Who's right and who's wrong out of me and my husband?

[SallyMcCarthy]

I had major abdominal surgery 2 days ago (gall bladder removal, laparoscopic surgery), and I'm now recovering at home. Knowing I was going to be having the surgery, I booked my dog into Doggy Daycare for every day between now and 22 April. My dog, Fudge, absolutely adores going to daycare. It's a wonderful place and he loves romping around with the other dogs - it's his favourite thing to do. So, I thought: I'll book him in every day for four/five hours, so I'll be able to have a calm house to recover in, and he can be having fun at daycare. I assumed my husband would be willing to drive Fudge to and from the daycare facility. For context: my husband hates being 'stuck in the car'. He finds driving stressful, whereas I love it. Doggy Daycare is a 30 minute drive from our house. While I was in hospital, my husband messaged me and said, 'The traffic was really bad this morning when I was taking Fudge to daycare, so from tomorrow onwards, I'm not going to take him. I'll just look after him at home, it's fine -- I'll take him for walks two or three times a day.' Now, Fudge totally would be fine, but he'd also be a bit bored. His favourite fun is going to play with the other dogs. He has such a wonderful time. And I very much want to recover gently from my operation and ideally do some work too (I have a backlog waiting for me, once I have enough energy) and it would be so much harder for me if there were a bouncy bored dog in the house all day during this period. Another thing, for context, is that I am the sole breadwinner. I earn a lot of money, and my husband hasn't worked for about 15 years (he gave up his job to be at home with the kids because my job required constant travel in those days.)

So, I said to him, 'Listen, I really really want a quiet house so I can work, and for Fudge to go to daycare. Please, please will you drive him there and back while I recover? Just for maybe five days, and then I should be strong enough to drive him myself.' And my husband said no. He said he didn't mind having Fudge at home and would far rather that, and walk him several times, than take him to daycare with all the driving involved. And I just wanted Fudge to have the most fun possible, and for me to have the quiet time I craved too...so I ended up driving Fudge to and from daycare yesterday, the actual day after my abdominal surgery. And I drove him there again today, and will pick him up this afternoon - even though I feel tender and weak and barely recovered. Husband sees me doing this and still doesn't say, 'Look if it means that much to you, I'll drive him there and back.' Am I being unreasonable to think he should just have driven the dog to day care for the days I can't do it?

Regardless of whether he agreed to it he has now clearly seen that its ridiculous to spend 2 hours driving for no purpose when he could just walk the dog. He's thought better of the agreement, the cost isn't an issue so he's changed his mind.
I also don't understand why you need the dog out of the house to do your work, what does the dog do that will disrupt your recovery.

I'm not team husband! He saw her driving when she wasn't well - he hasn't got anything else to do but didn't tell her to get to bed and that he'd take care of things - as he'd promised to do.

OP, you have money and a husband who's not nice to you. You have options.

She did ask. He agreed.

@Rickrolypoly I'm financially abusive because I think someone can spend their own money on a dogsitter?
And why can't the husband do more, unless he's disabled or the kids are preschool?

The thing with being a sahp is that you can't always just walk back into a decent job when you've spent so much time out of the workplace. And it's wrong for the wohp to decide, once they've already received all the benefit of having a sah spouse, that the arrangement no longer suits. Different in a person could just walk back into work with no disadvantage, but the damage is done by that point.

I do think that if IP had said that dh agreed, the responses would be different.

What does your husband do all day, as the dc are grown up, you must have a spotless house ! and 3 home cooked meals a day :) and an immaculate manicured garden.

very kind of him to offer to walk the dog a couple of times a day...( not ! )

Yanbu to want a calm environment- don't drive and risk your health though. Is your husband otherwise supportive and kind or is this just part of an overall pattern of rubbish behaviour?

This real?? 😂🐶

Why isn't he working?

