This can't be normal!!!!!??

[Thempolsoltch]

I'm an only child and got married 10 months ago. I just turned 30. My husband and I originally planned to ttc straight away, but nothing was happening and around 4 months into the marriage DH said he wanted to wait a little longer for financial reasons. We stopped ttc for 3 months then decided not to waste time and started ttc again.

So my mum and I aren't close and we have had a weird relationship since I was a teen. Shortly after we got married, she said she wanted to know 'where she stood' in terms of my plans to have a family. I told her, at the time, that we were planning to ttc. I didn't tell her when we decided to put a pause button on it as it just seemed a bit tmi but may have mentioned some things that hinted at it. I didn't tell her that we had started ttc again either. I've kept everything vague.

Anyway to add another level of complications, an amazing job opportunity came up on the other side of the country. My current contract is coming to an end so it seemed sensible to look elsewhere. As ttc was up in the air/nothing happening, I decided to go for the new job. I didn't want life to pass me by while ttc and so decided to just keep going with career and baby plans until something happened and deal with it as and when. I got the job and we are moving next month.

My mum has taken that to mean that we've sropped ttc so I can pursue my career and when i told her that 'nothing is happening (ie not getting pregnant)' she snapped at me that 'of course nothing is happening if youre preventing a pregnancy'. I didn't put her straight as it just felt too invasive and i felt shocked at what she said and how annoyed she had seemed. She went to bed in the middle of the afternoon and stayed there all night.

She has basically gone really cold and funny ever since, and has been acting like I've done something wrong, being very quiet and stand offish. I didn't want an argument and assumed I was imagining things so didn't say anything. She gets very defensive so I have to choose my words carefully.

Anyway, recently my dad told me that my cousin who I hardly know but got married a few months before me, was pregnant with her first. He said I couldn't tell mum as it would upset her too much, as I wasn't pregnant yet. He said she is really down about it. I couldn't believe what I was hearing but it all adds up. I think my mum is actually angry with me and really upset for what she thinks is me trying not to get pregnant.

This surely isn't normal? I just don't want to get into my fertility etc with her and I also think its just none of her business. Does she have a right to know the ins and outs of our family planning decisions? Is it courtesy to let potential grandparents know what your intentions are? I feel like she is overstepping by expecting this but not sure if maybe I am being unfair and I shouldn't keep her in limbo? I feel like I'll tell her when I'm ready but feel really reluctant to open up to her about anything at the minute.

This probably makes no sense but I'm very tired so thank you if you got this far!

I wouldn't say this is normal, no.

My mum was certainly very keen for me to have babies, which was difficult for me when I was struggling to have one.

But I was 2-3 years older than you are now when I got married, and she didn't constantly press me about it or quiz me on whether I was using contraception or not.

At 30, unless you are particularly unlucky, you still have plenty of time to have children. The only women I know who were worrying about this at 30 were the ones with known fertility problems, or the ones who were still single and were worried about finding a partner in time.

It sounds as though you have been TTC quite half heartedly, and not for very long. If you have a few hundred pounds to spare you could get a fertility MOT with a private clinic, to check your FSH, AMH and antral follicle count, and your husband could get his sperm checked. It's not fool proof but will hopefully tell you if you are showing signs of premature ovarian failure, indicating that you can't afford to wait and really need to get on with trying seriously to have kids right away. You could also use a non hormonal method of contraception such as condoms or a copper coil and get into tracking your ovulation, so that when you are properly ready to TTC you are much more aware of your cycle and likely to conceive more quickly.

But none of this has anything to do with your mum, who needs to butt right out.

You could decide that actually you never want to have children at all, and as disappointing as that would undoubtedly be for your mum, that would be a perfectly legitimate choice for you to make.

She needs to keep her nose out of your uterus, and her opinions to herself.

She is totally unreasonable. Good luck with your plans for a family and with the new job opportunity. Hope all goes well for you.

Do yourself a favour. When you move, tell everyone it’s to a different part of the country than it actually is. So if you are going north say wales not Liverpool. Tell everyone the same so when you do have a baby and your mum becomes unbalanced and tries to take over you can go nc and not be traced. It’s not a matter of if but when.

Oh God she sounds batshit and totally not normal. Good job you are moving. Make sure it is as far away as possible and stay there!

Good luck with everything.

Can I ask do you think your mum likely wanting to be a grandparent to gloat rather than actually be there for your and child?

She will be the type to want to be called mummy etc. run now and don’t look back.

Narcissistic mothers don’t change and become wonderful grannies. I’m so sorry for you, but break free now.

Bloody hell.
There's something weird about having kids that seems to make some people think they have a right to ask about and know everything.

Like when you've just given birth people already ask if you'll have any more.

But your mum takes it to another level.

It's no-ones business but yours and your husbands. Depending how you feel I'd either have it out with her and ask her what her problem is and why she's being the way she is or ignore it entirely.

