Parents moaning their pensions are not enough!!

[Bluesky91]

My parents own a large 3 bed semi. They extended it to convert to a huge 5bed house. After I moved out, my brother stayed back. He is not a high earner (teacher). He got married a few years later. His wife works for minimum wage. On their salaries, they will struggle to live on their own - they will have nothing left to save/spend on lifestyle. They have a 4yr old child. They all live with my parents.

Earlier this evening, I was visiting my parents. My mom was out with her exercise group. Brother, SIL and DN went out for dinner. My dad ticked off all of a sudden saying they have no money by 20th of every month and it’s very unfair on pensioners. wtf. My parents have TWO pensions. Just that they chose to pay everything for the house, bills, food, cleaner, car, childcare, DNs activities, etc. DB/SIL spend their income on lifestyle and investments. it’s not NHS/ Govt’s problem. My dad got so mad a me for saying this, he shouted at me saying “do you want us to kick your brother out? How will he live?”

Within means? Like everyone else?

AIBU ?

It's not working! OP's DF is out of money by the end of the month! He's covering living costs for two adults who work and should be paying their own way!

Only on mumsnet is teaching a badly paid job. It’s a very very difficult job with shit working conditions but badly paid no.

They need to live within their means or st the very least pay for their keep. Very few people can afford to buy a big house as first time buyers.

Freeloading fuckers.

Its simple enough. Next time he moans tell him he chooses to let them freeload off him so he either charges them rent or shuts up about it because you're not interested.

Great if you were able. Most people would find this very difficult.

Yep. I suppose it depends where you live, but the teachers I know are all home owners and at a young age!

There was a thread on MN once asking what people considered a decent wage. At the time (a few years ago) there was a decent wage campaign asking for something like £10/h, but the MN answer... 60k!

And then you get some people saying 'MNers aren't wealthy, there's all sorts on here' lmfao.

Yes, that's exactly how this will pan out.

Well, yes and OP is not the boss of them, is she? She can only express her opinion. At the end of the day it's up to the people involved.

Imho multigenerational living is when the grandparents have their own little household within the same property which enables the adult children to keep an eye on them, have some contact with them on a daily basis and support them.

Not when granparents pay and do everything for a family of six spanning three generations.

I am resentful, they never offered me any help !! They let me live in small flats, struggle with a full time stressful corporate job (so we could pay mortgage), take on a big mortgage, get a car on borrowed money, basically let me fly the nest, yet kept my DB, shielding him from normal struggles in life.

Why won’t I be resentful? Would you be delighted in my situation?

To quote Dave Ramsey (an American money expert similar to Martin Lewis here) “Personal finance is 80% behaviour and 20% knowledge”.

Your parents have been subsidising your golden child brother all his adult life. They house him and do his adult chores (shopping, cooking, cleaning and no doubt laundry as well). Your Dad probably knows deep down he should ask your brother and SIL to contribute more to household finances and housework, but can’t bring himself to ask his “golden son” to pay his share but feels he can guilt trip you into subsidising all of them.

You are the scapegoat in all this. If you give your parents some cash to tide them over to the end of this month, but not next month, you’ll be the “bad” person for “stopping” paying. If you tell your brother that his family he needs to step up and contribute more to household finances and chores then you will be the one upsetting their “golden child”. You’ve already “upset” your Dad by pointing out the obvious that pensions are not to pay for working-age adult children to sponge off their parents, that you “want” them to kick your brother out (no - your parents need to do a budget and ask your brother and his wife for a fair contribution to “rent” and household costs)

And to point out the absolutely bleeding obvious most people on 60k plus are managers. If you are an experienced middle manager in teaching or senior manager in teaching you will be on this, and heads of secondaries will often earn the mumsnet holy grail of 6 figures. But just like other jobs you have to climb the greasy pole to get there.

SIL and your brother should be paying their own living costs, so half the bills, half the groceries, all DN childcare costs and some rent. A more accurate complaint would be why the hell are my son and his wife bleeding us dry and have so little respect for us that they don't act like responsible adults and pay for their own family. A place to live is one thing, the rest is taking the piss. Your parents are letting them get away with this. but they' should be ashamed of what theyre doing. Im sure they don't miss the fact your parents run out of money yet their living off 2 pensioners. That's really nasty deeply entitled behaviour.

If the brother was financially contributing then your scenario wouldn’t be a problem. But how does it work in you opinion when ops parents have run out of money before end of month cuz they’ve paid everything for the son ?

What you are missing is that, they can’t afford a 4 bed house, mortgage free, a nice car (with no maintenance to pay), cleaner 3x a week, free live-in childcare (24/7), no bills to pay other than Netflix, their own mobile phones, and an odd take away.
They can’t afford this on their own.

Does sil work

Yanbu

They should be paying their way and helping out in the house

Well, yes, but as you say yourself, they don't need this.
If they lived close to your parents, they'd still get the free childcare.

This is so horrible to read. I'm at an age now with a young family and my mum getting older, and I have 3 relatives who are willing to rip my mum off a every turn. She is so kind and generous and just wants to see people doing well.

It's heartbreaking tbh but I've learned that there's not much I can do or say to change the dynamic.

I have one other sibling who is a kind and decent person and I am afraid that as things were escalating with my siblings (think constant requests for money but not putting any effort in to see my mum), the only thing that has seemed to stem the behaviour is a direct confrontation and it has resulted in people not being on speaking terms.

Honestly though I feel better with the fall out than standing by and saying nothing. Still not sure it's the best approach but these situations are so tricky to navigate.

Op said sil has a minimum wage job.

I think the point OP is making is that this family are clearly never going to sacrifice their lifestyle to live independently and not sponge off their parents.

I think intergenerational living can be a really positive thing. I don't my mum rattling around on her own and she likes our company. But I'm overly aware of not taking advantage. Not everyone sees things this way clearly.

What would happen if your parents needed to go into a home and needed the house money for care?
It is unfair - my sil has everything provided for her by mil. We are ignored. Families are weird!

I get the resentment but more than that i get how well you have done and how proud you should be of yourself.
I dont think you'll change your folks or your brother.
Let them get on with it and try to keep a distance from it all, for your own sake.

Your brother is a teacher. Presumably then, he's not that thick.

He's just a Not-Very-Nice user person

I can be as certain as I can be, they won’t go into care. The house is worth a fortune, they will
manage something, they aren’t stupid to lose that house to care home fees !

Is this a cultural thing, that your brother is treated as a prince?

Because it's bonkers

This is a problem that your parents created. They enabled your DB and DSIL to sponge off them. Your parents need to sort it out with them, and not involve you.