Page 6 | To have just driven off?

Oklie · 2024-04-09T21:13:19+00:00

On my way home from work I collect mine and DHs DC either from nursery or my parents wherever they are that day as both are on my route home. I also pass my husbands exes house who he shares a child with and so on the days (50:50) they are with us my husband will ask me to collect SC too. Our DC are young and are often ratty by 5:30/6pm when they are picked up. There are often tantrums in the car or trying to get out of car seats when we pull up anywhere etc.. I have asked time and time again for SC to be ready when we arrive, he knows the time we will be there and I always let him know on the day too both earlier and 10 mins before we arrive. His mum also knows when I'll be picking up. However he *always* without fail seems to take ages coming out and its chaotic in the car waiting with tired, hungry and grumpy little ones. I have asked dh to speak to him, I have spoken to him myself, I have asked DH to speak to ex, I have called / texted when I'm there and it's been 10 + mins of waiting in the car. Anyway today I'd just had enough. It got to 15 mins of waiting in the car and I rang him again to which he admitted he was "just finishing a game" (as in a multiplayer xbox game) and was 'coming now'. It got to gone 20 minutes I'd been waiting and so I text again, said it wasnt on and that I was going now and I just drove off and left. DH later went back himself. DH thinks I was wrong, ex is apparently "fuming" because it meant she had to set off late for work waiting for DH to get there (but couldn't make sure he was ready to go on time obviously). I am passed caring. I don't mind picking up SS but I don't want to be left outside in the car for 20+ bloody minutes dealing with stressed out toddlers. It's disrespectful, especially when it's down to finishing a fucking game. This is not the first time this has happened, its not even uncommon, its practically 90% of the time I go I am left waiting for a stupid amount of time. Was I unreasonable to have left? SS is 12.

Sparklfairy · 10/04/2024 07:44

Oklie · 09/04/2024 22:29

To be honest the more I think about it the more I just think nah I'm not doing it again now. DH can come out of his way or she can. I don't see why I should. I think I'll just say im done collecting full stop now.

I'd say the same tbh, especially as she's directing her frustration in your direction. You're the only one putting yourself out in this scenario. 20 minutes is just not on, and you'd be a walkover to carry on.

If she'd apologised I'd have given one last chance. But as she's getting pissy she and your DH can make other arrangements.

If you two don't get on, I'd suspect this was semi-deliberate behaviour anyway. 'Oh finish your game DS, Oklie can wait...' It wouldn't surprise me one bit if she was fostering disrespect in her child purely to get one up on you.

Noyesnoyes · 10/04/2024 07:46

@CurlewKate the DM also knew the time of arrival, so could've just looked out the window and made sure he was ready at the actual arrival time!

How you can possibly think the favour gives should've done more is beyond me.

PrimalLass · 10/04/2024 07:46

I wouldn't wait at all. 20 minutes is ridiculous and his mother should make sure he is ready. You did the right thing.

CurlewKate · 10/04/2024 07:47

I genuinely don't understand what's so hard about texting the mum. Obviously if that
doesn't work then things change. But she might have two fractious toddlers too. Or whatever.

Notinthemood12 · 10/04/2024 07:48

Ilovelurchers · 10/04/2024 07:22

I think all the advice you have been given so far comes from the moral standpoint that everybody needs to simply consider their own interests and well-being, and fuck everyone else. You don't want to wait so don't wait....

Well OK, you can do that. And the relationships between all the adults involved here will deteriorate still further, and the one who will suffer most of all will be the 12 year old boy, who is the one person did not pick any aspect of this situation, but nonetheless has his entire childhood governed by it.

Or you could all grow up a bit, put your differences aside and actually work creating a decent, cooperative co-parenting relationship, rather than all hating each other forever.

This is mostly the responsibility of his mom and dad, of course. But you did knowingly have a child with a man who already has a child, so some responsibility is yours too, whether you choose to shoulder it or not.

(And I say this as a woman who has a child with a man she is no longer with - i am not suggesting it's easy. I'm suggesting it's morally imperative).

If the 12 year old will suffer as relationships deteriorate then it’s up to his parents to ensure everything runs smoothly. Not allow resentment to build as the OP struggles with small children at the end of a long day with dinner, bed and bath time all still to do.

Bearbookagainandagain · 10/04/2024 07:53

They are massively unreasonable. If you continue to pick him up, give him 5 min to be in the car (considering you are giving a 10 min heads up) or you leave.

DoreenonTill8 · 10/04/2024 07:54

Awrite · 10/04/2024 07:28

Was this friend 'just finishing a game?'

Show quote history

They were apparently doing 'stuff' or just aren't good at keeping time.... and that's apparently absolutely fine, and the OP and anyoneelse who expects anyone to keep to a promised time is uptight and horrible.

Noyesnoyes · 10/04/2024 07:55

CurlewKate · 10/04/2024 07:47

I genuinely don't understand what's so hard about texting the mum. Obviously if that
doesn't work then things change. But she might have two fractious toddlers too. Or whatever.

