Parents moaning their pensions are not enough!!

[Bluesky91]

My parents own a large 3 bed semi. They extended it to convert to a huge 5bed house. After I moved out, my brother stayed back. He is not a high earner (teacher). He got married a few years later. His wife works for minimum wage. On their salaries, they will struggle to live on their own - they will have nothing left to save/spend on lifestyle. They have a 4yr old child. They all live with my parents.

Earlier this evening, I was visiting my parents. My mom was out with her exercise group. Brother, SIL and DN went out for dinner. My dad ticked off all of a sudden saying they have no money by 20th of every month and it’s very unfair on pensioners. wtf. My parents have TWO pensions. Just that they chose to pay everything for the house, bills, food, cleaner, car, childcare, DNs activities, etc. DB/SIL spend their income on lifestyle and investments. it’s not NHS/ Govt’s problem. My dad got so mad a me for saying this, he shouted at me saying “do you want us to kick your brother out? How will he live?”

Within means? Like everyone else?

AIBU ?

I am not suggesting that you are looking towards an inheritance but what is the likelihood of your brother getting the lot? Pretty high I assume?
Because they won't want him homeless or his cushtly life disrupted, will they?

No wonder why your dad is moaning if they are covering the living of five people. Once I've said that, he is the one that is being very unreasonable because they choose to cover their expenses and he is complaining to the wrong person. He should be complaining to your brother and SIL who have the face to go out for dinner and not cover anything in the house they live.
Leave it up to them. They want to cover their full board, fair enough, shut your dad mouth next time saying that is a conversation you need to have with DB.
Don't think they are going to take care of your parents if they need it, they sound very entitled to me.

Your situation aside, the UK pension is not enough. It is really low compared to other EU countries, we have a later start date on it, and many of our pensioners have paid all their lives into it. I'm not a pensioner FYI.

That aside, your DB is a CF'er.

What you have here is a strong preference for male children and grandchildren. Your brother and his DS are the favourites. They have made zero attempt to even hide it. My Mother had a clear favourite of her six children and my FIL very obviously favoured SIL. At least I had siblings to discuss this with and knew it wasn’t my imagination.

Roll on decades. Four of my siblings did a lot for our Mother as she became disabled. Myself and one other sister had moved many miles away. So we saw her a lot less. When she died she left her entire estate to her favourite child. Myself and other living far away sis had seen it coming many years before, it was no shock to us but the other three were really upset. To be honest two of them had done such a lot for her, one had her round their house for dinner every day for a decade, they lived a couple of doors away from each other.

FIL also left his entire estate to SIL, the most devastated was MIL, they were divorced many years previously. I mean I wasn’t as he was an obnoxious old git. DH and I joke how we were meant to be together as not the favourites. What’s funny is we were both boringly well behaved children that gave zero trouble, studious and bookish, our parents boasted of our academic achievements and the favoured sisters were difficult children.

Nothing you say or do will change this dynamic.

This thread has been so therapeutic to read!
I have a very similar situation, but swap DB for a single DSis.
I agree with a PP that the more you try to suggest things, you’ll end up being in the wrong and the bad guy.
It’s emotionally draining listening to a parent vent about the situation whilst the other enables. Truth be told, they both enable. Advice falls on deaf ears.
Why would they want to move out when they have a live in chef, housekeeper, laundry maid, ironer, garden, etc.
Being equipped to fail is what happens.
Oh and they can’t possibly move out (SE England) because then they would not have the current standard of living.
Boils my blood!

Think I will have to use a stock line - what can you do, it is what she has chosen -is good. I’ve said it all before but do they listen? No. The Co-dependency between mum and daughter runs so deep, boundaries do not exist.

and breathe!

I think for your DF to bring it up when no one was around was a way of seeking help, but at the same time not wanting to be the bad guy.
He knows they're broke amd can't afford to sustain the living arrangements, especially with DN heading into teenage hood and the expense it brings.
He then gets defensive as he knows they've enabled it.

They won't want to risk seeing DN less so would rather trod along.

It is not 100% their fault as your DB & SIL wouldn't treat a friend or other relative this way.
They could have insisted on taking on some financial responsibilities, just as your parents did.
That would have been a way to show that he is a grown man who can look after his family and help break the current narrative.

There needs to be a family meeting or you talking to your brother and saying that he needs to pay.

It's quite grabby to be expecting your parents to subside three people.

Bet your SIL gets well with them, why wouldn't she, free everything. Great that she helps but don't see how 4 adults need a cleaner 3 times a week.

Your poor parents, once they're elderly and relying more on your DB, bet he'll taking more and more advantage of them.
He always has done.

This.
If they really can’t see that allowing your DB + 2 to live with them, without expecting them to contribute a reasonable amount, is mad - when they say they’re short of money! - then I doubt that anything you say is going to influence them.

