved, especially considering his job. She always encouraged that

DF’s role in housework was limited to picking up after himself and taking care of the cars, but he did both of those well. DM would not have been pleased to be sent out to work, but the DPs clearly had a bargain and she lived up to her half beautifully.

I am sorry but the idea of coming down to breakfast and finding last night’s dishes nearly makes me queasy. It sets a bad tone for the day. Perhaps your DH feels the same way. Needs must at times and one copes, but that isn’t how you are making it sound in your household.

I don’t share my parents’ choices but I certainly respect them. When MumsNetters scorn homemaking I sometimes wonder if they realise how enriching it can be, when one is financially lucky enough to be able to do it in a decent style.

However it only works if both partners make a full and fully recognised contribution. I accept that you feel misunderstood but what you’ve described doesn’t sound like a true partnership

Jeez, he needs to LTB.

Send him to me then lol.