to stop DD having holidays?

[PomPomDahlia27]

DH and I stopped family holidays 12 years ago as it was too hard because both DD1 and DD2 have SEN. Since then DH and DD2 have gone on mini breaks around the UK 2 or 3 times a year while I stay at home with DD1. Everyone has been happy with this arrangement.

Now DD2 is a young adult this isn’t working so well because she feels DH doesn’t meet her needs properly in terms of reassurance and controlling her anxiety. He just about covers her physical needs although they frequently bicker because he doesn’t do things the way she likes.

They’ve just come home early from a week away because DD was so stressed and DH couldn’t calm her down.

Looking ahead, what do I do?

DD does have paid carers some of the time but DH doesn’t want to go away on holiday with a carer in tow, and also we would have to pay for their room and meals.

The obvious answer is for me to go with them purely to be the mediator and counsellor etc so we will have the extra the cost plus I don’t actually want to go at all tbh. I don’t like going away, I hate the activities they enjoy so literally I will spend my time following them around just being her carer.

But it seems that if I don’t agree then DD won’t have anymore holidays as it’s just not working with DH anymore.

AIBU to say I won’t go?

OP it's interesting the phrasing you used in your OP too. "AIBU to stop my DD from having holidays?"

This may be consciously ironic but if not, your daughter deciding her dad is not a good enough companion, and carers aren't either, and therefore you must go on all holidays henceforth is not you stopping her from having holidays. Definitely some interesting work you could do on where rights and responsibilities lie in your family.

I think you and your DH need to get away alone together. I hear you about being exhausted and just wanting to sit in your garden with the dog, but it sounds like you need a break and to reconnect with your husband.

Think of it as a rest where neither of of have to moderate your words and feelings and you can gain some new perspective.

Does she have any friends of her own?
Is she capable of becoming more independent and if not now does she see that happening?
Is there a future with both your daughters becoming less dependent on you?
It sounds incredibly tough on both of you? Is time away just you two even if you just relax a possibility so that your younger daughter starts to see you as deserving of your own time to yourself?
You sound like wonderful, devoted parents. In a real and MN world of parents putting new partners first, complaining about relatively minor parenting moments, it’s really refreshing to read of two devoted parents who put their children’s needs so much above their own. Just don’t forget you both have needs and surely it’s your time to start considering how the focus could more on the both of you.

You don't enjoy any of those things at all?

How does she manage living away at uni? Are the carers there 24/7? If not do you think she prefers being at home as she'll be pandered to in a way she won't at uni? It sounds like you and she team up against your Dh and his 'failings'.
And yes poor dd1 in all of this!

How does she behave towards other students and academic staff?

I don't think it's that she doesn't enjoy those things, it's that she wants a rest from caring responsibilities and to spend some time alone.

Yes, she says she is running on empty and wants to be left in peace in her garden.

OP, I think you need to draw some boundaries with your DD 2. Even if she has anxiety, some boundaries need to be drawn.

Oh golly I couldn’t handle many of these things either - maybe a city tour or a zoo. But just the one of each. Pub crawls, fringe and orienteering would be beyond my limit.
I had been going to say wouldn’t it be good to make the effort to go and take an interest ( I’d been envisaging a particular genre of art gallery or Roman ruins or similar ); but these latter activities aren’t even particularly interactive with each other ( you can’t count bickering about compass directions!) So YANBU.

Have looked up the charity I volunteered for, it's here:

https://revitalise.org.uk/respite-holidays/

They have a range of holidays which definitely check the daughter's likes including museums and culture, West End theatre trips, zoos, comedy, pubs. They definitely know how to put on a good holiday.

Does DD have any friends who she could take with her and DH?

She needs to manage her anxiety first. Is she on Sertraline? It's very effective at reducing anxiety. And beta blockers can be used as needed for similar effects. I think she should explore this option. They could then go and enjoy Edinburgh Festival together, without her anxiety dominating their fun.

one of the best suggestions on this thread. Allows dd to have a holiday and parents to have a break.

