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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have just driven off?

727 replies

Oklie · 09/04/2024 22:13

On my way home from work I collect mine and DHs DC either from nursery or my parents wherever they are that day as both are on my route home.

I also pass my husbands exes house who he shares a child with and so on the days (50:50) they are with us my husband will ask me to collect SC too.

Our DC are young and are often ratty by 5:30/6pm when they are picked up. There are often tantrums in the car or trying to get out of car seats when we pull up anywhere etc..

I have asked time and time again for SC to be ready when we arrive, he knows the time we will be there and I always let him know on the day too both earlier and 10 mins before we arrive. His mum also knows when I'll be picking up. However he always without fail seems to take ages coming out and its chaotic in the car waiting with tired, hungry and grumpy little ones.

I have asked dh to speak to him, I have spoken to him myself, I have asked DH to speak to ex, I have called / texted when I'm there and it's been 10 + mins of waiting in the car.

Anyway today I'd just had enough. It got to 15 mins of waiting in the car and I rang him again to which he admitted he was "just finishing a game" (as in a multiplayer xbox game) and was 'coming now'.

It got to gone 20 minutes I'd been waiting and so I text again, said it wasnt on and that I was going now and I just drove off and left. DH later went back himself.

DH thinks I was wrong, ex is apparently "fuming" because it meant she had to set off late for work waiting for DH to get there (but couldn't make sure he was ready to go on time obviously). I am passed caring. I don't mind picking up SS but I don't want to be left outside in the car for 20+ bloody minutes dealing with stressed out toddlers. It's disrespectful, especially when it's down to finishing a fucking game. This is not the first time this has happened, its not even uncommon, its practically 90% of the time I go I am left waiting for a stupid amount of time.

Was I unreasonable to have left? SS is 12.

OP posts:
YeahComeOnThen · 09/04/2024 23:51

Oklie · 09/04/2024 22:29

To be honest the more I think about it the more I just think nah I'm not doing it again now. DH can come out of his way or she can. I don't see why I should. I think I'll just say im done collecting full stop now.

@Oklie

Yep!! That's the solution.

out of all of them I'd be more angry with your DH.

Lampshadeblue · 09/04/2024 23:54

I agree with you. Just stop collecting from now on, it’s just not your job. It’s concerning though that even though you’re doing your husband a favour he hasn’t got your back when you’re messed about. I’d be upset about that :-(

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 10/04/2024 00:00

I think I would probably give him another chance for the sake of family harmony, but I'd be very clear about boundaries. He can be out the door within five minutes of you pulling up or you go without him. Every time. It wouldn't be unreasonable to refuse to ever pick him up again, but if you can come to an agreement where you will pick him up provided he is ready on time you'll probably have a better relationship with him moving forward.

I'm shocked at his mum daring to be angry with you though. She was in a far better position than you to do something to fix the situation and chose not to. You were doing her a favour.

LenaLamont · 10/04/2024 00:01

My younger brother would make our mum
late every day, faffing at the last minute.

One day she told him she would be leaving on time and he would have a very long walk if he wasn’t at the car at exactly the time she said.

He was hopping down the middle of the street in one shoe, shouting angrily at the car as she drove off.

He was never once late again.

(I say this to point out it’s not a Step thing, it’s an ignored boundaries thing, and you are entirely in the right)

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/04/2024 01:11

Oklie · 09/04/2024 22:29

To be honest the more I think about it the more I just think nah I'm not doing it again now. DH can come out of his way or she can. I don't see why I should. I think I'll just say im done collecting full stop now.

I think you absolutely should step back from this. He has two parents, one of them will just have to step up and do parent(verb) as well as parent(noun). You were doing DH and his ex a favour. Ex and her son chose to abuse your generosity, withdrawing your generosity is absolutely sensible.

I believe what they did is now called 'Fuck About and Find Out'. Well, they did - and they did.

Sladuf · 10/04/2024 01:28

I think there are times in life when a line needs to be drawn in the sand. This was one of those times.

How much longer does DH feel it would have been reasonable to have continued waiting? Strikes me there could also have been a bit of game playing going on here in another sense, OP. I am a very cynical person but at 12 years old you know how to push buttons and wind people up. I distrust the stepson with this and wouldn’t rule this possibility out either.

Neodymium · 10/04/2024 05:05

I would tell the ex and your dh that you will drive past and if he is waiting out the front you will stop and collect. Otherwise you will keep driving.

SereneHighnessPrincessTheresa · 10/04/2024 05:15

I bet your DH had to wait no time at all when he went to collect him. They're taking the piss, he's ready and waiting or you drive on home.

Noyesnoyes · 10/04/2024 05:16

well.bloody.done!

You're not a fucking taxi service, that can charge waiting time!

