DH being treated like unpaid Uber

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

I know this isn't a me problem because I refuse to do all the running around but am fed up of DH getting annoyed about this but doing fuck all about it. His two kids (I say kids loosely as they are 17 and 24) expect him to drive them around here there and everywhere without a word of thanks. Eldest is working but refuses to learn to drive; whenever she visits it's just expected that he picks her up and drops her off. Youngest still stays here part of the week and what's prompted my rant is that it was dropped on us last night that he's out for the day today in another city a couple of hours away and is expected to be picked up at the train station, driven to mum's to pick up his overnight stuff (opposite end of the city to us) and then driven back here to stay the night. This is all lateish at night btw, and we only found out about this 'expectation' late last night after DH had to prise out of his son how he was getting to our house. Meanwhile ExW refuses to encourage any growing up at all and enables their reliance on parents.

AIBU to think that at this age they need to have a bit of consideration and appreciation for their dad and to maybe start thinking for themselves about how they're going to get around? When does it end?

Eldest earns more than enough to pay for own lessons - offered money a few years back but she wasn't arsed to learn. Youngest only just turned 17 but shows even less inclination tbh, won't even get a PT job to help himself.

Two buses? I used to get 2 or 3 buses to work and back every single day at 17.

If there's no additional needs or neurodivergence I would buy them their first month bus pass then let them sort it them selves!

@chocolatesaltyballs22 do you know how much lessons cost now? £40 easily.

I don't think the 24 year old should be expecting anything really although if your partner has done it without question then you can see why they're still asking, Slightly different for the 17 year old.

My DN is 18 and lives in an area with rubbish public transport and she gets driven anywhere she wants to go and pretty much anytime. It isn't something I would be particularly keen on doing but i don't think it's that unusual either.

My DC take two buses or a bus and the Tube even in London. It's not that hard.

I guess your DH needs to stop whining if his DC refuse to take two buses.

Everytime you husband complains say I don’t want to hear it. If you don’t want to tell them no.

do you guys ever have plans in advance and his kids decide dad taxi is in service and he cancels or alters your plans as a couple? That’s the bit where I think you could say something?

Yeah I'm aware, my DD(21) is paying for her lessons with birthday money and wages from PT job.

No he doesn't do that. He wouldn't dare.

Maybe your DH likes the time he gets to spend with his DC. I still gladly act like an Uber driver to my girls who are both adults. Had some fab times being in the car, chatting and singing at the top of our voices.

Not sure why it bothers you so much.

I don't see why it bothers the OP so much. It's not at all unusual for 17 year olds to get lifts from their parents. As for the 24 year old refusing to drive, you can't make him and to be honest would he be able to afford the insurance. It's astronomical. I'm sorry to say I think this is a case of bitter resentment rather than a lifestyle being seriously impacted. Besides, if you marry someone with baggage then it will be just that - baggage.

The words "he wouldn't dare" are quite telling too. I suspect the DH is between a rock and a hard place with his second wife and his children.

It depends if your dh wants to see them.i live in a rural area with rubbish public transport. 2 buses would look like this:
1 bus an hour - they stop at about 7 pm. Thus takes you into town - about 20 mins with stops on the way. The bus to the major town takes an hour and 20 mins. If in a car this journey would take max 30 mins.

My 22 year old doesn't drive - her choice as at uni. I quite like seeing her so I pick her up ftom the train. 17 year old doesn't drive as he is concentrating on A levels.

Not driving is a valid choice because its incredibly expensive to run a car. Especially in insurance costs for young people.
He can not give them lifts and he'll probably see a lot less of them. It's nit their fault their parents split up.

He needs to talk to them about being considerate but that's his to do.

Except she says he gets annoyed, and all this is late at night. I don't want to be an Uber driver for my adult DC, so presumably there are parents who don't want to do this. I am happy for my DC to do an hour's journey or more by public transport.

The 17 yo, YABU
The 24 yo, YANBU

why? Because a 17yo has no chance of a full drivers license and car ownership.

