Who's right and who's wrong out of me and my husband?

[SallyMcCarthy]

I had major abdominal surgery 2 days ago (gall bladder removal, laparoscopic surgery), and I'm now recovering at home. Knowing I was going to be having the surgery, I booked my dog into Doggy Daycare for every day between now and 22 April. My dog, Fudge, absolutely adores going to daycare. It's a wonderful place and he loves romping around with the other dogs - it's his favourite thing to do. So, I thought: I'll book him in every day for four/five hours, so I'll be able to have a calm house to recover in, and he can be having fun at daycare. I assumed my husband would be willing to drive Fudge to and from the daycare facility. For context: my husband hates being 'stuck in the car'. He finds driving stressful, whereas I love it. Doggy Daycare is a 30 minute drive from our house. While I was in hospital, my husband messaged me and said, 'The traffic was really bad this morning when I was taking Fudge to daycare, so from tomorrow onwards, I'm not going to take him. I'll just look after him at home, it's fine -- I'll take him for walks two or three times a day.' Now, Fudge totally would be fine, but he'd also be a bit bored. His favourite fun is going to play with the other dogs. He has such a wonderful time. And I very much want to recover gently from my operation and ideally do some work too (I have a backlog waiting for me, once I have enough energy) and it would be so much harder for me if there were a bouncy bored dog in the house all day during this period. Another thing, for context, is that I am the sole breadwinner. I earn a lot of money, and my husband hasn't worked for about 15 years (he gave up his job to be at home with the kids because my job required constant travel in those days.)

So, I said to him, 'Listen, I really really want a quiet house so I can work, and for Fudge to go to daycare. Please, please will you drive him there and back while I recover? Just for maybe five days, and then I should be strong enough to drive him myself.' And my husband said no. He said he didn't mind having Fudge at home and would far rather that, and walk him several times, than take him to daycare with all the driving involved. And I just wanted Fudge to have the most fun possible, and for me to have the quiet time I craved too...so I ended up driving Fudge to and from daycare yesterday, the actual day after my abdominal surgery. And I drove him there again today, and will pick him up this afternoon - even though I feel tender and weak and barely recovered. Husband sees me doing this and still doesn't say, 'Look if it means that much to you, I'll drive him there and back.' Am I being unreasonable to think he should just have driven the dog to day care for the days I can't do it?

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What did your husband say when you told him your plan to book Fudge into day care and that he would be required to do pick up and drop off?

If he agreed and is now reneging on that deal, then he is being unreasonable. If he didn't agree and you made the decision that he should drive, knowing he doesn't like to drive, then you are being unreasonable.

100% this!!

Funny all the women here slating a man for not working yet they are the same people on the SAHM threads preaching about how you don’t have to have a job to be adding value to the family/house and how it should all be family money. The hypocrisy is unreal

I quite often do, particularly if they say that their husband no longer wants them to be a SAHP. Being a SAHM only works if it is both parties choice and the one not working does what they can to facilitate the one earning. She has said what she needs in order to work effectively when recovering from surgery and he isn’t prepared to do it for a week.

I'm just imagining poor Fudge tilting his head in confusion at the faff

You bringing up the fact that you are the breadwinner and he was a sahd, smacks of you thinking he owes it to you to do errands that you signed up to! Looking after the dc has enabled you to do a full on job, safe in the knowledge your kids were looked after. You weren't doing him a favour, which is how your post comes across!

You ought to have asked him before making arrangements which involve him driving for 2 hours every day.
The only way you would be reasonable is if your husband didn't look after the dog. But he hasn't had the opportunity to because you went full on martyr and drove anyway. Your dh has called your bluff.

I'm sure Fisher can survive without doggy day care and his little buddies - he's a dog, not a child.

She literally said so her dog can have fun! (and that husband would keep the dog out of the way if she wanted).

It really doesn't matter! His time doesn't belong to the OP to direct. He's not staff!

My post to a SAHM last week who was complaining her husband wanted her to go back to work. I think you’ll find I’m fairly consistent. I believe being a stay at home parent only works if both are onboard with the choice and the one staying at home does what they can to facilitate the work of the one bringing in the money. I might be harsh, but search my username I am by no means a hypocrite.

