Genuinely kind, friendly and polite teen boys

[ComeAlongPeggy]

Aibu to ask people who have older teens who are kind, friendly and polite - why do you think your sons are this way?

I have pre-teens. Feeling a bit wobbly about the hormone changes I’m seeing already.

I could answer my own question with obvious answers (stable family life etc) but I’m curious to know if there are any obvious things I can do/not do now that might work?

Not a journalist. Just a curious mother of boys.

Oh, and I have friends with older teens but generally when I ask why X is so lovely they say “he always has been”. The one with slightly less polite children, I haven’t asked 🤣

Thank you all. Really hoping for some inspiring stories and words of wisdom.

I teach loads of them, along with a number of no tso nice ones. I'm ashamed to admit that I wish ds were more like some of the ones I teach sometimes.
He's quiet but articulate. Passionate and thoughtful. Kind, in that he tolerates younger kids well. Kind to animals. Will do pretty much any thing you ask (as long as it doesn't involve talking to people) But wouldn't ever think to hold a door open/offer to help anyone/complimentsomeone/ start a conversation. Just wouldn't cross his mind. We have modelled etc, but social niceties have just passed him by. I worry he comes across as aloof or distant but, unlike his outwardly perfect and socially savvy sibling, there's not an ounce of malice in him. Yet the sibling is the one people would describe as the op has.

That's not to say sibling is a bad person, but it's interesting to see how knowing how to play the game alters people's perceptions.

Just an expectation from a very young age that certain things are just not done
Children surrounded by like minded people, whether that be grandparents, aunts and uncles or just other families who we socialise with who have the same expectations of them.
Finally and most importantly for us is how from 5 they are taught good morals and manners when they enter the madrassa system so all day whether in school or out they know what is acceptable and what isn't.
My eldest is 20, described by many of his teachers as a gentle and reassuring young man. Very shy but quietly confident.
My 16 year old is similar but just a little more confident.

I have 5 sons and they were generally lovely kind teenage boys. We always made an effort to encourage their hobbies and interests (football, drums, guitar etc) and welcomed their friends over. I also tried to have a bit of one on one time with each of them, shopping for new clothes/video games and having lunch out together. Showing an interest in what's going on in their life and enjoying their company. I think you really have to make an effort to keep that closeness in the teenage years. They may seem like they don't need you much any more but they do really. They're under a lot of pressure with exams etc and really need to know you're in their corner ☺️

Hmm. How do they treat girls though? DD (15) has said every single boy bar one (who was from a different culture) who has been dumped by a girl however politely has turned nasty, aggressive and said misogynistic things to the girl. Every one.

She was waitressing at a party and a mum on finding out their age was twittering on that she bet they knew her son how marvellous he was and how all the girls must like him etc. DD was too polite to say err no actually he's a horrible sexist git.

My 13yr old is generally perceived to be very polite and kind. He has his moments at home, but I am verge proud of him. One thing I would say is that we have always called out any unkindness or grumpiness and talked about the fact that in our family we show love and empathy towards each other. I have always nipped any arguing with hi sister in the bud immediately and told them to take a break from each other.

DH and I have a loving relationship and never argue really, so I think that also helps to model good relationships. The DCs know that we disagree about things but do this is a respectful, good-humoured way.

We are a farming family and he has always had pets and animals to care for - I think this really helps too.

To be fair, that's every boy in hers or her friend's social circles.

In other social groups (in her school for example) she won't be privy to who dumped who and everything that goes with it.

I've got two amazing young men. 19 and 16. They are both polite, kind and respectful. They treat others nicely but both were bullied at school for it. Every teacher through infant school right up to secondary has told me they are just lovely. Never had a problem with adults disliking them, just the other not so nice kids who seem to smell weakness in nice kids. They've both got through it but it's made them both a bit wary of people their own ages. I couldn't be more proud and I put it down to a stable home life, clear boundaries and teaching them to have empathy and be kind. They are not perfect at home in terms of helping out, clearing their bedrooms or doing homework but they're not shits and unfortunately so many are.

Dd just found it depressing that they were pretty much all like that when thwarted. “Nice” middle class boys from “good” state and private schools.

To be fair, that's every boy in hers or her friend's social circles.

TBF @YabbaDabbaDooooo discounting her experience as a young woman is pretty dismissive and patronising. I hear what 13 and 14 yo boys are saying to DD from her reports from school and there's more misogyny than their parents would approve of, I'm sure.

It was the stark contrast between starry eyed gushing mothers view of their sons and very different side seen by these boys female peer group that struck me.

Dd and her friends have largely given up on the boys - they are very peripheral now.

Secondary school teacher here. Teen boys are lovely. Kind, helpful and straightforward. In my experience the class dramas tended to be amongst the girls. Most boys keep their heads down and do their best to get by.

Mine have been brought up to respect women and girls and have many platonic female friends. My eldest does a lot of work with boys in younger age groups on preventing sex based violence. So I’m pretty comfortable with how mine treat girls, thanks.

I know loads of really lovely teen boys.

They’ve all got great dads.

Ours is a calm house- DH and I rarely argue and we share all the chores.
Maybe our DS’s learned from that? They were expected to muck in and help from a young age so it just became the norm. We also made a point of eating our evening meal together right from when they were little. They still love a good family Sunday roast even as adults, and no screens at the table.
They did have their fair share of teenage scrapes and bad decisions but we’ve tried to raise them with the attitude that life doesn’t go as planned, there will always be challenges and difficulties, and it’s how you deal with it that is important.

Agreed. My first boyfriend was utterly charming thank everyone. Polite, well mannered, academically successful, sporty, delightful to his mum, spent lots of time with his family as well as his friends. Teachers loved him.

