Genuinely kind, friendly and polite teen boys

[ComeAlongPeggy]

Aibu to ask people who have older teens who are kind, friendly and polite - why do you think your sons are this way?

I have pre-teens. Feeling a bit wobbly about the hormone changes I’m seeing already.

I could answer my own question with obvious answers (stable family life etc) but I’m curious to know if there are any obvious things I can do/not do now that might work?

Not a journalist. Just a curious mother of boys.

Oh, and I have friends with older teens but generally when I ask why X is so lovely they say “he always has been”. The one with slightly less polite children, I haven’t asked 🤣

Thank you all. Really hoping for some inspiring stories and words of wisdom.

I have a now grown up one who has always been polite. Even as a teenager he would always chat to shop assistants etc and genuinely take an interest in stuff he was told. It always made my heart swell. He’s still the same now. His dad and I split when he was 4..my husband came into his life when he was 9.

My younger teen boy (14) is also similar although he’s a bit more shy with other people. He’s very loving and we never have any problems or back chat.

I think with both of them it’s always been about talking to them, not at them. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve not been perfect, especially not when I was a single mum but I always made sure the oldest felt loved and listened to even when it was hard going.

My husband and I have been together nearly 20 years now and I think maybe our family unit, combined with a loving extended family has probably helped. We’ve not had any bereavements or serious illness until last year which I imagine is ‘helpful’ in maintaining that feeling of stability.

I also have a daughter who is in the middle and she’s feisty like her mother.😁 We have arguments with her, though not massively often. The eldest is undergoing an assessment for potential autism, the youngest on the pathway for ADHD and my daughter has OCD so we’ve had some challenges but overall we’ve been very lucky.

We're working through the Traitors as a family. Currently on Traitors US after watching all the UK and Aussie versions!

I teach a lot of 16-19 boys/young men. I work in a very deprived area. Many do not have 2 parents. Many are in care. Many live alone or in shared housing which will not be of a good standard. Many come from war zones. They often do not have any of the advantages mentioned above I.e a stable background.

The vast majority are absolutely lovely. I love working with them (and equally the young women). I rarely meet a bad egg.

Ah yes! We did series 1! That was a good one too.

Mine are way over and my grandson's aren't quite teenagers yet. But I have noticed it tends to be teenage boys who offer to help with the babies and toddlers, or make a fuss of them.

Yes, consistently modelling respectful and polite behaviour from the word go is important . Really interacting and talking with your child and really listening to them. They will talk to you as they grow. Both dh and I have some of our best conversations when we say goodnight (separately) to ds. He'll talk about things that are bothering him and talk about his goals and future. I feel really lucky.

I have a girl but I also see the 'inside' of a lot of people's lives with work. I'd say it's a combination of genes, no anger in the house, involved/interested parents, and luck.

As an aside though, teenage boys are also treated in a certain way. A really unhealthy way. I have worked in youth justice, with gang involved youth, with 'challenging' youth. I have found that treating them all as CHILDREN with love, listening, compassion, curiosity and empathy can turn around the behaviour of even 'challenging' boys towards you. If they think you like them and care about them, while taking no nonsense, they will behave upwards.

I have one. He is 16. He is all those things outside of the house bit at home he is a typical awful rude teenage boy so I really don’t know how he is able to be so nice to everyone else! He is just the type of person who likes to follow rules (except mine) and have people like him, especially adults. He also has a nice group of friends. He has always been like this, I used to think his teachers were lying to me when they described how pleasant he was because I never saw that side of him!

I agree with @MouseTheDog most kids on their own are pretty fantastic. I don't think they need to be perfect though for us to think well of them.

It can get a bit rougher when they are in groups, trying to prove something.

Everyone has their struggles, man, woman, child, elder - I know many great people who are not always polite or friendly - can be rude or grumpy at times as we all can be. This doesn't stop them from being good people.

I have two teenage boys 15 and 18. They are both lovely boys. The youngest is autistic and we’ve had some challenges with him in younger years but he’s a lot more settled now. The eldest I can honestly hand on heart say we’ve never had a moment’s bother with him. Not sure what we have done specifically- my husband is a very gentle man not a “bloke”/stereotypically masculine type so expect that’s had an impact

Mine is 18 and one of the nicest people I know.
He's an only child so we've probably always treated him more like an adult, discussed world events over dinner etc, always included him and had his input into decisions. We've also had firm boundaries which he thrived on.

I've no idea how much of his behaviour is luck, but we wouldn't have tolerated rudeness. I think he's just naturally kind and thoughtful..for my birthday last week he got up very early to take me for a walk up the nearest hill to watch the sun rise with me (something we both love to do) - a teen deliberately getting up at 05:30 is quite something!

Mine are lovely imo. I think having good role models and values goes a long way but also being able to express their emotions safely. A lot of teenagers struggle to express their feelings.

I think a lot of them are grumpy and rude around their own family but super polite around other people. I occasionally give my ds friends a lift and they are always very polite. I imagine some are utter horrors at home though 😂

One of my friends has two lovely boys, one of whom is a young teen. Becoming a teenager doesn't seem to have changed his personality or manners. It would be easy to say, "they've always been well-behaved" - because it's true - but I suspect the reason they were and continue to be genuinely kind, polite, thoughtful boys is because their mother raised them that way. She always had rules (not particularly strict, just what you would expect) and she followed through on consequences.

