Page 4 | DH being treated like unpaid Uber

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 2024-04-10T08:05:36+00:00

I know this isn't a me problem because I refuse to do all the running around but am fed up of DH getting annoyed about this but doing fuck all about it. His two kids (I say kids loosely as they are 17 and 24) expect him to drive them around here there and everywhere without a word of thanks. Eldest is working but refuses to learn to drive; whenever she visits it's just expected that he picks her up and drops her off. Youngest still stays here part of the week and what's prompted my rant is that it was dropped on us last night that he's out for the day today in another city a couple of hours away and is expected to be picked up at the train station, driven to mum's to pick up his overnight stuff (opposite end of the city to us) and then driven back here to stay the night. This is all lateish at night btw, and we only found out about this 'expectation' late last night after DH had to prise out of his son how he was getting to our house. Meanwhile ExW refuses to encourage any growing up at all and enables their reliance on parents. AIBU to think that at this age they need to have a bit of consideration and appreciation for their dad and to maybe start thinking for themselves about how they're going to get around? When does it end?

Willyoujustbequiet · 10/04/2024 15:13

Goldenbear · 10/04/2024 10:17

YABU - IME, it is pretty run of the mill. I am a parent to a nearly 17 year old and I actually want him to get a lift from me or DH if he is arriving home late, I don’t want him to walk home from certain parts of the city (which he often does) as statistically this is a very vulnerable age for being a victim of street crime. In my mind this is being a responsible parent.

if you have the added problem of crap public transport what is the youngest in particular supposed to do, 24 years old is very different to 17.

This.

I'd rather give them ( teenagers) lifts at night to make sure they were safe. Surely most parents would.

Willyoujustbequiet · 10/04/2024 15:24

BruFord · 10/04/2024 14:25

When you marry someone with children, there’s always the possibility that they’ll live with you FT at some point though, isn’t there?

I appreciate what you’re saying, but tbf, why should your DSD live with her Mum and Mum’s partner instead of you? Of course, she might be fine on her own in her Mum’s house, she might love the freedom!

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Agreed.

There are two parents. It's not just mum's responsibility. I don't understand why people enter into relationships where there are children and not consider they may live with them full time.

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 10/04/2024 15:26

@Willyoujustbequiet OR you set your stall out from the start and make it clear what your expectations are. If DH wants to live with DSS then I'm afraid he'll be doing it elsewhere. But let's hope it doesn't come to that.

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ItsallIeverwanted · 10/04/2024 15:29

I don't see anything outrageous in this, but that's because I'm the Mum Taxi in my own household. The 25 year old visiting is getting time on her own with dad in the car on the way there and back, so that she has a bit of chatting catch up without you there, all good. The 17 year old- all my friends are either paying for their kids to have driving lessons (if they can afford it, or they might have a job), or they are not having driving lessons, and being driven around, with the odd bus ride in there too. My kids both have Mum taxi and the bus and between us it works out.

It is a little inconsiderate to suddenly spring a late night trip on someone but unless it took hours and unless it conflicted with something you were doing then I think it's fine for the 17 year old to ask.

The only thing then is gratitude, and I would expect a genuine 'thanks mum' on all lift giving occasions, if that's not happening, then that's for your husband to set out his expectations in terms of behaviour.

I think jumping in the car, if you have one, and can afford petrol is par for the course for every single parent I know, not many make their kids get the bus to them except those in London/very large cities.

ConfrontationDoesntHaveToBeScarey · 10/04/2024 15:29

Why are you annoyed with the (I know one is an adult)children and not their father who is the older more mature adult with more life experience and should be the one parenting them to be independent and manage their expectations.

You're blaming the young ones rather than the responsible adult...it seems unfair to me.

BringMeSunshineAllDayLong · 10/04/2024 15:33

It's a bit embarrassing for them to be so reliant. My 13 year old is adamant she doesn't need a lift tomorrow to see some family so is getting 2 buses and a train to a different city. She is very independent and organised. Love her attitude. It would drive me insane OP my Child or Stepchild.

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 10/04/2024 15:33

It is a little inconsiderate to suddenly spring a late night trip on someone but unless it took hours and unless it conflicted with something you were doing then I think it's fine for the 17 year old to ask.

He didn't even ask though. That's the entire point. He expected DH to magically know through the power of osmosis that he was being expected to taxi him all over the city at 24 hours notice. DH had to wrench the details out of him via very painful text messaging.

OP posts:

Willyoujustbequiet · 10/04/2024 15:36

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 10/04/2024 15:26

@Willyoujustbequiet OR you set your stall out from the start and make it clear what your expectations are. If DH wants to live with DSS then I'm afraid he'll be doing it elsewhere. But let's hope it doesn't come to that.

Yes that's true.

If you did and he ignored that then more fool him. It's his duty as a parent to provide for his kids and that includes a house should it become necessary.

ItsallIeverwanted · 10/04/2024 15:42

@chocolatesaltyballs22 that is annoying, but so typical for a teen/parent interaction it's not worth remarking on. What do you want to happen- him not to do the taxi, to get the teen to let you know in advance, to get him to use public transport? All of these things are possible, not even that hard to achieve, but you are acting like it's completely unreasonable for teens to go 'mum, oh no, I need to be in X in 10 min time, can I have a lift' whereas in fact this is entirely normal teen behaviour and happens in thousands of homes every day.

