A son is a son until he finds a wife, a daughter is a daughter for life

[Eminemmilkshake]

AIBU to find this comment offensive, sexist and untrue?
Its something DH family say often, suggesting I have ‘taken’ him from them and that my son will be taken one day too. Apparently my DDs will never leave.
My eldest DD is a teen and spends a lot of time with her boyfriend. I rarely spent time at home as a teen and I eventually went NC with my parents for various reasons. I know plenty of men who spend more time with their parents than their sisters do. Outdated comments like this need to stop being spouted, have any of you been the focus of this statement?

You were so lucky to have that kind of relationship with your MIL. That's a true gift in life.

It's true in my family.

It is a sexist statement, born out of stereotypes of old, maybe?

But it’s not totally untrue, now is it? Mothers of married men… how often do you see your sons and your DILs?

Well said!! I bet several of the posters saying it is rubbish are the same ones constantly whining about their ILs. Apparently their partners mothers (especially) shouldn't have a say in anything, but it's okay for their own mothers. On MN it's a given that sons should step back from their mothers - thus proving the point of the saying.

In my family (and wider family) it seems to be geographical distance that determines who has the closer relationships with parents over anything else. My uncle lived a few streets away from my Nan so saw her frequently, she helped look after her granddaughters a lot and played a huge role in their childhood. Whereas my mum lived a few hours drive away so we didn’t have as close a relationship with my Nan.

As far as I'm concerned, neither mother gets a say in anything.

From someone who has a shit ton of siblings and a very large family, it does seem mostly true. I agree it’s dependent on the family and the relationship, but it also seems true for a lot of other families I know. Plus, if anything, my male siblings were always treated better than me and my sisters…

My DH also doesn’t have much of a relationship with his mum, but that’s down to her. A lot of people on here like to complain about the way women ‘hate their MILs’ but sometimes there can be genuine reason! My MIL couldn’t give a shit about my DH or her GC but likes to complain to others that we don’t make any effort when in fact it’s the complete opposite!

I'm working on not raising my male DCs to need me for the practical mom stuff... whoever they decide they want to be with (jury is out atm) I don't want that person to have to do stuff for them and neither do I plan to do it any longer than I need to... the goal is to equip them not stunt them

I hope the friendship that I assume is alluded to in "a daughter for life" is something I can grow with them in adulthood... like I hope they like me and want to hang out with me as adults and emotionally we're close enough to talk often

As it stands they're gonna be millionaires apparently and my suggestion of a shepherds hut (a very nice one) down the bottom of a garden for me for babysitting any grandkids was met with telling me I had to live in the big house too... not sure if future partners will appreciate the live in in law but apparently the house will be big enough for everyone 🤣

There is another one I have heard lose a son gain a daughter when a son gets married.
I take it to mean that daughter in-law will take over all the keeping in touch with family stuff

So to phrase it another way, a man achieves full independent adulthood when he has a family of his own to look after, whereas a woman will remain in the childlike role of “daughter” for their entire lives.

I’m surprised so many women embrace this sexist shite.

It seems mostly true in my experience too.
I have two older teen sons.
Maybe the fact that daughters (IME only) are favoured over sons all their lives has something to do with it. Like some kind of conditioning.

My MIL quoted this to me and it upset me but I don't understand why it was upsetting!

Was going to say the same!

My MIL had two sons - neither of which care for her very much because she's an absolute nightmare. Certain visits and birthdays etc are all done out of duty.

Whereas I'm very close to my mum, and DH is too.

It's easier for MIL to make out that I stole her child from her when in essence she's toxic, overbearing, negative and doesn't bring much to relationship at all other than asking for favours.

I was the only girl in my sibling group, I have quite a lot of brothers.

My mum used to say this to me. It drove me mad and made me feel like she expected me to be tied to her forever whereas my brothers got to go and live their own lives.

It's turned out that I've moved much further away than any of the boys. In fact, most of them still live less than 5 miles away from where we grew up. Only one has moved away.

