DH being treated like unpaid Uber

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

I know this isn't a me problem because I refuse to do all the running around but am fed up of DH getting annoyed about this but doing fuck all about it. His two kids (I say kids loosely as they are 17 and 24) expect him to drive them around here there and everywhere without a word of thanks. Eldest is working but refuses to learn to drive; whenever she visits it's just expected that he picks her up and drops her off. Youngest still stays here part of the week and what's prompted my rant is that it was dropped on us last night that he's out for the day today in another city a couple of hours away and is expected to be picked up at the train station, driven to mum's to pick up his overnight stuff (opposite end of the city to us) and then driven back here to stay the night. This is all lateish at night btw, and we only found out about this 'expectation' late last night after DH had to prise out of his son how he was getting to our house. Meanwhile ExW refuses to encourage any growing up at all and enables their reliance on parents.

AIBU to think that at this age they need to have a bit of consideration and appreciation for their dad and to maybe start thinking for themselves about how they're going to get around? When does it end?

You can’t do anything about it though except refuse to engage with his annoyance. You can ask: ‘This is a product of your parenting, what are you doing to change it?’

It won't stop until your DH says no.

Cannot believe he is driving a 24 year old hither and yon. Time to put his foot down.

You’re not being unreasonable but it’s a bit late now complaining when he’s been doing it for the oldest at least 7 years.

They should have insisted on driving lessons. Ours had driving lessons as their 17th birthday present. The expectation was they save up (with our help) and buy their own car. They became independent adults.

Their 17 year old now will get stroppy if he changes things now, saying dad obviously liked the daughter more as he’s always fetched and carried for her.

Can they not use public transport? A but of ferrying around is fine but this sounds ridiculous

There's no direct public transport from mum's house to ours, so it would mean two buses. Obviously easier to call the dad taxi.

Your DH needs to be busy with other things - an evening hobby or must do reading for next weeks book group or anything so his DC get the habit of travelling on their own.

Sympathies, but I guess that no public transport is not their fault. Can the older one even afford to drive and buy/run/insure a car? My DS and his gf are learning but it's pricey, and there's no way they'll be able to afford insurance even if they pass. Tests are not even available before about October/November!

Why does the 17 year old have to stay at yours if he's been out all day in another city (understandably not carrying an overnight bag around) and comes backs late? Why does he not have general stuff / overnight stuff at yours anyway? Is mum's more of his main home?

Sorry - too many questions. Everyone's situation is different.

The chances are though that if your DH doesn't do it I expect those seemingly frequent visits will dry up quickly if it's inconvenient for them to get to yours. I'm surprised at their age they are still doing it TBH.

Because it's 'his day' which must not be interfered with under any circumstances. He has clothes/toiletries etc here but he likes to bring his gaming laptop.

Well it won't stop until your DH actually says no.

This sounds like it’s an emotional thing? Like they think it’s the parents issue they live in separate houses so they can deal with the transport issue? Was it the dad who ended the marriage? Not an easy fix for sure

Nope, mum ended the marriage when she had an affair. Also, dad is the one who does 80% of the running around.

I agree that at the age of 17 maintaining a strict contact schedule is madness.

This is a tricky one - 17 is still a kid and it's not his fault dad and mum live apart and that there's no easy public transport. If your dh doesn't get him, that will be seen as not caring about seeing him on contact days.
Really, his mum should make some effort here, but you have no control over that, so it does come down to whether your dh wants to see his son enough to inconvenience himself.

Re the 24 year old, I think this depends on whether he can afford the lessons and to run a car. It's very expensive learning to drive now.

Both boys should discuss with their dad the arrangements in advance because that's polite. But it's down to your dh to have instilled that expectation. In all fairness I do think that running around after kids is part of parenting though, and it doesn't stop when kids are older, if the circumstances mean they can't travel without help.

Do you have younger DC as well?

I used to get two buses home from school every day. It's not impossible, depending on time of day etc

He just needs to say no and they just need to get the 2 buses. 2 buses isn't a complete drama. Unless he starts saying no they won't stop.

Yanbu. Being a taxi is expected with teens, but the 24 year old needs to be independent (barring any SN)and 17 is pushing it

If they can't drive and public transport is tricky then realistically if he says no they won't come.

Which is presumably why he does it.

Nope

Seems like this is a typical complaining step mum scenario. It is not your stepDC’s fault that their parents have separated and it is not their fault that their is poor public transport provision between their two homes.

It is not fair to inconvenience your DC for a decision outwith your control. I don’t know of many 17 year olds running their own cars these days given the costs (unless you are willing to fund these?).

It seems to me the consequence of you making your DH stop providing lifts would be less frequent visits from his DC- which I get the impression you wouldn’t be displeased about.

My point is more around the expectation and lack of appreciation, particularly around tonight which is just typical. It's just expected that he'll drop everything to be the taxi service, and if he hadn't checked beforehand what the plan was, DSD would have expected him to magically show up for her without any prior arrangement. It's the thoughtlessness which pisses me off. The eldest is more than old enough to sort out his own transport.

It depends on how pissed off your DH is seeing as he’s the one doing the running around not you.
I presume he’s worried they won’t come, which is a fair point as having parents in separate houses with no public transport is a total pain in the arse for them. Would DH insist they learn to drive and buy them a cheap car maybe?

YABU - IME, it is pretty run of the mill. I am a parent to a nearly 17 year old and I actually want him to get a lift from me or DH if he is arriving home late, I don’t want him to walk home from certain parts of the city (which he often does) as statistically this is a very vulnerable age for being a victim of street crime. In my mind this is being a responsible parent.

if you have the added problem of crap public transport what is the youngest in particular supposed to do, 24 years old is very different to 17.

Can’t you give money for Uber and deduct from other money you give them

Has your DH offered to pay for driving lessons and cars for them, and they have refused?