A son is a son until he finds a wife, a daughter is a daughter for life

[Eminemmilkshake]

AIBU to find this comment offensive, sexist and untrue?
Its something DH family say often, suggesting I have ‘taken’ him from them and that my son will be taken one day too. Apparently my DDs will never leave.
My eldest DD is a teen and spends a lot of time with her boyfriend. I rarely spent time at home as a teen and I eventually went NC with my parents for various reasons. I know plenty of men who spend more time with their parents than their sisters do. Outdated comments like this need to stop being spouted, have any of you been the focus of this statement?

Whilst I would have loved to have had a daughter, who knows how it would have gone? I’m inordinately fond of my sons’ long-term girlfriends. Lucky that I get on with them and they make my sons happy.

Oh fgs. Like all old adages it has an element of truth in it. People get offended at anything these days. Get a life.

I’m not sure that makes it bollocks: it just means it doesn’t apply to you.

Exactly this! Of course it's not BOLLOCKS. It happens to LOADS of mothers of sons... They get pushed out, and are second best to the daughter-in-law's mum. It happens WAY more than the other way around ... Daughters very rarely become more of a part of their husband's family's life, than their own family. I have actually personally never known a daughter become part of her husband's family's life a lot more than her own parents.

@BinkyBeaufort 's situation is pretty immaterial, as her DC are not yet married and have no children yet (she never mentioned any children anyway!)

When a couple get married, the majority of them generally still keep a reasonable level of contact with both sides of the family...

However, there is often a seismic shift (as BINKY will see with HER son) when the couple start having children. Her daughter-in-law's mother will trump BINKY, every time. She will be Grandma 2. (The daughter-in-law's mother being Grandma 1 of course.)

My 2 (both daughters, mid 20s,) do have some contact with their partners parents, and they see them some months, as much as they see us. But when they have children, they will almost certainly be in mine and DH's lives more than their partners families.

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I'm a single mum to 4 DS. This was spouted at me alot. "You'll need to get yourself a husband or you'll be lonely when they leave."
In truth, I see more of DS1 and his GF than her parents. DS2-4 still live at home so I see a lot of them.

It was true for my parents. We saw my maternal GPs a lot more than the other side but I think that was down to them. My Grandma would look after us regularly. My Nanna rarely. In fact I was about 8/9 and I remember her coming over to babysit me and my siblings. As she walked in the door, she told us when she was going home.

Well, someone's got a chip on their shoulders about mothers! Lucky you being able to breeze through life without any parental advice. There is a difference between advice and interference you know, and obviously I was talking about the former.

I think it's different when someone is dying.
What are the wider dynamics do the daughters have families? Does the son? Who lives close? What was the childhood experience etc?

Are there any grandchildren yet? Your other sons still live at home so who knows

Advice is not 'having a say' though, is it, which is the terminology you use. Having a say means decision making capacity, which they don't have in regards to my children, my marriage, my home or my life. Nothing wrong with asking for advice from mothers, of course.

For me, it has links to a Bible verse in Romans, I think, but I agree it's outdated.

Reading posts about GPS who do loads more for the children of their DDs rather than their DSs/DILs though, I think some people hang onto it too much, to justify fairly toxic behaviour.

It’s a lot of shite IMO. I know lots of families just as close to the male partner’s parents as the female one. We are no longer blessed with my MIL sadly but she’d have been every much a part of our lives as my mum and dad.

It's a saying that's been around for many years when most families still lived close to each other, and then it was true. If you had a daughter, they'd always be spending all special events with their families after having kids, Sunday lunch etc and would remain close. Men who married and had kids would be doing the same at their wives family. I think nowadays with people living in different places, and relationship dynamics having changed, it's less true.

I actually do think that was the case a generation ago but it’s not now. My DH (47) has a wonderful relationship with his mum (and dad) and we see them as often as we can. My dad on the other hand would never visit his mum (my gran) if it wasn’t for my mum making him go. My mum is a better ‘daughter’ to my gran than her own children are. She has all boys who are in their 60’s and 70’s. It’s definitely an older generational thing.

Good grief. Its just a saying based on truth. Yabvu to get offended by it. Pick a more worthy battle.

Sexist yes. Bullshit no. In my family this is true sadly. Agree with previous posters highlighting mil posts and also husbands spending time with their mothers and demonised for it because they are not prioritising their wife/partner.

We spent more time with my dhs family over the years than my parents. My dh visits his parents (all live in same small town) more often than I visit mine but we all get on with each others parents. Its total nonsense.