With comments like this, it's no wonder that gender confusion is such an issue. Why would you want to be female with messaging like this?! When I was a child, I really wanted to be a boy, because this was the messaging I heard.

Well of course it’s sexist but you only have to spend a couple of hours on munsnet to realise it holds water! Look at all the women on here who are mothering their husbands- doing all their washing feeding them every night, doing all the bloody cleaning, getting very little thanks. Their DHs are just extra kids!!!
Don’t like the saying don’t buy into the set up!

If you'd always assume that, you'd be wrong and should check your agism and sexism because your one experience shouldn't be projected on to everyone. It stands to reason surely that there are going to be as many possessive controlling DiL who want to keep their sons mother in her place than there are the other way round, because that type of behaviour is based on the character of the woman, not her role, and women don't suddenly go from being perfectly reasonable to a nightmare the day their son marries. You can bet your life that women who treat their son as a possession and believe their DiL stole him were once DiLs who treated their husband as their possession and were jealous of his mum. Just as the sons who dont bother with their mums when they have a wife to run around after them are the same men that one day have wives that complain about their neglect of them and their family.

Anyway, the saying isn't women 'bleating', it's mainly just women commenting on what they see to be the case in our society where men are not encouraged to keep close ties with their family of birth in the way women are. Where they're excused familial and caring responsibility and where for some reason women persist in going head to head with each other competing for the limited attention he is willing to offer them.

Sorry but I’m another one who thinks it’s broadly true.
My friends and I all have children in their 20/30’s who all went off to university and now mostly live in different counties to their parents.
I have noticed the young women all regularly call/test: visit their parents whilst the young men due so much less. Even then it’s usually mum who is making all the effort with contact.
eg my friend's son is getting married in June. I was asking her about the arrangements and she seems to know very little. When her daughter got married she would spend lots of time telling me every detail,

I’d never thought of it that way, but ain’t that the truth!! We tend to take on the mental load of present buying, arranging get togethers etc.
My in laws used to send my DH’s parking and speeding fines to deal with (his car was still registered at their address) until I told them where to stick them!!

Meaningless doggerel.

My own DH remained very close to his mum until she died. It's very normal in his culture for adult men to stay close to their parents though.

I do see a lot of truth in that statement in what I read on MN though. Men who are deemed to be too close to their mums are often frowned upon by people who seem determined that they should put their wives first. I don't usually see the same insistence that women shouldn't be too close to their parents.

I suspect that there are probably some double standards going on. Some women want their sons to remain close to them forever, but they don't necessarily want their husbands to be too close to their MILs.

From experience, I've found this to be frequently true, most sayings have some truth in them.

I broadly agree with you here. This bit stood out though:

and where for some reason women persist in going head to head with each other competing for the limited attention he is willing to offer them.

I think the reason for this competition is based in misogyny too. Women have been hardwired to compete with each other for millennia; power was tied to men, so women competed to align themselves with men. Male attention was the prize because it equalled security and second-hand power. These patterns are hard to break.

My husband must have missed that memo thankfully.

My brother contacted my parents on birthdays/Christmas and mothers/father’s day. When in a relationship or no 😂 no more no less. I flit between could contact every day, might not talk for weeks. It’s whatever.

My dh contacts his parents when he wants/needs something. His sister will be in phone/text contact daily, always asking for childcare how to make this food or that food.

I do recall however even at the start of our relationship getting the “get him to come home more” “get him to call more” we got together as teenagers and my mother welcomed any random into the house by that I mean me or my brother could rock up with a new friend and they where in could sleep over, could wait for us if we where out, I wasn’t really allowed or welcomed at dh’s family home for many years so as such he wasn’t home much.

Then we moved into our own place. So I guess in their eyes he got a gf and fucked off, but if I had been welcomed and not made to feel so uncomfortable when I was allowed round they would have seen him far more.

I don’t push him to make contact, I buy the presents and cards mostly. With the odd reminder so maybe invite for a bbq or something.

Load of sexiest rubbish. We’re much closer with my husbands parents than mine. It’s about personalities and effort in relationships. And a very heteronormative comment to make.