Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to stop DD having holidays?

246 replies

PomPomDahlia27 · 10/04/2024 10:21

DH and I stopped family holidays 12 years ago as it was too hard because both DD1 and DD2 have SEN. Since then DH and DD2 have gone on mini breaks around the UK 2 or 3 times a year while I stay at home with DD1. Everyone has been happy with this arrangement.

Now DD2 is a young adult this isn’t working so well because she feels DH doesn’t meet her needs properly in terms of reassurance and controlling her anxiety. He just about covers her physical needs although they frequently bicker because he doesn’t do things the way she likes.

They’ve just come home early from a week away because DD was so stressed and DH couldn’t calm her down.

Looking ahead, what do I do?

DD does have paid carers some of the time but DH doesn’t want to go away on holiday with a carer in tow, and also we would have to pay for their room and meals.

The obvious answer is for me to go with them purely to be the mediator and counsellor etc so we will have the extra the cost plus I don’t actually want to go at all tbh. I don’t like going away, I hate the activities they enjoy so literally I will spend my time following them around just being her carer.

But it seems that if I don’t agree then DD won’t have anymore holidays as it’s just not working with DH anymore.

AIBU to say I won’t go?

OP posts:
JWhipple · 10/04/2024 19:36

Maybe a week is too long, maybe having more shorter breaks is better?

Arabels · 10/04/2024 19:51

This thread is the most incredible window into how deep some mothers can dig to support their children. OP you are amazing. It does sound like it’s time for some things to change but don’t give yourself a hard time for how you got here.

Bloom15 · 10/04/2024 19:58

BreatheAndFocus · 10/04/2024 18:56

She has a few friends at Uni who she meets up with eg for coffee or a couple of drinks, but not really good friends. Certainly nobody she would go away with

I think it’s possible to make a very good guess as to why that is. She sounds very demanding, like a spoilt child. Indulging her every whim is doing her no favours. In fact, it’s feeding this behaviour IMO - to her detriment.

No wonder she doesn’t have any close friends. Who’d want to have to swallow every comment on the weather, etc etc, in case it set your DD off. Who’d want a trip out with her where everyone had to bow to her demands?

I expect some of her ‘anxiety’ at uni, which necessitates trips home every few days, is connected to this. Give her the tools to cope in the real world.

This is a little harsh but I agree.

I am NT but have (officially diagnosed) anxiety and have a breakdown after DS was born. I was in a constant state of anxiety and terror at what could happen. I had to develop strategies to help myself and so does your DD2 needs to do OP

Delphiniumandlupins · 10/04/2024 20:30

I think you can say you won't go because you are not getting any break, otherwise. I also think your DH needs a break sometimes, either alone or with you. Your other DD can cope alone you say and DD2 has carers at uni so I think everybody needs to know occasionally that you are not available.

Your DH needs to think whether his comments are adding anything to a conversation, as at least one DD seems unable to understand when he's not being serious. Also, although it's difficult for your DD she needs to remind herself that not all comments are about her, ie her dad can think he needs to go to bed without it being a criticism of her staying up later. If she wants to go on holiday she has to get along with her dad.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 10/04/2024 20:33

but he should know better shouldn't he?

No, he should not be enabling her and neither should you - by listening and reassuring her you are perpetuating the situation. As long as you continue as you are, why would she change? Your DH is doing the best thing for her, it is time for her to accept that she needs to manage her own feelings. That will be a process and not easy, and she will need support and help with that. But she has to accept this basic idea, and at the moment she is resisting it - and you are letting her.

tattygrl · 10/04/2024 20:34

Two things have occurred to me reading your responses, OP.

One is that you said that carers facilitate dependency. It shouldn't really be like that. Good carers should of course meet the needs of the person they're caring for, but they shouldn't create learned dependency. There's a difference between doing things for someone they can't do themselves, and actually reducing their skills and abilities. This needs addressing with carers if it seems your DDs independence is impeded or reduced by their approach. (I've done respite care for over 5 years).

Secondly, your DDs responses to things sound like Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). Look into it, I really think it will resonate.

Meanwhile33 · 10/04/2024 21:05

It sounds like this is something she needs to figure out a solution for. Maybe have a conversation with her about it in a calm moment, tell her you don’t want to go, so if she does, she and her dad will have to figure it out between them. You can’t be the mediator forever, it’s not healthy.

stichguru · 10/04/2024 21:06

I would say it's fine to say that you don't want to go. Assuming that DD2's mental age is not like 10 or something, she is an adult. While it must be very very frustrating to have a disability that means she can't just go it alone, she is old enough to understand that she needs to take other people's feelings and ideas on board. If she wants to do something for holiday that you really don't, she should get that you don't want to go. If she wants to go with her dad, the simplest thing is for him to care for her. If she/he don't want that, that's fine too, but then she needs to find another way: either go on an organised holiday, or pay for some other care.

