DH being treated like unpaid Uber

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

I know this isn't a me problem because I refuse to do all the running around but am fed up of DH getting annoyed about this but doing fuck all about it. His two kids (I say kids loosely as they are 17 and 24) expect him to drive them around here there and everywhere without a word of thanks. Eldest is working but refuses to learn to drive; whenever she visits it's just expected that he picks her up and drops her off. Youngest still stays here part of the week and what's prompted my rant is that it was dropped on us last night that he's out for the day today in another city a couple of hours away and is expected to be picked up at the train station, driven to mum's to pick up his overnight stuff (opposite end of the city to us) and then driven back here to stay the night. This is all lateish at night btw, and we only found out about this 'expectation' late last night after DH had to prise out of his son how he was getting to our house. Meanwhile ExW refuses to encourage any growing up at all and enables their reliance on parents.

AIBU to think that at this age they need to have a bit of consideration and appreciation for their dad and to maybe start thinking for themselves about how they're going to get around? When does it end?

At 17 I regularly had to take two buses to get to work, college, friend's houses or almost anywhere because we lived in an area with crap public transport.

So yes the 17yo (and definitely the 24yo) could and probably should get the bus or Uber. But it's also really nice that their dad seems to want to take them, IMO.

My dad could have driven me on many occasions, but he didn't want to. He wasn't busy. He just wasn't interested. I rarely asked as he had always refused, but it hurt knowing I wasn't worth the hassle of an occasional lift!

Maybe these kids are spoiled and ungrateful so this is irrelevant, but I do think it's kind of their dad and not to be discouraged unless it causes problems for you.

The dad taxi needs to call time on his services. You need to call him on his enabling behaviour.
He's producing adult babies. What's wrong with 2 busses?

Has their mother made any effort? Hardly surprising that she likes to baby her 'children', gives her a hold over the ex she cheated on.

The 24-year-old can start taking Ubers or taxis, they’re a working adult. I’d be more flexible with the 17-year-old. Could they start learning to drive?

Also, won’t car insurance costs start to decrease when the eldest turns 25?

we only found out about this 'expectation' late last night after DH had to prise out of his son how he was getting to our house.
Then DH needs to stop asking them how and just focus on the time/date, ie if you are feeding them. But there is a big chance they won't come, would DH be able to cope with that? And honestly, he is reaping what he sowed as a parent. He could have taught them manners years ago but he didn't.

'[I] am fed up of DH getting annoyed about this but doing fuck all about it'

Really, irrespective of the problem, YANBU to feel like this and to express it robustly.

There was a woman who used to post on the Step-Parenting Board about her DH's 18 year old son who rigidly maintained 'access visits' and it was driving her nuts being stuck in this rigid timetable. She had younger DC with the partner and felt trapped. In fact I don't think they were married when she started posting and lots of posters told her not to, but she did.

You are not hemmed in like that, OP, and have a fair bit of 'power' in this relationship, so can tell your DH to deal with it or stay quiet as it's all getting rather old now. My long-time DP and I have a whole sports team of adult DC between us 😱and have to negotiate this stuff constantly - and 'moaning on and doing nothing' is not an option.

The manners thing? He's fighting a losing battle against the ex who still treats them like they're little children. He pulls them up on things all the time but it falls on deaf ears as she doesn't instill the same values. I wish he hadn't even asked how DSS was getting here and left him stranded at the train station - that would be a lesson learnt.

YANBU to think it, but not much else can be done until your husbands stops being so available.

Allow him to moan though, as it’s perhaps a small price to pay for them still frequenting his home, who can has no reliable transport link 🤷🏽‍♀️.

Op you need to stop blaming everything on their mother, she's allowed to parent as she sees fit. These people have 2 parents and the eldest is old enough to know better - if DH actually dealt with it.

💯

if he wants to just complain endlessly say I’m not listening to this and leave the room.

he and his kids are ridiculous.

Why is the expectation and lack of appreciation anything to do with you? They’re not your kids, let him parent them how he sees fit.

Oh FFS I never said there was no reliable transport link - how many times!!

At the risk of this being a massive drip feed (sorry!) I would like people's thoughts on a related matter. ExW is planning on moving to another town when DSS is 18 to live with her partner. She is keeping on her house and thinks DSS will happily live there independently. All whilst not encouraging any form of independence right now in order to bridge the gap between being treated like a child (as per now) and being a full grown adult. Batshit, no?

Assuming they have mobile phones they can book an uber!

Sounds like it’s only you who has a problem with it?

