This can't be normal!!!!!??

[Thempolsoltch]

I'm an only child and got married 10 months ago. I just turned 30. My husband and I originally planned to ttc straight away, but nothing was happening and around 4 months into the marriage DH said he wanted to wait a little longer for financial reasons. We stopped ttc for 3 months then decided not to waste time and started ttc again.

So my mum and I aren't close and we have had a weird relationship since I was a teen. Shortly after we got married, she said she wanted to know 'where she stood' in terms of my plans to have a family. I told her, at the time, that we were planning to ttc. I didn't tell her when we decided to put a pause button on it as it just seemed a bit tmi but may have mentioned some things that hinted at it. I didn't tell her that we had started ttc again either. I've kept everything vague.

Anyway to add another level of complications, an amazing job opportunity came up on the other side of the country. My current contract is coming to an end so it seemed sensible to look elsewhere. As ttc was up in the air/nothing happening, I decided to go for the new job. I didn't want life to pass me by while ttc and so decided to just keep going with career and baby plans until something happened and deal with it as and when. I got the job and we are moving next month.

My mum has taken that to mean that we've sropped ttc so I can pursue my career and when i told her that 'nothing is happening (ie not getting pregnant)' she snapped at me that 'of course nothing is happening if youre preventing a pregnancy'. I didn't put her straight as it just felt too invasive and i felt shocked at what she said and how annoyed she had seemed. She went to bed in the middle of the afternoon and stayed there all night.

She has basically gone really cold and funny ever since, and has been acting like I've done something wrong, being very quiet and stand offish. I didn't want an argument and assumed I was imagining things so didn't say anything. She gets very defensive so I have to choose my words carefully.

Anyway, recently my dad told me that my cousin who I hardly know but got married a few months before me, was pregnant with her first. He said I couldn't tell mum as it would upset her too much, as I wasn't pregnant yet. He said she is really down about it. I couldn't believe what I was hearing but it all adds up. I think my mum is actually angry with me and really upset for what she thinks is me trying not to get pregnant.

This surely isn't normal? I just don't want to get into my fertility etc with her and I also think its just none of her business. Does she have a right to know the ins and outs of our family planning decisions? Is it courtesy to let potential grandparents know what your intentions are? I feel like she is overstepping by expecting this but not sure if maybe I am being unfair and I shouldn't keep her in limbo? I feel like I'll tell her when I'm ready but feel really reluctant to open up to her about anything at the minute.

This probably makes no sense but I'm very tired so thank you if you got this far!

@Thempolsoltch

Does she have a right to know the ins and outs of our family planning decisions? Is it courtesy to let potential grandparents know what your intentions are? I feel like she is overstepping by expecting this but not sure if maybe I am being unfair and I shouldn't keep her in limbo?

It's absolutely none of anybody's business other than you, your partner/DH and, as appropriate, your medical team. Nobody, including your mother, even if she was extremely close to you, has a right to know if/when you're planning to procreate or anything about it.

You and your partner are both adults and capable of making plans which suit the two of you.

Take that job and move (further away?) and ignore any emotional interference or flouncing.

When you do get pregnant/give birth, ensure you and your partner have strong boundaries about how involved she is. If she's like this now, asking "where she stands" she's unlikely to get better (probably the reverse) in the future. There is no such thing as grandmother's rights, which she may be hinting at. 🌹

@Thempolsoltch

If your dm thinks she raised you right then she shouldn’t feel the need to interfere in your adult decisions.

Personally I would firmly tell her to mind her own business.
Becoming a gp is not a right.

Yep. I knew this smelt of some wierd competitive thing.

It is none of her business. Unfortunately you made the mistake of telling her you were TTC now she thinks she will have a Grandchild next year. Tell her you are not discussing your plans any further.

@Thempolsoltch

Since I got engaged I feel like I'm waking up from a long dream where this was my life and I went along with belonging to someone like a possession.

That's great and actually healthy for you to come out from under your mother's unwarranted expectations of you. You must have felt that something was "off" before but unsure what it was and how to deal with it. The "boiling frog" analogy is correct. 🌹

This is not normal

Do not live to close to her when you do have kids, she’ll be controlling and mad

‘I’m sorry, mum, but this really is a private matter, so please don’t ask this sort of question again. If and when I have a pregnancy confirmed, you will be the first to know, after dh.’

Google enmeshment and parentification. She doesn't see you as a separate person. Be prepared to feel very discombobulated as the assumption you had that you had a close/normal relationship gets more eroded the more you read and understand.

I had the therapist thing as well, some of the stuff she told me about her and my dads relationship makes me feel sick. Had the baby thing the other way round "don't be getting pregnant just because you think I want to be a grandparent, i don't want to be looking after a baby". What is more odd is that, at the time, i didn't see anything odd in her saying that!

Would echo what others have said, dont tell her stuff, don't see her/be as available and, if she does fall out with you or gIve you the silent treatment don't go crawling back. It will be agony/you may be physically ill because that's how you've been groomed, you exist to serve her emotional needs.

Getting married means that your new family (DH and any future kids) have to take priority over your parents, if it comes to a choice. At some point your DM has to realise that she is no longer entitled to a say in how you plan your life.