Its interesting how often the people claiming its complete BS, and how fabulous the mother and son relationships are in their family, go on to describe various self policing measures they employ or intend to use to ensure its that way. The conclusion seems to be that the mother/married son relationship will be excellent provided the mother in question stays within certain behavioural guidelines. Always please your DiL, never assume you will be a priority for your son. Never expect any more of his time than he and your DDil believe to be your due, accept you won't do certain things together anymore...which is great, and I'm sure does help with harmony.
What it doesn't do is discredit the saying. Because I have never known of a woman apply all this to a married daughter, to worry about not displeasing their SiL, find the things they do with their adult child curtailed (unless SiL is controlling, that is), and accept they have a new place in the daughters affections that is lower than their SiL. It's just not a thing that occurs to mothers of daughters in the same way. And that's what the saying means.

I’ve never heard this but it rings true in our family, my sister and I live very close to our parents and are at their house weekly, my brother we all went nc with after we found out he was abusive and manipulated his ex fiancée into thinking our parents were the abusive ones.

Well...It has been true for my brother and I. We were all close but my sister in law isn´t a sharer. My mum confided in me that if they ever had a child she was sure she would be able to see less of it that of mine, even though I live 600Km away. My brother is a softy with his wife and up to now has followed her lead. Now comes the disclaimer. My mum has been dianosed with Alzheimers and he has massively stepped up much to my SIL´s chagrin. He confessed to my aunt that he has had some problems with her as she objects to him spending so much time helping out his mother. So one never knows. I think this old saying has a center of truth, like all old sayings.

Ime

Girls at (on a broad level) slightly better/more inclined at putting in effort to maintain family relationships.

How i see this play out amongst the families i know is:
The 25% of families with close relationships, both sons & daughters make the effort (and both parents) to maintain.
The 25% with poor relationships, no one keeps in touch well/makes effort be it sons, daughters, parents.
For a big chunk in the middle its a big mix, but in general a slightly higher proportion of daughters (and mothers) make the bulk of the effort to maintain relationships. The effort is higher on both sides between mothers & daughters so they tend to do slightly better than mothers & sons or fathers & sons.

My DH is a classic example. It just doesn't occur to him to call or text his parents that often. I try to coordinate to see them (we all get along well) but its not my job to make sure we do. He doesn't text or call me much either but because he lives with me the effort he has to make is that much lower....

His sister however makes much more effort to call/text her mum & dad and it fosters a closer relationship.

I personally think it has something to do with the fact that mothers generally ( only broadly speaking mind you SaHFs!) tend to attend to the greater part of looking after the children. That means there’s less “ cultural” ( in terms of family culture) difference between how the children are brought up- not necessarily big things but all the minutiae you absorbed from your upbringing but don’t think about that makes up a day like how high you fill the glass with juice for them. That tends to mean children slot more easily into life with maternal gp.

I get on well with my IL but definitely get more comments of surprise like “ oh are they still breastfeeding?” Or” oh do they still take teddy to bed?” ( that one was when dc was about 20 months! DH just didn’t have plush toys). They aren’t big issues - probably even just asked so the IL can make sure they are doing the right thing rather than to cast aspersions on it. But it isn’t as natural for me if, for instance, I had to leave dcs at short notice. I could push them through DM’s door and know she’d get 90per cent of those little, seemingly insignificant things right instinctively - because without even thinking I have absorbed her approach in my upbringing and passed them on.

I’m afraid I agree.

Exactly! I used to harass my oh to ring his mum, I’d encourage my toddler to speak to her on the phone etc as we lived a few hours apart.
We want to visit probably 6/7 years ago now and MIL cornered me to complain how she never hears of oh, when he was with his ex he’d ring daily and she’d see him at least once a week etc. (she much preferred his ex and was not happy with me as a dil but that’s a whole other story) that day I stopped telling him to ring her, I could count on my hands the amount of times he’s rang her since then, he replies if she texts and we see her a few times a year. That said I don’t ring my mother either, but when my dad was alive I spoke to him regularly and saw him most weeks, and I speak to my brother a few times a week.

This!
Its true in many families that I know of.
I adored my MIL and I made more of an effort with her than my husband when she was alive but if I hadn't he would have rarely seen her.
I have 5 close girlfriends, every one of them can't stand their MIL's, two are no contact at all.
I work in an all female environment where there are daily complaints about MIL's and even my own sister hardly ever sees her sons now they are in relationships.

Sounds like your MIL is jealous, she should grow up and get over herself. However your husband must love you if she feels threatened so I guess in a way that's a compliment (?) 😉 my MIL is a bit of a prick at times, but it just makes me feel smug as her son is bessoted with me and she knows it, and plus I always punch back (a good-natured sparing sesh seems to keep her in check, for the most part)