Nothing is outrageous here, and with a few tweaks, could be easily sorted out.

willWillSmithsmith · 10/04/2024 16:00

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 10/04/2024 10:12

My point is more around the expectation and lack of appreciation, particularly around tonight which is just typical. It's just expected that he'll drop everything to be the taxi service, and if he hadn't checked beforehand what the plan was, DSD would have expected him to magically show up for her without any prior arrangement. It's the thoughtlessness which pisses me off. The eldest is more than old enough to sort out his own transport.

I thought the eldest was a girl?

I think the 24 yr old needs to be more responsible for their transport but the 17yr old is still young enough to need to get home safely at night.

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 10/04/2024 16:07

willWillSmithsmith · 10/04/2024 16:00

I thought the eldest was a girl?

I think the 24 yr old needs to be more responsible for their transport but the 17yr old is still young enough to need to get home safely at night.

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Sorry I'm mixing up my own abbreviations - my mistake.

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LolaSmiles · 10/04/2024 16:14

@LolaSmiles and @SapphOhNo you both understand my point exactly - thanks
It's really easy to see why you're annoyed and fed up OP.

When I think back to being an older teen, we all had lifts from parents when it was convenient but we were expected to ask and for bigger things give reasonable notice. That was with parents/step parents we lived with.

If we'd demanded a lift, or worse told our parents/step parents that they'd be our personal taxi service, we'd have expected to be put straight and reminded to stop acting like a brat.

RobinStrike · 10/04/2024 16:32

Is the 24yo still living at her mother's home? Or does she live elsewhere in your home city/town or further away? Is she just wanting lifts when she is coming to visit you or as a general taxi service when out and about? None of that is clear.
For the 17yo I would guess despite his complaining your DH enjoys having the time to chat in the car and wants to still encourage him to visit. You sound a little intolerant of having them at your house at all, especially given your comment on not having him to stay if his mother moves away.

RobinStrike · 10/04/2024 16:34

Having said all that the idea that he needs to be picked up and taken to his mothers and then to your house late at night is ludicrous. Picking up from the station is fine, but then straight home to your house. Anything else can wait til he is back at his mother's.

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 10/04/2024 16:35

@RobinStrike eldest lives further away so it's just when she visits.

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Exasperatednow · 10/04/2024 16:36

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 10/04/2024 15:33

It is a little inconsiderate to suddenly spring a late night trip on someone but unless it took hours and unless it conflicted with something you were doing then I think it's fine for the 17 year old to ask.

He didn't even ask though. That's the entire point. He expected DH to magically know through the power of osmosis that he was being expected to taxi him all over the city at 24 hours notice. DH had to wrench the details out of him via very painful text messaging.

Sounds like a normal teenager to me.

StormingNorman · 10/04/2024 16:38

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 10/04/2024 10:12

My point is more around the expectation and lack of appreciation, particularly around tonight which is just typical. It's just expected that he'll drop everything to be the taxi service, and if he hadn't checked beforehand what the plan was, DSD would have expected him to magically show up for her without any prior arrangement. It's the thoughtlessness which pisses me off. The eldest is more than old enough to sort out his own transport.

All teenagers are like this aren’t they? 24 seems a bit old but the cost of learning to drive and running a car is far more prohibitive now than it used to be. Perhaps Dad can help fund the driving lessons?

It may also be that they enjoy having time to chat with their dad while they’re in the car…and dad enjoys it too which is why he hasn’t stopped it. That’s quite sweet really.

Goldenbear · 10/04/2024 16:43

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 10/04/2024 16:35

@RobinStrike eldest lives further away so it's just when she visits.

Just when she visits, not a huge deal then!

Do you actually like them?

Exasperatednow · 10/04/2024 17:04

Does your 21 year old live with you?

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 10/04/2024 17:39

Exasperatednow · 10/04/2024 17:04

Does your 21 year old live with you?

Nope she moved out 2 years ago.

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Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/04/2024 18:09

Not many make their kids get the bus to them except those in London/very large cities

Among too many people I've seen, few dare to suggest they get the bus at all - not even for short and easy to access journeys into town or whatever

I once mentioned to an especially spolied 16 year old who was harrassing her mum that there was a perfectly good bus route 3 minutes walk from the house and she looked as if I'd suggested a 10 mile hike over bogs

And then some wonder how this entitlement starts ...

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 10/04/2024 18:12

parietal · 10/04/2024 09:24

Your DH needs to be busy with other things - an evening hobby or must do reading for next weeks book group or anything so his DC get the habit of travelling on their own.

Or a nice big glass of wine 😆

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 10/04/2024 18:18

2 busses is absolutely fine.
To all the posters who think the children should learn to drive - my 24 yr old had a two hour lesson that was £76. That’s pretty average, It’s simply not affordable.

cellfish · 10/04/2024 18:20

Goldenbear · 10/04/2024 10:17

YABU - IME, it is pretty run of the mill. I am a parent to a nearly 17 year old and I actually want him to get a lift from me or DH if he is arriving home late, I don’t want him to walk home from certain parts of the city (which he often does) as statistically this is a very vulnerable age for being a victim of street crime. In my mind this is being a responsible parent.

if you have the added problem of crap public transport what is the youngest in particular supposed to do, 24 years old is very different to 17.

Same here.

gemsgv · 10/04/2024 18:36

I usually hate situations like this but for my own children, I'd be much more lenient because I'd want to do things for them.

I usually find the worst group for this are women in their 30s/40s who have "never really needed a car" but only managed this by being driven around their whole adult life by partners etc

If you are going somewhere with them, doesn't matter if it's 1 mile from where you live and they live 8 miles away. You have a car and they don't so they expect you to do the full 32 mile double round trip.

there, I've said it