To have just driven off?

[Oklie]

On my way home from work I collect mine and DHs DC either from nursery or my parents wherever they are that day as both are on my route home.

I also pass my husbands exes house who he shares a child with and so on the days (50:50) they are with us my husband will ask me to collect SC too.

Our DC are young and are often ratty by 5:30/6pm when they are picked up. There are often tantrums in the car or trying to get out of car seats when we pull up anywhere etc..

I have asked time and time again for SC to be ready when we arrive, he knows the time we will be there and I always let him know on the day too both earlier and 10 mins before we arrive. His mum also knows when I'll be picking up. However he always without fail seems to take ages coming out and its chaotic in the car waiting with tired, hungry and grumpy little ones.

I have asked dh to speak to him, I have spoken to him myself, I have asked DH to speak to ex, I have called / texted when I'm there and it's been 10 + mins of waiting in the car.

Anyway today I'd just had enough. It got to 15 mins of waiting in the car and I rang him again to which he admitted he was "just finishing a game" (as in a multiplayer xbox game) and was 'coming now'.

It got to gone 20 minutes I'd been waiting and so I text again, said it wasnt on and that I was going now and I just drove off and left. DH later went back himself.

DH thinks I was wrong, ex is apparently "fuming" because it meant she had to set off late for work waiting for DH to get there (but couldn't make sure he was ready to go on time obviously). I am passed caring. I don't mind picking up SS but I don't want to be left outside in the car for 20+ bloody minutes dealing with stressed out toddlers. It's disrespectful, especially when it's down to finishing a fucking game. This is not the first time this has happened, its not even uncommon, its practically 90% of the time I go I am left waiting for a stupid amount of time.

Was I unreasonable to have left? SS is 12.

At 12 I knew not to be rude and leave someone waiting for 20 minutes. I definitely had a concept of time at that age. I'd expect that from a 6 year old. Complete lack of respect for your time, and I bet his mum is encouraging it. Good on for you for not standing for it anymore.

Your DH should be backing you!

I’m with OP given the context. Absolutely not unreasonable to have driven off. Shame on her husband for not having her back and hahaha to the exW for permitting her son to disrespect other people’s valuable time whether by design or just not being firm enough.

That said, if I was in a blended family and doing pick ups like this I personally would have the ex’s number whether she liked it or not. She’d get a polite text to say I’m on way please make sure DSS is ready and another to say I’d arrived and if DSS doest’t appear within 5 minutes I’m leaving as I have two fractious toddlers in the car. IMHO that would’ve motivated her to get her son off his X Box as she’d know she needs to get to work herself.

In an ideal world I’d be civil with the ex but I wouldn’t tolerate BS, and I certainly wouldn’t expect OP to leave the toddlers unattended/wrestle them in/out of the car to go knock if relations with the ex are hostile.

But, if I was the ex I would invite OP in and offer juice, snacks and toys for the toddlers while their brother finished his game, but obviously not letting it go on too long. If I was OP I’d accept the opportunity. I’d be like this because I’d want to be seen as the one promoting a harmonising relationship for the blended family benefit. I’d have clear boundaries against piss taking but as either a parent or SP I’d be conscious of rising resentment in the 12 year old and would give some leeway, because it can’t be easy being a young adolescent, going through puberty and having your entire life divided between two homes, and how could I expect a 12 year old to have a positive relationship with his half siblings if I as an adult could only demonstrate hostility and resentment towards the other adults 🤷‍♀️

So not even a nod towards teaching DSS that it’s rude to keep people waiting - especially when they’re doing you a favour. Being a SC doesn’t give him a free pass to be rude and entitled, or his mum to enable it.

Correct. I said “obviously not letting it go on too long” and “I’d have clear boundaries against piss taking”. My ideal take on this scenario would be less about me as the SM “doing a favour” and the 12 year old having “a free pass to be rude and entitled” and more about the two adult women being civil to each other and demonstrating a positive acceptance of each other and the half siblings, on the ex’s side by inviting them in and offering juice/snacks and SM side by accepting it. The 12 year old isn’t being enabled to be disrespectful, he’s simply being shown that the adults in the situation understand that completing his game before he leaves to spend the rest of the week at his other home is important to him, and they’ll have a catch up while he finishes and precisely that, finish the game not start a new one.

I think you are a bit naïve to expect DSS mother to be civil to the op and invite her in for a cup of tea. She clearly has a problem with her and is enabling her sons behavior. Good on op for having had enough.

