Parents moaning their pensions are not enough!!

[Bluesky91]

My parents own a large 3 bed semi. They extended it to convert to a huge 5bed house. After I moved out, my brother stayed back. He is not a high earner (teacher). He got married a few years later. His wife works for minimum wage. On their salaries, they will struggle to live on their own - they will have nothing left to save/spend on lifestyle. They have a 4yr old child. They all live with my parents.

Earlier this evening, I was visiting my parents. My mom was out with her exercise group. Brother, SIL and DN went out for dinner. My dad ticked off all of a sudden saying they have no money by 20th of every month and it’s very unfair on pensioners. wtf. My parents have TWO pensions. Just that they chose to pay everything for the house, bills, food, cleaner, car, childcare, DNs activities, etc. DB/SIL spend their income on lifestyle and investments. it’s not NHS/ Govt’s problem. My dad got so mad a me for saying this, he shouted at me saying “do you want us to kick your brother out? How will he live?”

Within means? Like everyone else?

AIBU ?

This. I completely understand your frustration, OP, and your resentment about the very unfair way you're being treated. In your shoes, I would explain how you feel to your parents and your brother, perhaps in a letter if you suspect things would get too heated. I would also explain to your father that it's not okay that he offloads onto you, then gets angry when you point out the obvious.

If you don't get any acknowledgement of your feelings about this, then I would reduce contact with all of them, for your own sake. You can't force people to change, but equally you're not obliged to stick around in the whole damn mess.

You parents are facilitating the situation. I would message DB and DSI saying your parent's finances aren't sufficient to run the household and DF is worrying so they need to start to pay their fair share.

I would hazard a guess that even your DB’s and SIL’s income combined is more than your parents combined pensions.

DB and SIL need to pay their fair share of the household expenses

You will never change this situation. You are aware of that. It is a cultural norm and your parents are traditionalists.

You have a couple of choices:

Speak to your brother privately and tell him that your Father is worried about money. Guage his reaction.
Mention that you expect that he too will do the culturally accepted thing and take care of them in their dotage. Guage his reaction.

Learn to accept it and rationalise it by the caring aspect. Under no circumstances become their carer. I would move away first before I would let that happen.

Ah they have significant private pensions, probably loads in the bank as well as the house. Your dad is playing the old age misers trick. It's so common when people age. My husband pulls that moan with regular monotony, both I and our children rib him that he'd better sell his boat in the marina then. That shuts him up.

You're parents are not skint so stop worrying. My SIL is Indian she was told that properties back home would be hers when her father died. Well he did suddenly very young. Her brother and uncles ensured that she got nothing. She tried as a solicitor herself to get hold of the will, no luck. The embassy colluded with the men in her family and her mother. She gave up in the end

@Bluesky91 my advice go live your best life you're not going to see a penny.

Do you brother and SIL have no self-respect?

I don't think it is fair to call someone a miser when he is providing a free home and food for 2 adults and a child. That seems pretty generous to me.

No but the OP had said that there is no way they would go into care. So taking that at face value, that's why I posted.

They will clearly sacrifice themselves into poverty

@Bluesky91 yes it’s very hard indeed and you’re right to worry that the care responsibilities will fall to you given their “pick and mix” approach to tradition. Your experience is not at all unusual sadly.

I would therefore change my response to them all to be a lighthearted “it’s pre-payment for the care you’ll give when the parents are old” joke to your DB/SIL or “At least you’ll have the best of care from DB/SIL in return for your support now” to your parents. Make it clear now that this will have nothing to do with you but wake them up a bit. Your parents are delusional if they think this guarantees a nice old age.

Bear in mind that you don't have to attend any such meeting, and you can tell your brother 'no, that's not happening'. Start practising saying no if you aren't used to it.

They all identify as one household. If anything, DB and SIL are proud they are not ‘abandoning parents’.

Re care, my experience of this is that the council know how this works and that the daughter-in-law won’t provide intimate care for a non blood related family member. Then they send in carers to do it so the old person can stay in the family unit which is cheaper than the nursing care route.
It’s a sweet deal for these sons/daughter-in-laws.

