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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's right and who's wrong out of me and my husband?

462 replies

SallyMcCarthy · 11/04/2024 15:14

I had major abdominal surgery 2 days ago (gall bladder removal, laparoscopic surgery), and I'm now recovering at home. Knowing I was going to be having the surgery, I booked my dog into Doggy Daycare for every day between now and 22 April. My dog, Fudge, absolutely adores going to daycare. It's a wonderful place and he loves romping around with the other dogs - it's his favourite thing to do. So, I thought: I'll book him in every day for four/five hours, so I'll be able to have a calm house to recover in, and he can be having fun at daycare. I assumed my husband would be willing to drive Fudge to and from the daycare facility. For context: my husband hates being 'stuck in the car'. He finds driving stressful, whereas I love it. Doggy Daycare is a 30 minute drive from our house. While I was in hospital, my husband messaged me and said, 'The traffic was really bad this morning when I was taking Fudge to daycare, so from tomorrow onwards, I'm not going to take him. I'll just look after him at home, it's fine -- I'll take him for walks two or three times a day.' Now, Fudge totally would be fine, but he'd also be a bit bored. His favourite fun is going to play with the other dogs. He has such a wonderful time. And I very much want to recover gently from my operation and ideally do some work too (I have a backlog waiting for me, once I have enough energy) and it would be so much harder for me if there were a bouncy bored dog in the house all day during this period. Another thing, for context, is that I am the sole breadwinner. I earn a lot of money, and my husband hasn't worked for about 15 years (he gave up his job to be at home with the kids because my job required constant travel in those days.)

So, I said to him, 'Listen, I really really want a quiet house so I can work, and for Fudge to go to daycare. Please, please will you drive him there and back while I recover? Just for maybe five days, and then I should be strong enough to drive him myself.' And my husband said no. He said he didn't mind having Fudge at home and would far rather that, and walk him several times, than take him to daycare with all the driving involved. And I just wanted Fudge to have the most fun possible, and for me to have the quiet time I craved too...so I ended up driving Fudge to and from daycare yesterday, the actual day after my abdominal surgery. And I drove him there again today, and will pick him up this afternoon - even though I feel tender and weak and barely recovered. Husband sees me doing this and still doesn't say, 'Look if it means that much to you, I'll drive him there and back.' Am I being unreasonable to think he should just have driven the dog to day care for the days I can't do it?

OP posts:
WillJeSuis · 11/04/2024 15:47

YABU just for the length of your OP.

Your husband has said he'll sort Fudge out so just let him.

No one likes a martyr.

Moveoverdarlin · 11/04/2024 15:48

2 hours of driving everyday to take a dog to daycare when your DH can walk the dog himself??

Yeah team husband.

Geebray · 11/04/2024 15:49

MILTOBE · 11/04/2024 15:45

Oh come off it. He'd be driving two hours a day if he drove to work.

Show quote history

What possible relevance has that got to this?

mynameiscalypso · 11/04/2024 15:49

@Maybeicanhelpyou Oh I realise that! I was just responding to people saying it wasn't major surgery that actually it can be quite debilitating.

Geebray · 11/04/2024 15:49

I don't mind driving. And I love my dog.

But no fricking way would I drive for two hours to and from doggie day care.

Rickrolypoly · 11/04/2024 15:50

You are being an absolute martyr!

a- there is no need for the dog to be out of the house especially when your husband has said that he will walk the dog 2-3 times per day. Stay up stairs if you really want to be away from the dog.
b- if you expected your husband to drop and pick up the dog involving 2 hours driving when you know he does not particularly like driving then the least you could have done was ask him first.
c- really unsure what your husband being a SAHP has got to do with any of this unless you are just trying to make him out to be a complete cock lodger for no reason
d- if you are not supposed to be driving then don't drive!!

Jeez!

DonttouchthatLarry · 11/04/2024 15:50

I wouldn't drive 2 hours to daycare if I didn't work and could look after the dog and walk it myself, so I'm with your husband on this one. Surely daycare is for when there's nobody at home for the dog? Seems a waste of his time, of fuel and cost of daycare to me. If you'd said he was out at work all day and the dog would be stuck in the house as you wouldn't be able to walk him that's different. I think you're being a martyr by driving (and shouldn't be doing so!) and don't blame your husband for still not offering as there's really no need for either of you to be driving there.

Muddywalks34 · 11/04/2024 15:51

This is crazy, your husband has said he will
keep the dog away and would rather spent his time walking the dog than driving him the day care and why would the dog be bored at home, unless he goes to day care every day that’s his usual life and your DH has already committed to extra walks. My DH has had 2 hip replacements in a 6 month period, we have 2 young spaniels, they are high energy and the youngest was at the time like a bull in a china shop - didn’t affect my husbands recovery at all having them at home, I kept the dogs out of the room DH was in unless I was there to supervise them. I would have also thought that even after minor surgery you probably shouldn’t be driving for a few days. Definitely team DH here