Be brave and embrace something like this.

Your DH is almost certainly a key driver in your DD's anxiety. He needs therapy too.

I'm going to check out some of the holidays suggested to see if there is something suitable.
It could be a lovely opportunity for her to have fun in a new setting with new people.

At Uni she has 24/7 carers and they are great at providing emotional support to her so she feels supported, but even then she regularly messages me for reassurance.

She has a few friends at Uni who she meets up with eg for coffee or a couple of drinks, but not really good friends. Certainly nobody she would go away with.

She's your child, and sometimes that involves doing things you'd rather not. Sorry YABU in not going.

You don't say however what DD2 would do if you went with DH and DD1.

"At Uni she has 24/7 carers and they are great at providing emotional support to her so she feels supported, but even then she regularly messages me for reassurance."

What will happen when she enters the world of work?

Or will the work she applies for be restricted because of her condition?

Did you read anything the OP wrote about how desperately she needs a break?

She has a few friends at Uni who she meets up with eg for coffee or a couple of drinks, but not really good friends. Certainly nobody she would go away with

I think it’s possible to make a very good guess as to why that is. She sounds very demanding, like a spoilt child. Indulging her every whim is doing her no favours. In fact, it’s feeding this behaviour IMO - to her detriment.

No wonder she doesn’t have any close friends. Who’d want to have to swallow every comment on the weather, etc etc, in case it set your DD off. Who’d want a trip out with her where everyone had to bow to her demands?

I expect some of her ‘anxiety’ at uni, which necessitates trips home every few days, is connected to this. Give her the tools to cope in the real world.

Have you tried reading -Helping your child with their fears and worries by Laura willets? It was recommended to us with an online course by our local CAMHS. It’s parent led CBT techniques that might be very helpful for you and your husband to help support your daughter. We used it with our DD and she has become much more independent and rarely needs our support. She is younger than your DD but by the sounds of it you have fallen into the same trap we did where we reassured her and so she wasn’t able to manage without us at all. It does require work but it might give you the chance for you all to be more independent.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Helping-Your-Child-Fears-Worries/dp/1472138619/ref=asc_df_1472138619/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=310973726618&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=13030834197694440900&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9045716&hvtargid=pla-684582770619&psc=1&mcid=68dc56866ebd3fd3991a649212a82e7a&th=1&psc=1

What happens if you don’t respond to those messages straight away?

it does sound as if the holidays are the tip of the iceberg and you and your husband both need time to be yourselves not just parents. When she is safe with support she trusts she needs to start learning how to manage things with their support so you can switch off

Have you and DH been able to pinpoint exactly what it is about his care for her that's not working? What do you and the professional carers do that he doesn't? Is it something he could change?

The descriptions in your most recent post don't sound like anxiety to me but her being sensitive and overly black and white. He definitely sounds like he lacks some emotional intelligence. I don't think hoping her anxiety will sort itself out will work 21 years in. Can she get some CBT or something to help her build her resilience?

This is such a shame as they sound like they have so much fun and it's a great breather for you. Could her counsellor suggest some helpful techniques or exercises for her and your DH to do? I completely understand his struggle with not having a specific problem to solve. (Edited as I've seen your latest post - if it's a personality thing that's even harder and sympathy to you!) If it's something you're better at, could you be available one day during the holiday or at a certain time for a phone call - I know it's not quite as much of a holiday then but still more of a break than actually going with them. Perhaps meanwhile he could work on listening and learning from what you do to help her when you're all at home? Best of luck, OP.

Would your DD2 and DH consider some family type counselling sessions together to figure out some strategies to manage things when away together? They may find working on something collaboratively more liable to stick for them and may give them the understanding of each other to make this work out better in the long term. I think it’s really lovely they have these shared things to do together and that it would be so sad to have things that went “wrong” in either of their eyes ruin the memories and joy.

However I do think there is absolute benefit in building skills away from you (as DD2 is already doing) by going on independent holidays etc.