Genuinely kind, friendly and polite teen boys

[ComeAlongPeggy]

Aibu to ask people who have older teens who are kind, friendly and polite - why do you think your sons are this way?

I have pre-teens. Feeling a bit wobbly about the hormone changes I’m seeing already.

I could answer my own question with obvious answers (stable family life etc) but I’m curious to know if there are any obvious things I can do/not do now that might work?

Not a journalist. Just a curious mother of boys.

Oh, and I have friends with older teens but generally when I ask why X is so lovely they say “he always has been”. The one with slightly less polite children, I haven’t asked 🤣

Thank you all. Really hoping for some inspiring stories and words of wisdom.

My cousin's son was about 12 when my mam died. She'd taken her own life, and l just found that out a couple of hours earlier.
My cousin insisted l wasn't to drive 100 miles back home, but to stay with them.
When l arrived at their house, the 12 year old lad was the only one home.
He took my bag, hugged me, and said "I'll put the kettle on, Auntie Katseyes."
I was in bits, but he was so kind. A lot would have been embarrassed, but he sat and talked to me til his mam and dad got home from work.
Good parenting, boundaries, and respect for other people. He's a good lad, funny like his dad, and kind and hardworking.
Same lad had just turned seventeen when his dad died. And he did the eulogy at his dad's funeral. I'm only an honorary auntie, but my heart was bursting with pride for him. His mam must have felt that a thousand times over.

For raising all children listening and living and remaining interested and supportive means so much. Never presume they don’t want time and model everything you expect. Mine are lovely - their friends are lovely and they do kind things for people without prompting. It warms my heart!

My son is 17, will be 18 in December. He is chatty, well mannered, funny, and hardworking. I was a stickler for manners when he was younger and also strongly encouraged him to speak up and for himself at restaurants and doctors etc anywhere that involved speaking to an adult, as a result he doesn’t have that awkwardness that teens sometimes have when talking to strangers.
I’ve always encouraged any extra curriculars and drove him to and from, he drives himself now and even drives me about.
He attends college and also works, he plans to join the police force.
His father and I are no longer together so he has the pleasure of two stable homes to choose from but we’ve always been a team when it comes to co parenting and have stuck to similar parenting values so there’s no confusion.

His sister is much the same except I can’t quite get her to make phone calls!

Mine is 19. He's a delight, and always has been. People adore him.

I agree with a lot of what has been said.
Dinner times at the table with chat and laughter
Listening to his fads
Never allowing anything age inappropriate e.g. mine had to be 15 yo watch a 15 film at home. There are rules for a reason.
Never allowing disrespect, even from very small
High expectations of behaviour
Lots of laughter, compliments and care.
Music - if you can get them on an instrument that's a winner.

Lots of talk even from young, about the family being a team. We pull together. I hate the idea of parents giving everything to and for their children, it's such a bad thing to model. Everyone in the family is important.

Katseyes7 sorry to hear you lost your mum like that but what a wonderful ‘nephew’ you have.

My three nephews. All as you describe, and always have been. Now late teens/early 20s. Their parents gave them lots of firm boundaries but plenty of freedom within them. They were expected to help around the house. Their Mum has worked full time throughout and they see how important hard work is for everyone. They never had lots of money so didn't get materially spoiled. They've all had weekend jobs as teens to earn their own spending money. I think it's all helped them be rounded and sensitive to others. They've also all got great senses of humour and are very talented and creative people.

No DC of my own but a lovely teen boy offered me his seat on the train a few weeks ago - I've something wrong with my right leg at the moment and it's causing me to limp after being on my feet for a couple of hours.

My son is an absolute pleasure and I'm so proud of him. He is kind and funny and wonderful company. He comes from a divorced family where we both respect each other and our households, take an interest in what he does whether at our house or his dad's house and vice versa, make him feel loved and considered and significant all the time.

We have a lovely relationship- I follow his interests, he 'trains' me in his sport, I know his friends, I am casual but warm with girlfriends, we watch stuff together on tv in a happy heap together on the sofa. I feel thankful for him every day. He has a silly sense of humour that I enjoy and encourage.

I think you can have lovely teens/kids that shout and scream sometimes. I have a DD11 for example, who finds school stressful and has emotional outbursts, but she'd do anything for anybody. I have an older boy who's just less volatile and more what would be described as a delight. He is a smart and popular kid who can coast through his days though, he doesn't have the stress his sister does.

I'm okay with venting at home. I tend to let it happen, and talk it through after when she's calmed down. I have heard the I hate yous etc, but I don't take them to heart. Growing up is hard.

I have the best nephew. He comes from a loving family and involved extended family.
His parents are both pretty open and direct in their communication style - there are no games, no passive aggressive shit- they are open to discuss anything.
I think and hope that my nephew feels supported and heard in the family. He is most certainly loved.

