DH being treated like unpaid Uber

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

I know this isn't a me problem because I refuse to do all the running around but am fed up of DH getting annoyed about this but doing fuck all about it. His two kids (I say kids loosely as they are 17 and 24) expect him to drive them around here there and everywhere without a word of thanks. Eldest is working but refuses to learn to drive; whenever she visits it's just expected that he picks her up and drops her off. Youngest still stays here part of the week and what's prompted my rant is that it was dropped on us last night that he's out for the day today in another city a couple of hours away and is expected to be picked up at the train station, driven to mum's to pick up his overnight stuff (opposite end of the city to us) and then driven back here to stay the night. This is all lateish at night btw, and we only found out about this 'expectation' late last night after DH had to prise out of his son how he was getting to our house. Meanwhile ExW refuses to encourage any growing up at all and enables their reliance on parents.

AIBU to think that at this age they need to have a bit of consideration and appreciation for their dad and to maybe start thinking for themselves about how they're going to get around? When does it end?

One occasion each of being stranded when they expect transport with no prior warning might leave them more considerate in the future. It sounds like your dh is unlikely to be able to put in a boundary even as a one off though, and he may just continue to enable this behaviour.

This is all lateish at night btw, and we only found out about this 'expectation' late last night after DH had to prise out of his son how he was getting to our house.

Why did he prise it out of him? When your DH is dealing with a 17 year old he's entitled to assume he'll make his own arrangements for transport when he chooses to go somewhere else for the day. If your DH hadn't bothered to prise it out of him, he simply wouldn't have turned up to collect his son, and son would have had to get his arse onto a bus.

I can guarantee he'd have got a panicked phone call along the lines of 'uh where are you dad, I told you by the powers of telepathy that I needed picking up and taxiing to either end of the city for the entire evening.'

You sound really bitter. If their DD doesn’t mind, let it go.

What the ex wife does is not your business. She can ferry them around all she likes. If your DH is fed up being used like a free Uber then only he can't sort this by saying no. If he panders to them he can't then winge about it. If he's going to continue to run around after them then of course they're going to keep expecting it.

Meanwhile ExW refuses to encourage any growing up at all and enables their reliance on parents.

Erm... sounds like your DH is doing exactly the same thing.

However, you and exW chose where to live and created this difficult transport situation for the kids so you are responsible for providing driving lessons or ferrying between parents houses.

Oh of course it's the stepmums fault. Go on say it "you knew he had kids bla bla bla".

It doesn't seem like she is complaining about them directly. She is complaining that her DH is running around after them then moaning about running around after them. DH either needs to tell them no or need to stop moaning about it.

OP literally said her DH is annoyed by it.

It's extremely rude to cancel plans with anyone because someone else wants a lift instead of getting public transport. Children or not. I'd be pissed off if my DH dropped plans with me to go be taxi for someone. But of course, the 2nd wife is the issue. She's not allowed to be taken into consideration.

Dies dh actually mind though? Or just the OP?

I used to be 24.
And I can’t imagine relying on my daddy to ferry me here and there and everywhere.
I’d would’ve been mortified by that.
At 24, I was working, owned a car and had been living independently for years.
Buy the kids a used car, get them driving lessons & licenses and put a stop to this nonsense once and for all.

People can’t just buy cars and driving lessons (what about the upkeep?) unless you’ve got lots of spare cash lying around.

I don’t think it’s a stepmum issue. We had exactly the same problem with our own kids. DH was happy(ish) to be the taxi, but it drove me mad. I didn’t mind if it was the odd time (maybe once a week) late at night but the kids just expected us to drop everything and inconvenience ourselves just so that they weren’t inconvenienced themselves.

I remember DS asking me for a lift to somewhere he had to go for work that day. It was a 20 minute train ride, but would have taken me 2 hours to drive through the city and back, so I refused. He thought I was BU, even though I offered to drop him at the station (which was only a 10 min walk).

DD still asks for lifts into town during the day, because she can’t be bothered getting the bus (which stops at the end of our road and runs every 10 mins). They're just little divas who think that public transport is below them.

This is why I got rid of my car in the pandemic. Admittedly I am in London where there is little point having one. DC now take the bus and Tube, cycle and walk, as do DH and I. We are all fitter and it builds character. DS doesn't like the Tube much and its expensive, so he walks 40 minutes to uni one way.

That’s not entirely fair. Parents complain about their kids all the time. It doesn’t necessarily mean they want to change anything, they just need an outlet.

If ex wife is insisting on set contact days for a 17 year old, then it wouldn't hurt her to help out with lifts.

No ifs, no buts other than it is self inflicted

I had a car when most others along the road did not other than dad and a couple of othr homes. Most of my rematives and firneds did not have a car - i was often driving and as soon as i said no, they were offended. Therefore, I just said no to all other than if it was my parents needing something done

Say no early and they will learn from that

The danger in saying no is that the kids will think that if dad cba to save them the long bus trip, they cba to do said bus trips and visit him.

But he should certainly be doing something about not asking in time for lifts other than from mums house to dad's and the assumption he's got nothing else to do

This.

Lol on here? Where there seem to be a huge amount of high earners with large houses. I'm a single parent living in a 2 bed flat ( at one time with 3 kids) Yet mine all learned to drive.

I don't buy new stuff for house and very little for myself nor do I have expensive haircuts/ treatments etc. id shudder at spending £40 on a top or £100 on a handbag so managed to save money for lessons etc and they all had jobs as teenagers

It's an expectation not an option in our house. Swimming is the other one

This. I was getting 4 buses every day just to go to school and back from the age of 11. There's public transport, the 'children' should use it.

Doesn't sound that bad.

The 24yo is asking to be picked up and dropped off when she visits. Well I'd do that for someone I wanted to see if they were visiting if I had a car and they didn't.

The 17yo is still a child and needs lifts at time. Yes, please give more notice or you can't guarantee that, but it's not necessarily unreasonable. Yes if it's a couple of hours away regularly, but if it's dropped at the station more often, then that isn't too bad.

I'd get him to emphasis the need for notice otherwise it isn't always possible, but not get too annoyed about it.

We gave DD the money for 20 driving lessons on her 17th birthday. It was during lockdown and she blew it on ASOS. Her dad gave her the same again for her 18th, and she promised she’d book the lessons. She didn’t, and blew the cash again. If she wants to learn to drive now, she’s on her own! And I’m not going to be Uber in the meantime.

To be honest if i was 17 and I had to use 4 buses to see my dad I probably wouldn't bother.

I'd wonder why I had to make the effort....because that's how a teenage mond works.

Ah see I paid the instructor directly for block booking. DD1 might possibly have done exactly that and blown the lot. DS also turned 17 during lock down and whinged it wasn't fair that his sisters had lessons on their 17th birthday and he couldnt #rolleyes