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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have just driven off?

727 replies

Oklie · 09/04/2024 22:13

On my way home from work I collect mine and DHs DC either from nursery or my parents wherever they are that day as both are on my route home.

I also pass my husbands exes house who he shares a child with and so on the days (50:50) they are with us my husband will ask me to collect SC too.

Our DC are young and are often ratty by 5:30/6pm when they are picked up. There are often tantrums in the car or trying to get out of car seats when we pull up anywhere etc..

I have asked time and time again for SC to be ready when we arrive, he knows the time we will be there and I always let him know on the day too both earlier and 10 mins before we arrive. His mum also knows when I'll be picking up. However he always without fail seems to take ages coming out and its chaotic in the car waiting with tired, hungry and grumpy little ones.

I have asked dh to speak to him, I have spoken to him myself, I have asked DH to speak to ex, I have called / texted when I'm there and it's been 10 + mins of waiting in the car.

Anyway today I'd just had enough. It got to 15 mins of waiting in the car and I rang him again to which he admitted he was "just finishing a game" (as in a multiplayer xbox game) and was 'coming now'.

It got to gone 20 minutes I'd been waiting and so I text again, said it wasnt on and that I was going now and I just drove off and left. DH later went back himself.

DH thinks I was wrong, ex is apparently "fuming" because it meant she had to set off late for work waiting for DH to get there (but couldn't make sure he was ready to go on time obviously). I am passed caring. I don't mind picking up SS but I don't want to be left outside in the car for 20+ bloody minutes dealing with stressed out toddlers. It's disrespectful, especially when it's down to finishing a fucking game. This is not the first time this has happened, its not even uncommon, its practically 90% of the time I go I am left waiting for a stupid amount of time.

Was I unreasonable to have left? SS is 12.

OP posts:
Notinthemood12 · 10/04/2024 07:30

Good on you. If they don’t fix up going forwards then dad can pick up

ShortLivedComment · 10/04/2024 07:31

It sounds like she was doing it on purpose too.

hattie43 · 10/04/2024 07:31

Good for you OP. Persistent lateness is just rude

FlakyPanda · 10/04/2024 07:31

Neodymium · 09/04/2024 22:24

I would tell them that you are waiting no more than 5 minutes from now on and then leaving. He should be out immediately when you arrive. It is just completely rude to keep someone waiting. And his mum allowing it too. My kids game and there is no way I would ever let them sit on a game if someone was waiting to collect them.

This! I wouldn’t wait 20 minutes for someone to finish a game (!) with two tired , hungry wee ones, you were beyond reasonable imo. Now you’ve shown them you’re serious about not hanging around it hopefully won’t happen again!

Copperoliverbear · 10/04/2024 07:31

You are totally reasonable and if I were you I'd say to all of them, I will pick him up if he's ready when I get there I will try one more time, if he's not ready I will leave after 5 minutes and DH will have to collect him in future.

Awrite · 10/04/2024 07:32

@Oklie If your dh had been apologetic, backed you up and promised to sort this out, then fair enough, give them another chance.

To be annoyed at you though is shameful. You make his life easier and this is the thanks you get.

Time to stop being taken for a mug.

Copperoliverbear · 10/04/2024 07:33

Also his mother is taking the P too she knows you are outside.

Daffodilsarentfluffy · 10/04/2024 07:34

Just leave dss dps to it. If they are prepared to pander to him fine. But you aren't.. You have your own dc to attend to.

Brefugee · 10/04/2024 07:35

Fairyliz · 10/04/2024 06:31

This is an interesting thread; I agree you shouldn’t have to wait more than a couple of minutes.
However there was a thread yesterday where someone was waiting for a friend and lots of posters thought being 10/15/20 minutes late was perfectly acceptable.
I know people will say the difference is that you have young children; but is it magically okay to keep people waiting once they get to a certain age? If so what is the age?

yeah - i don't wait for friends if they are one of those notoriously late ones. If they are late as a one-off, perhaps (depending on what we were meeting for)

I rate both my time and punctuality very highly. I wouldn't wait 5 minutes for SS, i would expect him to be ready to get in my car (and I'd probably text 15 minutes early a couple of times so that he is waiting 5 minutes). Friends? they are adults. They get one chance. (unless i know it really is an emergency/late bus etc.)

supersop60 · 10/04/2024 07:37

Ilovelurchers · 10/04/2024 07:22

I think all the advice you have been given so far comes from the moral standpoint that everybody needs to simply consider their own interests and well-being, and fuck everyone else. You don't want to wait so don't wait....

Well OK, you can do that. And the relationships between all the adults involved here will deteriorate still further, and the one who will suffer most of all will be the 12 year old boy, who is the one person did not pick any aspect of this situation, but nonetheless has his entire childhood governed by it.