Same.

Although I didn't have the best time keeping skills and my mum knew that so when someone was picking me up, my mum always made sure I was waiting by the door.

Takes two to be ‘civil’ though doesn’t it, so would be dependent on both OP and DM. And expecting OP to wrangle two tired toddlers out of the car seats at 6pm, after they’ve been at nursery and she’s been to work, so they can all have juice and play happy families, is beyond ridiculous. And of course the 12 year old is disrespectful and rude - that’s nothing to do with the adults, it’s his own decision to keep gaming when he knows he’s got other commitments to meet and he’s consistently late. His DM not correcting this behaviour is absolutely enabling him to be a rude and disrespectful child, who will grow up to be a rude and entitled adult. A better solution would be for DM to step up and take responsibility for her child and ensure that he doesn’t start a new game so close to pick up time. So many posters making excuses for what basically is the childs’ rude behaviour, enabled by a clearly bitter DM.

I didn’t say this is what I expected of OP, I said that’s what I personally would do if I was in this kind of situation. I did say I’m with OP given the context.

Absolutely it does take two to be civil. I didn’t say this is what I expected of OP, I said that’s what I personally would do if I was either party in this kind of situation.

I was merely suggesting what would be ideal when it comes to blended families; adults being civil and prioritising the wellbeing of the kids who end up having their lives divided between two homes and promoting positive relationships with half siblings.

good grief do you honestly think that this 12 year old isn’t stuck in the middle of three warring people?

i do NOT think it’s the Op’s “fault”

far from it

i could and never ever will be a SM. I would be shit at it because i would always prioritise my own children

but doesn’t mean i don’t feel bloody sorry for the kids involved in this “family” and certainly don’t think a 12 year old boy is a “shitshow” as one poster said

this boy is the product of this situation. Poor parenting.

OP when you were dating him… did he present himself as father of the year?

That’s not what the OP has said. She said she and DM don’t get on. Nothing in her posts to suggest that any of that is reflected on the children on her part. I don’t understand why so many posters are desperately trying to read more into this than is actually there.

but absolute disrespect of the DH towards the OP!!

i think i’ve been misinterpret

i don’t think the OP has done anything wrong

but that doesn’t mean i don’t feel bloody sorry for all three children involved

I wouldn’t dispute that, and I also think that DH should shoulder some of the responsibility for the childs’ behaviour if custody is 50/50. He is the parent. And it was me who called the child and his mother the shitshow in this scenario. Not the child himself, but the behaviour, aided and abetted by his spiteful sounding mother. And I stand by it. He’s 12 - they’re both old enough to know better.

of course the DH should shoulder half the blame for his son behaving disrespectfully

but… he’s 12, he’s got two homes and a mother and SM that have zero communication and a father who disrespects his SM…. so i don’t think the boy has the most promising of starts in life and i feel for him

Why sorry ? You’re reading things in that aren’t there. This is a simple scenario. OP picks up DSS on her way home from work after picking up her two toddlers from nursery. If DSS was on time for the pick up - or even a couple of minutes late, then fine. But he’s consistently prioritising and being allowed to prioritise his gaming way in excess of what’s acceptable when he knows OP is outside waiting. What else do you feel is going on that warrants sympathy for any of the children ? Or is it simply that this is a blended family so automatically warrants sympathy even though all the kids are happy and provided for ? MN is batshit sometimes.

yes he’s being rude and disrespectful
as his mother is
as his father is

he didn’t really have much chance of not being rude and disrespectful

Well no, not really. OP has said both she and DH have spoken to him about it, and the behaviour still carries on. I agree it’s not great that DH disagrees with what OP did, but at the end of the day the boy has been told his behaviour is unacceptable and he still carries on. So the blame rests with him. And his mother, who enables it for her own purposes. Can’t lay the blame for that at anyone else’s’ door.

@DotAndCarryOne2

the disrespect the DH shows towards the OP is even thinking that it reasonable for his wife to regularly collect his son at the end of the day with two toddlers having repeatedly have to wait

and then to say to the OP thst she was unreasonable .

he comes across as thoughtless and selfish

and does the ex

so to me it’s really not surprising the boy doesn’t have much of a barometer when it comes to being respectful 🤷

She had little ones in the car.

Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree… I can see where he gets his entitlement from.

When my exh arrived early every week he sat with his hand on his horn like a twat. Until ndn came out and told him to stfu. He stopped... Try it op. Blame the ex and dss...