To ask him to take less responsibility

[QueenOfMyOwnWorld]

Me and husband have been together for about 15 years, married for 10. 2 children 8 and 6. Long story short since having kids I have chosen to be a stay at home mum. I briefly returned to work for about a year a couple of years ago and we shared childcare responsibilities.

Last year husband got offered a promotion. He wasn't sure whether to take it but I decided if he took it I would leave work again. We wouldn't need the money and the understanding was that I'd take responsibility of the childcare again.

Anyway things have come to a head recently. He keeps trying to take over my responsibilities. Every night he tries to wash the dishes and tidy up, but this is a job I like to do in the morning. At the weekend I caught him cleaning the bathroom. I've told him it's undermining me and he's only doing it to make me look bad for not doing it while he's at work. He says he's just trying to help.

Also he keeps questioning my decisions about the kids under the pretence that we need to act as a team. Since I quit my job the kids are all I have and I've done everything to help in his career, so the childcare is all I have left. He won't listen and accept that I've made sacrifices for him so he has to take a backseat with the parenting.

His response is always that he never asked or wanted me to leave work and that the most importantly thing in our marriage is working together. But this leaves me with nothing for me. Am I being unreasonable?

This cannot be real. I call fake post

I reckon this is just the tip of the iceberg!! Does he offer to pay for you to have hair and nail appointments?

But if this is serious then OP, it seems you have a case of misplaced identity, in that, you feel as though if you're husband is defined by his job - you should be allowed to be 'mother' so that you remain visible and important in the eyes of others because if he can ostensibly 'do it all' then you're sort of unrequired, just sort of there in the background who no-one really knows what she does or is but is just 'there'. If that's your thinking then grab hold of a firm grip, take stock of your life and realise that you have a strong family, a good husband and figure out what makes you 'tick' and pursue it if you need to feel like you are 'someone.'

Some women take great pleasure in the fact that the extent of their responsibilities in life is to work out whether to buy or rent garden furniture for the outhouse this summer.

To answer some of the things that have been said.

No this isn't fake or a reverse. My friends agree with me so I know I'm not alone. They suggested I posted here.

I left work because I can't stand the thought of the kids in childcare. They need their parents not someone else to look after them. Now husband is the works manager at the factory he can't be flexible with hours so a lot rests on me.

I could go back to work but then I really wouldn't have time to do any of the other things.

Each day I get up, get the kids ready for schools (one at infant school and one at junior) and take them. Normally do a class on the way home. By the time I'm back I do the washing up and hang washing out. Then lunch. By that time it's almost time to get them from school. After school is a mad rush between different schools, after school clubs and swimming lessons. Normally 4.30 by time we're home. Snack and drink for kids, then husband is home and time to make dinner. By evening I can't face doing more which is why I leave dishes until the next morning.

Gosh @QueenOfMyOwnWorld you really are aren't you?!
I don't know how you manage all of that... school runs, the laundry, meeting with friends and fun classes?! You should get on that blog #dontknowhowshedoesit !

If you really don't like him helping do housework when he's around because it makes you feel guilty, then go back to work, that way you can split the jobs between you.
If you are home and say these are your jobs to do, then do them. You can't leave things because the week has been busy, you have to make time for them if you consider this your full time job.

Ffs you do a class every day and complain that you're overloaded? Pathetically selfish. How long does it takes to "make lunch" for just you? I don't know who your friends are..maybe similar non working mothers whose husbands DON'T help at all? Do they pay for cleaners instead or do their husbands not care?

So you can't face doing the dishes in the evening after your extremely busy day and you still complain that your husband does them? I fail to see the logic.
You left work because you can't bare the thought of chidren being looked after by someone else but they are both at school. So do you really only have time to make lunch and do a load of laundry for the entire day? Because most of us are able to do that while having a full time job.

The more you post the more you make yourself sound like a princess. Your day isn’t busy, nowhere near!

Your friends all agree with you?! Yeah, course they do!!

If you stopped doing your morning ‘classes’ you’d have plenty of time to do the housework, clean the bathroom and maybe more energy to wash up after dinner.

Usually when couples make the decision for one person to stay at home full time, they have preschoolers and/or do all of the housework. They don’t fanny around doing lunches and classes and then not washing up!

I feel sorry for your husband. If I was out working full time so that my spouse could stay at home for 6 hours every day, I’d be pissed off if they wouldn’t even do basic housework!

I left work because I can't stand the thought of the kids in childcare. They need their parents

I would get this if they were babies, but they’re at school! Even if they had to go to breakfast/after school club for a bit sometimes, they would still have parents??

You just sound like you don’t want to work and are justifying it by saying how busy and important you are, when you aren’t actually managing to keep on top of basic housework.