I was reading your posts and suspected that what you have now written was the case. Are you Indian family?
It reminds me of my own family, where the one son has been hugely favoured by the Asian parent and the other parent has just gone along with it, although ours is definitely less extreme.
Your parents and brother have been incredibly unfair to you and it is completely normal and understandable that you feel resentful. As someone else said, your brother is the golden child and you are the scapegoat in this situation. Have a look at children of narcissistic parents and perhaps consider some counselling. It could be really useful for you as it would help to establish boundaries for 10/20 years hence when your parents need care and assistance. Please, please don't get involved with the care when you have been scapegoated and sidelined and your brother given the world. Referring back to my own situation, I have already decided that my brother will need to take very much the lead role when my parents need assistance. This is only fair and appropriate given the relationship breakdowns caused by the favouritism and lack of interest in other children and grandchildren.

It's the pleading poverty that's eye rolling and upsetting if you let it be . The generosity only applies to golden balls as well.

How you feel is completely normal and understandable in this situation. It sounds like your parents have a golden child, your brother and a scapegoat, you. How your parents treat you is not ok, its not a normal loving relationship between you and them. Its hard and harmful to go through. There's a long running thread in relationships called "but we took you to stately homes", which is for people who's family have scapegoated them. You might find it helpful.

Are you worried they will leave the house to your brother?

Cut out playing the 'middle man' role - tell both your brother and sil what your father has said to you. Decline to make it your problem.

This. Grey Rock. They can't moan at you and yet refuse to change a situation that you are not responsible for.

I second the comment made by EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness, this sounds like a typical Golden Child/Scapegoat scenario.

Your Dad may increasingly find opportunities to provoke you into responding, to try to get you to bad mouth your brother. Don't get involved, and brace yourself for the future. You may be written out of the will, or be left some insulting token.

I haven't voted but think you should stay out of the middle of this one and either ignore your father's explosions or change the subject.

This. You need to not get drawn into these sorts of discussions. Your parents have enough to plan for their own elderly care and they should be doing that now. But they're not, and that's their choice. and choices have consequences.

Also, if your father ever moans again about not having enough money, you need to learn to 'grey rock'. Look up grey rock techniques and use these to not get drawn into those conversations. It's outrageous that Your brother gets to live off your parents while you have the pleasure of having to listen to your dad venting about the situation. No way. Get angry. If your dad doesn't want your opinion on the situation, he needs to not complain to you.

I agree with you OP. Your brother is a free loader and to my mind he’s using his four year old as a means to keep this lifestyle going.
But there’s nothing YOU can do to change your dad’s mind. He has to realise this himself..
Next time your dad complains to you about having no money tell him you don’t want to know, he knows where the problem lies, two fully grown adults of working age are sponging off two pensioners. So what is HE going to do about it?

What would happen if you pointed this out to your parents? TBH though with their cultural views I’m not sure you will change them.

I would be telling them now though that you won’t be their carer.

So your parents funding their lifestyle etc?
That's bonkers.

There are two separate issues here.

One is the set up between your parents and your brother. Ultimately your parents are choosing this and your brother is happy to live off them. Maybe he doesn’t know that their money isn’t reaching as far these days - I would make that clear to him then step away. Once everyone is in possession of the facts they can make their bed and lie in it. You need to grey rock them after that and comments about lack of funds should be met with a neutral response.

The other issue is the disparity between how you were treated compared to your brother. You’ve clearly been left to struggle at times when your brother has been handed everything on a plate, and that would stick in my craw too. But on the flip side, what you have is yours through your/your DH’s hard work. Take pride in that and hold your head high. Look at where you are compared to your freeloading coddled brother!

You now need to think about how you manage your family relationships in future. You aren’t going to change them, or the past. Let them get on with their choices and rise above comments about their financial situation. Life your life knowing that you are free of the expectations they have of your brother to always be shackled to them, whether he wants it or not - let’s face it, there’s not much self respect in his situation. And think about having a response ready to go when/if there is ever a point raised about you being involved more when it suits them, in order to shut that down from the outset.