I have a 21 year old ds and he is kind, caring and a genuinely nice boy. We have always treated him with trust and respect and have received the same from him. We are a very open family and speak to each other about everything without judgement. We have always brought him up to be very respectful to girls and so he is very confident around girls and the one to count on when needed. He is so caring and romantic with his girlfriend, its so lovely to see.
I also think the key is that they choose their friends wisely and surround themselves with friends that have the same values.
All my friends boys and my sons friends all have similar behavioural patterns. Well brought up boys that we are all proud of.

My teen boys are lovely, kind, and polite. I think it's just their nature to be honest.

I agree 100% about dinner time.

The amount of kids I teach who tell me they order from deliveroo or just eat for dinner and eat it in their bedrooms is mind blowing.

I think our kitchen/dining table is the most important object in my house for this reason.

I love this, we are similar at home with our 7 year old son. I completely agree on the eating together routine.

My son is a lovely teenager - to other people! Though he's started being nice to me again now.

He helped a lady at Tesco and the lady phoned the school to say how nice he was!

I think he's like that because all the people (men and women) he knows are like that.

He sees kind, polite, thoughtful behaviour modelled everywhere. He's also done karate, been in the scouting movement and now Air Cadets so respect, discipline, personal responsibility and civic responsibility have featured highly in those orgs.

School, family and friends finish off the bigger picture.

It's been his personality forever. Once when he was really young, maybe 4 or 5 (he's 17 now) a lady came over to tell me that he's going to be a great Dad when he grows up. I was a bit surprised. My son had been playing with her much younger son and had been really fab with him.

I have a lovely boy who is nearly 16. People are always telling me what nice lad he is. He's kind, caring, respectful. Can be a bit cheeky now and again but that's normal. He's bloody ace. He's an only child (not by choice) so he's always had our undivided attention. We are pretty cool parents I think, not too strict but fair. We never argue, we eat together at the table every night and talk about stuff, I have always been more close to him than his dad, always taught him to respect girls, given him lots of advice, talked to him about personal hygiene and sex /puberty, how to conduct himself in situations etc. we have a great relationship.

However....he was an absolute shit as a toddler 😂😂😤🙈.

My 17 year old is a lovely young man ,kind caring ,not very academic ( but so what) he's not had an easy life having had a severely disabled brother and having diabetes himself but I'm immensley proud of him and how he's coped .

www.facebook.com/share/r/Bb9vhgJ15tcD9Mqx/?mibextid=xCPwDs

Most of the teenage boys that I teach are sometimes a bit awkward but very nice young men. I wouldn’t mistake polite for kind though! They really are not the same thing at all. I am thinking of one teenage boy who is always polite and charming but he got his underage girlfriend pregnant, then dumped her for someone else as soon as she got an abortion.

I think this hasn’t been raised so much on this thread, the importance of talking about sexual politics and internet content with teenage boys.

I showed DS the thread about incels earlier this week expecting him to find it funny/interesting. His comment was that parents had no idea how easy it is for teenage boys to fall down that rabbit hole, because there’s just so much toxic and sexist opinion on SM and in gaming.

As well as the other great points pp have made I would definitely highlight this.

Interesting thread. I have a lovely 15 yr old boy he is on the spectrum but is so polite and kind. He is head boy of his school, runs 2 societies at school, babysits for local families and volunteers in the library. He hates football and anything sporty but loves theatre. He is very studious and works exceptionally hard. He can be very rude at home and also quite demanding- he does swear at home as well which my husband hates but he is such a well rounded happy boy I don't see an issue as long as he doesn't swear at us.

When kids were little I made a conceited effort to spend time with them and we were always out doing something - they also did a fair bit of extra curricular activities. I chose a nursery for them that a higher than average proportion of children from poorer families that was on the edge of an estate as I wanted them to mix with children from all walks of life. Both of them have friends now from a massive spectrum of different types of families which I am sure has made a difference to them growing up and understanding differences in how other people parent.

A couple of controversial things I did - I never limited screen time partly because they had no interest and as I was always out doing something ,when we were home if we had been out for a morning for example being on the tablet for an hour in the afternoon was not a problem but I think because they were always out and about somewhere - they never needed a screen to keep them entertained BUT that has its downsides because at home they always wanted my attention and would never leave me alone. When they were little I never put the TV on for them till they were about 4 but but now neither of them can sit through a film so if I had my time again I would introduce TV a lot earlier just for my sanity.

Also they were allowed phones in their rooms and no set bedtime from about 12. Both children could self regulate from about 13, they would generally be asleep by 10 and as they were tired had no inkling to be on their phones,

My son is ashamed to be a teenager as there is a lot of problems with teens around here. He is happy to be himself and he doesn't feel embarrassed to be a good egg - he gets a lot of stick because of his volunteering and babysitting but he doesn't care. In the future he wants to work with children with SEN.

I think parenting does have a lot to do with how your child turns out. I think wanting to spend time with them and enjoying their company makes them feel loved and secure and if you can carry this on into their teenage years and they still feel loved they don't need to seek elation elsewhere - elsewhere being with a group of lads causing trouble and then getting glory from the leaders of the pack for being a bad boy.

Back to the screen time thing and phone usage my son doesn't play computer games he has never had an interest - whether that is because screens didn't play a part in his early life or not I will never know. My nephew who has been brought up in a similar way to my son is xbox mad and my sister is having huge problems with his behaviour which she puts down to not being able to get him off the xbox.