Genuinely kind, friendly and polite teen boys

[ComeAlongPeggy]

Aibu to ask people who have older teens who are kind, friendly and polite - why do you think your sons are this way?

I have pre-teens. Feeling a bit wobbly about the hormone changes I’m seeing already.

I could answer my own question with obvious answers (stable family life etc) but I’m curious to know if there are any obvious things I can do/not do now that might work?

Not a journalist. Just a curious mother of boys.

Oh, and I have friends with older teens but generally when I ask why X is so lovely they say “he always has been”. The one with slightly less polite children, I haven’t asked 🤣

Thank you all. Really hoping for some inspiring stories and words of wisdom.

I know a very nice early teenager (13, nearly 14) he's a really sweet boy, bit of a lad with his friends, popular at school, polite and a genuinely nice kid.

He's actually the only teenage boy I know.

I had one. He’s 20 now.

I respected him. Knocking before going into his room, asking his opinions, asking for help rather than telling him.

Taught him young how to look after animals and do little bits around the house.

Probably what they now call gentle parenting.

My soon to be 16 year old. Kind, gentle, sensitive. But a bit dreamy too. He’s not had any reason to develop sharp edges. Home life is always quiet, he has space, no dramas, routine. Never got shouted at as never parented that way. Ppl say he’s ‘sweet’. He’s a bit like his dad who is mild mannered and I think it’s a family trait from paternal side. We always eat a meal together with no tv or anything. That is critical I think. Being raised knowing you will spend 45 mins a day with you family where you look them in the eye is powerful. I dint know if there is any correlation but I see a pattern. The worst most cheeky kids are the ones without dinner time. It was the same for my DD who is 19 and just an amazing human.

I think what gets dismissed as gentle parenting is just one type of good parenting, when done right.

My boys are both out of their teens now but they were always kind, friendly and extremely polite. I would say that most of their friends are too - it's pretty normal.

If it is a factor, we have never been an angry or disrespectful family. No shouting or discord. We never raised our voices or had strops, and I think that influences kids as they develop. It probably helps that their dad is exceptionally lovely.

My son in his late teens is like this. I would say it's a combination of personality, he's a gentle wouldn't hurt a fly kind of person who's never been interested in drinking or causing trouble. Luck, in that he's always had nice friends and not fallen in with the wrong crowd for example. Also as a pp says, I've treated him with respect. We are open and talk all to each other, he comes to me with problems and I always listen even is it's late or not a good time. We still have lots of hugs.
One thing I was strict on though when he was younger was internet usage. I used the parental controls and he had a timer that cut it off at night. He hated it at the time and thought it was unfair as most of his peers could do what they wanted day and night, but he admits now he's glad he had them.

I know loads of lovely teenage boys as a "not quite" an aunt.

I'd say they all come from stable families, interested parents, adults have spent time with them since they were little, they've had help with school work when required and have generally been nurtured both by their parents and wider family (grandparents/ aunts/ uncles etc). For two families I would count myself as adopted wider family.

Several kids are neuro diverse. Doesn't stop them being polite, helpful and kind.

One of them has a more "hips and hormones" sister who can be pretty toxic to her Mother. But thus far all I've received from her are some withering stares and sarcastic comments. She does still agree to spend time with me which I think is a win.

I'm not a parent but I think it's important to keep the communication channels open, let them know when you don't like their behaviour/ it isn't kind but also that you love them. Spending time together is important - family meals etc. I also find that they talk more in the car with no eye contact.

Personally I ping the teens the odd text message/ photograph. Sometimes I send a postcard or small gift (I like to be a bit unpredictable after I realised that some had started to equate me with a cash cow). They may or may not reply. I don't chase unless I need an answer to something.

Guys, thanks so much so far. Really appreciate it. Loving hearing about these great young men! And it’s interesting to
see some similar answers/themes emerging…

Single parent, adore my now 24 yr old ds but was very strict on behaviour and manners as soon as he could understand. But like @TheLightSideOfTheMoon always respected him, we talked things through and we were and are close.
He really hated my disapproval, but I think that had a lot to do with being an only child and he really only had me. He was never a blokey boy and didn’t like sport.
He knew I always supported him and still do, but if he’s wrong I will tell him.
Most people always like him, when he was little parents always said how polite he was. However, my jury is out on if he would have been different with different parenting methods, I suspect it’s just the way he is and it’s not that much to do with me.

I have a 15yo who carries the grocery shopping without being asked. 😊 If he sees me looking knackered when I get in, he gives me a hug and makes me a cuppa. (He still throws his clothes on the floor, but you can't have everything)

He's naturally quite chilled out and totally uninterested in social media/tiktok etc which helps. He knows I love him because I tell him every day, so is quite secure.

It's just him and me, so there is no pressure to compete with anyone or be a 'chip off the old block'. His df is only slightly involved but is at least contactable.

I've always tried to treat ds as I want to be treated. I don't bring boy friends into the house. At home, I am careful that we consider both our views & opinions. I try not to rant in front of him.

He has to put up with me singing & dancing in the kitchen while I cook. Even though he is taller than me now, if we have an argument, I seldom blink first.