Half the time g/parents like this then show an initial interest in the baby and then hardly any, or the other half go crazy over involved and try to stick their nose into everything.

Good luck with the new job. A bit of distance sound like no bad thing at all 😆.

Its definitely not acceptable and you need to put a foot firmly on it but sadly its not the first time I have heard this. I went through it myself even more oddly with the best friend of my lovely Mother in law. It was easier for me though as I could avoid the woman.

Good thing you're moving away. Stay well away as your Mum is clearly going to be a nightmare as she's making this all about her. Its none of her business and insane that she's being dramatic/taking to her bed about it.
Refuse to discuss in the future and let her sulk.

OMG. Good job you’re moving. FAR AWAY I hope.

Does she have a right to know the ins and outs of our family planning decisions? Is it courtesy to let potential grandparents know what your intentions are?

No, no, no. It is between you and your husband only. Then time to tell her is when/if you get pregnant and only then. And not immediately then either.

What a weirdo.

Taking to bed for the day to sulk because you're not up the duff?

Unhiiiiiiiinged behaviour.

"She meant she didn't want to be waiting for grandchildren if I'd no intentions of having any. She wanted to know whether children were on the cards or not, so she wouldn't have false hope if not"

That is none of her business.

YANBU. My mum is a bit like this too, a lot of projection. Some wise person said: just because someone chucks a ball at you, it doesn’t mean you’ve got to catch it. Don’t catch the guilt ball or any other ball from her. Live you life & be happy x

Hi OP. Your DM is clearly emotionally manipulating you, she withdraws affection or approval when your plans don't meet with her approval. She has probably been doing this for many years, and you have been conditioned to notice her mood changes and to manage them by changing your own behaviour to get things back on track, because otherwise things become unbearable. The problem is that in a relationship like this, things are never really on track. There will always be some other slight or hurt that will justify (in her mind) her disapproval or rejection of you. This behaviour is not normal in a healthy relationship. It is toxic and manipulative, it does not allow you the freedom to make your decisions and follow your own path.
So it is positive that you are starting to notice this and see how unreasonable her behaviour is. It might be worth having a look at the Stately Homes threads on mumsnet, there is loads of advice and resources on there from other mumsnetters who are sadly going through similar situations.

Fwiw..while I agree it’s totally and infuriatingly out of line, I’ve had these comments/reactions from a bunch of relatives (on both sides). It was absolutely maddening especially as there was a combo of job decisions/changed and fertility issues at play. So I’m not sure it’s as “unusual” as other players are suggesting.. at least in my experience a lot of parents seem to lose all sense of boundaries and tact on this topic. Even that I am now expecting (fingers crossed) I honestly haven’t really gotten over some of the reactions/stuff that was said. Sorry to hear this OP - I still can’t really believe how tactless some women can be on this topic, you’d think they of all people would be acutely sympathetic to the issues at play with ttc!

(Not trying to normalise it in any way - just letting the OP know she’s not the only one whose parents/in laws reacted like this..)

I was going to say this.
This is my mother. Its all about her.
OP the main thing for you to know is that your mother can't change, she is a nightmare with zero self awareness. And you need to put boundaries in place ASAP and forever.

I have three children and she just can't stop interfering at the level you explained.
It's very damaging. I try minimise talking to her and see her as little as I can. Because every interaction crosses the line of normality.
Horrendous for you, your husband and worse of all, your future children. Keep away from her. It's your life.

Absolutely gobsmacked by this. Your mum is a controlling and narcissistic nightmare. You have done well to develop in as balanced a way as you have. Honestly I would have nothing more to do with her.

This is really weird behaviour by your mother - and makes you wonder if she's OK. What on earth gives her the right to interfere in such a personal matter and to behave so petulantly when she perceives she's not been told every detail? Really odd, and she needs telling in no uncertain terms that your life = the concern of you and your partner, not her.

It is not normal to have your mother effectively sitting by your bedside keeping watch with a clip board as to whether or not she is likely to be a grandparent soon or not.

My advice would be to set yourself some reasonable boundaries now, before any kids are on the scene because you can be certain that once you do have a child, she will trounce all over whatever boundaries you might try to establish at that stage.

Best of luck to you

Yikes, what does she want, regular social media updates every time you have a shag 😂

Does she live with you? Just put it out of your head ànd do you. She will be fine

I agree with you OP, her behaviour is not normal and by the sounds of it she has been vastly overstepping at best or being abusive at worst for a long time.
You are not here to fulfil her desires and wishes. You are entitled to live your life as you see fit. People do not have children so that they can live through them. She had a wedding, if she wants a do-over, she can renew her vows. She doesn't get to dictate or pout about yours. As for any baby, well it will be yours and your DP's to love and raise, not an extension of her and her wants. Her getting upset because your cousin is expecting before you is insane, it's not a race or a competition.
Moving for the new job will probably be a blessing, it will allow you to get some distance between you while you figure out what kind of relationship with her works for you.