Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Genuinely kind, friendly and polite teen boys

159 replies

ComeAlongPeggy · 11/04/2024 17:36

Aibu to ask people who have older teens who are kind, friendly and polite - why do you think your sons are this way?

I have pre-teens. Feeling a bit wobbly about the hormone changes I’m seeing already.

I could answer my own question with obvious answers (stable family life etc) but I’m curious to know if there are any obvious things I can do/not do now that might work?

Not a journalist. Just a curious mother of boys.

Oh, and I have friends with older teens but generally when I ask why X is so lovely they say “he always has been”. The one with slightly less polite children, I haven’t asked 🤣

Thank you all. Really hoping for some inspiring stories and words of wisdom.

OP posts:
InAMillion · 12/04/2024 05:06

My teen is friendly and polite and knows how to behave but I wouldn't describe him as kind

He's not not kind but it's not a word I'd ever use to describe him

CalmConfident · 12/04/2024 05:23

SpaghettiWithaYeti · 12/04/2024 00:04

Agreed. My first boyfriend was utterly charming thank everyone. Polite, well mannered, academically successful, sporty, delightful to his mum, spent lots of time with his family as well as his friends. Teachers loved him.

He also became increasingly controlling behind closed doors.

then raped me.

Show quote history

Toigh to read. i hope you were believed and his perfect image did not shield him.
@SpaghettiWithaYeti

TheaBrandt · 12/04/2024 06:53

Interesting comment about the school having an effect.

The most unpleasant sexist boys Dd has encountered recently were from Marlborough. Three of my friends state school sons have had girlfriends who attended that school - so those girls are voting with their feet.

Lentilweaver · 12/04/2024 07:55

TheaBrandt · 11/04/2024 22:52

Hmm. How do they treat girls though? DD (15) has said every single boy bar one (who was from a different culture) who has been dumped by a girl however politely has turned nasty, aggressive and said misogynistic things to the girl. Every one.

She was waitressing at a party and a mum on finding out their age was twittering on that she bet they knew her son how marvellous he was and how all the girls must like him etc. DD was too polite to say err no actually he's a horrible sexist git.

I take your point but how would we able to tell this though? Every parent of either sex only knows what we see.

@shams05 I am Asian. And have brought my DC up with some elements of my culture, though not all. One thing that I made sure with DS is that he did all the chores. He didn't get a pass as a lot of men in Asian households do. In fact DD does less!

TheaBrandt · 12/04/2024 08:17

True. But think there are deep rooted problems with how many boys treat girls. I base this view on anecdote from my teen dds and also the reports about widespread sexual assault in schools and the Everyone’s Invited campaign. Makes me so depressed. Hope all the pp posters are right and their sons genuinely are decent. To girls as their peers and not just to mum.

ILiveInSalemsLot · 12/04/2024 08:55

My teen boys are close to their sister and female cousins which I think helps. I've always told them to teach girls with respect and how you'd expect your sister and cousins to be treated, after all, every girl is someone's daughter/sister/cousin.

Lentilweaver · 12/04/2024 08:57

I absolutely agree with you there @TheaBrandt. I think DS is a good un but ofc none of us can say for sure. I have a DD too and she confirms what you say about widespread misogyny. Maybe related to porn?

SpaghettiWithaYeti · 12/04/2024 08:59

CalmConfident · 12/04/2024 05:23

Toigh to read. i hope you were believed and his perfect image did not shield him.
@SpaghettiWithaYeti

Show quote history

I never did anything about it. I was coping with an awful tragic bereavement at the time as well, I had no fight left.

But a friend said something about another (earlier ) girlfriend of his years later that made me realise I wasn't the only one.

I don't need my children to be perfectly polite and charming. I would rather they were authentic but fundamentally decent people. Surface politeness and charm is just that.

SpaghettiWithaYeti · 12/04/2024 09:02

TheaBrandt · 12/04/2024 06:53

Interesting comment about the school having an effect.

The most unpleasant sexist boys Dd has encountered recently were from Marlborough. Three of my friends state school sons have had girlfriends who attended that school - so those girls are voting with their feet.

Yes I work/socialised at university with a fair number of public school boys. Far more misogyny and wildly alarming comments.

But yes, their manners were "impeccable"

(For balance the boyfriend who raped me was state grammar)

TheaBrandt · 12/04/2024 09:04

Absolutely agree with that spaghetti. Dh and I have a saying “warm words” pretty easy to fake smarm and have the chat. The real test is how you treat someone in a weaker position to you going against your wishes.

arethereanyleftatall · 12/04/2024 09:04

TheaBrandt · 11/04/2024 23:37

It was the stark contrast between starry eyed gushing mothers view of their sons and very different side seen by these boys female peer group that struck me.