He also became increasingly controlling behind closed doors.

then raped me.

I have 2 older teens and I think they’re lovely. We’ve always had rules and boundaries and they’ve always been brought up to respect others and property - they’ve always kept their rooms clean and tidy and looked after their belongings. We’ve never over indulged them but they’ve always appreciated birthday/Christmas gifts as we’ve taught them that they can’t always have everything they want.
We always sit down and eat evening meals
together and we usually try and have an evening each week where we play card games or watch a movie together. I genuinely enjoy spending time with them.

I've always encouraged mine to be active. I think that really helps when their hormones makes them emotional.
They've had chores and responsibilities from a young age leading to volunteering then jobs when they're older. Part of the volunteering was to encourage empathy.
They've never been punished but still know what behaviours are acceptable and unacceptable.
We're also a relaxed, fun loving extended family who remain on good terms with each other despite any conflicts.

I have a tween who is an utter sweetheart and my god I hope it stays that way! Everyone around me seems to think so which is nice. He’s my proudest achievement. He’s such a polite, kind, gentle, empathetic boy.

I think he’s naturally a kind soul, but from being young I’ve always spoken to him about what is right and wrong and why. He’s very much aware of women’s rights and Black Lives Matter/gay rights and we have talked at length about all the struggles of these groups through history and I think it’s helped mould a very open caring human.
I’ve done lots of work with him on different types of people-trying to teach him that some people don’t show kindness because of xyz and helped guide him through quite toxic friendships in the past and I’ve seen how maturely he’s handled it.

For me it’s been all about having frank conversations with him about important things.
Im a single mum and live in a deprived area, his father was an alcoholic but he never witnessed that but felt the effects of it, resulting in him losing his dad. Even that, he’s dealt with it with such grace and compassion.
I honestly think our communication and connection we have has helped so much.

I'm the mum of 3 boys and have quite a few friends who have 3 or 4 sons as we all kind of hung out together when they were around 8 onwards. They're all in their 20s now and I love all of them.

IMHO, firstly, let them actually be boys. If it means wrestling each other, Nerfing the crap out of each other, throwing one another off a small balcony (long story) let them do it but hold them responsible. But if it's something else altogether, listen to them and work with that. Make them aware of how stuff their clumsy ass bodies and occasionally stupid minds affect other people. Have dinner with them all the time and teach them manners. Let some of the milder stuff go. Teach them that mean words can hurt as much as a punch in the nose. Feed them good food because those kids love to eat.

And, oh, wait! That's exactly what I did for my DD too! It's just being a parent.

I get to see lots of young people through work (HCP) and I noticed that all the young lads who were pleasant, polite and talkative went to one of the several local independent schools. I see a few with similar characters from local state schools but not as consistent as the private schools.
We were lucky enough to have a choice and one of the primary reasons we chose DS’s school was the politeness of the teenagers we knew who attended.

For me it’s a combination of parents and school. Partly strict rules and boundaries but mainly due to peer influence. I have often seen them correct each other in social situations, reinforcing the standards the school expect.
By late teens they greet each other with a natural, confident handshake and/or a warm hug ( although that may be just rugby players ). They instinctively open doors, carry bags and greet you with a nod or a smile. Even in the early, more awkward teens I would have DS’s friends chat to me when we watched rugby or cricket.

The term manners maketh the man definitely applies to DS and his friends.
They are still very much lads but are careful not to swear in front of adults or young children and apologise if they slip up.

For me, I expect DS to have the same respect I was taught to display. Addressing people formally, unless invited to do otherwise. Eye contact, please and thank you, appropriate language and good manners.
It does help if the are naturally sensible ( most of the time) but more importantly that as the parent you make time to address the difficult stuff. I was very upfront about consent and although not the easiest conversation, making sure that DS took responsibility for his own contraception. DS knows there is nothing I am unwilling to talk about so has no problem approaching me. Ultimately it’s a two way thing and showing them how respect works is probably the best thing you can teach them. DS is more likely to pull me up nowadays if I’m being unkind about someone ( I do test him sometimes).

My boys are far from perfect at home. One in particular can be a horror but other people always comment on how polte and helpful they are and I get lots of positive comments about both of them. I think that's a win. The main issue I have is that they fight with each other but if Its just one on one with me, they're both pretty great to hang out with.
As I said, not perfect but we do ok.

I'd love to see the demographic of parents on this thread. Not everyone is'white, middle class'.
My boys both attended an all boys school, not private or independent just a local all boys who are very strict on discipline and respect for others, both male and female.
It ties in with everything we try to teach them at home and what they're taught at the mosque.

I have girls but I know lots of sweet, kind considerate and polite boys of all ages.
Some have always been like that whilst others went through a pre/early teen blip before going back tonth3ir sweet nature of before.

DH once said that an acquaintance opened up to him about his two adult sons. One was fantastic on every level and the other was a loser, no job, no home, didn’t want to do anything, they couldn’t do anything with him. He smoked weed and his personality changed as soon as he turned to drugs.

I think parenting can be done “right” and “wrong” in lots of different ways, but there is also a genetic or personal factor. I have twins (they aren’t boys) and they are like chalk and cheese despite the same parenting. I think they’re both lovely and sweet in many ways, but one also swears like a trooper, often ignores boundaries, gets super grumpy when tired or hungry, and lies instinctively when put on the spot. None of which has become a major issue yet as so far she seems to know when to rein it in, is enthusiastic, does her homework and throws herself into activities. But I wouldn’t bet on it not going wrong at some point in the future.