DP and arguments over my shoes

[cocunut]

Hi MN, hoping for some advice/support here or maybe some of you could point me towards a middle ground for us both!

For context, me and DP of 2 years have quite different styles. I’m early 20s, quite conventionally attractive with a good figure(if I can say so myself!) but I like to dress in a more indie way, think loose jeans or long maxi dresses/skirts if I’m dressing up! This is quite different to what I believe is his “type” who are the instagram model types, short dresses, think Oh Polly and just generally very girly outfits. I’ve always had this particular 80s-indie/manic pixie dream girl style (I was a bit of an emo kid at school!!)

The issue here is my shoes. I’ve recently found out that he HATES my doc martens (which I wear with pretty much everything, and have been since we met), and he’s said he “wishes I wouldn’t ruin a lovely outfit with a pair of trainers or boots”. Basically, he wants me in high heels, short dresses, and just generally to look a bit girlier. I’m a bit hurt because I LOVE those boots and would wear them everywhere, I think they go with everything but he vehemently disagrees.

Before I get absolutely flamed on here, I am a feminist and yes I know I can wear what I want and am well within my rights to tell him to fuck off!! But, he takes me on lovely holidays, out for dinners, day trips - all of which he pays for - and I want to look nice for him. BUT I don’t know where the line is between this and staying true to myself.

I was a bit of an ugly duckling until my late teens so I’m quite insecure - I own several short dresses that I know he’d like but I can’t bring myself to leave the house in them!

I tried browsing for high heels today and I actually almost burst into tears because, although I found some lovely shoes, none of them are ME! Same thing for the short figure hugging dresses, I’d honestly feel so insecure and like everyone was thinking im trying too hard. Plus, I don’t think I could even walk in a pair of stilettos without breaking one or more ankles….

What do I do? Do I just suck it up and buy the heels and dresses and wear them for date nights, then wear what I like to work and out with friends?? Or can I (gently) remind him that my style is part of how I express myself and I’m not willing to change??

Worth noting I am ND and was picked on in school for this and also the way I looked which explains some insecurities.

YABU - suck it up and wear the clothes he likes for date nights
YANBU - stick to my own style and remind him it’s a part of my self expression?

I’m all for expressing oneself through one’s own sense of style but … I don’t think DMs go with everything. There are some really cool, feminine shoes that are nothing like crazy Louboutins. Comfortable but also attractive … I’m not a huge fan of stilletos but I do think DMs are too ugly for dresses …

This topic is obviously catnip to Mumsnet!

Is this a deal-breaker for him? I suspect not. Is it even any sort of a big deal? I suspect not again.

Did you discover your own unique style, or did you join a tribe and follow it's dress code? That's OK, and it gets us through teenage insecurities, but is it that big a deal now?

There's definitely a middle ground here.

My oh and I met working in a mechanics workshop. He fell in love with the girl in the oily overalls and steel toe capped boots, the broken fingernails covered in grease and the hair coming loose from the ponytail.

I am, on paper, not his type. Not blonde, size 6 or forever wearing heels and a mini skirt.

I will mostly wear funny leggings and vest tops. But when the weather nice and I feel like it I'll don a miniskirt or something I know he likes or a hybrid style (mini skirt covered in skulls for example!) Same as he doesn't love v-neck tops on him but he knows I do so once in a while when that's the tshirt that falls out cupboard he'll wear it.

The irregular choice shoe thing is the way to go - maybe a shape of clothing he likes in a pattern you like.

I actually found I quite like dresses - one item of clothing = full outfit, none of this does that top suit the bottoms etc 🤣

Ps - start with wedges if you want to wear heels that was a steep learning curve after rigger boots 🤣

Thanks so much everyone. I must say I was expecting SOME extent of classic MN man-bashing but my boyfriend is not controlling, abusive, and does not ask me to do things I don’t want to do in bed!😱 Thank you to everyone who’s been so helpful xx

For yourself only , if you think you may be lacking in self confidence why not look at nobody’s child or never fully dressed at maxi midi dresses and block heel sandals ( look at dune) or metallic converse trainers . Break yourself in gently . Definitely don’t try to go to high stilettos from doc martins that will be a failure . Just for you try some different things . You might be just a hippy at heart ❤️ . This is from a pensioner who wears doc Martin style with lots of dresses as I definitely can’t wear high heels anymore . But will wear trendy trainers and low shoes sometimes.

I’ve never had a dream job - I’d love to be a mother and live on a farm and look after the house and children. I couldn’t cope with commuting into the city for more money. My career of choice is low paid but something I love. As a ND person this is important to me as I have strong values regarding meaningful and ethical work.
So for me, it’s important to be with someone who can provide nice experiences as I wouldn’t be able to afford them on my own. My question here is really, if he’s providing the experiences would it be reasonable for my duty to be to provide what he wants Re outfits and footwear (within reason!) ?