Dd and her friends have largely given up on the boys - they are very peripheral now.

Same with my dd and her friends. They are having a very different experience of teenage boys to my generation. In mine, we were all excited to get married to Prince Charming. For my dd, she is resolute that she would rather be single unless she meets a boy/man who isn't sexist. Which is none of them as far as she can tell atm. I hope the boys grow out of how misogynisticly they're behaving atm, otherwise our birth rate will plummet, as simultaneously, girls are now being raised to not tolerate the bullshit behaviour our mothers accepted.

SpaghettiWithaYeti · 12/04/2024 09:04

Angrymum22 · 12/04/2024 01:19

I get to see lots of young people through work (HCP) and I noticed that all the young lads who were pleasant, polite and talkative went to one of the several local independent schools. I see a few with similar characters from local state schools but not as consistent as the private schools.
We were lucky enough to have a choice and one of the primary reasons we chose DS’s school was the politeness of the teenagers we knew who attended.

For me it’s a combination of parents and school. Partly strict rules and boundaries but mainly due to peer influence. I have often seen them correct each other in social situations, reinforcing the standards the school expect.
By late teens they greet each other with a natural, confident handshake and/or a warm hug ( although that may be just rugby players ). They instinctively open doors, carry bags and greet you with a nod or a smile. Even in the early, more awkward teens I would have DS’s friends chat to me when we watched rugby or cricket.

The term manners maketh the man definitely applies to DS and his friends.
They are still very much lads but are careful not to swear in front of adults or young children and apologise if they slip up.

For me, I expect DS to have the same respect I was taught to display. Addressing people formally, unless invited to do otherwise. Eye contact, please and thank you, appropriate language and good manners.
It does help if the are naturally sensible ( most of the time) but more importantly that as the parent you make time to address the difficult stuff. I was very upfront about consent and although not the easiest conversation, making sure that DS took responsibility for his own contraception. DS knows there is nothing I am unwilling to talk about so has no problem approaching me. Ultimately it’s a two way thing and showing them how respect works is probably the best thing you can teach them. DS is more likely to pull me up nowadays if I’m being unkind about someone ( I do test him sometimes).

Your talking about surface artifice though.

Even murderers and bullies can hold doors open and shake hands politely and use cutlery correctly

RosieMilkJug · 12/04/2024 09:05

I have 4 children and there is 9 years between my eldest and my youngest. The mysogeny and chauvinism is more prevalent in schools now. Eldest (female, 25) says she’s worried about youngest’s (male, 16) generation due to social media which wasn’t really around when she was growing up. Readily accessed porn and Andrew Tate have a lot to answer for.

DS is adored by his teachers and the word “kind” often features in his reports. But he isn’t popular at school and I’m pleased about that as the general cohort aren’t particularly pleasant young men and the year groups below are getting more disrespectful towards authority. It could be his school and the area we live in. He has about 10 friends who he sticks with and avoids the rest.

I worry that I’ve brought up my children to be too considerate, respectful, kind and caring as they have been dumped on at school by the more egocentric kids but I’m pleased to see that they’ve been sharpening their elbows as they’ve made their ways in the world and standing their ground at uni and work.

TheaBrandt · 12/04/2024 09:06

I have been doing the opposite of social climbing and guiding Dd to state school boys or boys from the local normal private schools. The attitude of some of the boys from the top public school to a younger state school girl was unpleasant

TiptoeTess · 12/04/2024 09:10

We talk at the dinner table. I ask their opinions about things in the news, things happening in our lives, their days etc. We play board games and take walks together. They also have plenty of screen/trashy telly time (as do I!) but I won’t sacrifice those first things.

I have always had a firm expectation of manners and helping round the house, but I think sitting at the table and talking is the most important.

arethereanyleftatall · 12/04/2024 09:10

Lentilweaver · 12/04/2024 08:57

I absolutely agree with you there @TheaBrandt. I think DS is a good un but ofc none of us can say for sure. I have a DD too and she confirms what you say about widespread misogyny. Maybe related to porn?

It must be porn I think and their easy access to it. Afaicr, pre phones, teenage boys would have been lucky to get their hands on a very occasional porn mag. Now it's instant access. And it's giving them horrible ideas about women/girls.

But I would naively like to take the heartwarming stories of wonderful sons on this thread, rather than my dds real life experience of teenage boys, and hope they'll grow out of it with good parenting.

mondaytosunday · 12/04/2024 09:12

My son is lovely, until he isn't. Temper like you wouldn't believe. But only I (and possibly his ex GF) know this. He's getting better now he's 20 - I think Covid was a disaster for him and really shook his confidence, but he's always had a temper.
But don't think it has anything to do with me. It's his personality. Kids will be who they are despite their parenting more than because of it (abusive parenting aside).