Nanny0gg · 10/04/2024 21:12

PomPomDahlia27 · 10/04/2024 15:59

This reply has hit me like a tonne of bricks. DD1 has ASD but I've never really thought about if for DD2 or myself or DH.

DD1 has certainly had a tough time over the years, very much overlooked at times due to the complexity of DD2's needs. For the last few years things have levelled out but there is a definite resentment there and frankly DD1 just hates having DD2 at home.

DH just doesn't get what it means to have anxiety despite the fact that he himself was on meds years ago for depression. Something at work triggered a breakdown and the meds eventually helped lift him out, but to him there was a clear issue that led to a breakdown. He's very black and white. He just cannot understand how DD is permanently on the edge of upset.

He probably makes 5-10 comments per day that upset her, and you never know how badly she is going to react. It drives me mad because I know exactly what he has said to trigger her but he can't see it. OTOH they are often things that are superficially innocuous, but he should know better shouldn't he? Or maybe he should be allowed to make stupid jokes in his own house. I do t know anymore. I bite my tongue hue with DD because I don't want a row.

Just trying to think of other recent examples so you can see the fine line of who is being silly/sensitive:

Bedtime - I say come on DD let's get going for bed, she says hang on give me 5 minutes, DH says ugh I'm too old to stay up after midnight, so I'll start my stopwatch. DD is upset because she says she feels like he means she is a burden.

DH says shall we watch x tonight, DD says no I want to go on my phone. DH says ok but there's lots of stuff recorded and you never get round to watching it so shall we just watch without you? DD gets upset that he is "getting at her"

DD has booked tickets to a show which she mentioned to DH a couple of months ago without specifying date or time. It clashed with something else he was doing. When she said oh it's all booked he said oooh when for, I'm a busy man, I'll have to see if I can find time (joking) then he had to say oh good I'll move my other thing, I wish you'd checked first. She gets angry saying it's his fault for not listening and now he's making her feel bad for doing something nice.

Show quote history

She seems to be in charge of your household?

Where is your other daughter? Away in her room?

Sweetheart7 · 10/04/2024 21:12

Your DD needs to spend the money and pay carers. She is am adult still and it isn't fair on your DH. Say NO OP.

Theothername · 10/04/2024 21:21

You need your break op. That’s what I think you should prioritise here.

You can’t look after everyone else if your needs aren’t taken care of. You have to recharge your battery because you’re powering everything else.

If there’s a scenario where you get a decent, restful break after fulfilling a caring/mediation role on their holiday, only then should you consider it. But I suspect the most restful break for you is in your own home.

Sometimes we need to prioritise our own needs in order to be able to prioritise everyone else and this is one of those occasions where disappointing others is absolutely the right thing to do.

Urgenthelplease · 10/04/2024 21:40

I've got to be honest. Nothing your DH says sounds mean, cruel or worthy of her feeling attacked or getting criticised by you for. I'd take a deep breath because from the outside it looks like he's the one everyone's getting at.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 10/04/2024 21:42

Also OP, you may find the (SET Support Empathy Truth) technique really helpful for your DD. It is usually talked about with regards to supporting EUPD family members, but it is really helpful with anyone who is quite demanding and needy.

greyandbluewool · 10/04/2024 22:05

Maybe I have missed it, but dd2 doesn't appear to have a ND, so unless you feel she possibly has, and hasn't been diagnosed, she is essentially an adult with a physical disability. She may have anxiety, but again, unless this is a part of an undiagnosed condition then she potentially is a mentally fully functioning adult.

So why do you speak of her as if she needs constant mental accommodations? Whereas you seem to slightly brush over the fact that your dd1, who is diagnosed with ASD, struggles to cope with her behaviour.

I appreciate that living with physical disabilities which are serious enough to require lifelong carers will be difficult for a young person to cope with, but as parents, I believe it's important to help her transition into adult behaviour, and that requires treating her as an adult and on a more equal footing. It's doing her no good at all walking on egg shells around her. Are you all possibly overcompensating because you feel she has had a hard enough deal in life already and you don't want to see her upset?
If she wants to have an adult relationship and friendships it just isn't going to fly by controlling what topics can be discussed etc. She needs to find a way to deal with it herself rather than policing others. And you need to stop talking about your daughter as if she's an 11 year old .

If you suspect an underlying ND, look into this before anything else.

DoreenonTill8 · 10/04/2024 22:12

Sweetheart7 · 10/04/2024 21:12

Your DD needs to spend the money and pay carers. She is am adult still and it isn't fair on your DH. Say NO OP.

