To have just driven off?

[Oklie]

On my way home from work I collect mine and DHs DC either from nursery or my parents wherever they are that day as both are on my route home.

I also pass my husbands exes house who he shares a child with and so on the days (50:50) they are with us my husband will ask me to collect SC too.

Our DC are young and are often ratty by 5:30/6pm when they are picked up. There are often tantrums in the car or trying to get out of car seats when we pull up anywhere etc..

I have asked time and time again for SC to be ready when we arrive, he knows the time we will be there and I always let him know on the day too both earlier and 10 mins before we arrive. His mum also knows when I'll be picking up. However he always without fail seems to take ages coming out and its chaotic in the car waiting with tired, hungry and grumpy little ones.

I have asked dh to speak to him, I have spoken to him myself, I have asked DH to speak to ex, I have called / texted when I'm there and it's been 10 + mins of waiting in the car.

Anyway today I'd just had enough. It got to 15 mins of waiting in the car and I rang him again to which he admitted he was "just finishing a game" (as in a multiplayer xbox game) and was 'coming now'.

It got to gone 20 minutes I'd been waiting and so I text again, said it wasnt on and that I was going now and I just drove off and left. DH later went back himself.

DH thinks I was wrong, ex is apparently "fuming" because it meant she had to set off late for work waiting for DH to get there (but couldn't make sure he was ready to go on time obviously). I am passed caring. I don't mind picking up SS but I don't want to be left outside in the car for 20+ bloody minutes dealing with stressed out toddlers. It's disrespectful, especially when it's down to finishing a fucking game. This is not the first time this has happened, its not even uncommon, its practically 90% of the time I go I am left waiting for a stupid amount of time.

Was I unreasonable to have left? SS is 12.

Cmon you're the step mum aren't you?

Don't go into any sort of mediation work..... just banging on about one thing and not accepting that the OP has made her decision is poor show.

Again the SM knows the time

She's chosen to ignore it, 5.30 does not mean 5.50 it's a lot of difference

The 12 year old knows the time, he chose to ignore it and continue to play a game

Sending a text to someone who already has been told is ridiculous! SM has ignored the first time of being told, what makes you think a second time will change anything at all?

What would you suggest as a change of focus when OP’s DH texts DM before every pick up to advise the time, and OP texts DSS too ? How many times do they need to be told ? OP and DM don’t get on, so DM isn’t arsed about keeping OP waiting - she may even enjoy it. But she relies DM her to pick up DSS so she can get to work on time. So looking at the bigger picture here OP has made it better for everyone by demonstrating that she’s not going to put up with petty shit any more and if DSS isn’t on time he doesn’t get picked up, so DM will be late for work.

If this were any other scenario involving someone offering a lift and the recipient consistently being 20 minutes late, the advice would be to drive away and not bother again. And if DM and DH - the actual parents - don’t sort this out between them and teach their kid some manners then l don’t think it would be unreasonable for OP to do exactly that.

I wouldn’t sit outside anyone’s house for 20 mins waiting when I’d offered a lift.

I genuinely cannot understand how a twelve year old cannot tell the time, and be ready for their lift.

@mbosnz do you have children?

it’s sad
this will never improve
there will be so many more instances of this over the years

the kids will look back on their childhood as one tainted by the three adults in their lives stressed, angry and arguing with one another

I would for my own children (oh and my nephew)

sure as heck not anyone else’s

I’d like to know how, exactly, dh and the ex think you’re unreasonable.

how long is reasonable to wait? I’d say 2m max

In future I would continue to pick up but he has to come out immediately. Have a chat with the lad (or ask dh to) but really it’s on the ex.

Yep I’d wait for my own children.

Nobody else’s.

I wouldn’t repeatedly wait 20 mins for one of my own children.

i expect them to have better manners than that - especially if they’d been spoken to about it.

@LemonFawn you waiting 20 mins for your own children to finish a game to the detriment of others, is teaching them to be entitled?

Why on earth would you do that? Allow that type of behaviour?

