Who's right and who's wrong out of me and my husband?

[SallyMcCarthy]

I had major abdominal surgery 2 days ago (gall bladder removal, laparoscopic surgery), and I'm now recovering at home. Knowing I was going to be having the surgery, I booked my dog into Doggy Daycare for every day between now and 22 April. My dog, Fudge, absolutely adores going to daycare. It's a wonderful place and he loves romping around with the other dogs - it's his favourite thing to do. So, I thought: I'll book him in every day for four/five hours, so I'll be able to have a calm house to recover in, and he can be having fun at daycare. I assumed my husband would be willing to drive Fudge to and from the daycare facility. For context: my husband hates being 'stuck in the car'. He finds driving stressful, whereas I love it. Doggy Daycare is a 30 minute drive from our house. While I was in hospital, my husband messaged me and said, 'The traffic was really bad this morning when I was taking Fudge to daycare, so from tomorrow onwards, I'm not going to take him. I'll just look after him at home, it's fine -- I'll take him for walks two or three times a day.' Now, Fudge totally would be fine, but he'd also be a bit bored. His favourite fun is going to play with the other dogs. He has such a wonderful time. And I very much want to recover gently from my operation and ideally do some work too (I have a backlog waiting for me, once I have enough energy) and it would be so much harder for me if there were a bouncy bored dog in the house all day during this period. Another thing, for context, is that I am the sole breadwinner. I earn a lot of money, and my husband hasn't worked for about 15 years (he gave up his job to be at home with the kids because my job required constant travel in those days.)

So, I said to him, 'Listen, I really really want a quiet house so I can work, and for Fudge to go to daycare. Please, please will you drive him there and back while I recover? Just for maybe five days, and then I should be strong enough to drive him myself.' And my husband said no. He said he didn't mind having Fudge at home and would far rather that, and walk him several times, than take him to daycare with all the driving involved. And I just wanted Fudge to have the most fun possible, and for me to have the quiet time I craved too...so I ended up driving Fudge to and from daycare yesterday, the actual day after my abdominal surgery. And I drove him there again today, and will pick him up this afternoon - even though I feel tender and weak and barely recovered. Husband sees me doing this and still doesn't say, 'Look if it means that much to you, I'll drive him there and back.' Am I being unreasonable to think he should just have driven the dog to day care for the days I can't do it?

Your husband is a prick, sorry. He hasn’t worked in 15 years because of the kids, so the kids are at least 15, so what does he do all day?
I think now would be an excellent time to suggest a return to work.
And before anyone says it, yes, my opinion would be exactly the same if this was a reverse and OP was a man and lazy one was the woman.

YANBU. Your husband doesn't work and also doesn't look after any children. What does he do at home?

He can surely survive driving 2hrs a day while you recover?! Has he offered to be out of the house for several hours/keep the dog completely away from you so you can rest?

Or is he planning to enjoy his hobbies, take dog out a couple of times and let you deal with him?

I'm assuming the second one in which case he's extremely selfish. And who would let someone they love drive for 2 hrs days after surgery?? If you were my partner I'd be worried sick and wouldn't let you do that!!

There's a current thread with a 'sahm' with one dc nearly finished uni and one at finishing school and she's still getting the 'you deserve spousal maintenance'...

If you're super rich why don't you pay someone to drive the pampered pooch to doggy day care? You're being ridiculous. He's offered a perfectly reasonable solution so I don't blame him refusing to be blackmailed into doing lengthy drives when they're not necessary.

You're rich, it's a treat not a necessity, just spend a bit more and get the dog picked up and delivered, most day cares will do that, won't they? If not there are pet taxis you can use.

I take my dog to a sitter half an hour away when we go away and no way would I be willing to take him and pick him up every day five days in a row. What a drag.

And to all the people saying 'he should do it because he doesn't work' - they agreed he would stay home with the dc, so he doesn't actually have a career any more, they are very well off, so he doesn't need to work.

That doesn't make him the OP's slave to have to do things he intensely dislikes and which are completely unnecessary just because the OP wants him to, when he has offered a perfectly reasonable alternative.

I hope you make a good recovery.
Fudge is a very lucky dog to have such a lovely, caring owner. Sadly I don’t think your DH feels quite the same about him as you do. Refusing to drive him wasn’t being kind to either of you.

Not on subject but....driving after surgery without specific medical clearance would invalidate your insurance.
Is there no way your DH could keep the dog entertained for a few hours ? You're not being unreasonable in wanting Fudge to have fun but if he doesn't go every day normally why insist on it now when DH is capable of looking after him without all the extra driving ( 20 hrs pw)
Finally, not that it's any of my business but isn't it about time DH got himself a job again? I assume your children are pretty well grown now ? You shouldn't be feeling that you must work while recovering from surgery. Even done by laparoscopy it's not a walk in the park

30 mind for doggy day is far too far 10-15 mins would have been more reasonable request

I'm team daycare here (although I'm not an advocate of doggy daycare) as OP wants her husband to do her a favour while she is vulnerable and the husband is not going out of his way for her. However, it looks like daycare isn't happening.