Anyway, it’s not us you need to convince, it’s your husband and he sounds increasingly unwilling to support this princess lifestyle! I presume you saying to him , ‘but all my friends say I’m right’ isn’t selling it to him 😂.

How long is lunch that it takes you an entire school day to do a load of washing up and hang out some washing? Do you grab a quick sandwich or do you go out every day to meet friends?

Just hung out a full load in about 5 minutes. Maybe closer to 10 as there were loads of socks in it 😂🙃😂

This is absolutely bonkers 😝

You are being ridiculous. I work and my husband stays at home. I will do some chores at the weekend because i don't see why i should get to relax all weekend while he does everything.

Having said that, I would be pretty annoyed if chores weren't getting done during the week because he was busy going to yoga and meeting his mates.

And there's no way i would be leaving all decisions about our kids to him.

Having said that, I would be pretty annoyed if chores weren't getting done during the week because he was busy going to yoga and meeting his mates.And there's no way i would be leaving all decisions about our kids to him.

Absolutely this!

Each day I get up, get the kids ready for schools (one at infant school and one at junior) and take them. Normally do a class on the way home. By the time I'm back I do the washing up and hang washing out. Then lunch. By that time it's almost time to get them from school. After school is a mad rush between different schools, after school clubs and swimming lessons. Normally 4.30 by time we're home. Snack and drink for kids, then husband is home and time to make dinner. By evening I can't face doing more which is why I leave dishes until the next morning

Gosh, yes, you are very extremely busy. How exhausting. Poor love. Have you thought about booking a massage to relax. Use the joint account. 🙄

I get more done than you in the hour between waking up and going to work in the mornings

6 hours to yourself every day the house should be perfect. Why are you too tired to wash dishes anyway.....but Jesus don't complain he wants to or anything else he chooses to do for his family including being with his kids.

You need a reality check.

I get up at 6am. I get myself ready and get my toddler up and ready for nursery. One of us takes her to nursery. If it's a day I'm in the office (twice a week) I am on a train by 7.45am. I do a full day's work, in a demanding job, albeit I leave a bit earlier so I can spend an hour with my child before they go to bed at 7pm. Then it is cooking, tidying, washing, more work (until 11pm one night this week) and bed. Get up and repeat. If it is a WFH day, I might be able to squeeze in loading the dishwasher and maybe a load of washing.

I am incredibly lucky to have one day off per week (not on a weekend). In that day I will do both nursery runs, clean the entire house, do life admin, do as much washing as I can, fit in any personal stuff like shaving my legs/plucking eyebrows etc. And no I don't do my nails or have them done, or any other similar luxury because I don't have time. I also try to batch cook at least a couple of meals for the week. I basically don't stop from the minute my child arrives at nursery to when I pick them up.

Weekends are a mish mash of family time and the odd jobs we can fit in here and there. And if I've swapped my non-working day, am working extra (for no extra pay, because I'm salaried) or there's a BH (so nursery is closed) I have to squeeze everything in to the four other days.

You're taking the mick.

Going against the flow slightly - I work part time and DH is full time. There are certain jobs around the house that I believe to be “mine” and I generally do them. I feel a bit guilty if DH does them, but sometimes this comes across to him as me being annoyed. It’s not me being controlling, I know that he works hard and on the days I don’t go out to work I feel that it’s only fair that I do those jobs. On the days I do go to work, he can crack on with housework 🤣

Leaving dirty dishes all night and not cleaning the bathroom all week, I’m not surprised your husband takes it upon himself to do these tasks. I think eventually your dh will file for divorce. Your attitude towards him is awful.

Wtf, just when you thought you've read it all... This deserves its own subsection of MN classics. For all the wrong reasons.

I cannot for the life of me work out what he has done so badly ..

Doesn’t run everything by you child related , cleans the bathroom - what an arsole . Washes the dishes because you are exhausted around all your classes and lunches out .

tbh your kids are in school . I have no idea why basic cleaning - the bathroom , laundry kitchen , dinner prep isn’t done during school hours .

you sound lazy and entitled . Go back to work a couple of days a week instead of volunteering . You will have your own money, add to your pension .

your kids would probably enjoy breakfast and after school club .

Less classes and more dishes and you'd not have half the problems you have.

Op, your husband sounds fantastic. Maybe the answer is to go back to work and share the household tasks which your husband enjoys. You could then build up your own funds and pension.

Love, if I didn't work my house would be spotless. And, I'm sure I'd manage a few hours volunteering at the school and a couple of classes, as well as the house work, especially if the kids are school age.
This is an odd thread and also having a dig at those of us that dare to leave our little darlings in childcare.
Not sure what your complaint is to be honest, I'd love to "catch" someone else cleaning my bathroom (my husband does do his fair share but bathroom cleaning is not high on his agenda!).
Enjoy all your lunches and classes!