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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have just driven off?

727 replies

Oklie · 09/04/2024 22:13

On my way home from work I collect mine and DHs DC either from nursery or my parents wherever they are that day as both are on my route home.

I also pass my husbands exes house who he shares a child with and so on the days (50:50) they are with us my husband will ask me to collect SC too.

Our DC are young and are often ratty by 5:30/6pm when they are picked up. There are often tantrums in the car or trying to get out of car seats when we pull up anywhere etc..

I have asked time and time again for SC to be ready when we arrive, he knows the time we will be there and I always let him know on the day too both earlier and 10 mins before we arrive. His mum also knows when I'll be picking up. However he always without fail seems to take ages coming out and its chaotic in the car waiting with tired, hungry and grumpy little ones.

I have asked dh to speak to him, I have spoken to him myself, I have asked DH to speak to ex, I have called / texted when I'm there and it's been 10 + mins of waiting in the car.

Anyway today I'd just had enough. It got to 15 mins of waiting in the car and I rang him again to which he admitted he was "just finishing a game" (as in a multiplayer xbox game) and was 'coming now'.

It got to gone 20 minutes I'd been waiting and so I text again, said it wasnt on and that I was going now and I just drove off and left. DH later went back himself.

DH thinks I was wrong, ex is apparently "fuming" because it meant she had to set off late for work waiting for DH to get there (but couldn't make sure he was ready to go on time obviously). I am passed caring. I don't mind picking up SS but I don't want to be left outside in the car for 20+ bloody minutes dealing with stressed out toddlers. It's disrespectful, especially when it's down to finishing a fucking game. This is not the first time this has happened, its not even uncommon, its practically 90% of the time I go I am left waiting for a stupid amount of time.

Was I unreasonable to have left? SS is 12.

OP posts:
dirtyblond · 09/04/2024 22:27

I would not even wait 5 minutes in future. I would say 60 seconds or I'm off without you

Well done, for not letting them walk all over you - how disrespectful

moonlightandstars · 09/04/2024 22:27

Not unreasonable at all. If anything his mother should also be printing him to get ready knowing full well you're outside waiting for him!

moonlightandstars · 09/04/2024 22:28

moonlightandstars · 09/04/2024 22:27

Not unreasonable at all. If anything his mother should also be printing him to get ready knowing full well you're outside waiting for him!

Prompting*!!!

Original poster
Oklie · 09/04/2024 22:29

To be honest the more I think about it the more I just think nah I'm not doing it again now. DH can come out of his way or she can. I don't see why I should. I think I'll just say im done collecting full stop now.

OP posts:
HermioneWeasley · 09/04/2024 22:29

You’ve drawn your boundary and I’ll bet it’s respected from now on!

pizzaHeart · 09/04/2024 22:29

I think the fact that he is your SS is actually not relevant. You are regularly picking him up at the end of the day with 2 small children in the car and the waiting time is getting longer and longer. Your kids are probably hungry, tired, want to go to the toilet.
Both SS and ex were very rude. He is 12 so clearly understand that you are picking him up and he is not ready. And his mum is at home and does nothing about it.
Hope it’s a good lesson for both of them and for your DH.

WigglyVonWaggly · 09/04/2024 22:30

They are taking the piss. YANBU. 12 is old enough to not be bloody rude keeping someone waiting to give you a lift. The people that will defend him playing computer games while an adult sits around waiting for him are the parents whose kids are probably cheeky little buggers at school.

dirtyblond · 09/04/2024 22:32

Oklie · 09/04/2024 22:29

To be honest the more I think about it the more I just think nah I'm not doing it again now. DH can come out of his way or she can. I don't see why I should. I think I'll just say im done collecting full stop now.

I think thats fine, good for you.

Screamingabdabz · 09/04/2024 22:32

Well done op. So many women on here enable the shit they put up with. Good for you for not bloody well having it. Sometimes deliberately inconveniencing arseholes is the only way to get respect.