OP you shouldn't be driving.

Make sure your lazy husband takes the damned dog out 3x a day and that it is a very lengthy walk.

What on earth does he do at home all day, now your kids are older?

I personally think you should have checked with DH first, as it seems you knew he wouldnt be keen on driving. If hes willing to take care of the dog and do the dog walks then id leave it at that and try to get your money back. Does your dog go to daycare often? If not doing 5 days a week when you have someone at home to care for him seems a bit much.

wishing you a speedy recovery

This, completely ridiculous and your insurance is invalid. Your poor DH, your expectations (and demands!) are unreasonable

He’s not though, is he?

He gave up work to be (much of the time) the sole parent because OP’s work meant frequent travelling. Their finances are now such that he hasn’t needed to work.

I do think that, for most of us proles, it’s usually necessary or desirable for the former-SAHP to return to some sort of employment but, for the mega-wealthy, there doesn’t seem much point in the former SAHP taking a low paid job just for the sake of it.

I'd be checking into a hotel for a few weeks.

You are completely unreasonable to drive during the recovery from this surgery, when you would have been specifically told not to. The fuss over the dog makes you sound daft, but putting yourself and other road users at risk because you may not be able to effectively perform an emergency stop after abdominal surgery makes you not only unreasonable, but also a bit of an idiot.

Stop worrying about your dog or your job, and rest up and look after yourself.

(Had my gall bladder out about 2 years ago...)

I was with you until the performative martyrdom of driving yourself - and trying to claim it was for the dogs benefit just makes it even worse!

Exactly this. No young kids and he doesn't work.

When anyone in our house is ill. The dogs curl up with them. It's quite nice to have a pair of brown eyes watching over you. In our case two pairs 🥰

I agree with this. I can see why he didn't back down. His solution was a good one. The OP is being controlling and a martyr, I wouldn't want to pander to that either.

OP, why couldn't you have at least have given it a day? If he hadn't taken care of the dog properly then I would have agreed with you. But as it stands it looks odd that you're making this into a big deal.

Well, this DH sure struck gold when he married the OP. Doesn’t have a job (and presumably would rather chew off his own arm than get one now), doesn’t like driving, no childcare responsibilities - how does this pampered prince fill his days?

It’s high time he pulled his manicured finger out and dealt with the dog as his hard-working convalescent wife has asked. Then perhaps some refresher driving lessons would be a good idea, as a precursor to getting an actual - horror of horrors - job.

OP says he agreed. He backtracked after. OP also says their children are now adults. I would be saying the same if it was a woman, and I’ve spent time being a SAHM myself. I consider being a SAHP a great use of time and energy and very much value it, but not when the kids are adults and your ONE job, you back out of after agreeing. What the fuck does he do all day? And if he’s agreed to something, don’t backtrack straight after the OP has an operation because he’s scared of driving or anxious or whatever it is.

Agree with pp though, if you’re so terribly unwell you need your dog out all day, you shouldn’t be martyring yourself driving to make a point. Unless the dog is absolutely nuts, a couple of walks via the SAHP husband who’s got fuck all to do should be enough.

He's a selfish fit, you know that, and it's never going to change. He's happy for you to provide his lifestyle, and give absolutely nothing back.

I think you are the mad one? Abuse?! How did you work that one out? She has not cut off any money,
nor has she required that he 'jumps to attention'.

What she has asked for, quite reasonably in my view, is that he does something for her, for 4-5 days whilst she recovers from surgery. That is it. Husband agreed and then went back on this agreement, after having driven only once. He can drive, he just doesn't fancy it. This makes the OP feel slightly resentful and she is asking a bunch of strangers on the Internet if she is being unreasonable. Many responders have taken offence to this, and the only reason I can see for this is because OP has stated that she is rich.

@SallyMcCarthy I understand you. If I was your husband I would have driven the dog. You are not being unreasonable.

Why bother having a dog? Your husband doesn’t work and can’t seem to be trusted with looking after it and you don’t seem to want it around. All this ‘doggie play care for the benefit of the dog’ is just an excuse. Poor dog.

I don't agree he struck gold when he married the OP - she has no respect for him. He's raised their joint dc at the expense of building a career. And I very much doubt the OP would have that career without his support. A job which requires lots of travelling doesn't fit with standard nursery type childcare, you would need a nanny. These are expensive when you are working your way up. Particularly if you want them to cover unsocial hours. There's a lot to he said for the peace of mind in being able to work and never worry about how your dc are being cared for. OP has benefitted from all that, she wasn't going him a favour any more than he was doing her one - this is the arrangement they chose to provide the best care for their children. It doesn't give her the right to think she can decide his time!

OP hadn't said what he does all day - he might still be taking care of everything do that OP doesn't have to.