Who's right and who's wrong out of me and my husband?

[SallyMcCarthy]

I had major abdominal surgery 2 days ago (gall bladder removal, laparoscopic surgery), and I'm now recovering at home. Knowing I was going to be having the surgery, I booked my dog into Doggy Daycare for every day between now and 22 April. My dog, Fudge, absolutely adores going to daycare. It's a wonderful place and he loves romping around with the other dogs - it's his favourite thing to do. So, I thought: I'll book him in every day for four/five hours, so I'll be able to have a calm house to recover in, and he can be having fun at daycare. I assumed my husband would be willing to drive Fudge to and from the daycare facility. For context: my husband hates being 'stuck in the car'. He finds driving stressful, whereas I love it. Doggy Daycare is a 30 minute drive from our house. While I was in hospital, my husband messaged me and said, 'The traffic was really bad this morning when I was taking Fudge to daycare, so from tomorrow onwards, I'm not going to take him. I'll just look after him at home, it's fine -- I'll take him for walks two or three times a day.' Now, Fudge totally would be fine, but he'd also be a bit bored. His favourite fun is going to play with the other dogs. He has such a wonderful time. And I very much want to recover gently from my operation and ideally do some work too (I have a backlog waiting for me, once I have enough energy) and it would be so much harder for me if there were a bouncy bored dog in the house all day during this period. Another thing, for context, is that I am the sole breadwinner. I earn a lot of money, and my husband hasn't worked for about 15 years (he gave up his job to be at home with the kids because my job required constant travel in those days.)

So, I said to him, 'Listen, I really really want a quiet house so I can work, and for Fudge to go to daycare. Please, please will you drive him there and back while I recover? Just for maybe five days, and then I should be strong enough to drive him myself.' And my husband said no. He said he didn't mind having Fudge at home and would far rather that, and walk him several times, than take him to daycare with all the driving involved. And I just wanted Fudge to have the most fun possible, and for me to have the quiet time I craved too...so I ended up driving Fudge to and from daycare yesterday, the actual day after my abdominal surgery. And I drove him there again today, and will pick him up this afternoon - even though I feel tender and weak and barely recovered. Husband sees me doing this and still doesn't say, 'Look if it means that much to you, I'll drive him there and back.' Am I being unreasonable to think he should just have driven the dog to day care for the days I can't do it?

Doggy daycare - peak mumsnet. I've absolutely heard it all now!!!

Your stubbornness is incredible. Do you ever compromise? You didn't even try it your husband's way for one day. It had to be your way. Who cares about the people you put at risk by driving straight after surgery. I get the impression that you think he owes you (or that you own him?) for "giving" him the luxurious life he has, and because of this you should have the final say over what happens in your household.

How is your plan to "recover gently" and "do some work" working out for you when 2 hours of your day is spent taxiing a dog around?

Your husband is a dick but that is not major surgery. I was back to normal after 24/48 hrs and i had 5 horses.
However, yanbu on ur actual question. But dont waste money on day care when ur husband can walk the dog all day

Your husband is being unreasonable. He hasn’t worked for 15 years!! Given he’s fully subsidised by you (surely he doesn’t still need to be a SAHD), he should have taken the dog.

YABU. A gall bladder removal is not ‘major abdominal surgery’! Secondly, a 30 minute drive each way to drop off a dog is excessive.

Blimey, I haven't read the whole thread, but am amazed at the horrified responses that the poor man has to drive 2 whole hours a day for a few days while his wife recovers from surgery.

If your doctor hasn't signed you off as fit to drive, or if your post op records give a time frame for driving then you won't be insured to drive.. it's a silly risk to take just to prove a point, the dog isn't going to combust.

I'm torn on this though, on the one hand, does the dog REALLY need to be in the car 2 hours everyday, the answer is no, of course he doesn't, does your husband need to step up while you're recovering, yes.

I would say the dog thing is a WANT though not a NEED, so it's reasonable of him to refuse to do it, I wouldn't have asked my DH to do this if he hates driving.

Are you sure you don't think of him as a bit of an employee at times?

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

And he’s done his bit raising YOUR children. He’s entitled to stay home reading and doing yoga now.

That husband would be called controlling and there would be an outpouring of outrage.

2 hours - there and back twice

Bad form to mention breadwinner as if the stay at home parent has less right to an opinion.

2h of driving a day is too much for most, even those who don't hate driving.

Is this more about you wanting Fudge to have fun OR recovering quietly? Because if your husband takes care of Fudge at home, won't that let you recover peacefully? Also if it really was about recovery, would you really be putting your body through driving 2h a day everyday? I think it's fair to want to spoil your dog a bit but you have to be honest about it

my husband has been able to be rich
That phrase alone would make me team husband!

Yeah... All these lazy parasite SAHMs need to know their place and drive their husband's pet ferret 2h a day to ferret daycare, to show their gratitude to their benevolent charitable husbands

Not read many PPs but you do know most doggy day care collect and return dogs to their homes. They are given key to the dog's owner's house.

Yabu. 2 hours driving for 4 hours dog entertainment is ludicrous. Also laprascopic gall bladder surgery is really very minor, I was pretty much back to normal within a day albeit the shoulder pain was unpleasant! If you want a bit of relaxation time that's fine but using your surgery as an excuse to send your dog off miles away is not reasonable, you really aren't going to be that incapacitated.

LTB

Surely if money is no object just hire a car service to take/return the dog to daycare.

Your poor husband! What a palaver!

Can we stop calling him a SAHP, the kids are grown up- there’s no parenting to be done!!!

I'm sorry, I know that you're doing what you think is best but your husband has given a very reasonable explanation as to why he doesn't want to drive two hours a day and also come up with a way of still managing the dog.

YABU .. But that comes PURELY because you've driven with totally invalid insurance and put other road users at risk by doing so. Not to mention you and the dog. Should he have stepped in and had a discussion when you said you'd drive the day after surgery? Maybe that would have been nice. But you're the one who got in the car when it was illegal to do so. And that, as far as I'm concerned, is the massive issue here.

What a princess 😂. My husband would have refused on the spot, but would have walked the dog at a time and place of his choosing.

I can understand your pov, to an extent. But it would be better to have a discussion with your dh rather than passive aggressively driving the dog yourself.

What would happen if you said “dh, I’m feeling a bit let down …”

My other question is whether he’d actually stick to his promise to walk the dog several times a day, or would he stop at the first shower of rain.

You sound quite resentful of your division of labour. Is this something you’re able to talk about together?

If communication is hard, would you consider couples counselling?? What’s the relationship like otherwise?

I hope your recovery goes well.

2 x hour long round trips… the dog should be able to chill at home and have a few walks per day… he shouldn’t need constant supervision.

Do taxis not exist in your area? Even if they wouldn’t take the woof on his own, you or husband could ride with him. And work. Since you earn loads anyway.

I can’t get over him being a SAHP to actual ADULTS 😂