Wedding rings and DD/DSD

[TheCheekyKob]

I recently had my wedding/Engagement & eternity ring valued at a jewellers for insurance purposes.

A discussion happened after and I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable.

I made a passing comment that it was nice they were valued at more then what we realised but it didn’t really matter as I wouldn’t ever sale them and plan to pass them down to our daughter anyway eventually.

DH was confused and presumed I would pass one to his DSD and I corrected him and said no, I planned to pass all 3 to our daughter as they are my rings. We had a minor ding dong about it in which he said he didn’t think it was fair and as he paid for them he should get to decide where they go after.

I completely disagree with this as yes he may have bought them but he gave them to me! They are the rings that signify our relationship and DSD would probably flog is straight away to get a few quid.

Just for background proposes DH and DSD mum were never married or engaged.

So should I be sharing the rings?

When you are long gone your dd will have those ringers to remember you by. To your SD they won't have any near significance to her as it would to your dd. Stand your ground on this.

100% agree. When I met my DH he was crystal clear that due to his horrible experience with a stepparent and being treated so differently from her bio child, he wanted different for his daughter. Her Mum had similar expectations for her stepdad when she remarried shortly after I married DH. It works for us. It can’t be demanded, some people value DNA above all else, and that’s ok. Not all of us feel that way though.

I agree with this. Can't you at least give her one?

I think you’ve learned that you need to write a will leaving the rings to your DD, and if you know it’s coming then you need to give them to her. Because if your DH gets his hands on the rings your DD won’t get them!

Honestly I wouldn’t argue about it. Drop the subject and just quietly give the rings to DD when the time comes. DSD can inherit rings (or cash or other items) from her own mother.

Because children don't get a choice, obviously. The idea isn't that step parents should love their step kids as much as their own kids, it's that if they are not genuinely committed to being an active and genuine adult family member to the kids they shouldn't marry the kids' parent. It's a wildly unpopular opinion on here, but I really do think that 90% of second families are bad for existing children. If you really must remarry, don't have children with new husband.

Umm No. The rings are not assets of the family. They are my personal belongings.

He paid for them and GAVE them to me. They are mine.

Why did you even start the thread if you didn’t want opinions? You sound pretty set in your decision.

The idea often presented is that stepparents should consider their stepchildren indistinguishable from their own, and take one the role of a third parent.

No, the kids don’t get a choice, but then kids don’t get a choice when their parents split up either.

The idea as to what the role of an ‘adult family member’ entails varies wildly from person to person, hence why it’s up to the parents to make their expectations clear before they enter into a new relationship.

Presumably she’s interested in what other people think, rather than she’s looking to be instructed.

Being interested in other opinions doesn’t mean you’re not confident in your own, or that you’re required to change it. It also doesn’t mean that you can’t disagree with any opinions offered, and say so.

They are your rings and no one else gets a say. I would just let the subject drop now, and do what you want when the time comes. But, fwiw, I think it would be bizarre for you to give one to a stepdaughter.

My ring is going to my daughter. If I had a step-daughter this wouldn't change no matter how much I loved her.

No, PP specifically said people should feel for step kids the same as they do for their own kids, which is the point my post was addressing.
I'm definitely a parental type person in my DSD life to a certain extent, but I don't pretend she's my daughter and she doesn't pretend I'm her mum and it's all fine.
My DH was the step child whose "new" daddy and grandparents and aunts and uncles disappeared like the entirely unrelated people they were when his mum split from his half sibs father. He didn't want that for his daughter, she has her own family relationships and no need to carry on as if me and my family are exactly the same.
She's still included and thought of as a member of the family, by me and all my family alike. Just none of this "like my own" stuff.

I wouldn't want my step mums rings.... that's weird. Your husband is weird.

I think this is more him thinking you're rejecting the DSD

They're your rings. Give them to your own dd. Dsd can have something of her dads of sentiment value.

You do know women are allowed to own and wear rings even if not married? She may have her own mums or other female relatives jewellery to pass down as well.

i don’t see why dsd would want her step mum’s wedding/engagement rings anyway. It had never occurred to me that dsd would want or care about any of my jewellery.

Perfect solution, problem solved

Yes. I’m well aware of that but I’m specifically talking about wedding rings in this conversation. Maybe you missed that.

Did that make sense in your head?

But why are wedding rings specifically important?

Im not married, I have a daughter. She’ll inherit plenty of rings ✨ she wouldn’t want her dads new partners rings as she would have plenty already when I die. And lots of other jewellery.

Wedding jewellery is only really sentimental to the person in the wedding. I don’t even know which of my mums rings is her engagement ring, and she’s had a few wedding bands (all from the same husband I hasten to add) - I’m more interested in the lovely baguette diamond one she treated herself to tbh!

Amen to that.

Isn’t that exactly what the OP said I the first place?

Lots of step children absolutely do love their step parents like they would a bio parent.
The reason the “expectation” isn’t there for the kids, is because the children had no choice about the situation. Children (especially younger ones) are relatively naive, vulnerable, insecure and prone to giving their love more freely than adults; they are still developing their sense of self, how to navigate relationships and finding their place in the world. This is why the onus is on the step parent to offer that love and care and model to them that they are an equally valued and valuable member of the family in which they had no choice but to find themselves.

Also relationships between parents/ children are always lopsided. Thats the nature of being an adult.

It's a ridiculous expectation and I strongly suspect a lot of people who claim to do so actually don't. As evidenced by the "my partner treated my DC like his own and now doesn't want to see them after we split up" threads on here time and time again.

I'm sure some do but I imagine they are in the huge minority and I suspect in most of those cases the other parent is absent most, if not all, of the time and they met the child very, very young.

It's not cruel, mean, exclusionary or whatever else to not love someone else's child like your own children. It's completely natural.

Regardless if the unmarried people are trying to prove a point that they own rings too. This thread is about wedding rings and it’s pretty obvious why they may be important.