To feel uncomfortable about her interest in my son

[Whatafustercluck]

Ds is 13. He has this friend, also 13, who is polite enough but is a bit cocky, a bit 'streetwise'. His mum seemed lovely when we met her, and ds speaks highly of her. He's become pretty obsessed with this one friend, to the exclusion of other friends, and has spent a fair bit of time with him over Easter (sleepovers, fishing, cinema etc). He lives about a 30 minute drive away. His mum has said that ds is good for her son, and she's been very encouraging of the friendship. She goes out of her way to collect/ drop off ds at home when we said he couldn't go because it was inconvenient for whatever reason (for example, a mid week one hour round trip just so ds can have dinner there seemed a bit much, but she always comes back with "I'll bring him home" so in ds's eyes there's no reason for us to say no). The father is on the scene, but we don't know much about him, and ds doesn't speak much about him, but says he's 'alright'.

My problem is that it feels like this boy's mother is now massively overstepping the mark, but I can't work out whether I'm being unreasonable and overly jealous/ protective. She messages my son, directly, a lot. She invites him over to theirs, gets him excited by promising to take him fishing or whatever, and then I end up being the one who spoils it all in my son's eyes if I say no. She always asks me/ dh directly in the end, but only after I've spoken to ds about not making arrangements we don't know about and pointed out that things like that should be arranged parent to parent.

I get Mondays and Fridays off work, so had wanted to do something with ds and 7yo dd this Friday as the weather is good. She's been messaging him asking him if he wants to go over, go fishing, stay for dinner. Dh overheard ds in his bedroom discussing it with her. Of course, after that was put in his head, ds had no desire to spend the day with me and his little sister, and who could blame him? I know that friendships are important and I don't want to stand in the way of that. But he's still part of our family, and I want to do things together.

I looked at his phone last night. This isn't an invasion of privacy, ds knows that I spot check and it's a condition of him having a phone. There are no messages or communication between him and his friend. All the banter and arrangements are between him and his friend's mum. She's clearly one of these mums who likes to be seen as a 'friend' (by both her own son and his friends) rather than a mum. A few of the messages contain swearing, in a bantering way. There's a message on there in which ds lies to her about telling me to fuck off (he's never said that to me, so I can only assume he was trying to sound cool).

Everything about these interactions makes me feel increasingly uncomfortable. I remarked to dh yesterday that it almost feels like grooming, with us and our rules being undermined by her (she encourages him to go on his xbox with this friend straight after school, even though ours rules are homework first, then an hour of xbox). That sounds dramatic when I read it back (grooming) but it's how I feel, and dh agreed. I'm starting to think we need to take a firmer line on this.

Aibu to feel this is inappropriate, or am I being over protective and prudish? I'd never make plans with another person's child directly with them, and I said to dh that if this was a man doing this with a 13yo girl, it would be deemed grossly inappropriate.

She maybe just an over enthusiastic mum who sees your ds as a good influence, but something is definitely off.

The exclusion of other friends sounds a bit worrying, controlling?

The dinner is a bit odd. In future, refuse the offer. I can see that you didn’t want to be seen as bad cop, but in future you need to take this stance. Fortunately, it may be easier when school is back and it’s ’a school night’. Also, stick to your Xbox rules etc.

From now on, no trips unless arrangements have been made directly between parents, and if you have something else on, then your family take priority.

Maybe ds is slightly wowed by this other life, and thus mum has become Disney mum, but listen to your gut and take note. Also, maybe it’s a bit of teen hormones kicking in when hes realising there’s a bigger, wider world out there.

Good idea.

I'd speak to her directly and explain the obvious - if she offers your son an exciting day without checking with you first it causes conflict when you want him to have that time with you. If she's just clueless she'll realise what a pain she's been.

Also have a chat with your ds about appropriate boundaries and what grooming can look like! He should be aware that adults shouldn't be texting 13-year-olds directly.

Really inappropriate. Best case scenario , she's just keen for her son to have this friendship and getting a bit carried away. Worst case scenario really bad as you know. I'd begin by trying to put a stop to it politely, say arrangements have to go through you. If that doesn't work you'll have to get firm. You could block her number on his phone. Does your DS have other friends? My instinct would be to try and phase this one out. If they're in school together and you can't get her to back off then get the school involved.

Definitely off.

That is so WEIRD!!! I'd be putting an end to that asap.

After the first paragraph, I was ready to say that she's probably just not bothered by the drive and that it sounds nice that she's so invested in her son having a good friend etc but that changed the further I read!

It's totally inappropriate for her to be texting him in my opinion and she shouldn't be undermining your parenting and telling him to go on his xbox when you've said no. You for sure need to find some boundaries and some distance from this lady. It's weird for sure OP, trust your gut.

It's obviously not clear what her motivations are, but surely she should have some sense of how it might be viewed to communicate like that with a 13 year old you're not related to.

I have 2 DS 17 and 20 and I have never messaged more than "Do you know where DS is?" to any of their friends, some of whom I've known since they were born. In fact, that's the only reason I have their number.

Agree with this. Its really odd and inappropriate and even if her intentions are ok, its very concerning she doesnt recognise this.