Or you could all grow up a bit, put your differences aside and actually work creating a decent, cooperative co-parenting relationship, rather than all hating each other forever.

This is mostly the responsibility of his mom and dad, of course. But you did knowingly have a child with a man who already has a child, so some responsibility is yours too, whether you choose to shoulder it or not.

(And I say this as a woman who has a child with a man she is no longer with - i am not suggesting it's easy. I'm suggesting it's morally imperative).

The OP has fulfilled her part of the co-parenting relationship by picking up her SS many times, to make things easier for everyone.
Is there not also a moral imperative on the ex to facilitate this, and basically not be rude to someone who is helping her and her son?

socks1107 · 10/04/2024 07:37

Not unreasonable at all. As this also wasn't the first time either.
From now on 5 mins wait or continue to drive off they are all taking the piss

Copperoliverbear · 10/04/2024 07:37

Maybe say I will give ten minutes notice if he's not at the door when I get there I will drive on, I bet she makes sure he's ready then x

KoolKookaburra · 10/04/2024 07:37

DH thinks I was wrong, ex is apparently "fuming" because it meant she had to set off late for work waiting for DH to get there (but couldn't make sure he was ready to go on time obviously

Ex's work is not your responsibility. Personally I'd say you're willing to wait up to 5 minutes from when you text you are there (you shouldn't even have to do that) and then you will be leaving

Otherstories2002 · 10/04/2024 07:38

Oklie · 09/04/2024 22:29

To be honest the more I think about it the more I just think nah I'm not doing it again now. DH can come out of his way or she can. I don't see why I should. I think I'll just say im done collecting full stop now.

I would definitely do a few more pull up and wait 5. Just to give him a chance to adjust to what should always have been the rule.

Otherstories2002 · 10/04/2024 07:38

Copperoliverbear · 10/04/2024 07:37

Maybe say I will give ten minutes notice if he's not at the door when I get there I will drive on, I bet she makes sure he's ready then x

Ten minutes is excessive. He’s had a ten minute warning.

KoolKookaburra · 10/04/2024 07:38

The only reason I would give 5 mins notice is that invariably something will crop up just as you arrive and he's ready to go eg. Don't forget to take homework. It's what seems to happen at this age.

CurlewKate · 10/04/2024 07:39

@Noyesnoyes
Your previous post said she should've told the child that she wax outside, she did! "

I know she let the kid know.

I think she should have let the mum know too. One word text. "Outside". How can she cooperate if she doesn't know.

If the kid then isn't out in -absolute max-10
then drive off. But not fair to put all the responsibility on the kid.

KoolKookaburra · 10/04/2024 07:39

Your DH's attitude also sucks. You are doing him a massive favour

Brefugee · 10/04/2024 07:39

Noyesnoyes · 10/04/2024 07:24

I wouldn't wait 29 mins for my own child to finish a game with his two unhappy siblings in the car..

Because that's what makes children entitled and badly behaved!

Show quote history

yeah, there's no "finishing a game" with mine. I'd pull the plug out.
There is the "we've got the 10 minute warning, shoes & coat on get by the door."

the only growing up that needs to be done here is by DSSs actual parents for whom someone is doing a favour.

KoolKookaburra · 10/04/2024 07:39

CurlewKate · 10/04/2024 07:39

@Noyesnoyes
Your previous post said she should've told the child that she wax outside, she did! "

I know she let the kid know.

I think she should have let the mum know too. One word text. "Outside". How can she cooperate if she doesn't know.

If the kid then isn't out in -absolute max-10
then drive off. But not fair to put all the responsibility on the kid.

She knew what time OP was due

JMSA · 10/04/2024 07:40

On what planet are people this rude and entitled?!
YANBU.
Flowers

KoolKookaburra · 10/04/2024 07:40

It's good practice for if he ever wants to catch a bus

CornishTiger · 10/04/2024 07:41

KoolKookaburra · 10/04/2024 07:40

It's good practice for if he ever wants to catch a bus

😂😂😂

Noyesnoyes · 10/04/2024 07:42

CurlewKate · 10/04/2024 07:39

@Noyesnoyes
Your previous post said she should've told the child that she wax outside, she did! "

I know she let the kid know.

I think she should have let the mum know too. One word text. "Outside". How can she cooperate if she doesn't know.

If the kid then isn't out in -absolute max-10
then drive off. But not fair to put all the responsibility on the kid.

And this is why children grown up without any responsibility or respect!

Probably the SM was parented to not take responsibility at 12 and therefore neither does her child.

He's 12, can tell the time and can take responsibility.

Nicole1111 · 10/04/2024 07:44

Good for you for demanding respect and putting in clear consequences when it’s not given. Shame on ss’s parents for not supporting you with that.

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