Applesandpears23 · 09/04/2024 22:32

If you gave me a 10 min warning I would have child standing by the door ready to go when you arrived. Waiting more than 5 mins is an unreasonable expectation. If you call a taxi they wouldn’t wait more than a couple of mins and you’d get charged waiting time.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 09/04/2024 22:33

I think one of the biggest issues here is that DH thinks it was acceptable to keep you waiting 20 minutes with 2 young children in the car while a 12 year old finished a video game. So disrespectful and the fact DH thinks you were wrong to drive off is very worrying. You were 100% right and I’m amazed you let it go on for that long.

Whycantiwinmillionsandsquillions · 09/04/2024 22:34

I wouldn’t pick him up again.
Leave it to his parents to sort then it’s up to them what happens.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 09/04/2024 22:35

Oklie · 09/04/2024 22:29

To be honest the more I think about it the more I just think nah I'm not doing it again now. DH can come out of his way or she can. I don't see why I should. I think I'll just say im done collecting full stop now.

Agree!

springtome · 09/04/2024 22:35

AutumnFroglets · 09/04/2024 22:19

I wouldn't have waited the 20 minutes even without toddlers. Either he's out in 5 minutes or you stop collecting him at all. Well done OP.

100% this. Five mins is enough time for him to gather his bags and put his coat and shoes on.

Tell, SS, DH and the ex that he gets five mins from now on and then you are going. I bet you will only have to leave him once or twice before his mum starts getting him ready!

JayAlfredPrufrock · 09/04/2024 22:36

I’d expect him to be stood at the door when I arrived.

springblosso · 09/04/2024 22:37

Oklie · 09/04/2024 22:29

To be honest the more I think about it the more I just think nah I'm not doing it again now. DH can come out of his way or she can. I don't see why I should. I think I'll just say im done collecting full stop now.

Yep, I agree

DetOliviaBenson · 09/04/2024 22:38

I'd just stop picking him up. Let his mum and dad deal with ferrying him to yours and back. I'm sure his mum will soon light a fire up his arse to get him off his X-Box when she's going to be late for work.

DetOliviaBenson · 09/04/2024 22:38

Well done OP!

(That was to your latest update).

Shatteredallthetimelately · 09/04/2024 22:39

You say its not a new thing, they're taking the piss.

Your SS mum is happy for you to hang around but suddenly she's put on the spot and is late for work and gets arse achy.

I'd give two options and let them choose.
1.... You're passing anyway so if SS is outside and waiting in your view you'll pull over and pick him up.
2.... If he's not then you'll keep driving.

MrsKeats · 09/04/2024 22:43

Good for you op.
Finishing a game whilst you and tired younger kids wait is taking the mickey.
You are doing them a favour!!
Your DH should be backing you up.,

DonnaBanana · 09/04/2024 22:44

It's ridiculous. Say three times a week you are waiting 15 minutes, that is 45 minutes a week or 40 hours a year. That is an entire workweek of waiting for a petulant 12 year old stepchild

Starseeking · 09/04/2024 22:48

You were not unreasonable to have driven off, especially as he knew you were waiting and was playing computer games! It was extremely disrespectful of your time. DSS's mum should have been getting him to hurry along, although at 12 he would have known it was not on to be dawdling like that.

Now that they know you mean business, I'd give them one last chance to be out on time. If DSS takes his time coming out of the house once more, I would refuse to do any pick-ups and hand the job back to your DH.

RazzberryGem · 09/04/2024 22:53

I get why they were annoyed with you but to be honest, you gave plenty of reminders and it seems like you were trying to put a system into place to keep the transition nice and smooth.

How long did they expect you and your children to sit there and wait ffs...?! YANBU. Sassy (in a good way) but no, not unreasonable.

SD1978 · 09/04/2024 23:41

Fair- you let them know you are on the way, he has 10minutes to grab his stuff which I assume is already packed, and head out. I wouldn't be giving it more than 10minutes (max) him and his mum need to take a bit more responsibility and I don't blame you for driving off- I would have to.

ChinnyChin2 · 09/04/2024 23:50

Oklie · 09/04/2024 22:29

To be honest the more I think about it the more I just think nah I'm not doing it again now. DH can come out of his way or she can. I don't see why I should. I think I'll just say im done collecting full stop now.

This, 100%

You have done your bit.
It has been unappreciated and downright disrespected (he is JUST FINISHING HIS GAME - what?? Your H should have verbally given him what for when he heard this, so rude) so no more.