Who's right and who's wrong out of me and my husband?

[SallyMcCarthy]

I had major abdominal surgery 2 days ago (gall bladder removal, laparoscopic surgery), and I'm now recovering at home. Knowing I was going to be having the surgery, I booked my dog into Doggy Daycare for every day between now and 22 April. My dog, Fudge, absolutely adores going to daycare. It's a wonderful place and he loves romping around with the other dogs - it's his favourite thing to do. So, I thought: I'll book him in every day for four/five hours, so I'll be able to have a calm house to recover in, and he can be having fun at daycare. I assumed my husband would be willing to drive Fudge to and from the daycare facility. For context: my husband hates being 'stuck in the car'. He finds driving stressful, whereas I love it. Doggy Daycare is a 30 minute drive from our house. While I was in hospital, my husband messaged me and said, 'The traffic was really bad this morning when I was taking Fudge to daycare, so from tomorrow onwards, I'm not going to take him. I'll just look after him at home, it's fine -- I'll take him for walks two or three times a day.' Now, Fudge totally would be fine, but he'd also be a bit bored. His favourite fun is going to play with the other dogs. He has such a wonderful time. And I very much want to recover gently from my operation and ideally do some work too (I have a backlog waiting for me, once I have enough energy) and it would be so much harder for me if there were a bouncy bored dog in the house all day during this period. Another thing, for context, is that I am the sole breadwinner. I earn a lot of money, and my husband hasn't worked for about 15 years (he gave up his job to be at home with the kids because my job required constant travel in those days.)

So, I said to him, 'Listen, I really really want a quiet house so I can work, and for Fudge to go to daycare. Please, please will you drive him there and back while I recover? Just for maybe five days, and then I should be strong enough to drive him myself.' And my husband said no. He said he didn't mind having Fudge at home and would far rather that, and walk him several times, than take him to daycare with all the driving involved. And I just wanted Fudge to have the most fun possible, and for me to have the quiet time I craved too...so I ended up driving Fudge to and from daycare yesterday, the actual day after my abdominal surgery. And I drove him there again today, and will pick him up this afternoon - even though I feel tender and weak and barely recovered. Husband sees me doing this and still doesn't say, 'Look if it means that much to you, I'll drive him there and back.' Am I being unreasonable to think he should just have driven the dog to day care for the days I can't do it?

I’m not sure what your wealth has to do with this but seeing as you’ve mentioned it twice, could you arrange a doggy chauffeur to doggy day care?

Husband doesn't work so 10 hours out of a whole week as a one off shouldn't be too much of an ask. I'd be annoyed.

I understand why you'd want to do that. I would have okayed it with my husband first, because it's 2 hours of driving every day.

Is he always this selfish? If yes, divorce him.

Two hours a day for doggy daycare is a lot - you should have discussed this with your husband first. I can see why he doesn't want to do it - if he can walk the dog, keep it entertained and out of your way, I don't see the problem. I don't know why the dog would need to be physically out of the house for you to recover - she could be downstairs and you upstairs for most of the day? Also, sounds like your husband may suffer from driving anxiety / phobia - very common, but men feel less able to talk about it openly, so will go for excuses about 'heavy traffic' etc.

Husband did initially agree to do it for 4/5 days, then suddenly changed mind when I was in hospital and he encountered one traffic jam.

That quote was from OPs second post.

I'm still of the opinion that husband is being a dick and if he were mine I'd be raging.

I had the same surgery last year and you shouldn’t be driving. I was advised not to for two weeks, it’s not safe so you are being unreasonable in that regard.

I agree probably your husband should just do it considering but I would be interested in knowing how you asked him, however, I think I would try and find a compromise where you can find the house restful enough but dog doesn’t have to be in daycare, like your husband having him out for the majority of the day or something.

I must ask my dog what her very favourite thing is. Actually I think I can guess - it’s barking at all the cats that come into our garden, keeps her happy for hours.

Sorry op but if your dh was actually going to walk the dog then it’s just something you’d like as opposed to it being needed. (sorry!!)

YANBU.
Your kids are adults, he doesn’t work, what does he do all day that he can’t spend two hours driving? Many people (myself included) spend more than two hours a day driving to and from work.

YABU. Spending an hour in traffic so Fudge can have a lovely day lol. He offered to walk him. No need for doggy day care.

Unless, of course, you come back and say DH is mega lazy and does nothing around the house, in which case you have bigger problems.

OP wants a quiet house.

Perhaps you'd be better booking yourself into a hotel for 5 days and letting DH and Fudge have a nice time at home.

I think YABU, you know he doesn’t like driving but you are expecting him to drive 2 hours every day. He probably didn’t realise how much longer it would take with traffic etc. Hes offering to care for the dog and walk the dog several times a day. Just ask him to keep the dog in a seperate room so you can rest and get some work done.

He only offered to take the dog for 4/5 days anyway so I’m guessing after that you were planning to take the dog yourself? The dog will be fine at home with several walks for 4/5 days.

How do you know it's the doggie's favourite fun ever; do you ask him?

I don’t understand why you would send a dog to daycare unless the alternative was it being left in an empty house or with someone unable to look after it.

What breed is Fudge? He must be crazy high energy if he’s not happy with several walks. Maybe try some settle training to make it easier on you both.

Would doggy day care provide a pickup for him? Ours does this for about £4 extra.

10 lapiroscopic surgery's done here. have dogs wouldn't have dreamed putting them in day care let alone one half an hours drive away. husband walked them day after surgery. neighbour and friends helped out next day or two. however by third day I was up and about no issues and walking them myslef. they loved the fact I was home actually in bed and on the sofa lounging with me.

If he doesn't have a job and lives off your money then the least he can do is drive the dog to daycare. Imagine him letting you do it post surgery! Initially I thought the 30 mins each way was ridiculous but as he hasn't anything much else to do then less so. I wouldn't be happy with him at all.

Yabvu for driving!!!!

You're absolutely not insured if you're driving. Could be two - six weeks before you are, and you need the doctors OK also. If you crashed your car (your fault or not) you wouldn't be covered even if it's nothing to do with your surgery.

Compromise, do alternate days? Xx

Don’t drive the dog when you’re in pain. Take DH up on his offer, he can walk the dog a few times a day instead and if the dog is bored and bouncy ask DH to keep him out of the way.

You're a martyr, stop it! Not cool or safe.

Don't play the high earner card as a way to control someone. Also very uncool.

Has husband kept the dog out of the way? It is a dog by the way. Not a human. Doggy day care sounds absolutely barmy to me.

Get well soon. Stop putting a dog before your own health. Husband has got this.

Is he a shared dog? Or yours? I think that makes a difference.
I was able to do normal stuff the day after my op even though I was instructed to take things easy.