I am 66. I've seen a lot. I started off from your position, but in the 70s when it wasn't too long after that was what people expected of middle-class women (some working class women always worked). I know the appeal. But... I've seen so many women dumped, left with children and no means of support. I was divorced at 28 with a four year old child, no education, no career. Don't do that to yourself.

My parents, like me, fondly believed that girls married and then their husbands 'kept' them for the rest of their lives. We were supposed to look nice, go out to lunch, be available in the bedroom and turn a blind eye to infidelity.

So, if you were a dd of mine I'd say:
Sort out a job with progression, be ready to financially support your children just in case you need to.
Make your education/work continuous, even if sometimes part time. One of the things that went in my favour was that even when I wasn't working, I was studying, picking up skills and qualifications as I went.
If you are going for the 'man who provides', you can make it work but always have your escape route and plan B at the ready.
Draw a firm line about what you do/wear for him. If he wants you to wear something in particular, he needs to buy it for you. But if he wants to buy you something you aren't comfortable with, refuse.

I didn't get my farm or my six children, and at 66 I don't look as I did at 17. My dream lover died of a heroin overdose at 26. If you know what you want, go for it, but protect yourself all the way.

You sound so strong, and so cool! Well done :)👏🏻

I like dressing comfortably personally and think comfort = sexy. But I do think heels look great with the right outfit. You should dress in what you feel good in. Maybe mix it up a bit to give you confidence?

This thread is so sad to read. Another generation who is happy to be trampled on without learning from the mistakes of older women.

Posters are simply pointing out you’re in an unhealthy dynamic. But you seem fine going along with whatever he wants for the money, so good luck.

You realise this is a form of negging? It starts with shoes...

If it's a confidence thing and you secretly fancy trying some girly shoes I recommend starting with a kitten heel or a wedge!

If you have no desire to wear girly shoes, then don't do it!

It's best to be with someone who thinks you're amazing the way you are, plenty of guys love a girl in DMs.

If you fancy trying a shorter dress, I recommend wearing tights the first time. Sitting down in a short dress is a bit of a shock because your legs get cold!

Not even older women just any women.

OP will learn eventually.

Have only read OP. You don't have to change your look for some misguided attempt to make him happy.

Presumably he knew how you dressed when you met. My husband knows that 99% of my clothes are black. I will never change and he wouldn't ever expect or ask me to.

Keep the DM's ditch the boyfriend.

It is so frustrating to see genuine concern dismissed as "classic MN man-bashing." 🙄 It's a shame you can't see the red flags waving in your boyfriend's attitude.

Have only read OP. You don't have to change your look for some misguided attempt to make him happy.

Presumably he knew how you dressed when you met. My husband knows that 99% of my clothes are black. I will never change and he wouldn't ever expect or ask me to.

When I met my husband, I was super glam, lovely dress, make up, heels....a few years into marriage, he was moaning I shouldn't wear any make up, looked better in jeans and a t shirt. He caused a lot of arguments when I was even remotely dressed up. to clarify, I'm very elegant, no boobs or arse (that's fine if you like it) but really there was nothing to complain about.

It was all about control. I divorced him, took me ten years, but I'll be honest, he looked like a scruffy tramp, went bald and he had the audacity to complain when I wore a tiny bit of make up.
Ditch him.

NO!!! This is outrageous. Fine for him to have a type. Fine for you to occasionally wear something you think he may like. Not fine for you to feel indebted to him because he treats you to things and/or for him to feel as though he can ask you to change so fundamentally because he treats you to those things.

If you’re having this conversation 2 years in you will still be having it in 20 years. Do you want that? Jump ship, OP. You’re too young and the relationship is too new to put up with this bollocks. A graceful exit in your fabulous DMs sounds like a good plan. Good luck!

You're feminist but are considering changing to please a man because he buys you things?

Are you fucking kidding me?

https://www.neverfullydressed.com/collections/dresses/products/orange-and-aqua-lily-dress

If you’re apparently not his type, ditch him, don’t change yourself to fit him.

What the fuck is happening? Is this what Gen Z think is feminism?!

Tell him to stop it. Just stop.
he knew how you dressed, if he wanted a barbie he should have bought one.

Why don't you point out men in styles you like, constantly, without pause, relentlessly.

Frankly? you are in for a whole lot of future trouble with this one. Starting with clothes, but what about your outlook on bringing up childen? dressing children.

Added to that, tell him to spend an evening in heels.

@softslicedwhite I can see some issues here, sure, but I can also see an OP who is clearly going to try heels anyway, among the load of other replies saying don't do it, so advice on how she can do it without it hurting so much might be a good idea. I also put up suggestions of flat shoes she might like.

But alhough everyone is calling him out here, I imagine there are a whole load of posters who have influenced their partners into not wearing a certain type of clothing, etc. and I do think that there is a need to dress appropriately sometimes- the OP has said they went to a certain restaurant and wasn't allowed on the balcony because of the boots. That doesn't mean betraying who you are or leaving your personality behind, just for trying something new.