They don't need a dog sitter- he has said he will care for the dog! It's not a requirement for dogs have to go to day care and hang out with their mates everyday.
Your attitude of "it's all my money and I will allow you pocket money and deduct from it as I see fit if you don't do as I tell you" a very nasty and abusive mindset.

If he agreed to it then he should do it. Even if it is a bit bonkers.

I'm sorry but I just can't get past the whole "fudge going to see his friends" part.
I know you say you are well off, so I understand that it's not a great expense to you, but it's just funny and I'm wondering if he also attend dog school for training and what other fulfilling activities he does. I'm starting to realise that some dogs have busier social lives than me😬

Sounds like poor communication between you but if your dp agreed to drive the dog for a few days then he should do it.

@CurlewKate she doesn't need him to do this to help her recovery - she just needs for the dog to be looked after and walked, which he's said he will do. She just hasn't given him the opportunity because she thinks the dog having fun at daycare is more important.

But if he did agree to do it, then I think he ought to stand by that.
I don't think he's necessarily horrible because he resisted being manipulated into driving by the OP deciding to do it herself after surgery. That's on her and was a stupid thing to do.

Bit of a dick move for him to just casually watch you driving around while you're trying to recover buuttt I find it really strange that you booked your dog in to doggy day care for like 4 or 5 hours a day, for over 2 weeks, even though your husband is literally... at home... and has no job so is more than capable of looking after it and you just expected him to do a 2 hour car journey each day anyway, even though you know he's not a very comfortable driver...

I think YABU OP

@SallyMcCarthy Well if he had previously agreed, then I change my vote!
However, it’s actually only 4/5 days. It’s probably not a bridge either of you should die on. Let it go, he hates driving, you’re feeling vulnerable…..

I don’t understand why having a dog in the house would be such an issue for your recovery, unless it’s out of control/constantly jumps up/is untrained?

Even if your DH initially agreed, once he’d done it for a day (driving for 2 hours!) and got stuck in traffic I can completely understand him thinking ‘what’s the point in this when I can just look after the dog myself and take it for extra walks at home’

I think you're ridiculous OP. After abdominal surgery you wouldn't reliably have the muscle strength for an emergency stop or to control your car if it went into a skid. You could have killed someone. For what it's worth, if I were your H I'd have refused too. A SAHP is not paid staff to fulfil your every whim and being the bread winner doesn't buy you the right to dictate. If you want him to get a job tell him, don't hold your financial power over him as leverage for your demands.

I don't understand why it's so important doggy gets to play with his friends now, if that's not his usual routine.

I'm a stay at home mum ,due to kids with SEN ,who have their education at home ,so I'm with the kids 24/7
I do everything I can to make my DH life easier, because he is the breadwinner.
Your DH is selfish and taking you for granted
He needs to have a job
How can he have any self worth taking your money for doing Nothing

I am astounded how women end up & stay with, men like this. He doesn't work! Ick for starters (sorry). But he can't put himself out for a few days whist his wife recovers? Jesus wept. The poor darling finds driving stressful. Does he also need someone to tie his shoelaces?

Team OP

Has your husband been sitting on his ass while you have been driving the dog to and from daycare? This would give me the biggest ick.

He's had years of leisurely pottering around since the kids have gone, and he can't be bothered to inconvenience himself for less than a week.

As you're so affluent, just call a cab for the dog.

I would never have done that journey (wouldn't have agreed to do it in the first place)
Would have happily looked after the dog.

And if, as a couple they are ok with the arrangements re working, then that's up to them

My thoughts exactly!

I am forcibly unemployed as we have relocated to another continent for DH work (I'm not 'allowed' by embassy to work)So, for 2 years, cooking, cleaning, chores etc are on me, as I don't work! DH will try to do the dishes & I shoo him away as he's been at work & I haven't! He gets paid an "allowance" which in turn gets given to me for the "inconvenience " of me not being able to work. So I'm darn well going to make his life as easy as possible.