How lovely! Would love to hear your evening watch recommendations. Waiting for Young Sheldon final series here with my 12yo.

Passthepickle Thank you, he's a lovely lad, and his sister's just as nice. They're both in their twenties now, and just genuinely nice people.
Both amazingly supportive to their mam when they lost their dad far too young. He'd be so proud of the adults they've grown into.

My 18 year is an extremely kind and loving, friendly, respectful and committed boy. He genuinely didn't go through any difficult stages not as a toddler, tween or teen. People have always commented on how polite and mature he is from since he was quite young. He's an only and so he grew up with us able to spend lots of time with him and we developed a very close relationship as a little family, a real bond. We have always involved him in any decision making, respected him and listened to his views. We have always fully supported him in developing his interests. He has lots of friends, is very sociable but also very family orientated. I think it's part personality, part parenting and part luck!

Yes my son and his friends. He's 18 and loves football, tracksuits & Nike trainers (as do his mates) so would probably get written off as a chav by some but he's always been kind, sensitive and polite, as are his friends. They are all quite boring compared to what we were like as teens in the 90s- they don't go out much and when they do, just to the pub. My son is especially lovely with his little sister who's 8. He's very kind and patient with her. Two of his friends are football coaches/ref and coach youth teams.

Such heartwarming posts ❤️

My son also has grown up without knowing his dad (long story) but is still a great young man.

This is so fascinating! My DS now 14 is the opposite to how I was as a teen, despite being quite similar in personality to me. He has a huge amount of confidence and a positive self esteem. I have always (been lone parent for almost his whole life) encouraged him to be independent and speak up for himself, had mature conversations about different challenging situations and how he could deal with people in his own way. I was always polite to people outside my family, but I was EVIL to my parents, siblings and grandparents. Proper Kevin the Teenager. So I was expecting a bit of karmic payback - there’s always time, I suppose! He’s still cuddly, helpful and generally non-moody so I will count every day this continues as a blessing! I think being confident goes a long way towards helping DS be considerate of others, can’t pinpoint why I think it’s that.

My 16 year old…. Absolute twat for a few years. Now he’s the most kind, caring, polite and sensitive young man. He can be a bit of a dick when he’s with his mates but at home he’s adorable. He comes into my room every night to say goodnight and to tell me he loves me. If he has a spare pound or 2 he buys me maltesers (my favourites). A couple of weeks ago he texted me while I was at work to tell me I’m the most amazing mum, thanking me for everything I do and to tell me how much he loves me. ❤️

My DS is like this and his friends are as well. I don't think it's so unusual.

In Ds's case, he has always been a lovely chap so I think much of it is just him and what he's like. But generally I think it's good to model the behaviour you want to see and this goes especially for any men in his life- make being kind and courteous the norm.

Also don't treat him like he's turned into something horrible just because he's becoming a teenager. I think people are far too relaxed about speaking in an offhand way to boys about being smelly/rude/spotty/full of testosterone etc etc. It may seem funny to adults who see it as a phase but that's not what it's like for the boy going through it. People who are treated with kindness and understanding tend to pay back the same.

Started with ghosts (BBC). Funny and full.of heart. Schitts creek, taskmaster (bit sweary but he hears worse in school!) Very funny. Then gavin & Stacey (some really rude bits but we fast forward them. Episode 1 is sexual in the hotel room but I fast forwarded!) Now we are watching through Durrell's which we both love..next thinking peter kays car share. Xx

He loves it..sits next to me of sofa. I've got my ten yr old son & 6 yr old daughter so time just us 2 I'd precious.

Another thing we've started young is each yr going of an organised big walk in the countryside locally with a night away in a hostel or yurt as we both love walking but get slowed down by little siblings legs usually. Lots of sideways talking happens on a walk!

I mean in my situation anyway, I'd have heard about it if my DS became a horror as soon as my back was turned.

But I hear many parents talking about the awful 'teenage years'. Often it seemed the parents got the worst of it. I've not experienced that. Not saying it's all (or any) of my brilliant parenting.

That's an awful way to talk to boys. My DS would have been crushed if I ever spoke to him like that. Only one really applies in that he has some spots but I just bought him some products when it started and told him to let me when he needed more/anything else.

That's lovely - what a sweetie!

Mines 19 and prides himself on his manners. He always thanks me for every meal I cook, he tells me several times a day he loves me, he's kind and polite to everyone around him. His room is a shit tip though! I've no idea how he ended up like he did it wasn't through any parenting style aside from winging it. I am a single Mum though I don't know if that made a difference.

I have an amazing thoughtful helpful 16 year old we have a great relationship. He also does things I don't approve of, don't believe all that glistens!! No such thing as perfect.