She's not doing it again, problem solved!

I don't know what's so wrong with the DM looking out the window at the agreed time, but 🤷‍♀️!

CurlewKate · 10/04/2024 07:56

@Noyesnoyes "How you can possibly think the favour gives should've done more is beyond me."

Well, pausing to pick someone up on your way home is barely a favour. It only becomes a massive favour if it goes wrong and the OP has to wait. If a one word text would mean no wait and a calm and happy evening for everyone then I see no reason not to do it. Putting all the responsibility on a 12 year old just isn't fair.

Bearbookagainandagain · 10/04/2024 07:59

Ilovelurchers · 10/04/2024 07:22

I think all the advice you have been given so far comes from the moral standpoint that everybody needs to simply consider their own interests and well-being, and fuck everyone else. You don't want to wait so don't wait....

Well OK, you can do that. And the relationships between all the adults involved here will deteriorate still further, and the one who will suffer most of all will be the 12 year old boy, who is the one person did not pick any aspect of this situation, but nonetheless has his entire childhood governed by it.

Or you could all grow up a bit, put your differences aside and actually work creating a decent, cooperative co-parenting relationship, rather than all hating each other forever.

This is mostly the responsibility of his mom and dad, of course. But you did knowingly have a child with a man who already has a child, so some responsibility is yours too, whether you choose to shoulder it or not.

(And I say this as a woman who has a child with a man she is no longer with - i am not suggesting it's easy. I'm suggesting it's morally imperative).

It's nothing to do with stepchildren, it's about bring respectful to others. A 12 year is definitely aware they are taking the piss.
My parents have driven off in similar situations, if my son leave me hanging 20 min in the car at age 12 to finish a game, I will leave too and he can find another way to get wherever he needs to be.

Wellhellooooodear · 10/04/2024 07:59

So unreasonable of her. I'd make it very clear that from now on you will wait for no longer than 5 mins before driving off. She's a cheeky cow.

GrumpyPanda · 10/04/2024 08:02

Ilovelurchers · 10/04/2024 07:22

I think all the advice you have been given so far comes from the moral standpoint that everybody needs to simply consider their own interests and well-being, and fuck everyone else. You don't want to wait so don't wait....

Well OK, you can do that. And the relationships between all the adults involved here will deteriorate still further, and the one who will suffer most of all will be the 12 year old boy, who is the one person did not pick any aspect of this situation, but nonetheless has his entire childhood governed by it.

Or you could all grow up a bit, put your differences aside and actually work creating a decent, cooperative co-parenting relationship, rather than all hating each other forever.

This is mostly the responsibility of his mom and dad, of course. But you did knowingly have a child with a man who already has a child, so some responsibility is yours too, whether you choose to shoulder it or not.

(And I say this as a woman who has a child with a man she is no longer with - i am not suggesting it's easy. I'm suggesting it's morally imperative).

Amazing we had to wait over three pages - overnight even! - for the usual suspects to turn up for step-parenting bingo.

katebushh · 10/04/2024 08:06

I'd wait 3/4 minutes max. Cheeky buggers should be ready at the set time.

ZekeZeke · 10/04/2024 08:10

Assume at 12 he has a phone?
I would call SS as you are approaching (as you are heading that direction anyway) and if he isn't ready, drive on by.
I would probably give this new method a trial for the next few pick ups and any tardiness would push it back on your H to collect.

LakeTiticaca · 10/04/2024 08:11

I wouldn't have waited 20 minutes.
Tell his parents he needs to be ready but you will give a 5 minute leeway. Then you leave. The SC is 12 not 5 and should be able to understand simple instructions. Otherwise just tell the parents to sort it out between them

bellezarara · 10/04/2024 08:12

CurlewKate · 10/04/2024 06:59

Yes, the child should take responsibility for himself. But kids don't always.

Knowing what time pick up should happen is not the same as knowing that the picker up is waiting outside in the car.

OP is not a taxi service. The son should be ready to leave on time. And if he isn’t, the parent should be ensuring he is outside and ready at pick up time.

bellezarara · 10/04/2024 08:13

CurlewKate · 10/04/2024 07:39

@Noyesnoyes
Your previous post said she should've told the child that she wax outside, she did! "

I know she let the kid know.

I think she should have let the mum know too. One word text. "Outside". How can she cooperate if she doesn't know.

If the kid then isn't out in -absolute max-10
then drive off. But not fair to put all the responsibility on the kid.

He’s 12, not 6.

