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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have just driven off?

727 replies

Oklie · 09/04/2024 22:13

On my way home from work I collect mine and DHs DC either from nursery or my parents wherever they are that day as both are on my route home.

I also pass my husbands exes house who he shares a child with and so on the days (50:50) they are with us my husband will ask me to collect SC too.

Our DC are young and are often ratty by 5:30/6pm when they are picked up. There are often tantrums in the car or trying to get out of car seats when we pull up anywhere etc..

I have asked time and time again for SC to be ready when we arrive, he knows the time we will be there and I always let him know on the day too both earlier and 10 mins before we arrive. His mum also knows when I'll be picking up. However he always without fail seems to take ages coming out and its chaotic in the car waiting with tired, hungry and grumpy little ones.

I have asked dh to speak to him, I have spoken to him myself, I have asked DH to speak to ex, I have called / texted when I'm there and it's been 10 + mins of waiting in the car.

Anyway today I'd just had enough. It got to 15 mins of waiting in the car and I rang him again to which he admitted he was "just finishing a game" (as in a multiplayer xbox game) and was 'coming now'.

It got to gone 20 minutes I'd been waiting and so I text again, said it wasnt on and that I was going now and I just drove off and left. DH later went back himself.

DH thinks I was wrong, ex is apparently "fuming" because it meant she had to set off late for work waiting for DH to get there (but couldn't make sure he was ready to go on time obviously). I am passed caring. I don't mind picking up SS but I don't want to be left outside in the car for 20+ bloody minutes dealing with stressed out toddlers. It's disrespectful, especially when it's down to finishing a fucking game. This is not the first time this has happened, its not even uncommon, its practically 90% of the time I go I am left waiting for a stupid amount of time.

Was I unreasonable to have left? SS is 12.

OP posts:
Noyesnoyes · 10/04/2024 06:56

CurlewKate · 10/04/2024 06:53

If the boy's mother knew you were waiting then you were perfectly reasonable. If she didn't and you were relying on the child to come out on time then you weren't.

It's clear the mother did know and also the child is 12, soo can take responsibility himself.

Ohnodontwantthiscrush · 10/04/2024 06:57

Shatteredallthetimelately · 09/04/2024 22:39

You say its not a new thing, they're taking the piss.

Your SS mum is happy for you to hang around but suddenly she's put on the spot and is late for work and gets arse achy.

I'd give two options and let them choose.
1.... You're passing anyway so if SS is outside and waiting in your view you'll pull over and pick him up.
2.... If he's not then you'll keep driving.

I agree.

CurlewKate · 10/04/2024 06:59

Yes, the child should take responsibility for himself. But kids don't always.

Knowing what time pick up should happen is not the same as knowing that the picker up is waiting outside in the car.

KoolKookaburra · 10/04/2024 07:01

Fairyliz · 10/04/2024 06:31

This is an interesting thread; I agree you shouldn’t have to wait more than a couple of minutes.
However there was a thread yesterday where someone was waiting for a friend and lots of posters thought being 10/15/20 minutes late was perfectly acceptable.
I know people will say the difference is that you have young children; but is it magically okay to keep people waiting once they get to a certain age? If so what is the age?

It's not acceptable not without a text and an apology

familyissues12345 · 10/04/2024 07:01

Your DH needs to step up and either lay down some ground rules or pick up his son himself.

I don't agree with pp who say you're doing his ex a favour and she should be dropping him - it's his contact time, up to him to sort it out. She definitely should be chivvying him along to make sure he's bloody ready though!

Floppyelf · 10/04/2024 07:01

AutumnFroglets · 09/04/2024 22:19

I wouldn't have waited the 20 minutes even without toddlers. Either he's out in 5 minutes or you stop collecting him at all. Well done OP.

This is my opinion on the matter. Autumn has already vocalised it. Or written it down…

DuploTrain · 10/04/2024 07:01

I would give them one more chance, not because they deserve it, but just because you’re passing and if your DH has to pick him up later presumably that takes away time that he could be using doing useful things at home.

Now they know you’re serious, he’s either ready by the door when you arrive, or you go without him and don’t give him a lift again.

BoudiccaOfSuburbia · 10/04/2024 07:02

YANBU but I would have been texting the Mum, not the kid, or as well as the kid, with the 10 minute warning.

But your DH and his ex have absolutely no right to expect you to wait more than a minute or two. And your DH’s attitude would have me refusing to collect.

Saymyname28 · 10/04/2024 07:03

I'd offer to continue on the basis that when you send the "be there in 10" text that means he gets his shoes on and is stood on the front ready to get in the car when you pull up. I'd give him as much leeway as 2 minutes, I'd stop, beep the horn, no movement for 2 minutes and go.

It's so insanely disrespectful of all of them to expect you and your kids to just sit there waiting.

Noyesnoyes · 10/04/2024 07:05

CurlewKate · 10/04/2024 06:59

Yes, the child should take responsibility for himself. But kids don't always.

Knowing what time pick up should happen is not the same as knowing that the picker up is waiting outside in the car.

You might want to actually read the OP?

All your points are wrong!

  1. The SM knew
  2. The OP told him 10 mins away
  3. She messaged when she was there
  4. She rang after 10 mins

The DS is ride and entitled and disrespectful.

shattereddreams1 · 10/04/2024 07:05

Oklie · 09/04/2024 22:29

To be honest the more I think about it the more I just think nah I'm not doing it again now. DH can come out of his way or she can. I don't see why I should. I think I'll just say im done collecting full stop now.

I think the fact she has the audacity to moan about you rather than apologise and make her son apologise would make it the end for me too.