But this can be hard on the parents, especially if you are an only child. Your Mum has probably defined herself in terms of her relationship with you for the last 30 years. Now you are going your own way and she is looking at getting older without her current relationship with you. Her reaction is understandable (which doesn't mean you have to excuse or tolerate it). The question is how you get her to come to terms with that...

@Thempolsoltch I had a mother like this. I agree it's a nightmare being held to ransom this way, emotionally. I'm early 50s now with two teens and my mother is no longer with us. But it took me until I was in my 40s to learn the term "narcissistic mother" which I learned about on Youtube via a friend who had the same. Look it up. There's a few types. She will definitely fall into one category or another. If your father enables her, which it sounds like he does, you've got quite the situation. Anyway, congratulations on the job that is actually something to be excited about. Maybe the distance from her (physical distance) might help a bit.

I have not read all posts but I have read all the OP's.
Comments about her DH are not obvious.
if it were me who had just realised the probs with my DM. I would be on the Mirena and going 100% for career. Far away.. . . . . .

Definitely not normal.

I'd move to the other end of the country before TTC because it will make it clear to her that having a career and a child aren't mutually exclusive, and neither of them are any of her business unless you choose to share.

That;s just weird.

I only told my parents when I was 12 weeks- and that was 4 years into our marriage.

Although my mother soon after we got married started sobbing and wailing at the dinner table over the awful thought that I was at that time vegetarian and what if I got pregnant and damaged the baby by my vegetarianism.

After that she was not told a thing about anything.

Just curious, what age is your Mum?

Not an excuse and I suppose you do mention long term issues, but could she be perimenopausal? And just slightly depressed, very lonely and bored (never a job, no friends, no hobbies, doesn't get on with in laws). Sounds as if she is just way over invested, not coping very well and has no trusted friend to act as a sounding board or to let off steam with. You and your Dad are it. And you are moving away to further your career, something she has had no experience of. She must feel she has very little purpose in her life atm - not for you to fill the void though, but maybe worth checking in with her to see how she is doing in general. If she could spread her wings a little it might help her mood.

Difficult, lot of pressure there as an 'only'.

I have no children, but wanted them. I married when I was 34.

After we'd been married a few years, an aunt took me aside and 'kindly' lectured me about the fact that my mum wanted to be a gran.

Next time I saw Mum, I told her what had happened and explained that I'd been upset since we actually wanted family. Mum then became a bit annoyed at her sister.

It's entirely up to to you whether you tell people, OP. You're behaving perfectly reasonably.

I hope to God, that you do not live near her, as if you do have a baby she will make your life misery. Do not use her for child care, ever.

No, her reaction is not understandable.

Your response suggest you never lived with a narcissistic parent so you cannot understand the intensity of this.

Narcissits don't change, they don't want to change and its very destructive. You have endless talks trying to explain how you feel, what you expect from them to treat you and they just don't listen. They are manipulators.
Until one day and after decades you see the light and realise you have to stop being their therapist/ fill their needs/ fix this relationship because you can't be walking on eggshells for the rest ot your life.

I know it's difficult to understand. Lucky people who never experienced this.

No it's not normal at all and you don't need to get embroiled in it. Any further comments or questions, it's fine to just say 'that's private'.

It's none of her business!
Tell her to stop being a needy weirdo and that you'll have a baby when you and your DH decide the time is right.

I'm not one to throw diagnoses around but she sounds like a true narcissist. The statement about you being "her creation" sent chills up my spine. You do not belong to her and you owe her nothing. Please get therapy to undo the damage she has done to you so that you can recognize her manipulations. Moving is a great idea as you need separation from her desperately.

Oh that is so not normal. You are doing totally the right thing by carrying on with life opportunities until things change. I’d be so proud if one of my adult DDs did that. So sorry your mum is like that. Hopefully your move will create some much needed distance.

If I were you I'd seriously consider telling her children are off the table. Then if it happens and you want to share once you're already pregnant, you can tell her.

My mum is nothing like this and is a nice mum, but has also been pushy about grandchildren. I phoned her to tell her I was pregnant at 10 weeks, a good month after telling my close friends and DP's family.

I don’t understand this pushing for grandchildren. You get your own chance to have your own or adopt, that’s your personal choice. What your DC do is theirs. I have two adult DDs of 23 and 20. The eldest has often said she doesn’t think she sees herself having children and I totally support that and have told her so. It’s a totally valid life choice with so many benefits. Children are a massive undertaking that more people should consider before jumping in.

Congratulations on your new job!
Sorry for what you are going through with your mum.
It sounds like this weird behaviour is a mixture of projecting (she didn't have more children) competitiveness with her SIL about being her grandma first, wondering what she's going to do now you are grown up and moving away.
She is bang out of order asking you so many intrusive questions.
It's no one business when anyone has children.
I have a young daughter and I can never imagine pressuring her to have children. I think also if you have an only you have to face up to fact that not being a grandmother is quite likely. I say this as an only child mum too. The choices we make in life.

Hope the move goes well! x

Exactly what I came here to say. Take the job, MOVE.