Noyesnoyes · 10/04/2024 05:20

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 10/04/2024 00:00

I think I would probably give him another chance for the sake of family harmony, but I'd be very clear about boundaries. He can be out the door within five minutes of you pulling up or you go without him. Every time. It wouldn't be unreasonable to refuse to ever pick him up again, but if you can come to an agreement where you will pick him up provided he is ready on time you'll probably have a better relationship with him moving forward.

I'm shocked at his mum daring to be angry with you though. She was in a far better position than you to do something to fix the situation and chose not to. You were doing her a favour.

Why should OP wait five minutes?

He's given ample warning and should be ready and waiting.

That's if OP wants to bother again.

imforeverblowingbuttons · 10/04/2024 05:39

You did the right thing. I get why she's annoyed but she has facilitated this situation.

I'd be very annoyed with your dh for expecting you to be the good wifey , keep quiet and put up with this. It's the last time I'd do it.

PhoebeTribiani · 10/04/2024 05:49

You did the right thing, so disrespectful.

Also , the mum is playing a dangerous game here, allowing her 12 year old son to behave disrespectfully towards you. She'll be on the receiving end of it herself if she's not careful. What kind of example is she hoping to be to this young male.

Fairyliz · 10/04/2024 06:31

This is an interesting thread; I agree you shouldn’t have to wait more than a couple of minutes.
However there was a thread yesterday where someone was waiting for a friend and lots of posters thought being 10/15/20 minutes late was perfectly acceptable.
I know people will say the difference is that you have young children; but is it magically okay to keep people waiting once they get to a certain age? If so what is the age?

MississippiAF · 10/04/2024 06:36

Oklie · 09/04/2024 22:29

To be honest the more I think about it the more I just think nah I'm not doing it again now. DH can come out of his way or she can. I don't see why I should. I think I'll just say im done collecting full stop now.

Also agree; you’ve done your bit, they’re taking the piss, and daring to be angry about it shows their lack of respect.

Roselilly36 · 10/04/2024 06:40

You have enough on your plate, don’t do the pick up anymore, his dad needs to collect him.

ChubbyMorticia · 10/04/2024 06:40

Wow. No sk here, but if my kids are to be picked up by ANYONE, they’re at the door and waiting ten minutes before the ride is due. Someone is doing them/me a favour or has invited them to something nice, like hell the ride will wait!

Absolute bullshit. I wouldn’t be picking him up again either.

PotatoPudding · 10/04/2024 06:41

Hopefully his mother will make sure he’s ready now she’s been late for work. You are not being unreasonable at all. Five minutes is reasonable.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 10/04/2024 06:43

I read your post a few hours ago and I’m still angry for you… your DH is a dick he should be reading the riot act to his son and ex not getting grumpy at you!!! 10 min warning and then waiting 20 mins with toddlers in the car I would be furious.

I agree with others 10 min warning and then if he isn’t ready at/ near the front door once you pull up you drive away…. Respect is a two way street!!

bellezarara · 10/04/2024 06:46

Oklie · 09/04/2024 22:29

To be honest the more I think about it the more I just think nah I'm not doing it again now. DH can come out of his way or she can. I don't see why I should. I think I'll just say im done collecting full stop now.

Yes, use this as an out. They have taken the piss and their attitude shows they see your time as unimportant.

Just refuse to do it ever again and tell DH he needs to figure out with ex himself.

Floofydawg · 10/04/2024 06:48

I wouldn't have even waited that long. Stop doing the pick-ups, they're taking the piss.

crockofshite · 10/04/2024 06:48

Neodymium · 09/04/2024 22:24

I would tell them that you are waiting no more than 5 minutes from now on and then leaving. He should be out immediately when you arrive. It is just completely rude to keep someone waiting. And his mum allowing it too. My kids game and there is no way I would ever let them sit on a game if someone was waiting to collect them.

Why should OP have to wait even a nanosecond? The kid should be ready to leave as soon as she drives up.

Well done OP for driving off. Too bad if the mother was inconvenienced. Next time she'll have the kid ready to go.

kiwiane · 10/04/2024 06:49

I would just stop collecting him and leave it to his parents from now on. It is a horrid end to
a long day for you and your children.

Branster · 10/04/2024 06:49

Completely out of line for DH and ex to be annoyed with you here.
Very rude of the ex and SS to keep you waiting like this and on a regular basis.
You did nothing wrong.
The parents need to deal with this.
I suspect SS simply doesn't want to leave home and he's trying to delay getting in the car with you. I imagine the majority of children can't be enjoying moving house all the time for shared parenting.

CurlewKate · 10/04/2024 06:53

If the boy's mother knew you were waiting then you were perfectly reasonable. If she didn't and you were relying on the child to come out on time then you weren't.

bellezarara · 10/04/2024 06:54

CurlewKate · 10/04/2024 06:53

If the boy's mother knew you were waiting then you were perfectly reasonable. If she didn't and you were relying on the child to come out on time then you weren't.

Read the OP, she says: His mum also knows when I'll be picking up.