Wedding rings and DD/DSD

[TheCheekyKob]

I recently had my wedding/Engagement & eternity ring valued at a jewellers for insurance purposes.

A discussion happened after and I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable.

I made a passing comment that it was nice they were valued at more then what we realised but it didn’t really matter as I wouldn’t ever sale them and plan to pass them down to our daughter anyway eventually.

DH was confused and presumed I would pass one to his DSD and I corrected him and said no, I planned to pass all 3 to our daughter as they are my rings. We had a minor ding dong about it in which he said he didn’t think it was fair and as he paid for them he should get to decide where they go after.

I completely disagree with this as yes he may have bought them but he gave them to me! They are the rings that signify our relationship and DSD would probably flog is straight away to get a few quid.

Just for background proposes DH and DSD mum were never married or engaged.

So should I be sharing the rings?

Just tell him you've sorted it and it's all in your will and then set it up how you want it. He's statistically unlikely to be around when it comes to it anyway.

But only the younger DD would be the product of the marriage. By OP’s reasoning the older DD would flog the rings for few pounds as they don’t have any sentimental value because the marriage isn’t to her father.

She could inherit a gift from OP - someone who came into her family as a child and is supposed to care for her. The only reason OP wouldn’t leave any gift in her will is if she didn’t want to. There’s no law against a SP leaving something to a SC.

Made sense to me. Have a re-read…slower this time.

Nope.

Funnily enough I wasn’t under the impression that she was legally restricted from doing so. Caring for someone doesn’t mean you’re going to be make them a beneficiary of your will.

it would of course be fine is she wanted to leave her stepdaughter something. It’s equally fine that she doesn’t.

I completely disagree and believe that it is 100% possible to love a child that isn’t yours like your own. But it takes all sorts.

Don't confuse insurance value with resale value. Go back into that same jeweller and ask what he'll give you for them. You will be shocked at the difference.

Unless your jewellery is by a famous maker, I'm afraid it just doesn't hold its value. Have a look on google to see what similar rings are selling for to get an idea of the true value.

I bought an 18ct gold diamond ring the other day for £80 which was a small premium over its scrap value. The value was in the gold.

This isn’t about the rings nor their value - be it financial or otherwise. The underlying thing is that you feel differently about his daughter as to how he does. That’s absolutely fine, not all stepparents and stepchildren have a close bond as if it’s biological. I’m just wondering if it’s the way in which you communicated the “the rings are for our joint DD” discussion.

They are unlikely to be important to your step daughter though. That’s the point. I’m agreeing with you.

However, she should inherit something of a similar monetary value.

As evidenced by the "my partner treated my DC like his own and now doesn't want to see them after we split up" threads on here time and time again

um tbf plenty of men don’t bother to see their own children after splitting up with mum- there are any number of threads lamenting those situations too. Do we conclude therefore that it’s a ridiculous expectation that all men love their children, and that those who claim to, probably don’t?

No, because it's natural to love your own children.

That's why men who abandon their own children are rightly deemed shit but practically 100% of posters. Whereas people are far more torn when a step father (or mother) doesn't want to see their step children again after a split with plenty, most probably, of posters agreeing it's just what happens and they would do the same.

If you want to pretend there is absolutely no difference between men abandoning their literal own children compared to the children of their ex partner with someone else then go ahead. But it's a pretty stupid comparison.

Actually yes, in sadly too many cases.

Deemed shit BY not but!

I quite believe it does happen in the right circumstances and given enough time.
Again, not what my post was about.
It's the expectation that it absolutely should be this way or an adult romantic relationship shouldn't be allowed to happen that I don't agree with.
I'd view any future post divorce partner who guaranteed early on in our relationship to love my children the same as his own kids with deep suspicion to be perfectly honest.
How can anyone possibly reasonably expect or guarantee this outcome?
The relationships should just be allowed to develop and be what they are without this ridiculous pressure IMO, and as long as the kids are treated kindly and respectfully that's all you can absolutely expect or demand as a condition of the relationship continuing.

Of course its possible. I said in my own post it's possible.

But I'd imagine it's not the norm in blended families nor do I believe its a reasonable expectation to have of someone who isn't your child's parent.

I think it comes down to everyone having expectations based on their own experiences.

I’m fine with families who don’t have that expectation doing what works for them as long as it doesn’t impact the child. This is where it bothers me, because my experience, both as a wife, stepmum and teacher, is that when a step parent (or biological parent for that matter) doesn’t treat all children of the family equally, kids often feel left out, neglected, “different” and not like a real part of the family. This impacts on behaviour, relationships, emotional and psychological health, and the impact often lasts well into adulthood.

Treating and feeling are different things though. I'm sure it's possible to treat your SC the same without feeling the same.

Whether or not you should treat SC the same is something else entirely and something again not everyone agrees on!

Exactly

This is where we differ because I believe the feelings show even when kids are not being treated “badly”. Over a decade of teaching primary age children has shown me that young kids are smarter and more perceptive than many of us adults believe. They pick up on tiny nuances and it can impact them forever.

There's a bigger issue at play if a person who isn't your mum not behaving like your mum (when you have your own mum anyway) leads to a lifetime of therapy. And it's unlikely to be because they weren't given a diamond ring.
There's a big wide ocean between not appropriating another woman's child and ostracizing said child from the family unit

The problem is it’s difficult to separate the two. Feelings and behaviour both feed into each other. And how we choose to think about situations plays a role too. This is literally the whole theoretical basis on which CBT is based which is very well evidenced. If you are the type of step parent who is determined to think about and behave a certain way towards your step child , your feelings are well likely to follow from that. Especially over the long term.

There's a bigger issue at play if a person who isn't your mum not behaving like your mum (when you have your own mum anyway) leads to a lifetime of therapy

bullshit.

There are those stepchildren that don’t expect their stepparent to love them equally to their biological children, as they don’t love their stepparent equally to their parent. What is perceived as a negative to one child won’t be to another who doesn’t expect/isn’t led to expect a blended family to fit the mould of a nuclear one.

Ultimately though the onus is on the parent to not create a blended family if this scenario is to be avoided. As another poster said upthread, ‘my ex said he loved my children as his own but he’s dropped them now that we’ve split up’ threads aren’t unusual.

The breakdown of their original family is well established to be traumatic for children, yet children are expected to accept and adapt to it. Stepparents don’t have a greater responsibility for their stepchildren than their actual parents do, yet a lot of people seem to expect them to have greater consideration.

How do you know she would sell it? My dsd is very sentimental about things and I'm pretty sure if I left her something she would treasure it. Just because they aren't a blood relation doesn't mean they don't understand significance. With 3 I would leave one to the dsd.