A son is a son until he finds a wife, a daughter is a daughter for life

[Eminemmilkshake]

AIBU to find this comment offensive, sexist and untrue?
Its something DH family say often, suggesting I have ‘taken’ him from them and that my son will be taken one day too. Apparently my DDs will never leave.
My eldest DD is a teen and spends a lot of time with her boyfriend. I rarely spent time at home as a teen and I eventually went NC with my parents for various reasons. I know plenty of men who spend more time with their parents than their sisters do. Outdated comments like this need to stop being spouted, have any of you been the focus of this statement?

Yes, there is a lot of truth in that. I get on well with my SIL and DIL, as well as my son, but DD and I have the closest relationship.

Just out of interest, have you read the thread?

I think everyone can see that it’s a sexist saying!

Do you think there is such a thing as social trends/ norms or do you think everyone operates in a sort of vacuum?

That's the thing - the people who trot this saying out are just very invested in the idea that everyone conforms to an old-fashioned norm, and they can't really comprehend that many people, for many reasons, simply don't, and it's not a norm any more.

That's so true and that's one of the reasons why boys are more valued in Indian culture: they are expected to financially support their parents when they are older and live close to them.

Definitely not true in my case , my mum and I have a dreadful relationship, I get on really well with my mil.

No idea but I hope not! My MIL considers me the daughter she never had and we model a good relationship; so am thinking my boys will do the same.

I think everyone knows it’s not really ‘the norm’ for many people today. But it came from a description of social norms and is based in those sexist norms.

The posters saying dismissively that it’s ‘just bollocks’ are missing the point.

We see my parents and DH's parents a fairly equal amount.
I'm more likely to go on a day trip or weekend away with my mum because she's on her own and because we are 2 women, whereas DH wouldn't want to do that with his mum, but that's not because my mum is 'favoured' in any way.
My BIL is very close to his mum - closer than my SIL is to her mum - and they do a lot with her as a family.

From the outside looking in I think that's how it would appear in dhs family but the reality is his mum favours her daughter's and granddaughters over her son's and grandsons. The females get financial help, unlimited free childcare (because they have girls) constant calls, constant meet ups and communications and endless praise for doing relatively normal day to day things.

The sons get hefty childcare bills whilst hearing how hard life is for said "poor" female relative from MIL, virtually no praise, the slightest mention of her favourites "struggling' financially prompts her to help financially and ignore the fact that the favourite has spent hundreds on nights out. The sons also get what little time MIL has left for them because most of her time is dedicated to her favourite female family members and there relentless demands but even then this time can often be interrupted by the females as they "need" aka want more childcare or her attention.

As a result MIL has a poor relationship with her son's and grandsons. She blames everyone but herself. I always encouraged DH and our boys to have a relationship with her but had to stop as she only hurt them by always putting them bottom of her list. Her other son's pulled back to for the same reasons I believe.

Thankfully not all the females in DHS family are only out for what they can get and actually do try do what's best for MIL but certainly a couple are and have fully taken advantage of MIL but she lets them.

You reap what you sow. If a mother chooses her daughter's over her son's then it's a self fulfilling prophecy that a "son's a son till he takes a wife"

Tell that to the people going "oooh well there's truth to that" as though they actively like the idea of it.

If it's not the norm for people today then it's archaic, increasingly irrelevant and completely pointless as a "saying". You may as well be talking about dowries as a cultural norm.

I think it is more often true when I look at the relationships in my family, but there are exceptions.

surely the level of MIL hatred, and favouring of DMs over MILs, tells you something?

Ah yes your right, whereas most men prefer their MiL over their own mother, don’t they?!
It’s said by women who didn’t raise their sons to care for other people, to think about cards and gifts on special occasions, or to think it’s their responsibility to organise seeing their own family etc.

Nothing childlike about using your family for emotional and practical support it doesn't mean asking for permission or bowing down.
It's actually very mature to accept your not an island and others can offer valuable support unlike the teenage "what do you know your old"

My sisters and many friends have lovely ILs and are very close. But those mils are warm fun and good company! I frequently have mil envy. My own is the exact opposite of that description

As the only daughter and scapegoat, it always felt like a threat when my mother said it.

Tell that to the people going "oooh well there's truth to that" as though they actively like the idea of it.

I think you’re reading that into it. Generally women don’t like sexist bullshit because it’s stacked against them!

People are saying ‘yes, I recognise the truth of this because women were trained to bear the domestic load.”

Describing what you see isn’t condoning it. If a woman describes the fact that women do the lion’s share of domestic labour (or quotes some old toxic saying about that situation), she’s just telling it like it is. No point pretending.

Nothing like dowries really.

My DM has moved near me for support as she ages. She was originally geographically closer to my brother but explained that "of course" he won't help as she gets older.

I have a good relationship with my MIL but spotted over the years that she looks on with envy at her sister and nieces and wishes she had a daughter.

I think it's partly to do with reliance on someone the same sex as we age. A kind of vulnerability that increases with age.

As a mother of sons I can’t say it’s something I’ve got offended by or given much thought to. It can be true that if the son marries and his wife is very close to her mother then that mother can become the main grandparent, as in the daughter will visit her mum with baby more than she’ll visit mil.

I have a very good relationship with my sons so I don’t envisage being left out in the cold by either of them when (if) they marry/have kids.

Of course it's rubbish. I loathed my mother.... I was much closer to my in laws.

Agree entirely with this

Arghhhhhh! But do you think your one isolated example negates the social trends of centuries?!

To clarify, it isn’t a good state of affairs if men detach from their family as soon as they marry, but it has definitely been a trend through time due to the different gendered roles dictated by society.

Pretty true in my experience and as the wife I am thankful it is!

People believe what they see around them and plenty seem to think there's some truth in this saying. In my case, I don't see any truth in it at all. My brothers (both married) are very close to my parents and see them more than I do. My DH is equally close to his mum - takes her away for weekends, just the two of them, calls her several times a week. He's staying with her now actually. My male friends make an effort to keep in touch with their mums and visit frequently. My male neighbour moved in with his mum when she was old and frail to become her full time carer. He has two sisters who live nearby but don't bother with the mum.
How many posts are there on Mumsnet of women complaining that their DHs want their mums to come round or be involved with the grandchildren? There are loads of posts about this with DILs wanting more distance. To me, this doesn't paint a picture of men who forget about their parents once they're married.
Conversely, I have several female friends who don't get on with their mums at all. One friend hasn't seen her mum for years, one friend currently isn't talking to her mum.
You may say these are all isolated cases but to me they're not. It's simply that nearly every man I know is a good son and close to their parents.

YABU.