BobbyBiscuits · 11/04/2024 15:52

Could you get a 'dogsitter/walker' who could simply take the dog there and back. And potentially take them if daycare was shut?
It does seem quite far to drive. But the fact you are the breadwinner (has he got disabilities and the relevant benefits if unable to work?) if not it means you should take the dog's extra costs out of his 'pocket money'.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 11/04/2024 15:52

YABU. a) booking your dog in without discussing it with your husband was ridiculous b) a 2 hour drive is unreasonable d) if having your dog at home but being looked after and walked by someone else means not enough peace and quiet for you, your dog must be pretty badly-behaved! My (large) dig was at home when I was recovering from the same op.

pinkfondu · 11/04/2024 15:52

2 hours every day in the car to take the dog YABVU

BeaRF75 · 11/04/2024 15:53

It's not recommended to drive immediately after this procedure, but in no way is a laparoscopic gall bladder removal "major abdominal surgery" (I know this because I've had it). The procedure is done this way to avoid major surgery. So possibly it's YABU simply for being over-dramatic!

Hottoffeesauce · 11/04/2024 15:53

Yeah, this isn't about the doggy day care - it's about the troubles in your relationship with your husband. You have problems that you aren't sorting out and they are manifesting themselves in your day to day life.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 11/04/2024 15:53

YABU to drive with invalidated insurance so soon after abdominal surgery. Incredibly unreasonable.

I've had a series of laproscopic abdominal surgeries recently, and was very clearly told I could not drive for a few weeks after each one, until I was no longer in pain and could do an emergency stop.

What painkillers are you on ffs? I was on oramorph and then Coedine, I absolutely wouldn't have been safe to drive while on those even if it didn't hurt like hell every time the car went over a pebble.

You're also unreasonable to decide your DH is going to do something every day without discussing it with him and him agreeing. Why ever did you not talk to him before booking everything?!

I'm sure Fudge will be fine with lots of walks. Does he go to daycare every day normally when you're at work, or does DH look after him?

NadiyahZ · 11/04/2024 15:54

This cannot be real…. It’s a dog. Give it a bone and let your husband take it out for a walk, it’ll be fine.

It seems that since Covid everyone has forgotten that a dog is a dog with its own animal instincts and does not need to be treated like a 2 year old human.

You’re all in at home, nobody should be driving 2 hours a day so that a dog can ‘visit his friends.’ At this point it seems that ‘Fudge’ is a bigger priority than your very real, very human, husband.

Give your head a wobble.

Toomuchgoingon79 · 11/04/2024 15:56

FFS this can't be real. If it is let your dh look after the dog all day and stay in bed. Not difficult

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 11/04/2024 15:57

No way would I be happy with someone assuming I'd do two hours of driving every day, when I'd offered a perfectly sensible alternative solution! So I think yabu. Driving absolutely knackers me.

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 11/04/2024 15:57

BobbyBiscuits · 11/04/2024 15:52

Could you get a 'dogsitter/walker' who could simply take the dog there and back. And potentially take them if daycare was shut?
It does seem quite far to drive. But the fact you are the breadwinner (has he got disabilities and the relevant benefits if unable to work?) if not it means you should take the dog's extra costs out of his 'pocket money'.

Edited

Are you being serious? You'd take money from his "pocket money" to pay for someone else to drive the dog to daycare? When he can actually walk the dog himself? Are you on drugs???

Now admittedly I'm presuming her dh isn't a cocklodger, but in the scenario where one adult works and their partner doesn't it's NOT pocket money it's all family money. And I say that as the main breadwinner

And taking about docking pocket money from your equal partner is financial abuse

Maybeicanhelpyou · 11/04/2024 15:58

@mynameiscalypso , anyway, hopefully you’re well recovered now. Even if it was a little slower than the OP!

CarrieCardigan · 11/04/2024 15:58

What a load of old bollocks! Honestly!

TayIor · 11/04/2024 15:59

You are being ridiculous

Rickrolypoly · 11/04/2024 15:59

BobbyBiscuits · 11/04/2024 15:52

Could you get a 'dogsitter/walker' who could simply take the dog there and back. And potentially take them if daycare was shut?
It does seem quite far to drive. But the fact you are the breadwinner (has he got disabilities and the relevant benefits if unable to work?) if not it means you should take the dog's extra costs out of his 'pocket money'.

Edited

Are you alright?

Rainbowshit · 11/04/2024 15:59

YABU absolutely ridiculous to expect your DH to drive 2hrs a day without asking him first.

Coconutter24 · 11/04/2024 16:00

BobbyBiscuits · 11/04/2024 15:52

Could you get a 'dogsitter/walker' who could simply take the dog there and back. And potentially take them if daycare was shut?
It does seem quite far to drive. But the fact you are the breadwinner (has he got disabilities and the relevant benefits if unable to work?) if not it means you should take the dog's extra costs out of his 'pocket money'.

Edited

Why should she take money away from her DH because he doesn’t want to drive 2 hours a day to take the dog to doggy daycare? He isn’t even the one wanting the dog to go!!

Jf20 · 11/04/2024 16:00

MILTOBE · 11/04/2024 15:45

Oh come off it. He'd be driving two hours a day if he drove to work.

Show quote history

Would you say that if it was a woman who stayed home to look after the kids? Nope thought not.

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