Ignore it all unless it impacts on you, if it does have your say.

I typed no reliable transport link, so I apologise if I misunderstood.

I wouldn’t move out and leave an 18 year old behind, capable or incapable, but different strokes for different folks.

If this proves too much for the 18 year old, is it an option for him to move into his dad’s, where he will have a more responsible parent who may also better equip him for adulthood?

Yep, their Mum’s moving plans aren’t your problem, let your DH and her deal with it.

As I said upthread, encourage your DH to be less available for the older “child”. I imagine that many of us were completely independent of our parents by 24, heck, I was living in another country. If he starts saying no, they’ll have to figure out their own transport.

Fair enough. It becomes my problem if he ends up wanting to move here full time though.

When you marry someone with children, there’s always the possibility that they’ll live with you FT at some point though, isn’t there?

I appreciate what you’re saying, but tbf, why should your DSD live with her Mum and Mum’s partner instead of you? Of course, she might be fine on her own in her Mum’s house, she might love the freedom!

Yeah I was very upfront when we got married (and they all moved into my house) that that was never going to be acceptable to me. I have no interest in having someone else's adult kids live with me forever more.

I do get this. With 4 DC we have been through similar.

The only ones that bothered me were DS at 19 - telling us “you can pick me up now”. Not asking - telling. No please or thank you. H picked him up anyway, I wouldn’t have bothered until he learned some manners! He does ask politely now though 😂

Also DS at 20 - gets a job in a city 50 miles away and stays there Monday to Friday. Expects lifts there and back on a Sunday and Friday PM. Because a bus and a train is too difficult, apparently. H and I have Fridays off work, and like to do a long dog walk in the afternoon which is now impossible with almost 4 hours of the day out to pick him up. Happily he’s now been told to get the bloody train, but it took a year…

(DS can’t drive as his license is suspended for medical reasons unfortunately so I do try and find SOME sympathy!)

Also DS16 with a questionable girlfriend - we asked him/her to get picked up from our house 50% of the time. She’d turn up repeatedly with no lift and DS expected her to be taken home because no other option. I was fed up of it so told him she either sorts her own transport or doesn’t come. They broke up soon after, happily 😂

Anyway fast forward a year - 3 out of 4 now have their own cars so we can finally kick back and relax. No more daily lifts! It does get a lot easier if they just learn to drive. We paid for their lessons as 17th birthday gifts and gave them a reasonable contribution towards a car - they paid the other 50% or so themselves from their savings and pay for petrol etc from their PT jobs. We only did lifts for the last year or so on the understanding that they learned to drive ASAP after turning 17. No way was I babying them forever.

I’ve gone with YABU entirely because you’ve tried to blame ex wife.

... am fed up of DH getting annoyed about this but doing fuck all about it

Sounds to me as if your irritation's focused in the right direction; their own mother might enjoy "treating them like children" but that doesn't mean he has to as well

Nothing wrong with driving them about occasionally to help out, but not when it becomes an expectation for every little thing, and I certainly wouldn't be prepared to listen to moaning when the answer's in DH's own hands

Are taking the 2 busses manageable? Like they're frequent, easy to catch etc.? Cause taking 2 busses to places is totally normal and most people have to do that since one bus line rarely covers school, work, hobbies.
Or does it take 2h (compared to 20min drive) and there is two busses a day and all that inconvenience.

The manners thing? He's fighting a losing battle against the ex who still treats them like they're little children. He pulls them up on things all the time but it falls on deaf ears as she doesn't instill the same values.
Stop blaming Ex for his lack of parenting. What consequences did he give for their lack of manners or anything else? We all learn to behave differently to other people from a young age. I wouldn't have dreamt behaving the exact same way to DM, DF, siblings, teachers, friends etc. How his children behave with him, is down to his own parenting. And he is still doing the lack of consequences/parenting by running around after them but moaning to you.

As for Ex moving out and leaving the 18yr old in charge of her house - well I would be laughing my head off at that and say bring it on. The amount of media stories about parents going in holiday and leaving 18yr old behind who have out of control parties that wreck the family home, piss of all the neighbours and incur a serious telling off from the police (even before the local papers get wind), would soon result in "consequences " for them all.

I think you need to have a serious chat with DH. Tell him to stop moaning about things he could have changed years ago, and remind him that his DS will not reside with you if he can't cope living alone. DH needs to step up and teach his son how to cook, how to clean, do laundry, how to pay bills (who will be providing the cash for that?), how to budget, etc etc. right now so DS will be capable and confident by the time his mother moves out.