ArchesOfsunflowers · 12/04/2024 09:12

My 14 yr old and his friends are all pleasant enough.
I’d say the biggest thing is time together. Doesn’t matter what so much, junk food trips out, shared tv … doesn’t have to be much. For me and ds we cook a lot together. Give them lifts too, let friends round.

POTC · 12/04/2024 09:15

My 20yr old would be described that way. I wouldn't say he's had a stable home life, quite the opposite. I just taught him to be polite and respectful of others then challenged any behaviour that didn't show that. My 16yr old is the same but ND so it's different with him.
I truly believe most of it is just in their nature and there's not much I could have done to change it 🤷‍♀️

IncognitoMam · 12/04/2024 09:16

Dargawn · 11/04/2024 17:46

My soon to be 16 year old. Kind, gentle, sensitive. But a bit dreamy too. He’s not had any reason to develop sharp edges. Home life is always quiet, he has space, no dramas, routine. Never got shouted at as never parented that way. Ppl say he’s ‘sweet’. He’s a bit like his dad who is mild mannered and I think it’s a family trait from paternal side. We always eat a meal together with no tv or anything. That is critical I think. Being raised knowing you will spend 45 mins a day with you family where you look them in the eye is powerful. I dint know if there is any correlation but I see a pattern. The worst most cheeky kids are the ones without dinner time. It was the same for my DD who is 19 and just an amazing human.

Edited

Mine are adults now and wonderful men. They didn't sit at the table. We do now they're grown but were relaxed about this. We've always spent a lot of time doing things as a family. So I don't agree with this. Although it could apply to who you know?

PiggieWig · 12/04/2024 09:19

My sons have been raised with a lot of love from me but the men in their lives have been fairly absent or not great. I have to admit, I worried for them.

However, it seems me having firm boundaries about what I am not prepare to tolerate has rubbed off on them. There has been a lot of open communication and intentional modelling of right and wrong from me.

I see my oldest with his girlfriend and they have a relationship I really admire. They are each other’s biggest cheerleaders, and are really good at resolving their disagreements. They rarely argue even though they don’t always have the same opinion or idea of how things would work best. They seem to be really good at talking it through and finding a way they are both happy with. Both ND too.

IMO being a friend to your children counts for a lot. I don’t mean acting like a teenager yourself, but taking time to learn about their interests, finding common ground, going to the drive through for coffee and a chat, listening to their music etc all builds a lovely bond. And be the person you would hope they would be.

Another thing I’ve taught them is we all fuck up from time to time, but it’s an opportunity to learn. If you own your mistakes and reflect on them they can actually be a gift for growth.

They soak it all up.

Original poster
ComeAlongPeggy · 12/04/2024 09:36

I’m half way through reading everyone’s posts and I’m so grateful. So much wisdom in there.

Speaking with respect to your teens, modelling the behaviour we’d like to see, giving them time and love. All common themes!

Im reading slowly because I’m reading carefully (and its the holidays and I try not to be on my phone too much in front of the children)

OP posts:
ILiveInSalemsLot · 12/04/2024 10:50

A lot of it is how they perceive their mother too and if that shapes their view of women are there to service everyone.
I do the bulk of the housework and cooking but I've made sure my teen boys regularly do these things too.
I've no issue asking them to do stuff for me or a sibling, to let me have my own space and time where I prioritise myself and to generally be part of the 'team' that is our household.

YabbaDabbaDooooo · 12/04/2024 10:52

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/04/2024 23:32

To be fair, that's every boy in hers or her friend's social circles.

TBF @YabbaDabbaDooooo discounting her experience as a young woman is pretty dismissive and patronising. I hear what 13 and 14 yo boys are saying to DD from her reports from school and there's more misogyny than their parents would approve of, I'm sure.

I'm not discounting it.

I'm pointing out the that 'every single one', will be only the boys she knows or knows of, and not 'every single one' at her school, or outside of her social circle.

She can't possibly know how 'every single boy bar one' has reacted to being dumped.

grumpyoldeyeore · 12/04/2024 11:11

i would say judge your teen boy by how they behave at school and for other adults. Are they kind and polite to their friends parents? All will have hormonal ups and downs which their own parents will witness (where their parents are their safe space) and will have moments that concern you. But if they are polite to everyone else that’s a good indicator they will emerge from the teen years to be the young men you want them to be. You can keep reinforcing messages and calling out behaviour you find disappointing and some of that does get through but it doesn’t work as well as when they were younger as it’s natural development to push away from parents (particularly mums) at that age. You have to trust you did a good enough job in early years that values are embedded and they will come out the other side of teen years ok.