CurlewKate · 10/04/2024 07:09

Yes, the kid knew. She messaged the kid. He was rude and disrespectful. All of that. I would have been furious with him.

Did I miss where the OP said she let the mum know she was outside? Apologies if I did.

Noyesnoyes · 10/04/2024 07:14

CurlewKate · 10/04/2024 07:09

Yes, the kid knew. She messaged the kid. He was rude and disrespectful. All of that. I would have been furious with him.

Did I miss where the OP said she let the mum know she was outside? Apologies if I did.

No she let the DS know! Why would she let the mother know again? She knew the time the DS knew the time, she arrived and said she'd arrived!

Your previous post said she should've told the child that she wax outside, she did!

Jesus how many texts and calls does she have to make, to allow them all to let her do a favour!

Justleaveitblankthen · 10/04/2024 07:15

Oklie · 09/04/2024 22:29

To be honest the more I think about it the more I just think nah I'm not doing it again now. DH can come out of his way or she can. I don't see why I should. I think I'll just say im done collecting full stop now.

This would be me too.
What the actual fuck!
They are all treating you with total disregard.
No more chances.
I would be so over it all.

bottomsup12 · 10/04/2024 07:19

You're doing them a huge favour they should be way more respectful

Epidote · 10/04/2024 07:21

ExDH is fuming because now she will have to address his child entitlement to think his time is more valuable than others. Your Husband wants you or her to do the run not him.
You have done very well teaching them a lesson. If you are giving lifts in the future make sure you don't wait more than five minutes.

Ilovelurchers · 10/04/2024 07:22

I think all the advice you have been given so far comes from the moral standpoint that everybody needs to simply consider their own interests and well-being, and fuck everyone else. You don't want to wait so don't wait....

Well OK, you can do that. And the relationships between all the adults involved here will deteriorate still further, and the one who will suffer most of all will be the 12 year old boy, who is the one person did not pick any aspect of this situation, but nonetheless has his entire childhood governed by it.

Or you could all grow up a bit, put your differences aside and actually work creating a decent, cooperative co-parenting relationship, rather than all hating each other forever.

This is mostly the responsibility of his mom and dad, of course. But you did knowingly have a child with a man who already has a child, so some responsibility is yours too, whether you choose to shoulder it or not.

(And I say this as a woman who has a child with a man she is no longer with - i am not suggesting it's easy. I'm suggesting it's morally imperative).

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 10/04/2024 07:23

Well done! I might possibly wait a max of 5 minutes then I’d be off.
Or if the 12 yr old wants to finish a game they can get the bus.

Noyesnoyes · 10/04/2024 07:24

Ilovelurchers · 10/04/2024 07:22

I think all the advice you have been given so far comes from the moral standpoint that everybody needs to simply consider their own interests and well-being, and fuck everyone else. You don't want to wait so don't wait....

Well OK, you can do that. And the relationships between all the adults involved here will deteriorate still further, and the one who will suffer most of all will be the 12 year old boy, who is the one person did not pick any aspect of this situation, but nonetheless has his entire childhood governed by it.

Or you could all grow up a bit, put your differences aside and actually work creating a decent, cooperative co-parenting relationship, rather than all hating each other forever.

This is mostly the responsibility of his mom and dad, of course. But you did knowingly have a child with a man who already has a child, so some responsibility is yours too, whether you choose to shoulder it or not.

(And I say this as a woman who has a child with a man she is no longer with - i am not suggesting it's easy. I'm suggesting it's morally imperative).

I wouldn't wait 29 mins for my own child to finish a game with his two unhappy siblings in the car..

Because that's what makes children entitled and badly behaved!

Noyesnoyes · 10/04/2024 07:25

*20 mins

Beautiful3 · 10/04/2024 07:27

He left you waiting because he was finishing his game!!! That's so rude. I'd say, if he's standing outside by x time, I'll.pick him up. If he's not there, I'll keep driving. Or you can end it, because you already have your hands full and he is 12. Around here 12 years olds walk/catch a bus to school.

Brefugee · 10/04/2024 07:28

Oklie · 09/04/2024 22:29

To be honest the more I think about it the more I just think nah I'm not doing it again now. DH can come out of his way or she can. I don't see why I should. I think I'll just say im done collecting full stop now.

In your shoes (if you really do drive past) i would say that I'm not doing it for a month and they can sort themselves out.
And then depending on how well it worked, or how much your DH apologises and grovels (!) i would resume - but only if you literally don't have to go out of your way - and do your usual text 10 minutes before. And if he's not outside? drive on.
Have a text ready that you've done it so you can send it just as you do that so DH can go over and ex isn't inconvenienced.

But I'd only resume for first class apologies and grovelling on the understanding that 3 no-shows means you will never ever do it again.

Awrite · 10/04/2024 07:28

Fairyliz · 10/04/2024 06:31

This is an interesting thread; I agree you shouldn’t have to wait more than a couple of minutes.
However there was a thread yesterday where someone was waiting for a friend and lots of posters thought being 10/15/20 minutes late was perfectly acceptable.
I know people will say the difference is that you have young children; but is it magically okay to keep people waiting once they get to a certain age? If so what is the age?

Was this friend 'just finishing a game?'

Enko · 10/04/2024 07:29

Op. I am a stepchild my mother and stepmother no 1 did NOT like each other.

However had I left stepmother waiting like that I would have ha the riot act read by all 4 parents (stepdad too) and I would have been made to find a way to apologise to step mum (flowers chocolates out of my money)

This is what your dh and x ought to be doing right now. Huge apologies yo you and a bollocking for dss.

ShortLivedComment · 10/04/2024 07:30

You are not unreasonable.

20 mins is a long time to wait.