DH does have his exes number. I don't and she doesn't have mine either

so this poor boy so well and truly stuck in the middle of this shit show

yep.

of course i would. In reality i would be cross and he would apologise and we’d move on.

if it happened regularly - then there’d be some kind of punishment if he continued being rude like this ie no screen time if he’s not ready.

but drive off and leave my own child? nope not a chance

just one of the many many many things i’m willing to do for my own children but no others

You can leave 2 young toddlers in the car in sight whilst you knock the door. If there is a drive park on it. Toddlers tired and grotty? Have a suitable snack to given them on the way home - food is a great calmer of small children - and a game to play if they are into screen time. Alternatively, make a new arrangement with ex for pick-ups. And try to love your SS, he is blood-kin to DH's DC who is presumably your DC, too - this is not clear from your question. Teach toddlers not to climb out of car seats, btw, because they could easily do this when you are driving, which is dangerous.

I would have done exactly the same and sooner, set the expectation going forward. You will pick him up if ready, if not out within 5 mins you'll be going without him. Ex should be being more helpful too, like you say it's disrespectful and she is allowing it to happen so shouldn't be getting the hump with you if she can't get her child to sort his timings out.

Patronising, much. And absolutely nothing to suggest that OP doesn’t care for her SS. MN really does hate step parents.

Why are you making up nonsense?

I wouldn't have waited either. Nothing worse than being stuck in a car with moaning, tired, grumpy toddlers.
I would just get them home and your DH can go and get SS later.
Or if his ex is so 'Fuming' she can drop him off.

Bollocks. This poor boy, along with his DM is the shitshow !! He’s rude and disrespectful and his DM enables his behaviour. How is this OP’s fault ? The very simple solution for this - he learns some manners and takes notice of the reminder to be ready at a certain time, and his DM stops the pettiness enabling his rude behaviour. If not, DH and DM sort out the pick ups between themselves.

@Grammarnut I'm not sure that OP refs you to tell her how to parent her small children. And sticking a screen in front of a child when they're tired tv is just lazy parenting, but look at how many do it.

Why will he consider it a ‘tainted’ childhood ? Get a grip and stop inventing things that aren’t in the OP’s posts. All he has to do is learn some bloody manners and be on time, and problem solved. It’s a life lesson - if someone is good enough to do you a favour, you don’t take the piss, it’s rude. And that goes for DM too - she benefits from the arrangement as it gets her to work on time. Or do you think him being a SC, and her being the ex entitles them both to be so inconsiderate towards OP ?

Yep. Apparently the fault is all down to OP. IMO DM is clearly a rude and entitled adult and is well on the way to enabling her son to grow up exactly the same.

It seems to only be one adult at fault.
But which one is it...

Adult 1...OP... messages DH and asks, as per agreement to let his EX know she's on her way to collect her Dss.
Turns up waits 20 minutes..Not an unusual occurrence from reading OP initial post.

Adult 2...DH... sends message to Ex to let her know DW is on her way and will be there in 10 minutes to collect DS.
10 minutes...please be ready.

Adult 3...The EX.. Nothing, not even a glance out of the window every now and then to check if OP has arrived.
More than happy to just leave her and her 2 young children sitting there waiting.

Could so easily have been a good solution if EX and Dss could have set an alarm for 10 minutes...
Would also have saved the EX from being late to work.

Why yes, yes I do! And from well before the age of twelve, they could tell the time, and understood the concept that time, tide, and ride do not wait on their convenience. Because they were never taught otherwise by the poor behaviour of their parents, nor enabled to indulge in such poor behaviour.

If someone is being so kind as to provide a lift, which is to the advantage of the child and the parent, the onus is on those benefitting from said lift to make damned sure they are ready to go, and either waiting, or looking out for the lift to arrive and making sure they trot out the door as soon as it gets there.

This. Nailed it. 100%. All day long. Kid is rude and disrespectful. DM is enabling it because she has issues with OP. OP is not the parent here, so not her circus, not her monkeys. If he’s not out on time he doesn’t get picked up and Ex doesn’t get to work on time. Simple.