Rosestulips · 10/04/2024 08:13

YANBU at all. Well done.

do this every time, he’s either waiting and ready at x time or you are leaving.

maybe create a WhatsApp group with stepson and his mother

your husband can bog off too. Him and ex can sort out their lazy son

Brefugee · 10/04/2024 08:15

as one pp pointed out, waiting 15 minutes a week adds up.
Let's assume OP picks DSS up once a week, and subtract 8 weeks for holidays etc. And that each time she waits:

5 minutes = 230 minutes (nearly 4 hours a year)
10 minutes = 440 minutes (nearly 7.5 hours a year - that is nearly a working day. my day rate can go up to EUR 2,000 - does the ex want to pay that?)
15 minutes = 660 minutes (11 hours - that's more than a day)
20 minutes = 880 minutes (just over 14,5 hours - that's nearly EUR 4000 for my time)

And all just because the ex CBA to get her child ready for someone who is doing her a favour - not forgetting that putting OP to inconvenience "made ex late for work". What would you do?

I would make sure DSS was ready to go 5 minutes before OP is due to arrive (after she has alerted me at least twice about this)

Rosestulips · 10/04/2024 08:16

Oklie · 09/04/2024 22:29

To be honest the more I think about it the more I just think nah I'm not doing it again now. DH can come out of his way or she can. I don't see why I should. I think I'll just say im done collecting full stop now.

Yes, do this.

Enko · 10/04/2024 08:17

CurlewKate · 10/04/2024 07:56

@Noyesnoyes "How you can possibly think the favour gives should've done more is beyond me."

Well, pausing to pick someone up on your way home is barely a favour. It only becomes a massive favour if it goes wrong and the OP has to wait. If a one word text would mean no wait and a calm and happy evening for everyone then I see no reason not to do it. Putting all the responsibility on a 12 year old just isn't fair.

I would assume said 12 year old can manage to get to his lessons I'm secondary school just fine... you know to avoid detention.

Frankly I think the 12 year old is more than capable of getting themselves ready on time. In this case there was no isentive as both his parents are giving g the message its ok to ignore his stepmother. Aka he is ok to be rude

Bettyfromlondon · 10/04/2024 08:17

Good for you! It is so heartening to see someone stand up for herself. Your husband and his ex have been taking the piss along with DSS.
It is a useful time to re-evaluate what else you do for DSS in lieu of their parents. Are there any other things which have defaulted to you over time? Being a step-parent does not mean you have to be their dogsbody however much you may like/love their children!

Mcvitieschoccybiscuit · 10/04/2024 08:17

A lot of posters are saying they’d wait 5 minutes but when he’s already been given a 10 minute warning you’re on your way and consistently late I think that’s still taking the piss. Every now and again for genuine reasons fair enough but I’d not fall into the trap of saying “I’ll wait 5 minutes max” because he should be getting that text saying you’re on your way and getting himself ready to go not thinking ‘I’ve got 15 minutes I’ll just carry on gaming’. 5 minutes sat in a car with tired toddlers when you’ve been at work all day will feel longer than it sounds.

Personally I’d be angry at my DH above anyone else. If you’d have sat and waited he could’ve been another 10-15 minutes, not fair on your children. He probably knows his DS and ex are wrong but pissed off she’s had a go at him so instead of sticking up for you and saying “well 20 minutes is too long he should’ve been ready” he’s taken it out on you. I’d not stop offering to collect him but say you’ll expect him at the door ready to go from now on.

Ilovelurchers · 10/04/2024 08:18

GrumpyPanda · 10/04/2024 08:02

Amazing we had to wait over three pages - overnight even! - for the usual suspects to turn up for step-parenting bingo.

Show quote history

What does that even mean? It's not an argument against what I said, is it? Is it meant to upset me or make me feel stupid or predictable perhaps?

I accept that having to wait 20 minutes for a child who is on a game is annoying. Of course it is. And yes a 12 year old could know to get ready in time.

Maybe he doesn't like the strained atmosphere between his families where his stepmother can't even knock on the door for him because she hates his mom so much? God knows. It all sounds utterly exhausting and i'm glad it's not my life, and that I made the genuinely life changing decision many years ago that we would all benefit if I tried to get on well with my dd's dad and was impeccably polite to her step-mom (who was the other woman - but I got over it....)

I have literally no skin in this game. I don't think for one minute OP will read my comment, amongst all the others, and think "shit, yeah, she's right, perhaps we COULD all co-parent better".

But I am as entitled to my opinion as anyone else on here - just because it doesn't match everybody else's doesn't invalidate me - and I stand by my statement that they COULD all co-parent better. And that that would benefit all of their stress levels, actually. Probably the kid most of all. (Though perhaps he doesn't give a shit and can't stand OP. Who knows? I don't know him.....)

Brefugee · 10/04/2024 08:23

the stepmother doesn't leave the car because she understandably doesn't want to leave 2 small children alone.

Maybe the mum could make more of an effort to be welcoming to the woman at whose house her son spends half his time and is kind enough to collect him when it should/could be his mum dropping off and dad bringing back?

maybe it's time the DSS parents taught him the importance of time keeping AND not pissing off people who do you a favour.
Maybe his mum shouldn't let him be gaming right before he's due to be collected.

But yea: it's all on the step mum.