Some people do just moan endlessly, but refuse to take the obvious action.

IMO some do derive some sort of perverse satisfaction from being the ‘virtuous victim’. It gives them plenty to continually complain about!

Their pensions aren't enough to support a whole extra family, no. Nor should they Bex

Would I be right in guessing there is a cultural aspect at play here and that your family is from a culture where multi-generational living is quite normal? That would explain why they’ve favoured your son: it’s traditional for the son and his family to live with the parents and to care for them when they age.
Leaving affordability aside, there are pluses and minuses to this and but you must not step forward when they need help in later years. They’ve made their choice and (prepare yourself) your brother will get their house and assets when they pass on.
On the affordability side, I imagine this is frustrating: your DB’s kid is in private school and they live in a big house while having money to invest (bitcoin?) while that some of this is achieved with much more effort on your side. I would leave them to it and when your dad brings it up again, just say “you know my opinion” and leave it. There is nothing to be gained from getting involved in this family unit and its dynamics. But it’s hard..
If I’m wrong on the culture side, then please ignore the above!

Then they are mad. Carers are trained professionals. It's bloody hard work and these two freeloaders certainly don't sound like they would be up for it.

It's almost financial abuse when you think about it.

Your parents may be banking on care from your brother, I can virtually guarantee as soon as this is a possibility he'll piss off with his massive savings and buy a house somewhere else.

This is like penis portions on steroids.

Well one of my kids is a teacher, they live in the 2nd most expensive city in the country and they manage to have a lovely 3 bed house, one works part time but obviously pay for childcare. You are all infantalising your brother.

You can't win.

You could drop the bomb at dinner one day.
Saying it was never a problem that you lived in a one bed flat, noone had ever subbed you.
That your father is complaining he us skint by the 20th.
That your db & co, are leeching cock lodging spongers, they dont help with chores & have free childcare.

But the whole pack will pull together & you will become the enemy..

Maybe text your B, & tell him your F is complaining he is broke, & his pension isn't covering the outgoing expenditures, They need to put their grubby hands in their pockets & pay some bills

Unless the parents need nursing care, in which case their assets (including the house) will go towards funding that. An inheritance is not guaranteed.

Your brother is taking advantage, yes, but being a teacher is nothing like 'going to school'. You can resent him without disrespecting an entire profession.

OP, looking at this situation I wouldn't expect to inherit from them. They will leave your DB the house because it's his home and you already have one. You can see it a mile away.

Your parents do have enough money to live off. They have created this situation . They either make your brother pull his weight, or they put up and shut up.

I would also gently point out that I wouldn’t be doing any caring work. the dynamic usually means the least favoured child is expected to step up and do the boring work even though they never received any help and are definitely not in the will.

I’m not saying that because of money but they have basically not bothered about whether you are doing ok or not. They don’t really care, so I’d be retuning the favour. Plus nothing in life is free, you dbro has to pay his dues somewhere.

Leave them to it and be glad you won’t be doing elder care, it’s hard.

The explanation is simple: misogyny.

I’m assuming they intend to leave the house to your db so why would they suggest he move out.

My parents were exactly the same. In fact the whole family is like this with their sons. Nit sure if it’s a cultural thing or an age thing tbh.

The same culture also involves marrying off their daughter with a hefty dowry into a family of better financial standing. All this never happened. It was never considered. So they are very western when it comes to me, but totally opposite with DB.

My parents moved here on their own, built everything from zero. They both worked, hard and saved. I was always encouraged to be independent. When I met DH at Uni, they had no issues. Dad paid for the wedding so they could host a huge show off party. DH and I said we could use the money for a deposit but the idea was shot down. So the wedding was not about me, it was about their social standing.

I guess I’m angry and deeply resentful. It’s all exploding now because dad moaned about cost of living crisis.

I am aware that the house + significant private pensions will go to my brother. What I’m perhaps worried is that we will one day be expected to attend a “family meeting” with my brother to discuss sharing care responsibilities. Still worse, I totally expect my brother to tell me : “I looked after them for 30 yrs, it’s now your turn”

Wait for the brothers next trick, he will offer to buy a more affordable 1 bed flat for the parents to move into and he will keep the house 🙄

Parents could say now is time to downsize. Give your brother notice to move.
Or give a five year plan.

If they feel an obligation perhaps help out with a deposit for house for your brother, from sale proceeds.

Also if he is not spending anything, should have sizeable savings-you would hope.

Nice nest egg for you too.
If you give to one, then you must give to the other.

As a pensioner hope to spend our money, as we have earned it. Helped our kids out.

I just don’t understand why you don’t speak to your brother in a nice way and tell him your dad is worrying about money so maybe he should insist that he contributes to the rent or bills a bit more. That seems like an obvious solution!