DP and arguments over my shoes

[cocunut]

Hi MN, hoping for some advice/support here or maybe some of you could point me towards a middle ground for us both!

For context, me and DP of 2 years have quite different styles. I’m early 20s, quite conventionally attractive with a good figure(if I can say so myself!) but I like to dress in a more indie way, think loose jeans or long maxi dresses/skirts if I’m dressing up! This is quite different to what I believe is his “type” who are the instagram model types, short dresses, think Oh Polly and just generally very girly outfits. I’ve always had this particular 80s-indie/manic pixie dream girl style (I was a bit of an emo kid at school!!)

The issue here is my shoes. I’ve recently found out that he HATES my doc martens (which I wear with pretty much everything, and have been since we met), and he’s said he “wishes I wouldn’t ruin a lovely outfit with a pair of trainers or boots”. Basically, he wants me in high heels, short dresses, and just generally to look a bit girlier. I’m a bit hurt because I LOVE those boots and would wear them everywhere, I think they go with everything but he vehemently disagrees.

Before I get absolutely flamed on here, I am a feminist and yes I know I can wear what I want and am well within my rights to tell him to fuck off!! But, he takes me on lovely holidays, out for dinners, day trips - all of which he pays for - and I want to look nice for him. BUT I don’t know where the line is between this and staying true to myself.

I was a bit of an ugly duckling until my late teens so I’m quite insecure - I own several short dresses that I know he’d like but I can’t bring myself to leave the house in them!

I tried browsing for high heels today and I actually almost burst into tears because, although I found some lovely shoes, none of them are ME! Same thing for the short figure hugging dresses, I’d honestly feel so insecure and like everyone was thinking im trying too hard. Plus, I don’t think I could even walk in a pair of stilettos without breaking one or more ankles….

What do I do? Do I just suck it up and buy the heels and dresses and wear them for date nights, then wear what I like to work and out with friends?? Or can I (gently) remind him that my style is part of how I express myself and I’m not willing to change??

Worth noting I am ND and was picked on in school for this and also the way I looked which explains some insecurities.

YABU - suck it up and wear the clothes he likes for date nights
YANBU - stick to my own style and remind him it’s a part of my self expression?

Or similar boots without the jewels if you feel they’re a bit much!

So does this work when women say things too or does it just work one way?

Not really.

I think plenty of us have said to tell him to fuck off. However, it's the OPs choice, and i don't know about anyone else, but if there is the chance she won't, i'd rather she went away with practical advice, than just pick any old thing and injure herself.

I was about to say I'm a Doc Martins lover but when I (rarely) wear heels I go for irregular choice and suggest those. But after this update, nah, he can get to fuck the snidey twat.

My partner persuaded me to try DMs, I’d always seen them as rather expensive.

30 years later and I am still wearing them (well, not the same pair). It’s SO NICE to have comfortable feet, well protected from the cold and wet. And I think they look great, with dresses too, so there. The ugliest shoes are those high heeled strappy ones which make all kind of tendons bulge out in the wearer’s feet. Plus they are so dated you would look like a vampire

besides, the choices of flats on IC are just as nice as the heels, and i'm always happy to put a fellow alternative woman on to them.

I can't wear heels any more, most of my IC collection is trainers/boots these days.

I think you should continue with your own style. Surely if the Instagram look is what he prefers he should have gone for that instead, rather than trying to change you? Your style sounds fabulous!

I am a feminist and yes I know I can wear what I want and am well within my rights to tell him to fuck off!! But, he takes me on lovely holidays, out for dinners, day trips - all of which he pays for - and I want to look nice for him

🤣

Non sequitur of the day.

It absolutely is not a good thing to want the "princess treatment." <Shudder> Don't look for a partner "who can provide nice experiences." <Shudder again.> It is absolutely not your "duty" to give him what he wants in terms of your clothing. You're not a doll to be dressed. Look for someone who treats you as an equal.

This thread is disturbing on so many levels.

OP your style sounds fine, he is however hankering for a dollybird. He wants to pay for your trips and control your clothes. I know you’re young but surely you can see this is not the relationship for you?

I totally agree. This is a very concerning relationship dynamic.

First he wants her to wear clothes that she’s not comfortable in, then it’s underwear, then he wants to do stuff sexually she isn’t comfortable with. As he is paying for all these treats, it’s really her duty to do all of this right?

Usually for a date night you'd try and impress your date.... ?
For a casual dinner with a partner then I'd wear my own preffered clothes ect.

I think there's a middle ground bassically.

Do/did you ever date properly or has it always been casual meet ups?

I honestly don't see why you can't wear Docs to nice places, I've been to fancy restaurants in mine and never felt uncomfortable, it's just my style.

I also earn less than my OH, we share all of our money, he would never, ever try to tell me what to wear.

Please just wear what you feel happy, confident and comfortable in, that's all that matters!

Yes, it is a bad thing.

You're an adult, not a child.

OP, your comments are worrying. You think it’s important to be with someone who provides nice experiences and it’s your duty in return to dress how he chooses?

If this is for real, you need to get some self-esteem and independence. Find someone that like you for your brain and personality rather than what he wants you to look like. Disturbing.

I’d be more inclined to wear docs to ‘fancy’ places. I don’t wear them, but l hate formal and fancy with a vengeance.

Thought exactly the same thing

This. So grim. It sounds extreme but it almost seems to me like prostitution.

That's not a compromise is it, it's just doing what he's asking for. Do you even like them? I think they're ghastly and you'd need to really keep on top of your foot health due to callouses and rubbed sore bits.

Plus, there's probably about three days a year you can wear such a nothing shoe.

This is the compromise:

https://www.drmartens.com/uk/en_gb/polley-smooth-leather-mary-jane-shoes-black/p/14852001?gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwztOwBhD7ARIsAPDKnkCpfQkJhMwyoHmlfZCJEoxh0Vjh8VQk5WKS0o2G8Blw1EUxXn3OGlwaAnFBEALw_wcB

No way on Earth is this genuine, unless feminism is now about dressing how men want because they pay for your holidays

This.

Yup.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow Yeah, I don't see the issue personally. But then I've never been to a place where I can't sit outside if I'm wearing boots, so clearly not going to fancy enough places!

Where did you get that he wants her to do sexual stuff she doesn't want to? I missed that, but that is indeed a huge red flag.

Had he actually said he wants you to wear high heels or that he hates you wearing your doc martens all the time? 'Cos those are two different things.

No I’m saying that kind of relationship dynamic is toxic and a slippery slope.