I think OP that you should leave this to your husband to resolve. Presumably he wants to maintain a relationship with his children and you've said that public transport isn't really available from their house to their dad's.

As long as you're not being expected to do pick ups, don't interfere or intervene - and don't let your husband offload to you about it. This is his issue to solve with his children/their mum.

i think he wouldn’t dare is telling her husband values their marriage and his kids can’t just trample all over it. He sets boundaries and he makes time for both his wife and his children. What a husband! Sounds like he respects her!

17 year olds I can understand giving some lifts to, but not in the sort of on-demand way that's established at the moment.Expecting lifts at the click of a finger is quite rude, especially back and forth because he wants his gaming laptop.

If he's out for the day and his stuff is at his Mum's, why can't he go to the train station himself, go for the day out, return to Mum's to get his stuff and then you DP can collect him from Mum's?

Personally at that age I was getting the train to see friends all over the country. Parents would have picked me up from a party to ensure i got home safe- but apart from that it was my issue... around where I live this is still the case for most people- but good transport links generally!! (10 years ago)- but all of my younger colleagues 20/21 and friends children are expected to get the bus/train/uber..... idont think you are unreasonable

Exactly the same I'm so glad my lot learned to drive at 17/18. Which I paid for lessons. The first cars ( old bangers) were 18th birthday gifts and insurance they pay from part time jobs. DS pays £100 a month insurance ( was less last year)

Mind you 2 buses hardly seems a big deal

For the 24 year old, your DH should just say no. Hell no.

For the 17 year old, I think you have to separate out what's a reasonable expectation of a lift e.g. being picked up at a reasonable time from his mums vs the expectation of being dropped off here there and everywhere like a taxi to facilitate a social life or bad planning. He doesn't need his gaming laptop.

But If your DH isn't prepared to deal with it, tell him to stop bellyaching as you don't have the time to listen to his whinging when he could deal with it.

YANBU,

They are both perfectly able to use public transport.

17 is nearly an adult. I suspect if you talked about their bedtime or taking their phones virtually everyone would say they were grownups, but when it comes to expectations rather than rights, they suddenly morph into ‘kids’ again.

Two buses isn’t a disaster, they can read, listen to music, do revision. It was my normal life from about 13 onwards, I was thrilled when occasionally offered a lift.

The only thing is this isn’t really your problem but your husband’s. I get that he is worried about losing contact but, if contact is conditional on being an unpaid chauffeur, it isn’t really worth having. Maybe this is a conversation you can have with him?

I wouldn't let my DD at 17, get on a bus with a gaming laptop. It's £1k vs taxi fare. There's a few issues. The insistence on sticking to contact days is the first. If that's on your DH, he facilities the 17 year old getting to him. The 24 year old should be told that at 25 they are a proper adult and are standing on their own two feet. Then start to work on the 17 year old.

@LolaSmiles and @SapphOhNo you both understand my point exactly - thanks.

A couple of points to note - I never said there was no/bad transport links, just that it was two buses. And it's not DH who is insisting on the rigid contact schedule/days - it's mum.

I live in an area were people can't afford to run cars and the insurance for under 25s is £4k a year. It's a low paid area, but people, including teens still have to get to work etc. Two buses is nothing. Learning to drive is irrelevant.

I don't know any teens as described on here, because there isn't the time and money to pander like this. The kids get around on buses with thrir parents from birth. The lack of self reliance and responsibility is something to be ashamed of tbh.

Not everywhere has the bus service that's reliable enough. Sounds like a city you live in with regular bus service and extortionate insurance.

The deal I have with my 17 year old is that if I can I’ll drop off/pick up (not always easy as I am a single parent with 2 primary school aged kids as well) if I can’t she gets the bus/a loft with her dad/friend or boyfriends parents. I reciprocate the lifts when I can. She is also learning to drive

2 buses! That's hardly a massive issue is it? My 17 year old did 2 trains and 2 buses to where he wanted to go as neither me nor his dad were available to drop him off.

I'd suggest your DH puts his foot down - saving a massive trek is one thing but 2 buses with an overnight bag is completely reasonable.