OP has said what she needs to work effectively whilst recovering from surgery and he isn’t prepared to do it for a week!

Thanks everyone - I'm the OP and this is super-useful! Bit of context I failed to supply before:

1. Husband did initially agree to do it for 4/5 days, then suddenly changed mind when I was in hospital and he encountered one traffic jam.
2. We are very well off as a result of my work, so our dog goes to daycare as a luxury - because he loves it - and I always drive him there and back when I'm well. I love the drive, he loves the play time - it all works.
3. I do think that because my husband has been able to be rich and completely free with his time since the kids turned into adults 6 or so years ago, that he could stick to his promise to do just four days of dog drop offs, which he agreed to before I went into hospital, even though he doesn't enjoy driving.
4. I also agree I'd be unreasonable to make him do the drive when he's said he'll happily look after the dog at home. I haven't done this. I've said, 'Fine, I'll do it.' But I'm feeling resentful and let down - so it's more that I want to know if my secret feelings are unreasonable! Anyway super useful and keep it coming! Thank you.

You are offering an opinion when you don't know the facts though tbf. You don't know their family set up, anything about the kids and whether they as a couple want/need/expect him to work. The OP has not mentioned that the husband being a SAHP is an issue.

No, re-read the OP. The OP is making demands on what she wants, based on what she thinks the dog wants.

All OP NEEDS is for the dog to be taken care of so she can get on with recovery and work. Her husband has said he will take care of the dog and walk the dog 2-3 times a day. OP says herself “now Fudge would be totally fine” with this.

Absolutely the dog needs taken care of, and husband has said he will do that. The dog does NOT need to be at daycare, and the husband does not need to be driving him there and back just based off of these demands.

Team husband. He wants to be around to look out for you and see to the dog.

You both sound like a pair of whiny wet lettuces making a fuss about nothing. But overall I'm Team DH.

you said in your OP that you assumed you husband would do it and now you are saying that he agreed?

You could stop at 1. He agreed to do it.

I'd add that most of point 3 is also irrelevant. He agreed to do it, therefore he should. The life you've provided him with was your choice and shouldn't be used afterwards as blackmail. Hopefully he is a bit grateful for it though.

Yes, sorry - he did agree, so I assumed his agreement (to do it for just 4 to 5 days) would remain in place, and not change once I was in hospital and he hit one traffic jam.

The kids are grown up! We don’t know what else he’s doing but he’s not looking after them! 😂

The OP has said what she needs in order to be looked after, and he’s not doing that either and instead happily sees her do the drive instead.

"But the fact you are the breadwinner (has he got disabilities and the relevant benefits if unable to work?) if not it means you should take the dog's extra costs out of his 'pocket money'."

Are you fucking mad? That's not how sahp works. The OP was very happy with him sah so she could be free to pursue her career, she doesn't get to cut off money because he doesn't jump to attention on her say so. That's called abuse!

Yes, it's a lot of driving, but it's also 5 days of doing something that would help OP recover well and happily. It doesn't seem like that big a request.

Well I think you would have got different answers if you said that he agreed to it!

But in any case, you should not be martyring yourself driving the dog to day care when your husband has offered a very suitable alternative which means that you can achieve what you need to.

Your dog sounds like a nightmare if he can't sit around despite a few walks. Your DH sounds fine.

Team husband here.
You should have asked if he’d be willing to drive two hours so the dog can have fun 😳 tbh, it sounds as if you didn’t ask because you knew he’d say no (as any normal person would).
Secondly, YAB extremely U to drive straight after abdominal surgery. Seriously, you could kill someone, or injure yourself badly. Extremely selfish of you.
Let your husband look after the dog, and either rest in bed, or go and stay with someone else while you recuperate.

You didnt know that the kids were grown up when you posted though.

Anyway, it can be hard when a person devotes most of their working life to rearing children to then just walk back into employment. Again, you dont know their personal family dynamic and perhaps they are happy with it.

Team husband here. YABU

"It really doesn't matter! His time doesn't belong to the OP to direct. He's not staff!"

I think it does matter. Obviously she shouldn't be directing him. But if it's something he can do to help her recovery, then surely he should do it? To be loving and supportive?