I would tell her this has to stop and that all arrangements are now to go through you. If she doesnt respect the boundary you put in place then thats a huge red flag that her intentions are dodgy. I agree with you too- if your son was a daughter and this was a dad messaging her literally everyone would be raising a concern. Its no different just because she's female.

Your OP gave me the creeps. You need to act on this.

Definitely not ok and I would be speaking with this mother and informing her she is not to message your DS again.

She is to speak and make arrangements directly through you.

I'd also tel your DS that if she messages him and he doesn't tell you, he'll lose his phone and the friendship.

When she drops him home, does the friend come along in the car or is it just your DS and the mum?

Very weird. I don't have any of my sons friends numbers and they all make arrangements themselves. You need to tell her to stop maybe have the kids at yours for a bit if that's possible

How about something along the lines of -
‘Hi, X’s Mum. Just to say, I regularly check ds’s phone (with his knowledge) and can’t help noticing the number of messages between you. I think at their age, it’s better that the boys communicate with each other, rather than with friends’ parents, don’t you? Your latest invitation to ds has somewhat ridden roughshod over family plans we already had.

Sorry to be blunt, but in future, I’d rather we left it to them to discuss getting together if they want, and to check with their own parents when would be convenient. Happy to then discuss the logistics with you, of course, but there’s a danger of things getting lost in translation, if you’re making plans directly with ds. I’m sure you understand! Best wishes…’

I have got a friend who messages my dd directly - she has known her since she was a baby and the messages aren't anywhere as near rwgulqr or as bad as these ones op but l would never in a million years message her child because there is no need to. Would be really awkward to say to my friend can you stop cos l think her intentions are innocent so l have told dd to leave them on unread.
I would def say to this mum it all needs to go through you.

It's still pretty much the norm where we are. Some of the kids don't have phones.

And of course some kids with SEN prefer their parents to facilitate.

But yes yanbu OP.

It sounds like grooming OP. If your DS was your DD and this adult was a man, how would you feel? It's exactly the same-he is a child and is spending extended periods of time alone with an adult who is basically a stranger to you, who is overriding your duties as a parent, and who has a direct line of communication with your child.

I would sit him down and explain what grooming is, take his phone away for a few days to let the dust settle, and would meanwhile read her the riot act and tell her if she contacts my son again you'll be reporting her to the police.

Weird af. Ask her not to message your son directly. Hopefully, that alone will mean she steps back a bit. You can say that he gets excited about things when you have other plans. Or, if he's only 13 you could change the phone number.

I'm always wary of parents who say their child benefits from my child in some way - they usually turn out to be nightmares.

I'd try and encourage other friendships as this is a bit 'love bomby' and will likely turn sour.

This. If she has an issue with this, there's your answer.

Be prepared you will come across as the paranoid mother when you speak to her (and your son) but don’t let that bother you. She may laugh off your concerns and/or belittle them, but stay strong. She will portray herself as the friendly, outgoing mum, friend to all, totally harmless etc. Don’t let her persuade you with her ‘reasonable’ explanations.

Very strange, you definitely need to put a stop to it. However it’s your son’s friendship and he hasn’t done anything wrong so first you need to talk to him about why it’s not appropriate for her to text him directly and tell him you’re going to block her/talk to her. Then tell her just how inappropriate she’s being.

Yes, it's inappropriate. The mother may have the best of intentions to help her son secure and maintain a friendship with a nice boy like your DS, but her behaviour is crossing a line, and clearly appropriate boundaries are being breeched. In your position I'd grasp the nettle, contact this mum and tell her that straight. That you don't feel her contact with your son is healthy for him (use the lie to impress her example if necessary) and you feel your family life is being effected by the frequency of his visits; so you're going to have to call a halt to that and the visits for now. You could add that her DS is welcome at yours. If she's genuine about their friendship she should agree to that.

Maybe she’s one of those who wants to be friends with her ds and by extension his friends.
Maybe she thinks your ds will be a good influence on her ds ( forgetting your ds is a good kid because of his upbringing and boundaries that she is currently doing her best to trample all over).
Or maybe it’s more sinister and she actually is grooming him.
Phone her, tell her not to contact your son directly because it sometimes clashes with plans you have made. Tell her it’s homework first then x box. I think her reaction to these perfectly reasonable requests will tell you all you need to know.

Sinister or not, it sounds an unhealthy dynamic. It doesn't need to be "that bad" to be worrying, so don't feel like it's a choice between accusing and ignoring.

I would certainly approach it as an area for concern and trust your instincts.

Trust your gut your his mum.
Your message made me feel more and more uncomfortable as I read through it .
Sorry to sound a bit harsh but perhaps have a planned talk with your dh and agree next steps together. The whole things sounds unhealthy and your ds is at a vulnerable age too.
I'd be inclined to have his friend over to your house only, for 6 weeks or so maybe. Keep an eye on the actual friendship to see if the whole thing potentially is more about the friends mum. Make it clear to her that you'd prefer arrangements to be made directly with you ... no apologies / no excuses or reasons why. Your the parent.
A mothers instinct is usually very naturally there for a reason.
Take care op .

This. If she has an issue with this, there's your answer

Yep- her reaction to this will reveal all you need to know. It will be very telling.