Who's right and who's wrong out of me and my husband?

[SallyMcCarthy]

I had major abdominal surgery 2 days ago (gall bladder removal, laparoscopic surgery), and I'm now recovering at home. Knowing I was going to be having the surgery, I booked my dog into Doggy Daycare for every day between now and 22 April. My dog, Fudge, absolutely adores going to daycare. It's a wonderful place and he loves romping around with the other dogs - it's his favourite thing to do. So, I thought: I'll book him in every day for four/five hours, so I'll be able to have a calm house to recover in, and he can be having fun at daycare. I assumed my husband would be willing to drive Fudge to and from the daycare facility. For context: my husband hates being 'stuck in the car'. He finds driving stressful, whereas I love it. Doggy Daycare is a 30 minute drive from our house. While I was in hospital, my husband messaged me and said, 'The traffic was really bad this morning when I was taking Fudge to daycare, so from tomorrow onwards, I'm not going to take him. I'll just look after him at home, it's fine -- I'll take him for walks two or three times a day.' Now, Fudge totally would be fine, but he'd also be a bit bored. His favourite fun is going to play with the other dogs. He has such a wonderful time. And I very much want to recover gently from my operation and ideally do some work too (I have a backlog waiting for me, once I have enough energy) and it would be so much harder for me if there were a bouncy bored dog in the house all day during this period. Another thing, for context, is that I am the sole breadwinner. I earn a lot of money, and my husband hasn't worked for about 15 years (he gave up his job to be at home with the kids because my job required constant travel in those days.)

So, I said to him, 'Listen, I really really want a quiet house so I can work, and for Fudge to go to daycare. Please, please will you drive him there and back while I recover? Just for maybe five days, and then I should be strong enough to drive him myself.' And my husband said no. He said he didn't mind having Fudge at home and would far rather that, and walk him several times, than take him to daycare with all the driving involved. And I just wanted Fudge to have the most fun possible, and for me to have the quiet time I craved too...so I ended up driving Fudge to and from daycare yesterday, the actual day after my abdominal surgery. And I drove him there again today, and will pick him up this afternoon - even though I feel tender and weak and barely recovered. Husband sees me doing this and still doesn't say, 'Look if it means that much to you, I'll drive him there and back.' Am I being unreasonable to think he should just have driven the dog to day care for the days I can't do it?

She did check with him first and he agreed. He reneged on his promise after the first day.

I’m going to assume that in general he does a lot around the house. He was prepared to take care of the dog. This is a bit of luxury thinking on your behalf, that you should have everything exactly as you want it- it’s not that dissimilar for expecting him to buy a special type of lemon to slice for your earl grey to help you recover. He hates driving, as another poster said you are prioritising a play time for your dog over your husbands hate of driving, by planning him to drive 2h a day. You shouldn’t have driven. In your husbands place I wouldn’t have agreed, I’d have said don’t be bloody ridiculous, 2h driving a day is not on the cards.

You are one of those people who thinks their dog is human! It is not a child. As long as he is walked, licky mats, chewy toys and company then that's ok!

Tell him to go get a job and pick up the slack from being a free loader the last 6 years, if he can't do you a favour and drive for a few days after living off you for years I would tell him we're togo.

YABU

You've not just had major abdominal surgery, you've had a laparoscopic gall bladder removal, i.e. keyhole surgery. No different to an appendectomy, which I had recently which is very much MINOR surgery!

Anyway, expecting your husband, who you know hates driving to drive for two hours per day, when he can look after the dog at home is completely unreasonable. Just let him look after the dog at home, and rest yourself at home, which will aid your recovery.

YABVU for driving when you aren't safe or insured to.

YABU for booking dog care half an hour's drive away anyway, from an environmental perspective. Even if your car is electric, fuel is being consumed somewhere. Unless you have lots of solar panels and only go on sunny days. Have you really got no local parks where he can make friends? We should be trying to reduce commuting, and here you are doing a double commute on what seems to be a regular basis just to give your pet a treat.

Husband IBVU for not being able to keep bouncy dog out of your hair closer to home if that's what you need.

Mumsnet hates dogs. If you had asked about your freeloading husband honouring any other promise whilst you were recovering from surgery the answers here would be different

Originally the OP said that she “assumed”, and then backtracked. At best, it sounds as if he “agreed” after it was a done deal. At worst, he never agreed at all, but the comments didn’t go the way the OP thought.

Have you told your insurance company you are driving after surgery as I’m sure you can’t be covered.
Plus This is dangerous.

Leave your dh to look after your dog whilst you recover.

Oh....so you have a taker who never gives back. Happy with the high life as long as someone else is working and paying for it.

Do what you think is right for you right now, but remember this the next time your husband asks you for something.

you shouldnt drive yet until u can do an emergeny stop

but he agree and is bu not to do it anymore-is he like this alot

Well yes of course, a woman who has just had abdominal surgery should of course be putting the rest of the world before her recovery.....selfish cow!

Have you contacted your insurance to check you’re clear to drive? I was told I shouldn’t drive and wouldn’t be insured until I was able to do an emergency stop.

Your DH is a lazy cocklodger-make him walk the dog as promised several times a day-dog will enjoy that just as much.

That’s precisely what he wants to do?

Hahhaaa ha EXACTLY! That lazy cocklodger, how bloody dare he insist he walk the dog!

As long as DH 100% looks after the dog then he is not BU to not wishe to spend all that time driving.

If he wants a sugar mummy he has to do his chores!

Laparoscopic gallbladder surgery is day case . YABU

Wtf? He let you drive the dog?

Yeah because that is the issue here, not the lazy cock lodger who wont drive for an hour twice a day in order to make the woman he claims to love, feel better.

FFs......

Seriously beginning to think that this place should be renamed MumstepfordNet.

There is absolutely no way that it was safe for you to drive the day after your surgery, @SallyMcCarthy . I can’t imagine how dreadful you must have felt, and most places advise not to drive or operate heavy machinery for 24 hours after a general anesthetic; maybe they didn’t tell you this. I’m glad you and your dog are okay and weren’t injured.

Second, compromise? If he is so uncomfortable driving that he can’t keep his word to his wife who has just gotten out of surgery, ok. But “giving the dog two to three walks a day” isn’t a compromise. A compromise is that he needs to keep the dog out of the house for the same amount of time the dog would have been gone. So I guess DH and DDog are going for a five-hour jolly tomorrow. But that’s it - he agreed the dog would be out of the house for several hours, then he needs to take the dog out of the house for several hours, either by driving to doggy daycare or by leaving with the dog for those hours.

And if he’s so uncomfortable with driving, is he really safe to have a driver’s licence? Yes, I understand it may be convenient for when he really needs to drive, but it sounds like he has absolutely no confidence at all in his driving. If he does want to keep his licence, could he maybe take some refresher or anxiety-reducing driving classes?

It would actually be 2hrs in total:
DH and Fudge to Daycare = 30mins
DH return home = 30mins; then later
DH to Daycare = 30mins
DH and Fudge return home = 30mins

Well yes of course, a woman who has just had abdominal surgery should of course be putting the rest of the world before her recovery.....selfish cow!

She's putting her dog's fun day out before her recovery.
And she's been regularly driving 2 hours to give her dog a fun day out before surgery was a factor at all.

It’s a dog. Not a baby. Your husband said he’d look after the dog. Let him. Not sure what either of your work statuses have to do with anything.