Parents moaning their pensions are not enough!!

[Bluesky91]

My parents own a large 3 bed semi. They extended it to convert to a huge 5bed house. After I moved out, my brother stayed back. He is not a high earner (teacher). He got married a few years later. His wife works for minimum wage. On their salaries, they will struggle to live on their own - they will have nothing left to save/spend on lifestyle. They have a 4yr old child. They all live with my parents.

Earlier this evening, I was visiting my parents. My mom was out with her exercise group. Brother, SIL and DN went out for dinner. My dad ticked off all of a sudden saying they have no money by 20th of every month and it’s very unfair on pensioners. wtf. My parents have TWO pensions. Just that they chose to pay everything for the house, bills, food, cleaner, car, childcare, DNs activities, etc. DB/SIL spend their income on lifestyle and investments. it’s not NHS/ Govt’s problem. My dad got so mad a me for saying this, he shouted at me saying “do you want us to kick your brother out? How will he live?”

Within means? Like everyone else?

AIBU ?

Exactly

So you should. If he’s that nice he might be mortified.

There's nothing you can do about a golden child. My friends have a son like this. He and his wife both teachers complain continuously about poverty. They can't afford xyz. Son is a deputy headteacher at a huge secondary school, wife working part time.

Friend inherited some money and property so the whining was ramped up. They're now giving them money. I have to zip my lips because their other son married with two children continue to live within their means and are hardly mentioned. All the hand wringing is over this younger brothers financial struggles. Apparently they need a bigger house now 🙄

Pensions, like wages, can vary a huge amount. Costs can also vary.🤷‍♀️

They basically have a favourite and need to justify the difference in treatment somehow.

Sounds to me like your brother and his family are financially abusing your parents. Teachers are not badly paid at all.

You also sound bitter, angry and envious which is not a healthy way to be.

Or dear old daddy was hoping that OP would offer up HER money to get them through the month so their LWS, his DW and DD can live a lifestyle they could ill afford in the real world.

No wonder your db is so entitled when his dp have been enabling him all his life.

I think pretty much everyone can see how U your df is to blame his financial situation on the gov, but I doubt very much he will ever admit it's down to his poor choices

It’s also typical that he seems resentful of you rather than the giant cost centre that is your brother. Can’t be horrible about the golden child, has to be the other ones fault somehow, don’t know how but definitely her fault. As you can tell, I was the black sheep 😑.

@Bluesky91 be prepared, in the future, to have no inheritance! it will ALL go to your brother, including the house!!!!!

Or maybe she simply means if he isn’t paying for any expenses at all the db thinks he doesn’t earn enough? Although with a combined income of at least 50k he obviously is and wants to keep his champagne lifestyle without working or paying for it!

@Bluesky91 In the country where I used to live this was very much the norm, even with big banking jobs or whatever, the son stays in the family home with his wife, daughters off elsewhere. If everyone is happy (bar your dad..!) then I'd leave it.

Definitely worth pointing out to your DB that he should be saving enough to buy you out of your half of your parent's property when it comes to it though...! And I think you should be clear with everyone on that point. My DB is always blithering on about living in my parents home when they no longer are (beautiful location 💕) - me and my sisters always show him the current market value and remind him to get saving 😂😂😂

@Bluesky91 i think your father is angling for a bit of financial help to subsidise their (dp's as well as db's and dsil's) way of living

Then your parents will have to just cope with being skint all the time while their DS and family are probably saving thousands each year. This is their problem not yours and if parents aren’t willing to change anything they have to just suck it up unfortunately.
Does DB know how stretched his parents are? If not just tell him and wife and if he offers to pay something each month great, if he doesn’t it’s even clearer that he’s just a freeloader.

I’m a solo mum to twins and a teacher. Property prices were extremely expensive where I lived when my two were born (London) so I moved to Kent. I’m only 45 mins from my family and friends in London (plus I’ve made lots of lovely friends in Kent, & one family member actually followed suit about five years ago and also moved here). I am entirely financially independent with a three bed house and a lovely little garden. If I can manage it with two kids and one salary, your brother and his wife can manage it.

My thoughts exactly! Other teachers manage to live, pay their bills and have children, what's so different about this couple (unless they're squirrelling it away, which I strongly suspect is the case here)?

OP, has the brother's wife tried to get a job that pays more than minimum wage? Have you tried pointing out that it's your brother's responsibility to provide for his wife and child, not the responsibility of your parents? How can your brother have any pride, to allow this arrangement to continue indefinitely - it doesn't say much for him, does it?

No sympathy for your parents, I'm afraid. If they allow themselves to be used, then they will be. Your brother and his wife sound entitled and lazy.

Does your dad think you should be giving them money? That’s what it sounds like to me.

@Bluesky91 your thread really resonated with me. My DB has always lived with my parents, now my DM since my DF passed. He has always worked (low pay but full time) and never paid rent, rarely cooked or cleaned. For a long time I was so angry about it that I was basically NC with my DB because I felt that he was taking advantage of my parents. My parents didn't ever want to insist on rent because DB has some undiagnosed MH issues, they didn't think he could look after himself and they didn't want him to feel 'unwelcome'. After some years I had to let it go because I realised it was just affecting my relationship with my parents. These days DB does pay for some bills on the house on an ad hoc basis and helps a bit with house jobs and gardening. DM likes to tell me whenever DB does something like I should be proud of him...🙄

I still worry about what will happen when my DM passes. DB will have to stand on his own 2 feet and what will happen with the house? Will I have to evict him? Ultimately I don't think my parents have actually been kind to DB because he is in many ways ill equipped to deal with the world on his own.

So no advice, just solidarity.

You won't have to evict him if he inherits as my friends brother has. Problem is that he's in his sixties now and really can't afford it but that's because he's rarely worked. It's a tip already 🙈

I can try, but I think he’ll tell me he is paying for Netflix, a takeaway or DNs clothes 😂

If they were to sign the house over to him in return for future care but their future needs could not be met in a home situation then your brother could find himself forced to sell up and stand on his own two feet!

I would be mean enough to enjoy that situation!

Multi generational living is not uncommon and becoming a necessary thing with property prices and rents so high. You sound jealous that you are not involved. Many people moan about pensions, salaries, tax and the cost of living. Why you are so determined to break up a solution that works for 5 people is beyond me.

South Asian multi-generational households have been mentioned on this thread. I think they work fine and make a lot of sense when young adults are in their early twenties and parents are still healthy, but from my own observations, I think they have the same problems when children grow into mid-adulthood and different career or financial choices begin to ‘tell’.

In my immediate connections I have seen one complete family breakdown, around the time of the death of the remaining parent.
One of the children’s families now looks set to go the same way. In both cases, it hinges on one child being treated far more generously than others, on the basis that they ‘needed’ support, but the others eventually turning around and saying ‘hang on a minute’.

Not only can most teachers live independently, most are even home owners. Something's not making sense.
Your brother and family should get their own place and your parents should downsize to a smaller place nearby.

Dad has inferred it’s not working though. With his moans of not having money left on the 20th of each month, as he’s subsidising his able bodied and working age son / DIL