Again this, does she need to pay for the carers 24/7 at uni, you've said she can be OK for days on her own at home? Could she cut down on the 24/7 carers to fund someone on holiday?

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/04/2024 22:14

TheYearOfSmallThings · 10/04/2024 16:16

I would skip the holidays for a while. It doesn't sound like your husband is doing anything wrong, just that your daughter has got to the age where nothing he can do is right. The answer is probably not to spend more time together, but to work towards her being more independent and going on holidays without either parent.

@PomPomDahlia27

think this is spot on ⬆️

Dramatic · 10/04/2024 22:16

I would go, I've spent every single holiday with my kids doing things I don't like because they enjoy them. That's just par for the course isn't it?

Livelovebehappy · 10/04/2024 22:24

Neither of them sound like they enjoy it now. Your dd should go on organised trips which could accommodate her needs, but I suspect she might need her expectations setting of acceptable behaviour in having to consider other peoples needs and wants in the group too. And maybe your dh could try find some group of like minded people re his hobby who he could go with for a few days.

godmum56 · 10/04/2024 22:25

Dramatic · 10/04/2024 22:16

I would go, I've spent every single holiday with my kids doing things I don't like because they enjoy them. That's just par for the course isn't it?

No

maudelovesharold · 10/04/2024 22:33

DoreenonTill8 · 10/04/2024 22:12

Again this, does she need to pay for the carers 24/7 at uni, you've said she can be OK for days on her own at home? Could she cut down on the 24/7 carers to fund someone on holiday?

Show quote history

I think it’s op’s other daughter who is ok for a few days on her own at home.

katepilar · 10/04/2024 22:40

I think I would find your husbands remarks iritating, if I am getting the correct impression of what he likes to say, possibly with a certain tone.

Amara123 · 10/04/2024 22:42

The only holiday I'd be organising is for the two exhausted parents.
You both sound burned out, and who wouldn't be in your situation? Being a carer is harder than anything.

DoreenonTill8 · 10/04/2024 22:48

maudelovesharold · 10/04/2024 22:33

I think it’s op’s other daughter who is ok for a few days on her own at home.

Show quote history

Ah you're right, that's sad though as wonder if that's learned behaviour as she knows her sister is her parents main focus due to the hysterics and demanding behaviour.

Original poster
PomPomDahlia27 · 10/04/2024 23:10

greyandbluewool · 10/04/2024 22:05

Maybe I have missed it, but dd2 doesn't appear to have a ND, so unless you feel she possibly has, and hasn't been diagnosed, she is essentially an adult with a physical disability. She may have anxiety, but again, unless this is a part of an undiagnosed condition then she potentially is a mentally fully functioning adult.

So why do you speak of her as if she needs constant mental accommodations? Whereas you seem to slightly brush over the fact that your dd1, who is diagnosed with ASD, struggles to cope with her behaviour.

I appreciate that living with physical disabilities which are serious enough to require lifelong carers will be difficult for a young person to cope with, but as parents, I believe it's important to help her transition into adult behaviour, and that requires treating her as an adult and on a more equal footing. It's doing her no good at all walking on egg shells around her. Are you all possibly overcompensating because you feel she has had a hard enough deal in life already and you don't want to see her upset?
If she wants to have an adult relationship and friendships it just isn't going to fly by controlling what topics can be discussed etc. She needs to find a way to deal with it herself rather than policing others. And you need to stop talking about your daughter as if she's an 11 year old .

If you suspect an underlying ND, look into this before anything else.

There's definitely an element of this. Her life has been really tough from day 1 and frankly her future is likely to be full of problems and setbacks.

So yes, we definitely both lose our resolve in a lot of situations and just think let's try and remove extra stress from her life. It's hard not to let her physical difficulties influence our behaviour because we often just feel terribly sad for her.

She doesn't have any learning or behavioural diagnoses. She's on meds for anxiety from the GP but nothing has been explored as such and I don't think she is ND.

As far as carer funding goes, we have funding for 24/7 so that is not an issue.

OP posts:
DoreenonTill8 · 10/04/2024 23:15

PomPomDahlia27 · 10/04/2024 23:10

There's definitely an element of this. Her life has been really tough from day 1 and frankly her future is likely to be full of problems and setbacks.

So yes, we definitely both lose our resolve in a lot of situations and just think let's try and remove extra stress from her life. It's hard not to let her physical difficulties influence our behaviour because we often just feel terribly sad for her.

She doesn't have any learning or behavioural diagnoses. She's on meds for anxiety from the GP but nothing has been explored as such and I don't think she is ND.

As far as carer funding goes, we have funding for 24/7 so that is not an issue.

Show quote history

But what about dd1?? Even posts that mention her and her struggle/being over looked you seem to ignore and talk about dd2? This post for example!