We like each other which helps enormously.

Mine. He's 13 so there's still time but I can't see him changing madly. He's kind, empathetic, helpful, polite. I love his company. He still comes out with us for walks and park visits.

I think its partly his genetic make up, so luck, partly we've always treated him like one of us, though firm boundaries where needed. He has younger siblings and one is autistic so he's grown up being understanding of differences and being caring.

I'm also careful now to give him my time each evening. We find something lovely or funny to watch and get into together.

And I encourage independence & time away from us. He's gorgeous.

18 and 21.
Given massive encouragement with education. Ferried them all over doing football and scouts to encourage mixing, self esteem and independence. Encouraged responsibility, both did refereeing and have part time jobs from 16.
Lots of lots of family holidays (not always possible).
No swearing (in front of them). I'd lie if I said there was never any shouting. I don't think it's a bad thing for a child growing up to be a little bit afraid of their parents!
Promoting a united front. We were always in charge. They may be taller than me but I still sit up front in the car with DH when we're all together.
Tons of praise and reward for achievement.

I'd say they all come from stable families, interested parents, adults have spent time with them since they were little, they've had help with school work when required and have generally been nurtured both by their parents and wider family (grandparents/ aunts/ uncles etc). For two families I would count myself as adopted wider family.

I think this is very true - having other adults, not just parents, taking a genuine interest and giving them time and attention on a regular basis.

Love this ❤

We know quite a lot of brilliant lads.
The parents that have raised decent boys have in common -
Eat meals at dining tables
Both parents together and both parent. You see either parent on the school run, both at school events, either do pickup.
Family watches a bit of tv together - Friday night dinner
Family goes to the cinema, theatre, reads, very positive about any niche interest.
Family seems to like each other, very positive about each other and a good sense of humour.

Another lad, who is lovely, has his mum & strong, daily, grandparent involvement, along with lots of sport.

I'm sure other parenting set ups also work but we were looking for common factors recently.

I have kind, friendly, polite and well mannered twin boys who are nearly 16. They have their moments but those are mainly played out at home and their behaviour outside of home is pretty exemplary. Other parents love them and say they are a credit to us…however…I think it’s just who they are! I value politeness and manners, model it myself and acknowledge it in other people but I think it’s more to do with their sportsmanship, the effort they make in school and the fact that they are neither popular nor unpopular that makes people like them - I guess they are non-threatening!

Could have written this myself.

My 17 year old is a really nice lad. He does well at school, is mostly pleasant at home, helps out a bit with his younger sister, has a nice peer group, holds down a responsible part time job.
The things that I think are important are that we have always had high expectations and boundaries but we also say yes whenever possible to whatever activities he wants to do, and we trust him to be responsible. He’s been in air cadets which has been fantastic for self discipline and leadership skills and I think it helps that he is trusted there too. He has a nice friendship group and is part of a nerdy crowd that all work hard and are headed for university. He has been clear from being quite young what he wants to do next and he is very motivated.
He also is just a fairly easygoing personality. I can see we are in for a different ride with DS2 (13) despite all the same upbringing.

There are loads of nice teens around - in fact they are probably the majority. The minority give the rest of them a bad reputation.

They have parents (or a single parent) who spends time with them, is involvedin their life, and supportive - but also a parent rather than a mate. So there is a level of discipline and expectations set- probably that have existed for many years.

Mine are absolute Kevins. People falling over themselves to say how great they are and what a good job we've done. At home: grunts, smells and mess. Better that than the other way around I guess and they are definitely improving in late teens.

It comes down to a combination of temperament and home environment I guess. You can't always tell if you're doing it right until it's too late.

My two sons are men with families of their own now but they always were and are now decent people. I was strict! I and their father were loving, very. I talked to them from a young age about things I thought important like respect for others, kindness etc. To be honest they were a bit too good and were bullied a bit, if I had my time again I’d ensure they stood up for themselves more.

Single parent to a 17 year old boy, always been just me and him. Always been open and honest and given freedom with appropriate boundaries. I've always expected him to be polite and use good manners. He helps around the house, he pays his own bills from his part time job. He has a lot of freedom to follow his favourite football team up and down the country as he's proven his earnt the trust and freedom to do so.

Much like the other posters I have always treated my boys with respect, value their opinion, always talk through things and am honest with them. They know how proud I am of them, that they can talk to me about anything and we can figure it out together. I always apologise to them when I am wrong and learn from my mistakes with them.

2 out of 3 of my sons fit that description.

The one that doesn't particularly, was the one with the less stable home life due to my awful marriage to his dad, and the eventual divorce.

However, he's in his 30s now and absolutely lovely like his brothers. I think it just took him longer to get there due to how he suffered emotionally.

My 21yr old ds is a gem. I've been a single mother to him & his sister since before he was born.

Key things are;

Mutual respect
Keeping communication lines open
No judgement at all
Support in any of his interests (so much so I've become a huge footie fan when I never watched it before lol)
A really nice group of friends
I never allowed him to just hang around town doing nothing, him & his friends would go to the cinema, crazy golf, days out etc but with the parents all taking turns to drop & collect.